No big surprise.....
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Thx everyone.
It is just so hard to feel positive when you have failed so many times.
All my life I have been like this. Even as a kid I was out of control. Cops knocking on ym door in 2nd grade cause I was already getting into trouble.
I am the last addicted person in my family.
Today I feel so ...... Stressed.
I blocked it all out til now.
Now I am like WTF did I do.
Just for today....Thats all I need to worry about.
I am forever grateful for all of you.
Truly I am. You guys hold me up no matter what. No matter how hard I try and beat myself down. You all wont let me.
I can never express how much that means to me.
I am going to a meeting tonight. I am going to raise my hand..as hard as that is for me to do...and I am going to share where I am, what I have done and what I need to get better.
I have never spoke at a meeting before. I know most of the people there. I just need to speak up and let them know what I need.
It will be hard, last time I was at that meeting I got my 6 mos tag.
I gotta do it. I need to find a sponsor and work these steps.
As much as I dont want to. I have to.
It is just so hard to feel positive when you have failed so many times.
All my life I have been like this. Even as a kid I was out of control. Cops knocking on ym door in 2nd grade cause I was already getting into trouble.
I am the last addicted person in my family.
Today I feel so ...... Stressed.
I blocked it all out til now.
Now I am like WTF did I do.
Just for today....Thats all I need to worry about.
I am forever grateful for all of you.
Truly I am. You guys hold me up no matter what. No matter how hard I try and beat myself down. You all wont let me.
I can never express how much that means to me.
I am going to a meeting tonight. I am going to raise my hand..as hard as that is for me to do...and I am going to share where I am, what I have done and what I need to get better.
I have never spoke at a meeting before. I know most of the people there. I just need to speak up and let them know what I need.
It will be hard, last time I was at that meeting I got my 6 mos tag.
I gotta do it. I need to find a sponsor and work these steps.
As much as I dont want to. I have to.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
I gotta do it. I need to find a sponsor and work these steps.
As much as I dont want to. I have to
As much as I dont want to. I have to
When I went to my first AA meeting, I was a sweating, trembling, anxious mess. The only thing, THE ONLY THING, that got me through those doors was knowing that you and Taz and D and Kev and Astro were here, holding my cyber-hand, waiting to hear how it went. I am holding your hand, sister. Do what you need to do.
Love & prayers, Jomey
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Was there anything in the groups that made you feel like you could have that spiritual/personal transformation that Keith is talking about, or what do you think may have been blocking that? There are people who manage that transformation without 12 step... but 12 step is obviously designed specifically for those with addiction problems. Nothing to say however that you can't also incorporate something else that appeals to you, such as some spiritual line of enquiry. That may all be a part of finding the HP of your own understanding to connect with in the program.
When we get clean/sober, life is still far from perfect, it will always bring with it complications and things to come up against. Most of us need something to sustain us through - without resorting to the chemical buzz/high we used to get from whatever drug of choice we used. Simply going through the motions of recovery or other bandaid measures won't achieve that.
This is nothing aimed personally, I think it's a common pattern, but I hope that next time you will pace yourself 'just for today' as you have just said, rather than setting very high standards and then having to endure the crash. I am sorry for what has happened, but thank you for checking in and I wish you all the best.
Painful as it is, sometimes we get torn down... so that we can build back up again.
When we get clean/sober, life is still far from perfect, it will always bring with it complications and things to come up against. Most of us need something to sustain us through - without resorting to the chemical buzz/high we used to get from whatever drug of choice we used. Simply going through the motions of recovery or other bandaid measures won't achieve that.
This is nothing aimed personally, I think it's a common pattern, but I hope that next time you will pace yourself 'just for today' as you have just said, rather than setting very high standards and then having to endure the crash. I am sorry for what has happened, but thank you for checking in and I wish you all the best.
Painful as it is, sometimes we get torn down... so that we can build back up again.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I dont really have an issue with the spirituality of anything. Although the whole HP thing was tough in 12 steps. But I have always been a spiritual person. Just not in the most common ways people are use to.
The thing that helps me in the meetings is the people. The connections I make with others like me. Others who can and will call me on my BS. When I stopped coming here, reading my text and stopped staying in touch with anyone in my sober network. Thats when I found myself straying.
I use mostly to belong somewhere. I am more addicted to the people and places than I am the things.
The lifestyle and excitement are what draws me to use and be in that enviroment most of the time. I am very addicted to the drug, but I long for the belonging and fitting in more.
Sad..I know.
The thing that helps me in the meetings is the people. The connections I make with others like me. Others who can and will call me on my BS. When I stopped coming here, reading my text and stopped staying in touch with anyone in my sober network. Thats when I found myself straying.
I use mostly to belong somewhere. I am more addicted to the people and places than I am the things.
The lifestyle and excitement are what draws me to use and be in that enviroment most of the time. I am very addicted to the drug, but I long for the belonging and fitting in more.
Sad..I know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you belong and fit in with all of us...we all have a common bond and we all are certainly not perfectly repaired, but we are all trying.
i've learned a lot from SR...i try to incorporate how others deal with their addictions/problems and it gives me a fresh perspective and help for my own issues.
i've learned a lot from SR...i try to incorporate how others deal with their addictions/problems and it gives me a fresh perspective and help for my own issues.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 180
Wow I had no idea, you sounded so great and strong in your other posts. Hey you went a long time without using, that's impressive, and inspiring. You beat my @ss by a mile. I hope you don't give up, we are praying for you.
Chinese Proverb: Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.
Chinese Proverb: Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well Aysha, I am so glad to see you! I have thought about you a lot. (!!!!!)
Oh, no. It means something. It means a lot. It was a few solid rocks you put in place to start building the wall. It means a lot because it means you started the journey and put work into it. You probably learned a lot from it and the next job is to build on what you learned and to learn more.
We all have stories like that. And because we have stories like that, we don't judge you. Okay, you had a relapse. But: did you say: "Wow, that relapse was the best thing ever! I am so glad I had it!"
No you didn't.
And you know what is scary is that most people do go out there and never come back. Alcoholics and drug users.
Dust yourself off and pick up that next rock.
Yes, you are. So...that is a reason to hate yourself? If you had cancer would you hate yourself for being sick?
But you bring up a crucial point for us all. Coming to terms with being sick. My mom gave me a baby bottle until I was 6. Yeaaaaah, she was an alcoholic codie mom. I developed bulimia symptoms at 7 and stopped eating, but did manage to hoard and gorge myself on candy I buried in my backyard. By 16 I was drinking in alcoholic patterns.
Sometimes I want to cry when I realize how sick I have been, since I was about 4 years old.
I think it starts out with the statement we all probably make mentally, which is: "I don't want to be a sick person". But, it's okay to be sick, you don't have to attach all the judgementalism to it.
I used to look out at the world of normies and think they had it so good and didn't have any problems. But, that is not the case. They all have problems. I just didn't notice.
I threw 7 mos away like it didnt mean ****.
I went out the day after I got out of the hospital from surgery.
Nice huh? Running like a fiend with surgical tape still on my incisions.
Nice huh? Running like a fiend with surgical tape still on my incisions.
No you didn't.
And you know what is scary is that most people do go out there and never come back. Alcoholics and drug users.
Dust yourself off and pick up that next rock.
I am a sick sick individual.
But you bring up a crucial point for us all. Coming to terms with being sick. My mom gave me a baby bottle until I was 6. Yeaaaaah, she was an alcoholic codie mom. I developed bulimia symptoms at 7 and stopped eating, but did manage to hoard and gorge myself on candy I buried in my backyard. By 16 I was drinking in alcoholic patterns.
Sometimes I want to cry when I realize how sick I have been, since I was about 4 years old.
I think it starts out with the statement we all probably make mentally, which is: "I don't want to be a sick person". But, it's okay to be sick, you don't have to attach all the judgementalism to it.
I used to look out at the world of normies and think they had it so good and didn't have any problems. But, that is not the case. They all have problems. I just didn't notice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Hello Aysha, I read your thread, and we have all slipped and fell and relapsed here and there. There is no point in being hard on yourself, or beating yourself up for it. If addiction was easy to overcome, there wouldn't be any addicts.
So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Your in the drivers seat when it comes to your life.
You are the person responsible for your own happiness today.
Don't look back at what you have done wrong.
Look ahead to the bright new beginning you have every morning when you open your eyes. Since your a spiritual person, you have your higher power to guide you and pray to at this tough time. And you seem to be very well liked and loved on this site.
We are all here for you. We understand you, and we don't judge you. You are not alone, so try to remember that we are all in this together, and we are here to catch you when you fall.
So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
Your in the drivers seat when it comes to your life.
You are the person responsible for your own happiness today.
Don't look back at what you have done wrong.
Look ahead to the bright new beginning you have every morning when you open your eyes. Since your a spiritual person, you have your higher power to guide you and pray to at this tough time. And you seem to be very well liked and loved on this site.
We are all here for you. We understand you, and we don't judge you. You are not alone, so try to remember that we are all in this together, and we are here to catch you when you fall.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
welcome back trish
Ah!,
now the core of the problem!!!
that "Was" my problem, years of escaping that through the bottle, dope, faulty relationships, and thrills
thats the key trish,
build up the esteem!
you knwo how it can be done, now go do the frig'n work to truly do it, and be done with it.
not only for you, so you can shown another, it is real doable...
good wishes trish
rz
I am very addicted to the drug, but I long for the belonging and fitting in more.
Sad..I know.
Sad..I know.
now the core of the problem!!!
that "Was" my problem, years of escaping that through the bottle, dope, faulty relationships, and thrills
thats the key trish,
build up the esteem!
you knwo how it can be done, now go do the frig'n work to truly do it, and be done with it.
not only for you, so you can shown another, it is real doable...
good wishes trish
rz
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
I'm a recovering alcoholic, a close relative had an issue with street drugs though. I noticed with her, it seemed almost like an addiction as well to the whole sub-culture/environment of that lifestyle. It was very deeply ingrained with her. I don't think I felt that much of it, as an alcoholic who liked to drink primarily alone and get wasted away from everyone. She didn't find an answer... I wish she'd gotten involved in a program that could've turned her life around, moved out of that environment and its ties, though she probably would've started off again the same somewhere else. So I get what you're saying, not from my own experience but having seen it with someone else.
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