Aysha

I have gotten a few messages telling me that people are concerned. So I am checking in.
Most of you already know what the deal is.
I threw 7 mos away like it didnt mean ****.
I was gone for 3 weeks.
I went out the day after I got out of the hospital from surgery.
Nice huh? Running like a fiend with surgical tape still on my incisions.
I am a sick sick individual.
I just got out of he mental hospital today. I was there for 8 days.
My family reported me missing after I was gone a week.
Brought some serious dramam to my home in front of most of my family, including all the little cousins.
I dont think I will ever forgive myself for that.
The cops were called and the person I owe a couple hundred dollars to was removed by the troopers.
No one will come to our house, the kids are not allowed at our house and my family is very scared that my house will become a target.
I am pretty sure it wont go that far. But then again you never know.
I know that if anything were to ever happen to anyone in my family because of my stupid disgusting behavior. I might as well just end it now and save myself the torture.
I have been so numb and blank for over a week. I dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I cant think about what I have done or what I am going to do.
I am just completely blank.
I am so deep in this depression I dont care what happens to me.
Lost another job that I was promoted at after only a month of being there. My boss even gave me an entire weeks pay for nothing because I was out for 2 weeks for surgery. I had gotten a grerat raise. The owners were wonderful.
When I go, I go big.
\So thats where I am.
I dont want to get high but I dont want to do anything about it either at this time.
I am just existing and rotting in my own self pity for the time being.

So thats where I am.
Knew it was only a matter of time.
I am going to be an addict for the rest of this horrible life.
I cant do it anymore.
I give up even trying.
Thx for those who were concerned.
Sorry to be so negative. But thats where I am.
I suck and I am a failure that will never freakin get it.
Not only because I cant, but I dont think I even want to anymore.

suki44883

I'm sorry, Trish. For what it's worth, I'm glad you made it back.

I'd hug you, but I'm afraid you'd hit me.

Oh, what the hell...

Anna

I don't know what to say, Trish.

I'm sorry for you.

Snarf

Aysha, I'm sorry for your troubles. But I have to think that if you truly "will never freakin get it" and "dont think I even want to anymore," you wouldn't be here. You're obviously struggling and in a dark place right now. You CAN get it, and your life CAN be better than it is today. You CAN defeat this addiction, rather than letting it control your life. We're all here for you.

Lenina

Trish,

You've been on my mind. I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through.

I don't know if this will help you but I had to grieve the fact that I was an alcoholic and would be an alcoholic for the rest of my life. I felt like I was tainted or something.

Anyway, I finally was able to accept this fact of my alcoholism and work very hard to make my life better. I know you're a hard worker. I had to accept personal responsibility for my recovery. I know you're a responsible person.

Somewhere along the line, I made peace with myself and being an alcoholic. Every day I have to do the best I can to do the right things to take care of myself. I had to make things right where I could.

Know that you will remain in my best thoughts. You are a good person. You have so much to give. I hope you'll continue to heal, mentally and physically. Please keep posting. So many people here really do care about you.

Love,

Lenina

porkchopped

Keep trying. You are worth the effort

Hugs,

Pork

keithj

I hit this point after 8 months of not drinking following a 28 day rehab stay. I can not fully describe that experience, but your description sums it up pretty well. I just knew that this was my wasted life and it sucked, and it was always going to suck and it was never going to change. Just knew that down to the core.

I wallowed in that for a couple of weeks, still drunk every day, and the panic got worse and worse. It was unbearable.

So I called this guy in AA who talked about a spiritual awakening as being the only hope for someone like me. I didn't like him much, but I kind of knew that he knew how to work a 12 Step program.

I know you're not real big on the 12 Step idea, Trish. I wasn't either. I didn't think it would work, I didn't believe in God, I didn't even like those people. But I just couldn't go on any more. I was exhausted and I couldn't see a way out. I had nothing to lose.

So I follow this guy's directions straight out of the Big Book. I didn't have a very good attitude, but my options hadn't changed any, so I continued. Within a few weeks, something had changed. I couldn't place my finger on it, but something was different.

Kept going with the Steps. Plodded through the 4th and 5th and wasn't happy about it. But I couldn't deny the change. I was smiling. I was happy. I had a calmness about me I hadn't known before. There was hope, and I thought I might actually make it.

Making amends brought a new freedom and new understanding. I could look the world in the eye as I cleaned up the mess I made. For the first time, I felt like I was in the right place. I felt like I fit in with the universe.

And my drink problem was gone, never to return.

That's been a long time ago, Trish, and it's been, by far, the most amazing experience of my life. It is life itself.

That's just what worked for me. But I had to be in that place of desperation and hopelessness that you describe before I could surrender to it.

I hope you can do the same.

Kjell

Ayesha-

What Keith J said. Plus, I'm sober now for 7+ months b/c I'm changing who I am through the program of AA. You see, the same "me" will drink again. Maybe this is true with you too?

Won't you join us? You are worth it. It does work - I'm living proof.

Kjell

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I'm glad to see you back.

You know the self-pity, shame, remorse, etc. always follows going out. After a while, you'll get tired of it and move past it. You always have.

I don't think you really want to be an addict for the rest of your life. I just think you haven't gotten to the point where you're ready to give it up. Your family always forgives you, eventually. Now you've put them at risk.

You CAN do it, but it's totally up to you. I'd really hate to see you reach MY age and still be struggling with this, or even worse....not make it to my age

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

I just read my post. WOW!
That is so not me.
I have always been a screw up. Poster child for relapse. But I never gave up.

I am just so freakin tired.
I went through the hard work of opening up to meetings and doing it another way besides my own. And it worked. For 7 mos it worked.
The longest I have ever had clean in 23 years.

I dont know why I decided to get high again. I guess I could only tempt myself with all those Dr appts in the city for so long.
I stopped going to meetings and stopped doing anything that had to do with recovery.
I use to just read out of the NA text every night if I didnt go to meetings. But I stopped even doing that.

I just let my recovery go. Little by little until I just didnt do anything for it anymore at all.
What else was going to happen?
No different than someone who stops taking insulin for diabetes. Eventually you will be sick again.

I hate feeling like this. So hopeless and feeling useless and beaten down.
And your right snarf. I wouldnt have even bothered if I truly felt like I didnt care.
I guess there will always be a part of me that still holds on.

I have an appt for IOP AGAIN!! Aug 10th.

I was going to go back to the sober house. But I dont think that would do any good.
I would just leave again anyway.
I am not going to worry about a job and just focus on IOP and getting back in my sober network.
I hve alot of Dr appts for various things coming up. I had a very severe abnormal pap I have to go have biopsies next week. This is the 2nd time I have had that. I was one stage below cancer last time but sugery fixed that.
I know I have screwed my lapband up by running around like a maniac for a month and not doing like I was suppose to.
I have to go have my back checked again because I cant freakin hardly move anymore.

No..I dont give up. I just feel like it alot of times.

But after coming here and spending the day with my baby cousin. I just cant give up.

If I really wanted to give up I would go right back to the city and completely go on a self destructive suicide mission. I dont feel like even getting high to be honest.

I am willing to give it another try.

If it wasnt for SR, From the first day I found this place. I would have lost all hope long ago.

I have sdaid it so many times, and I will say it till the day I die.
I owe my life to SR. Words could never express my gratitude and appreciation for all of you here.

hearnerules

Praying for you. Stay strong. You can do it!

Dee74

I'm glad you're back here Trish.

Look around - there's hundreds of people here who thought they were doomed, who thought they'd never get out - including me.

It's never easy but everyone can do it - if they want
It stops when you decide it stops, Trish

D

Fandy

you still have your hope and you still have SR and all of us here....

you can get well again and stay well.

Hevyn

Trish, along with many others I've been worrying & wondering what was up. I was so hoping it wouldn't be what I feared. I guess I'm still hoping that one of these times you'll feel so good, relieved, and happy being off the junk, that it won't enter your mind to go back to it. I guess that's a fairytale, but I do still believe in them.

Prayers going up for you to heal and face the challenge one more time. Maybe this will be the last time. I know it can still happen for you.

Toronto68

I can't answer to every part of the post, but I am glad you're not DEAD.

I was starting to wonder about you too. In the last day or two I thought of you and wondered whether you were still a couple days ahead of me or not (you quit in the same month as me). Obviously things had not been going great.

I'm looking forward to better things on the horizon for you. It does seem like some good things were tossed, like the job you described, but I'm not going to drop any judgment on you. What you're saying about yourself is already too harsh as it is.

Glad you're still out there somewhere.

Horselover

This is surprising to me Trish and what's worse is the content in the above statements. You've given up?? Why the Hell would you give up? Is your life that awful that you don't want to try any more?? I have tears when I read this post. You are so intelligent and so wise beyond your years, but when you wrote this you had a quality of despair that only the addiction can claim.

I don't care what you do Trish, but you need to kick yourself in the ass. I'm sorry. I'm usually gentle, but I care so much about what happens to you and the person that wrote this isn't the person that has helped countless people here. This is the addiction Trish and I refuse to believe it is YOU. Its the addiction. Repeat after me - Its the addiction talking.

Do you think you are the only one to fall down time after time again? No frickin way!! I'm 44 years old and FINALLY got sober! I've been drunk most of my life by the way I figure it, but to give up and let this crap follow me to the grave is B.S.

I hope you find Trish and find the fighter that I have known on SR and grown to love.

I just read your second post. Shouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions. I am glad you haven't given up and I pray with all I have that the 1st post was written by a stranger. It sounds like it was by your second post.

cissybug

hi there... i am new to this site and just wanted to say thanks for your post... see even thou things seem at the darkest time for you... you help other people... and your right this site is amazing.... i owe alot of how i feel today and my determination to get into treatment asap and fight this with all i have to this site... yes i made the choice to get in and fight for this... before i found this site...then same day i found this site and it really is amazing how people on here really care and are there for you... will tell you how they feel (honestly) with out judging and making you feel useless..... so i give a thanks to all and to you also... after reading both of your post on this thread.... i can so relate and that helps me more then you no...
i wish you all the luck in the world....... life is and can be so wouderful.... we have to want it bad enough
i also have hurt and pushed 99.9% of my family away and might never get that back...... i can only pray that i get that chance...but will never happen inless i change... so right now i no i cant even think about it... i need to fix me and then worry about all that other stuff....but i hope what they say is true when they say... after we fix ourselfs... all other things in life fall right into place..... good luck hun and please always remember you are somebody and people really do care
Jen

LovesToTravel

I'm sorry to hear this...

nogard

glad your still alive and back Trish, what will you do differently this time?

artsoul

Addiction is such a dreadful thing. I just hate what you're going through and I know how it feels to say "I might as well just accept I'm going to die this way." But that's your pain talking and saying "enough is enough." NOW's the time to do something about it. I went to treatment twice and relapsed - so many of us know what it's like to throw sobriety away. But those 7 months have to count for something, right?

Please find a way to put your arms around yourself right now. You're here, and we're here. And we won't give up on you no matter what......