midnightrun

There are times when I do or say things that I know in advance will upset my friends. Instead of hiding in a corner waiting for my friend to find out, I phoned him up and gave him some disappointing news.

Basically he wanted to buy my car off me, but couldn't get hold of the money. But he kept on saying he would get it he would get it......

I leave on Sunday to move abroad and he still does not have the money yet for the car.

I called a car dealer and was made an offer that was less than what my friend offered, but it was cash straight away and hand over the keys.

My friend said to try and put him off till Sunday, cause he would definately have the money by then........

But what if he didn't.....just like all the time he had till now to sort out the money, yet wasn't able to. I decided to go with the car dealer and get this problem off my mind.

I phoned my friend and gave him the bad news without pulling any punches. He was very upset and for the first time put the phone down on me.

Immediately,waves of uncomfortable feelings started to wash over me..I didn't like what just happened and in a way I let my friend down (to some extent) I really wanted to escape the feeling..like i have done so many times before.....but i stuck with it and instead wrote this post.

Whether he forgives me is up to him. i can only take care of myself. i am proud that i didn't use over it. I will still be seeing him on the weekend and have no idea how he will act... i hope he can understand things from my end....but am preparing myself in case he doesn't.

suki44883

I think you just did what you had to do. It doesn't sound like the guy could really afford the car anyway. You gave him time, but since you leave in just a couple of days, you had to get rid of the car. The guy who bought the car probably plans on selling it anyway, so he can still get it; he'd just be buying from someone else. Congratulations on not giving in to the temptation!

midnightrun

Thanks Suki,

I wish I could describe the initial feeling......

Its stomach churning and I just want to block what just happened out my mind...but its true when they say that "this too shall pass". I just want it to go away a little quicker!!! (cause Im an addict!!)

suki44883

The more you ignore those cravings, the easier it will get. We all face issues like this all during our lives. Life is full of disappointments and difficult situations. Now you know you can get past it, so that should make you feel good about yourself. You done good!

SASA

you sound a lot like you are like me, you wait for other people to make up their mind and try to give them time, even if it would hurt you personally. What if he would not have come up with the money? Your friend if he would be a true friend should have understood why you did things this way, he should understand that you cannot wait forever for him to maybe come up with the money, you have your life to live too and cannot always wait on things. I think you did the right thing taking the offer and good choice not to drink. I feel the same, always responsible if I hurt people because I take care of my needs. I try to bend over backwards for them just in case.

jamdls

Hi Midnight, sounds like you did what you needed to do and CONGRATS for not letting it drive you to use.

prettypoison

Hey MR -- I wanted to say you've struck a chord with me in your post today.

Long story short, I've been ill. As a job I cover part-time at an office. I was up all night with a tummy ailment and unfortunately had to call off work this morning. Apparently my manager did not initially get my message and called me quite upset at my not showing up. I can tell she feels like I left them hanging. And I too hate letting people down. I'm a people-pleaser by nature. Her disappointment in me is making me uncomfortable. But, I was in self-preservation mode when I made my decision as I believe you were too.

Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. I think you made the right call by giving your friend multiple chances and getting right down to the wire out of consideration for your friend. But waiting any longer you may have put yourself into a quandry.

I feel like drinking today because I want to not think about this anymore. I don't want to hear her criticizing voice in my head. But I won't drink -- I'll hang out here until said feeling passes. I hope you do too. Thanks for your post. Yes, this too shall pass...

artsoul

You did what you thought you had to, not out of spite for your friend. You were worried about getting this done before Sunday, and had an offer to take care of it. It was too much stress not knowing if they would come through the last minute. And if this person is a true-blue friend, they will get over it in time.

A drink would only make everything worse, so keep your head about you and let the emotions be what they are. I had a real panic moment not far into sobriety (dealing with finances) and I couldn't eat or sleep for a couple days, but I got through it. Talked to my family for support, kept close to SR, and just kept reminding myself that sobriety is more important than money.

You're under a lot of stress right now. Do some deep breathing, give your friend some time to be p***** off, and know that "this too shall pass.":ghug3

midnightrun

Thanks everyone for your kind posts......amazing how people pleasers like myself end up not pleasing people in the long run.

Perhaps for the first time really, I did the right thing and if this guy is TRULY my friend, he will understand once he has had a chance to calm down.

Dee74

I agree MR - if this guy really is a friend he'll get it.

I used to hate disappointing people too - but I realise now how unrealistic it is to expect to never disappoint people...even if I could ever manage it, the cost to myself would be enormous, physically and mentally.

You did the reasonable thing - you gave your friend several chances, but you're leaving in a few days and you need to get your stuff sorted.

There's nothing to feel guilty about - and congratulations for staying clean
D

HumbleBee

Hey midnight,

The same thing happened to me. I held out for the friend who after pleading and begging, never came up with the money.

So I went back to the other person who had offered me cash in hand. He was no longer interested.

Said friend wasn't as heartbroken as I thought I'd be if I sold him out.

In the end, I lost.

You did what you had to do after giving your friend more than once chance. You're moving.

It took me a while to learn that self-care is *not* selfish.

You did the right thing. Congratulations on not caving to numb the unpleasant feeling and good luck in the new zip code!

ElegantlyWasted

"not letting it drive you to use"
Brilliant!
Don't let other's inability to get it together drag you down. You don't deserve it.

midnightrun

Thanks Humblebee,

your scenario is just what i was worried about - and im sorry you got stiffed......the more i think about this now, the less i am feeling bad about it....
the need to blank out the feelings has indeed passed and i dont regret the decision i made.

in fact - if i think about it, every time i get that stomach churning feeling its a great warning sign that i am at a crossroad...use and lose or post and boast!!!!

once again - thanks everyone and this place rocks.....

Anna

Good for you, MidnightRun!

You did everything right. You gave your friend many opportunities to come up with the cash and he didn't do it. So, you did the right thing and took action to protect yourself. That's good recovery.

Learning how to say 'No' was really difficult for me in early recovery, as you said, stomach-churning. But, I knew that I would never recover if I didn't take care of myself.

LexieCat

Nice going. I second what everyone else has said.

And I also know what it's like to want to make everyone happy with me all the time. It's a no-win proposition.

HumbleBee

first time I've heard that one...I love it!

midnightrun

The use and lose part was the easier of the two!! Got a little stumped on the post and ........ (let's see now......!!)

So just as an update, my friend is still deeply upset with me and trying to make me feel awfully guilty about everything.

He said, why sell it? Why didn't you at least call me - I could have got my brother to lay out the money......

In my mind that made him look even worse. If his brother would lay out the money, why have me twisting on a string till the final moment.

Anyway....it is what it is and what has been done is done......

artsoul

I was just thinking about something that happened to me (20 years ago) with a dear friend I'd met through AA. Apparently I did or said something that really hurt her feelings and she decided to come to me and tell me how much it had upset her. Well, at first I felt like I was going to have an out-of-body experience, I was so shocked. We had a talk f2f about it and I went through all the emotions (anger, defensiveness, then finally admitting my own hurt that she thought I'd hurt her, a few tears, etc. etc.).....

The amazing thing about this was that I'd never, ever been through this in a relationship (outside of parent/child). I'd always made sure the other person liked me, even if I was seething inside. I just couldn't risk losing any kind of approval. Maybe it stems back to a perfectionist father, I don't know. To have someone disapprove of me was the end of the world!

After the drama was gone, I was truly greatful to have had that experience. It's not easy to be vulnerable and she gave me the opportunity to do just that.

I really hope things work out for you and your friend. But I agree 100% that the whole thing about "I could have asked my brother" really shows that he was just biding his time, even when you couldn't afford to do that. I'm proud of you for staying sober through this.

Brucel

Way to go Midnite. Use that as a bookmarker for future things that come up. Artsoul, thanks for being so honest. That actually made me think of stuff I left out on my 4th step. Thanks all. God Bless

LexieCat

What I often find helpful in those situations is simply to say, "I'm sorry you're feeling that way." Arguing with the person seldom helps because, really, it's all about THEIR FEELINGS, not what YOU DID (or didn't do).

If you didn't do anything wrong (which you didn't), the other person's feelings are really his or her own problem, not yours. Easier said than done--it takes practice.