firestorm090

OK, I said it and it's true.
First off, in case you're wondering, I hate myself.
Secondly, this forum is probably not the right place for me to be right now.
I know a few things, but not enough to change my life, so here I am again, on my third drunk since treatment, which I graduated from in February of this year, and I'm still lost on my path of recovery.
So, how does a person as sick as I am truly make a change in their life that really sticks, that really gets to the core of the problem and makes a change that enables one to pick up their bed and walk free into the light of life?
I'm sick of cliches, I'm sick of meetings, I'm sick of "One day at a time". The fact is that I'm dying inside, and yes, I am a spoiled brat that has never really been capable of feeling like other people, I mean those feelings like Christmas, those feelings of true endearment to life and for others, those feelings seem foriegn to me and I don't know how to reach them. It's literally driving me nuts, so I drink to shut off my feelings, yet I remain miserable inside.
This I know, it seems impossible to me that I could be the only one that has ever been this damn screwed up inside. I'm not that damn special. That's why I'm reaching out tonight. I'm sick of being me, I'm sick of being a spoiled brat and I need to learn how to get down to brass tacks and take responsibility for my own life. I'm a drunken bum with money, I look ok outside but am sick inside, I'm an intelligent guy that continually does dumb things because my self-esteem waved bye-bye years ago. I need help, and I've asked several times before, but if you might be able to offer a little guidance, maybe this time I can listen and find a better way to live.

Thanks for reading all this anguish.

Dee74

I don't know D.

I know that I kept on drinking because I didn't know what else to do.

I was scared of what I knew recovery would require me to do - grow up, and be totally responsible, with no turning back, ever.

It took me nearly dying to make the leap and to let go of the foolish pride (that sat right alongside the lack of self esteem) that said I knew better than anyone else.

The trouble with nearly dying is I was lucky. You may not be.

You're on a one way ticket right now D.

Listen to that little voice inside you that wants all this to stop.

No matter what it costs you in fear and pride...fan that ember, and reach out and really, genuinely admit you have no idea of what to do, admit you don't want to live another day like this...and ask for help.

D

firestorm090

Hi D,
You know, the thing is I really don't want to live like this anymore, I just don't know any other way to live.Think about that, as I'm sure there are many others here and elsewhere who are the same way, we lived in hell for so long that heaven actually scares us. I don't know what a normal day is, I don't know when to buy chocolates or flowers, I don't know when to hold someone's hand or when to say no, or even the meaning of boundaries. I've read about codependency, have been to CA meetings, AA meetings, NA meetings, yet I still must feel this terminal uniqueness or don't ya think I've would have found a home by now? The real fact is I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, because drinking is just a symptom of a deeper problem and I have yet to be able to identify just what the hell screw is loose so that I might be able to fix it. I'm driving myself and everyone around me nuts during the interm, over the last few weeks I've drifted farther and farther off course, till it ultimately ended in a drunk that I'm still reeling from. Although I don't feel suicidal, I think I was drinking to kill myself, because I went totally out of control, drank till the place closed, then popped a couple vicadin for good measure. That's not a red flag, it's an ocean of red screaming for help, and that's why I came here. I talk to my sponsor and the replies I get are poster crap, I've talked with therapists and once again can't get to the real cause during the time alloted, and so I'm trying to figure this out before I kill myself by trying to run from what the hell is bothereing me.

Thsi may not make much sense, but it's real and swirling within me, so I'm trying to get the facts out with the hope that they may lead to a real solution this time, before it's too late.

littlefish

Hi firestorm: I am going to direct my comments to your involvement with AA. That said, I think there are lots of other options and programs, but since you have mentioned AA I'll confine my response to that.

For starts, you should probably change sponsors if you don't feel his answers are helping you. It's okay to fire a sponsor and in many cases, it is absolutely necessary for a person to change sponsors in order to make progress. Some people just don't mesh, thats all.

Nothing really happened in my recovery with AA until I started working the steps. And, the steps got more and more difficult and frustrating and I went through a period of actually despising my sponsor.
but, changes finally started happening.
Over a period of many months: over a year.

Maybe you are wanting your recovery to be instant?
I mean this in a nice way: it may not happen that way, it may take longer. and I can relate to that too, because I wanted it all to happen in about 2 weeks.

I can relate to your post about not knowing how to feel. My profile as an alcoholic was "get numb, don't feel". I didn't think I had a horrible childhood, but in recovery I am learning that I actually did, it was quite horrific and sadly, I've lived over 50 years of my life telling people my childhood was just fine. At the core of my mentality was the mantra: if I don't feel anything, I won't get hurt. What a perfect solution!

I'm just curious if you have done your step 4 and 8. The way my sponsor did it was to take my step 4 list and use it as a base for step 8 work. Step 4 helped me delve into my past to see what I was angry and afraid of. You are curious about what your underlying problems are. Step 4 is where I could really see the root of my fears and anger and what my underlying problems were. I remembered things I had hidden deep in my mental storage locker, and threw away the key.

Today I feel that I have a fantastic sponsor, my step work has been very intense and I have a whole spiral notebook filled with notes from this work.

Perhaps things could start changing for you if you change sponsors? Your description of your relationship with your sponsor doesn't sound productive.

Anna

Firestorm,

I was completely lost to myself too, and hated the person I had become. And, I too was screaming for help and had no idea what to do.

My advice is to stop and just 'be' with yourself, just for a few minutes. If you are quiet, you will be able to reconnect to your spirit and to be able to follow your soul's path in life. My belief is that you will only find peace in life, when you have reconnected with your spirit. You said that you have trouble feeling and expressing emotion. The real you is there, inside you. I think you may be doing what I did, and ignoring the quiet, gentle inner voice and diving headlong into mess after mess. I can feel your pain, and I hope that this makes some sense to you.

Boleo

If you are a alcoholic of my type? You just hit the nail on the head about why I relapsed over a dozen times after getting into so-called recovery.

I was repeatedly told that my failure was due to the fact that I did not want sobriety MORE than I wanted to drink. Turns out the crusty old-timers that I was listening to had not crossed the invisible line between alcohol-ism and alcohol-issues. They were using psychological tricks&tips to stay sober one-arduous-day-at-a-time.

I was barking up the wrong tree trying to manage my abstinence. Recovery is a surrender process, not a management process.

RobbyRobot

Hi Firestorm,

Sorry for your horrible situation. I've been there too, years ago. While there I was lost completely within myself and as for the outside world I simply got everything wrong somehow or other with my attempts to do right. Normal was just not for me it seemed obvious. What to do?

Well, my drinking had to stop. To stay stopped required more than what I had to offer myself so I had to change so I could put more into my life so to get more out of my investment into myself. Change what?

Change how I felt about me. That alone would be enough to get me into deeper things later on in my journey. Hand in hand with that came changes to my thinking. Again my thinking about me first, the rest of everybody and everything else would follow, but first me. Without me, there would be nothing else for me anyways, so I started with me. How to change?

Rigorous honesty with myself. Slow myself down enough to really look at my feelings and thinking. What actions can I do that make changes happen in a methodical way that improve my being honest with myself? If I'm selfish, what can I simply give to balance that with being unselfish? Angry? What can I do that allows for me being kind and having empathy for others? Fearful? What choices do I have available to accept my fears with bravery and a steadfastness of a growing faith that I don't need more than I need to have a good 24 hrs? I only need enough to know my fears are being faced and that will suffice to nourish my courage to yet greater deeds of bravery. Some simple faith in action against my own fears would win the day for me. It would be enough to get started properly on my sober spiritual journey.

From there working a program, therapy, friends and families, a job and career, social situations, what have you; begin to make some order out of the chaos of a troubled life. it all starts though with you Firestorm. And it begins from the inside out, imo.

Best wishes!

Rob

Dee74

I didn't know what exactly was wrong with me either FS, but I finally accepted that drinking wasn't gonna get me to where the answers were.

If I really wanted to live, I needed to stop drinking.
The answers came later but stopping drinking had to come first.

You cannot get well when you're routinely poisoning yourself and sending yourself insane - it just can't be done.

I've given you suggestions before on what to do to start the process. There's other great suggestions here.

Putting down the drink has to be the first step - then you have to see it through and have faith the answers will follow - they did for me...I bet they will for you too.

It's over to you FS
D

keithj

Howdy firestorm, I've missed you.
I think it's good that you've identified yourself as sicker than most. Just like me. That 'one day at a time' stuff you hear in meetings doesn't work for me. I failed numerous times with doing my best to not drink one day at a time. I succeeded only when I considered the two options on page 25 of the BB. Go on to the bitter end, or accept spiritual help by abandoning myself to the 12 steps in pursuit of a spiritual awakening.

That was only after running all of those other, not-existent options into the ground, waking up demoralized and hopeless after another drunk.

It starts with recognizing that I am completely screwed, that my life is over and it's never going to change. Can I identify with Jim and Fred and the jaywalker stories? Have I tried the things Bill W. tried; willpower, self-knowledge, and fear? Do I believe that no human power can save me?

Then I can seek a non-human power. Might that work, even if I don't really believe it? Then I make a decision and get busy on an inventory.

I have never seen that fail for someone. It's not the only way, that's for sure. But I have never seen that fail.

Find somebody that talks about a spiritual awakening by following the directions in that book, and then follow those directions precisely.

artsoul

I think Dee sums it up perfectly. I didn't want to stop drinking and had no confidence in myself to do so. BUT I really didn't want to die either. I remember praying for the willingness to quit because I certainly didn't have it. I don't know how, but I got it. I believe it was given to me.

Also, there comes a time when we have to stop thinking about ourselves, mulling over our feelings, analyzing our own thoughts. It's like the Nike slogan: JUST DO IT. The thing that helped me the most was to come here to this site and read, read, read, read until I KNEW I wasn't any different and the only thing in my future was more pain, unless I stopped drinking. I had to remind myself 24/7 at first, so I was here a LOT.

If you get sober you're going to have to face the unknown. Scary, for sure. But if you don't try, you'll never get to see what else life has to offer.

NEOMARXIST

Hey man. Sorry to hear you're in a bad place and drinking again.

I guess it boils down to making sure that you don't pick up that first drink. Without that then 12 steps, sponsors, prayer or whatever else really means nothing.

As long as you keep going back to the booze then you ain't got no chance of getting better. Look for answers later but make sure that you're doing it sober. Or else it's a waste of time.

I guess I have seen that a lot in my experience in AA with the countless newcomers who you never see again. People getting lost in what others tell them to do and overwhelming them and forgetting the basics of making sure that alcohol isn't an option.

I know that remembering this and coming to this conclusion really helped me cut through the b*llshit of it all.

All The best

firestorm090

Thanks to everyone for your replies and suggestions. I'm kinda embarrassed this morning from posting here last night, but at least it's out in the open. Now, I've got to call my sponsor, and maybe find another sponsor to add to the one I have for now and start fresh from where I am today.

I refuse to stop trying to recover. I'm going to get this recovery thing even if it kills me!!!

Today I feel that if you guys can do it, then so can I and it probably won't work if I keep trying to do it my way. (probably?) Actually I'm sure it won't work if I keep doing it my way, so I'm going to try to stop the insanity, listen to others and apply the steps and directions in my life for real this time, because trying to do it my way has led me back to the pain of a tremendous hangover again.

Thanks for your patience.

suki44883

Good for you, firestorm! Just reading that tells me that you KNOW you have to try something that you've never tried before. That, in itself, is a huge step. Keep reaching and you will eventually get there. It's a process, and continuing to fall on your butt is part of that process. The key is to just keep getting back up and keep reaching. (((HUGS)))

NEOMARXIST

Remember to keep staying away from the first drink at all costs 'just for today' as your top priority, whichever way you choose to do it.

peace

onestepforward

Hey Fire,
I could have written what you wrote. Even in my sobriety, on same days, I have similar feelings. I am so sorry you are feeling that way. The best that I've found is to tell myself that although I am feeling this way now, I won't forever. I am teary eyed now, because I know what it feels like to be in that spiral I call it: "circling the drain"

I too hate AA slogans when I'm in that place, but as cliche as it is "one day at a time" seems to help me immesurably. I am glad you are calling your sponsor. And I don't think you are a spoiled brat, I thik that you are lost and hurting. I hope you find your way. :ghug3

Aysha

HI FS. Boy did your first post sound so much like how I feel alot of times. I am, spoiled to the point it is the one thing that has made it the hardest for em to recover.
I dont know whats wrong with me either. My life is so good. My family is awesome, I always bounce back from whatever destruction I cause myself. I am not dead, locked up, no diseases, no health problems other thqan my addiciton. I have never really had any true consequences to my actions. And beliueve me, I should be dead or doing some serious prison time. My family still loves me and is there unconditionally. Even tho IMO they should have washed their hands of me long ago.

I juts cant seem to understand why I keep imploding and screwing my life up. Its like I am on a mission to destroy myself.

I have so much love to give and receive unconditional forgiveness and love from my family. I am a likable person. I always get along well with everyone I meet. I always excel in any job I have had in short periods of time. But I dont love myself or feel that way toward myself. SO WTF IS THE PROBLEM??

Your guess is as good as mine.

But I am so tired of it.

I guess I need to stop worrying about what the underlying issue is, because that is what is driving me to destruction most of the time. Maybe there isnt anything wrong. Maybe I just like chaos and misery.

I dont know. But I need to stop making myself freakin crazy trying to chase an issue that obviously is either not there or so elusive I will never find out what it is.
I need to put that energy toward just keeping ym life in check and doing any and everything possible to staying clean no matter what.

Meetrings and cliches and all those one liners get on my nerves too.

But they work. And most ofg the time its just my bad attitude that makes them annoying.

I am my own worst enemy.

I know this was long and sorry if I hijacked with my own ****. But you remind me so much of how I am feeling now.

I need to work on a solution. I dont necessarily need to know the exact root of my issue. Because eithe rway, I already know what the solution is.
And really thats all that matters...right?

Now its just a matter of doing it and staying with it. No matter how much I hate to do it sometimes. I hate feeling like this more.

I hope you feel better soon. And you can talk to me any time you want to.

tallcactus

That was me. I knew that alcohol was not working for me anymore. I was so tired of the consequences, the DUI'S, the regret, the remorse, etc, I had to get out of this madness.
Please let this be for you my friend. Just stop for ODAAT and pick up those days.

Kmber2010

FS I am glad you posted and I am sure you will see that posting this and admitting everything you are feeling is the starting point.

There is much useful advice here and yes....sobriety is there for you. You will get it but you have to work at it.

I spent too many years self destructing and continuing on the same path because I didn't know any other way. I was in this self-imposed pergatory where I hated myself for drinking but didn't know any other way and continued to drink. Vicious cycle that went on and on.

People say now...well look at you....life is good of course you were able to stop. Noooooo....I stopped and got help when I was looking up from rock bottom. All of these "good" things came only with sobriety. I had nothing to give and nothing left to lose when I got sober except an acceptance and admission that I could no longer live the life of a raging alcoholic.

I am blessed every day I am sober. I could NEVER put into words how good my life is now. I have nothing "special" in my life but I rise from my bed in the morning each day feeling alive. I can handle anger and anxiety and moments of depression by working it through. I am a person again and I am NOTHING like I was before sobriety.

If I can say anything.....keep beating the doors to sobriety down, if you fall....get back up...never give in and the only thing that really got me sober was refusing to touch 1 drink....refusing to have 1 sip.

We are here for you and there is so much experience and options for recovery. You have the strength to do it but to get started you have to dump it all out and commit to never drinking again.

Keep posting and sharing. I know you will get there my friend!!!