Does this make any sense?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Does this make any sense?
Yesterday was a good day for me, then I went out last night and got plastered and turned my great day into crap and my mind into scrambled eggs. That's just crazy. Why do I do that? It boggles my mind that I actually have a great life, yet I turn it into dogfood at regular intervals. Maybe I'm just some drama addict, cause I seem to get bored when things are going well and they are going well now, minus my trip to lala land last night. I can't help but wonder why I destroy my own progress, it's like I take two steps forward, then force myself to take one step back, even if there's nothing to force me to take a step backwards. Talk about being nuts, I think I could be the poster child for being bonkers. I may change my screen name to kookoo clown, or something like that, cause I'm definitely kookoo.
Is being crazy a normal part of all this?
Is being crazy a normal part of all this?
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Your def not alone. Thats the same thing I ask myself.
Everything is going good and then all of a sudden I think its a good idea to go get high and then all that good is gone.
For me I think its more like a celebratory thing. Like when my life is going really good, I want to go get high to make it better. Even tho I know it is the worst thing I could do. For some reason it is burned in my mind that getting high and running around the streets is a reward of some sort. Plus I get bored too.
Like you said in yoru other post. I lived a certain way for so long, I get tired of the hum drum living life normal. I do miss the chaos and excitement that goes along with getting high.
Life is good so I want to enhance it I guess by getting high and hanging out doing whatever. I dont know if I think one time wont hurt, or I think I deserve to kick back for all the hard work.
I need to stop thinkin glike that tho. Because it is going to kill me.
Everything is going good and then all of a sudden I think its a good idea to go get high and then all that good is gone.
For me I think its more like a celebratory thing. Like when my life is going really good, I want to go get high to make it better. Even tho I know it is the worst thing I could do. For some reason it is burned in my mind that getting high and running around the streets is a reward of some sort. Plus I get bored too.
Like you said in yoru other post. I lived a certain way for so long, I get tired of the hum drum living life normal. I do miss the chaos and excitement that goes along with getting high.
Life is good so I want to enhance it I guess by getting high and hanging out doing whatever. I dont know if I think one time wont hurt, or I think I deserve to kick back for all the hard work.
I need to stop thinkin glike that tho. Because it is going to kill me.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey man. The way I looked at it was to keep it pretty simple at the basic level.
Like I knew that if I drank then I would end up f*cked up again. So I knew that I needed to make sure that I didn't take that first drink. Like I had to totally stick like glue to this commitment to myself. I had to make sure that I 'told on myself' before I picked up. Afterwards is no good as it would be the usual pattern of remorse, then feeling better, losing interest in recovery and wanting my mash-up again.
The further I have got into my recovery then the less I strive to question why I used to be like I used to be. Like people ask me all the time what made me an alcoholic. My reply often causing them a little shock as they expect me to blame some external force or some person and life event. I simply say because I'm an alcoholic. Simple. I would always have been an alkie no matter what my personal situation/environment. It is what is.
I knew I had to live in the solution and not in the problem. The solution for me had to be total abstinance from alcohol and drugs 'just for today'. This is the priority. I had to do much work on many things but this has to remain paramount.
I find that I have to keep my recovery just as prominant when I'm feeling really good as when I'm feeling not so good. Like I'm not sure whether some people start losing focus in their recovery once they get stable again. Then they end up drinking/drugging again and then hitting their recovery 'mode' real hard again in remorse or whatever. Then after a few months lose interest and drink/drug again.
I think it's important to make sure that you appreciate that an alcoholic has a daily reprieve from their alcoholism. But recovery work has to be done each day otherwise the old alkie ways slip back in.
All The best
Like I knew that if I drank then I would end up f*cked up again. So I knew that I needed to make sure that I didn't take that first drink. Like I had to totally stick like glue to this commitment to myself. I had to make sure that I 'told on myself' before I picked up. Afterwards is no good as it would be the usual pattern of remorse, then feeling better, losing interest in recovery and wanting my mash-up again.
The further I have got into my recovery then the less I strive to question why I used to be like I used to be. Like people ask me all the time what made me an alcoholic. My reply often causing them a little shock as they expect me to blame some external force or some person and life event. I simply say because I'm an alcoholic. Simple. I would always have been an alkie no matter what my personal situation/environment. It is what is.
I knew I had to live in the solution and not in the problem. The solution for me had to be total abstinance from alcohol and drugs 'just for today'. This is the priority. I had to do much work on many things but this has to remain paramount.
I find that I have to keep my recovery just as prominant when I'm feeling really good as when I'm feeling not so good. Like I'm not sure whether some people start losing focus in their recovery once they get stable again. Then they end up drinking/drugging again and then hitting their recovery 'mode' real hard again in remorse or whatever. Then after a few months lose interest and drink/drug again.
I think it's important to make sure that you appreciate that an alcoholic has a daily reprieve from their alcoholism. But recovery work has to be done each day otherwise the old alkie ways slip back in.
All The best
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
Firestorm,
I used self-sabotage in my life at various times, and in various ways. I realized that I feared succeeding because I was so used to failing. I had to take a leap of faith and believe that I did deserve a good life.
I used self-sabotage in my life at various times, and in various ways. I realized that I feared succeeding because I was so used to failing. I had to take a leap of faith and believe that I did deserve a good life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Thanks Aysha,
It just dawned on me that maybe I'm afraid of reaching my own potential? Jeez, what a basket case. Think about it, here I am, I have all the tools to recover, I've got recovery books, tapes, phone numbers galor, SR, people who care, people who want to see me at meetings, who actually like what I say, yet the ole bonehead inside me wants to screw all that up and stay stuck in the rut of mediocrity instead of shaking free from the chains and going forward into a life that has few limits. I've been given alot of gifts in my life, yet I seem to just want to toss them back under the Christmas tree and let them collect dust. HUH? I really must be a lazy, spoiled rotten brat to even think like this. Go figure.
It just dawned on me that maybe I'm afraid of reaching my own potential? Jeez, what a basket case. Think about it, here I am, I have all the tools to recover, I've got recovery books, tapes, phone numbers galor, SR, people who care, people who want to see me at meetings, who actually like what I say, yet the ole bonehead inside me wants to screw all that up and stay stuck in the rut of mediocrity instead of shaking free from the chains and going forward into a life that has few limits. I've been given alot of gifts in my life, yet I seem to just want to toss them back under the Christmas tree and let them collect dust. HUH? I really must be a lazy, spoiled rotten brat to even think like this. Go figure.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Up, Up and Away
Posts: 434
Hey firestorm,
I know exactly what you mean. I'm fighting the cravings today and they came out of nowhere.
But I have thought the drinking scenario through to the end, and I don't want to wake up hungover and disappointed in myself tomorrow.
The thing that really defies logic is that I don't even enjoy getting drunk anymore. So if I don't like the drinking or the result, where do the damn cravings come from, lol. I guess the answer is that is the definition of addiction.
Anyway, I'm not going to drink.
And I didn't mean to highjack your thread. I just wanted to say that you aren't alone.
Best wishes.
I know exactly what you mean. I'm fighting the cravings today and they came out of nowhere.
But I have thought the drinking scenario through to the end, and I don't want to wake up hungover and disappointed in myself tomorrow.
The thing that really defies logic is that I don't even enjoy getting drunk anymore. So if I don't like the drinking or the result, where do the damn cravings come from, lol. I guess the answer is that is the definition of addiction.
Anyway, I'm not going to drink.
And I didn't mean to highjack your thread. I just wanted to say that you aren't alone.
Best wishes.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by firestorm090 
Is being crazy a normal part of all this?
Bad news is - you are delusional, along with most other seemingly normal human beings. More bad news is - if you are an alcoholic, then you can not afford to hold onto all of your delusional thinking. You need to get rid of at least some of it. How? By doing some self-appraisal, due-diligence and full-disclosure.
Student: What part of man's thinking is delusional?
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: 100% of it!
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: 100% of it!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Firestorm, you gotta stop calling yourself names. We behave in illogical ways because we have a disease. Or disorder. Or whatever you want to call it.
It doesn't relieve us of all responsibility, and in due time we will have to clean up our messes. But we don't start feeling good about ourselves first. FIRST we have to stop drinking or drugging ourselves up. The only way to get off the hamster wheel is to take action to do it.
I can relate to acquiring all the acoutrements of recovery--I've always thrown a lot of literature at any problem or new interest I have. But there isn't any substitute for actually doing the work. (I'm talking to myself, here, too--I have a lot of things to work on, myself.)
Do the work and you will start to feel better about yourself. But please stop beating yourself up--that is not part of any recovery program I ever heard of.
It doesn't relieve us of all responsibility, and in due time we will have to clean up our messes. But we don't start feeling good about ourselves first. FIRST we have to stop drinking or drugging ourselves up. The only way to get off the hamster wheel is to take action to do it.
I can relate to acquiring all the acoutrements of recovery--I've always thrown a lot of literature at any problem or new interest I have. But there isn't any substitute for actually doing the work. (I'm talking to myself, here, too--I have a lot of things to work on, myself.)
Do the work and you will start to feel better about yourself. But please stop beating yourself up--that is not part of any recovery program I ever heard of.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
By the time I got sober things had progressed to really scary levels. My alcoholism seriously progressed to where for me, to drink is to die. I don't mean I'll die from the alcohol, but I may drive a car and have another wreck. I also could trigger my alcoholism and not even try to get sober again, which would lead to a miserable death.
So far, b/c of the program of AA, I have remained sober for over 7+ months and my life has improved dramatically, even though I'm still to-this-day having repercussions b/c of my drinking.
I believe I've found a solution to my alcoholism.
So far, b/c of the program of AA, I have remained sober for over 7+ months and my life has improved dramatically, even though I'm still to-this-day having repercussions b/c of my drinking.
I believe I've found a solution to my alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hey firestorm...I can only really speak from my personal experience, somethin would go well in my life or id get a great opportunity so I would self-sabotage by getting drunk because I knew I didn't deserve to be happy.
Realizing that thought process is a load o crap has given me hope in the fuure and this recovery.
Stop calling yourself names and try to find something about yourself to love. It sounds like you have people in your life who love you, you are worthy of love.
Realizing that thought process is a load o crap has given me hope in the fuure and this recovery.
Stop calling yourself names and try to find something about yourself to love. It sounds like you have people in your life who love you, you are worthy of love.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 180
Firestorm, I prefer the term "Dork" and I'm OK with being a dork, I accept that. I agree our lives seemed so much more exciting on drugs/booze, however, how much of it do we really remember? Are there more good memories or bad? We need to find something to keep us busy or a new hobby, an healthy addiction. The problem is, what is it? where is it? what is out there for me? Keep searching for things to do that interest you, maybe we can start a "Performing Dorks" group in our neighborhoods. Well maybe not that, but you could think about another one to start or join. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Down Under
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by firestorm090
Thanks Aysha,
It just dawned on me that maybe I'm afraid of reaching my own potential?
It just dawned on me that maybe I'm afraid of reaching my own potential?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by Larkspur
Hey Firestorm, there is a Marianne Williamson quote that speaks about this... first time I read it, I thought, 'Huh, what arrogance', but I have come to really realise the truth of it... the idea of being all you can be, and standing out because of it, can actually be incredibly intimidating.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Grouch and Brainstorm
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
Really appreciate the candor in this thread.
The longer I tried to figure out why I picked up alcohol or drugs the longer I delayed my complete surrender to powerlessness.
Every experience with relapsing, every baffling, astonishing instance of "How the heck did that happen?" chipped away at my belief that I could somehow find a magic combination of self-will and control of my surroundings that would keep me sober. After my last drink-- watching my daughters, while my wife was away for a couple nights-- I realized that there was absolutely nothing that would keep me from drinking. Sure, I might be able to sustain a day, or a week, or a month, but eventually, something would bring me back, and kick my sorry butt again.
In particular, I had to get clear on this issue: it had nothing to do with me being a good or bad man. My intentions were wonderful, but pathetic in the face of my sickness.
At that level of experience and understanding, I gave up. I figured my only hope was to do what the AA nut-jobs were always screaming about-- the steps.
That process has done three things: 1) relieved me of the obsession to drink (contingent on my continued pursuit of spiritual growth), 2) restored me to a sane grasp of what consuming alcohol does to me and 3) compelled me to share my experience with others.
Those three things are what I call God in my life. It has no white beard, no staff, no booming voice, and it does not moralize.
It is just that, and all that.
The longer I tried to figure out why I picked up alcohol or drugs the longer I delayed my complete surrender to powerlessness.
Every experience with relapsing, every baffling, astonishing instance of "How the heck did that happen?" chipped away at my belief that I could somehow find a magic combination of self-will and control of my surroundings that would keep me sober. After my last drink-- watching my daughters, while my wife was away for a couple nights-- I realized that there was absolutely nothing that would keep me from drinking. Sure, I might be able to sustain a day, or a week, or a month, but eventually, something would bring me back, and kick my sorry butt again.
In particular, I had to get clear on this issue: it had nothing to do with me being a good or bad man. My intentions were wonderful, but pathetic in the face of my sickness.
At that level of experience and understanding, I gave up. I figured my only hope was to do what the AA nut-jobs were always screaming about-- the steps.
That process has done three things: 1) relieved me of the obsession to drink (contingent on my continued pursuit of spiritual growth), 2) restored me to a sane grasp of what consuming alcohol does to me and 3) compelled me to share my experience with others.
Those three things are what I call God in my life. It has no white beard, no staff, no booming voice, and it does not moralize.
It is just that, and all that.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I really like that larkspur.
It makes alot of sense. And once I think about it. I do feel like that sometimes.
Like right after I got that promotion at work. I felt awkward, especially around the other employees. I had only been there a month and got promoted. The others have been there alot longer than me. So I felt like I was stepping on toes. But I didnt ask for the position. I was approached by the manager and my supervisor.
The reasons they asked me to do it are true. I do have an exceptional work ethic. And not to sound arrogant, but my work ethic far exceeded most everyone else there. I saw that more as I took on more responsibility and saw first hand how the others work.
But still. It made me feel a little uneasy to be promoted so fast. And then having to give direction and correct the others in their work too.
Thats what was the hardest. I had to inspect everyones work and go back and tell them what they needed to do over if anything.
Thats tough for me to do. I am a perfectionist too. I didnt want to come off as a hard azz. But there is a certain way things are to be done. I have to do it and I do do it. So they should have to also.
I need to get over that people pleasing crap.
And sometimes I do feel as if "Who am I...."
Like I dont deserve good things. Because my whole life has been nothing but me being a total hot mess. Alot of times selfish in my actions when it comes to my addiciton. Things come way too easy for me. And I feel guilty for that. Like I need to be punished for my behavior.
Most people dont do what I have done and come out as good as I have. I think I take that for granted sometimes.
I am very grateful I am in a good place tho. I am very lucky I have my family who had stood by me through all of my BS.
But I better get it together before that changes. They can only take so much for so long.
My gram finally told me if I am going to kill myself like this then I need to pack my **** and do it somewhere else because she doesnt want to watch it anymore.
I am pretty sure my chances are numbered from here on out.
My gram has never reported me missing before.
She must have been scared if she did all that this last time.
Yea..My families tolerance is def wearing thin.
If I lost them it would be over. I would def not care and destroy myself intentionaly.
I dont want that.,
Sry FS for hijacking.
I just really liked that quote. and it made alot of sense to me.
It makes alot of sense. And once I think about it. I do feel like that sometimes.
Like right after I got that promotion at work. I felt awkward, especially around the other employees. I had only been there a month and got promoted. The others have been there alot longer than me. So I felt like I was stepping on toes. But I didnt ask for the position. I was approached by the manager and my supervisor.
The reasons they asked me to do it are true. I do have an exceptional work ethic. And not to sound arrogant, but my work ethic far exceeded most everyone else there. I saw that more as I took on more responsibility and saw first hand how the others work.
But still. It made me feel a little uneasy to be promoted so fast. And then having to give direction and correct the others in their work too.
Thats what was the hardest. I had to inspect everyones work and go back and tell them what they needed to do over if anything.
Thats tough for me to do. I am a perfectionist too. I didnt want to come off as a hard azz. But there is a certain way things are to be done. I have to do it and I do do it. So they should have to also.
I need to get over that people pleasing crap.
And sometimes I do feel as if "Who am I...."
Like I dont deserve good things. Because my whole life has been nothing but me being a total hot mess. Alot of times selfish in my actions when it comes to my addiciton. Things come way too easy for me. And I feel guilty for that. Like I need to be punished for my behavior.
Most people dont do what I have done and come out as good as I have. I think I take that for granted sometimes.
I am very grateful I am in a good place tho. I am very lucky I have my family who had stood by me through all of my BS.
But I better get it together before that changes. They can only take so much for so long.
My gram finally told me if I am going to kill myself like this then I need to pack my **** and do it somewhere else because she doesnt want to watch it anymore.
I am pretty sure my chances are numbered from here on out.
My gram has never reported me missing before.
She must have been scared if she did all that this last time.
Yea..My families tolerance is def wearing thin.
If I lost them it would be over. I would def not care and destroy myself intentionaly.
I dont want that.,
Sry FS for hijacking.
I just really liked that quote. and it made alot of sense to me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by firestorm090
I'm afraid of reaching my own potential?
I was so excited to see your first post in a long time... after your rehab and all... I am so glad you are back!
Fear was big for me at first. Fear of who and what I would become... I have found that it's really been not at all scary... I still have fun, do nearly everything I used to do...
I can only offer my experience Dallas... I just found a way to have some faith... yea, God faith, but also .... just, faith, yah know?... faith that it would be OK, that I'd still matter to myself, my family, friends, boy scouts, music buddies... Every time I have a good experience doin' something I always used to do, but now clean and sober, it just strengthens my faith that I will still have fun doin' all things that I haven't yet done... sober. And then there are all those things I haven't yet done at all!
I am comin' up on two years in September... I still have days, when I lose it for a little while... but then I go to a meeting, talk to someone (AA or just normies...) and try to do something good for someone else, and the clouds blow over....
So are you done yet or is it fear, or both? Keep coming back, this is a better place with you in it!
Mark
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Larkspur...love the quote, I am thinking I need to read that book!
Back on topic.
Today, talking to my coach, she asked m a question, I can't even remember exactly what it was but it was along the lines of why I thought I was having such difficulty (this was about my work, but pertains here as well). After a long silence I answered "if I don't try, I won't fail." As she said, that was my breakthrough for the day, but she pointed out that I felt like I failed even when I wasn't trying so what did I really have to loose.
I hope that resonates as much for you all as it did for me:-)
I have had a blessed and priviledged life, everythin has come easy to me, a lot of what holds me back is that I haven't always felt I deserved it.
Back on topic.
Today, talking to my coach, she asked m a question, I can't even remember exactly what it was but it was along the lines of why I thought I was having such difficulty (this was about my work, but pertains here as well). After a long silence I answered "if I don't try, I won't fail." As she said, that was my breakthrough for the day, but she pointed out that I felt like I failed even when I wasn't trying so what did I really have to loose.
I hope that resonates as much for you all as it did for me:-)
I have had a blessed and priviledged life, everythin has come easy to me, a lot of what holds me back is that I haven't always felt I deserved it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
The replies here are right on the mark, and help provide direction and insight that I often miss at meetings. When I go to meetings, I often hear really good stuff, but I forget it as soon as I leave the meeting, but when I read something, it sticks with me better than when I hear the same thing. Must be some kind of trained learning response.
Thanks for all your help. Tonight is day one again, which is better than day zero, so thanks for helping me stay home tonight. Tomorrow is a new day, and I plan to wake up sober.
Thanks for all your help. Tonight is day one again, which is better than day zero, so thanks for helping me stay home tonight. Tomorrow is a new day, and I plan to wake up sober.
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