Very Scared, Very Lost, Very Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 4
Very Scared, Very Lost, Very Confused
Hello folks. I appreciate any & everyone of you who take the time to read this and give me something—anything—afterward. I’m new to the forum, this is my first post within the first hour of me having been a member here, and I hope the help and direction I’m needing are here.
I guess first off I should explain that I’m not an addict myself—save for cigarettes, that is and that’s something I’m working on personally right now (which is some sort of miracle considering the level of stress I’m dealing with currently), but I do have an addict in my life, and right now I’m in a very low spot, am very lost, and am very confused. It’s not a new story, and I’m sure many of you will read this and have immediate sage advice because this situation’s been seen time and time again. I hope that’s the case, and I hope even more that there’s an easy answer, even though I know that’s wishful thinking.
So here goes…this next paragraph is going to be long, because I’m going to put everything I know of that this person in my life has had to endure, so that there’s no illusions here about what I’m dealing with, nor what I’m asking for help with. I don’t know all the facets of help that are needed here, so I want the picture to be as clear as possible. Here it is:
My girlfriend is 30 years old, and an alcoholic. Add to this that she’s bipolar (mildly, mind you), and also add to that a list of very, very traumatic events throughout her life, and let’s make those events all the more hard in that she had zero support when they occurred. Now, I don’t have a full picture here—we’ve been going out for about 3 months, were friends for about 4-5 months before that, so I don’t know everything. Here is what I do know: Father wasn’t around, mother was an addict (in the end was shooting up Demerol, I believe), step-father smoked an inhuman amount of pot on a daily basis. Mom & step-dad often had strange people around/living with them—the one I’ve heard of was a transsexual-drag queen that, when my girlfriend was 12 years old, had my girlfriend help him duct tape his penis under so he could get dressed up to go…well, dragging, I suppose. She has a sister that’s a year older than her, who is horribly off-balanced, and has abused her mentally, emotionally, and physically pretty much all of her life. I don’t know if there was any sexual abuse against her or her sister as children, but that’s something I’ve run into before, and—truth be told—she seems to fit the bill: (she became sexually active pretty early on—age 14 or earlier--, has been, as far as I know, promiscuous since first becoming sexually active, prefers to be sexually dominated, etc.)… She got pregnant at the age of 14, had a baby girl at the age of 15, and the baby died of natural causes only 4 weeks later – this is something that still cripplingly haunts her to this day, and that’s absolutely understandable. She had very little support from ANYONE, and add to that her abusive sister saying things to her like “I bet you killed your baby, I bet you had an orgasm just as she died” and other wonderful things like that. Fast-forward a few years, and she’s pregnant again at the age of 17, giving birth to another baby girl to a father that she decides to marry. Only this guy proceeds to beat the stupid, ever-living crap out of her on a regular basis, and also going so far as to strip her naked a couple times, tie her up, and then drive her out in the middle of nowhere during winter and leave her outside to die. After about a year of this marriage, he’s strangling her to death, and to try to get away she stabs him in the leg with a screwdriver from a glass-repair kit, which ends up with HER being charged with battery, which leads to her losing her daughter in the divorce, her own sister testifying against her simply out of the regular, petty meanness that she’s always shown towards her. Also…in between the time she decided to divorce the beater, and the time she lost her daughter to this guy’s family, her mother overdosed and died…apparently in a suicide because she left behind a note explaining that she felt she’d failed her daughters, and that those were the primary reasons she didn’t want to live anymore. Now…it was only AFTER all of this that she started drinking. Losing her daughter to the man that beat the hell out of her on a daily basis (and also abused her sexually, I believe) was the last straw, apparently. The only family this woman has are various circles of friends that, as far as I’ve seen, are for the most part all addicts themselves to one degree or another – a small society of people enabling each other, failing together, etc., and my girlfriend is a sort of strange den-mother to a lot of these people because she's older than most of them. Currently things are even more tough in that two very close friends of hers have died in recent weeks, and she also has three MORE friends that are pretty much on their way out.
I know that no reason is reason enough to be an alcoholic, but it’s very true in her case that at least part of the reason she became one was self-medication. She had no direction, no support, and the only person she did have—her newest daughter—was essentially stolen from her. The hits never stopped coming (and still never seem to stop coming even now), and she finally succumbed to the only coping mechanism she’d ever seen: addiction. And it's bad too...she drinks to the point of passing-out drunk a few times a week; to the point of complete incoherency usually at least once a week, and is sober for a full day maybe...twice every three weeks or so.
Now look, I knew even before she and I started dating what I was getting into—I knew of her addiction, and I knew of not all, but many of the things that she’s had to endure in her life. I knew what was before me, and I knew that at some point, sooner or later, she and I would have to address her drinking…you know, the talk. So, like I said, she and I have been going out for about 3 months, and it finally came up as a point of contention for the first time just a few days ago.
There are plans of her moving in with me at the moment. See, I live not far from where her daughter (now 12 years old) lives, and since we started dating I’ve made it a point to get those two together as often as possible. To be honest I've bent over backwards doing everything I can to not only alleviate a few stresses in her life, but to also give her an increasing number of things to be happy about. Her moving in would bring her closer to her daughter, would allow for a few other important things in her life to get put in order, and would also put her around my family who all adore her...not to mention that all of her friends live in a town about 20 miles away, and I live in the middle of the country--it would be a place far from them, and could possibly be a place to get away from the juice.
Despite her addiction, the woman is brilliantly smart, but that doesn't stop her from her addiction. She is aware it's a problem for her, her life, her health; she knows it affects me & our relationship; she's fully aware that she has a demon on her back and as long as it's there she has no happy ending in her future, and that in the meantime all it will do is drain the happiness out of her life. She knows, but won't stop. She says she wants to stop, but when I talk with her about it and how--if she truly wants to quit--that she won't be able to be around people who drink for...well, at least a long period of time, she clams up. Everyone she knows--her "friends" that truly are the surrogate family she's made for herself since she has no true family--are drinkers. In her own words regarding that subject: "I'm not ready."
I do not know how to handle this. I am the son of an alcoholic family that made it through--both my father and my older sister were addicts for the first 20 years of my life, but they got past it and everything there is hunky-dorey. I've seen it beaten, and I know it can be done. The same strength I've seen in my father and sister I've seen in her, and I really do believe that she can beat this damned thing, and while a part of her wants to beat it, she obviously doesn't want it enough. I've tried futily to give her motivation to want it--getting her and her daughter together as much as possible, talking with her about what kind of future she and I could have, etc. But I guess what she said herself sums it up...she's not ready. I've thought of trying to have an intervention with her, but the bitch of it is...there's no one to bring to it. It would be me, and then...well, there's the beater-ex-husband's family that's raising her daughter, and my own family that she's still getting to know. Those would be my options on that front.
I can't fix her, and I know it's not my job to, but I love the woman and want nothing but the best for her. At this point I feel I've done everything I possibly can for her, and in this time I've let myself fall to the wayside (something I knew was unwise, but went ahead and did anyway in the hopes I'd make a difference for her). Right now I'm just what the title of my post says: scared, lost, confused. I don't know what to do. Not for her or myself. I don't think there's anything I can do for her, and I loath what options I have for my own self: endure the addiction indefinitely, or leave her. Perhaps there are more options, but I don't know what.
Yeah...I don't know what to do. I've thought of talking with her and giving an ultimatum--something to the effect of Look, I know you're not ready now-giving up your friends; your surrogate family would be monumentally hard for you, I get it. But this thing is something that we can't survive. It has to stop at some point. Maybe sometime over the next year you'll find yourself ready, and if that happens we'll go from there. If not...well, then I will have to go from there.
As I understand it ultimatums don't do a damned thing most of the time--I really don't know, but that's what I've read here or there. But I don't know what I can do. It's obvious I love her, and don't want to leave her, so leaving her is the option I've done my best to avoid. It's just that the more time goes by I find my options bottlenecking with leaving her looming on the horizon as the only option. I don't want that, I really really don't. Aside from this one gargantuan problem, she and I are as good as any couple could hope for.
What can I do? Is it possible to fight this thing and still win; come out clean? I've seen it happen, but I've never done it myself.
I know this has been very long-winded folks, but I had to get this all out. I've been living in a very stressful place (as I'm sure you all understand), and I thank you so much for reading it, and for anything you have for me in response. Thank you all.
I guess first off I should explain that I’m not an addict myself—save for cigarettes, that is and that’s something I’m working on personally right now (which is some sort of miracle considering the level of stress I’m dealing with currently), but I do have an addict in my life, and right now I’m in a very low spot, am very lost, and am very confused. It’s not a new story, and I’m sure many of you will read this and have immediate sage advice because this situation’s been seen time and time again. I hope that’s the case, and I hope even more that there’s an easy answer, even though I know that’s wishful thinking.
So here goes…this next paragraph is going to be long, because I’m going to put everything I know of that this person in my life has had to endure, so that there’s no illusions here about what I’m dealing with, nor what I’m asking for help with. I don’t know all the facets of help that are needed here, so I want the picture to be as clear as possible. Here it is:
My girlfriend is 30 years old, and an alcoholic. Add to this that she’s bipolar (mildly, mind you), and also add to that a list of very, very traumatic events throughout her life, and let’s make those events all the more hard in that she had zero support when they occurred. Now, I don’t have a full picture here—we’ve been going out for about 3 months, were friends for about 4-5 months before that, so I don’t know everything. Here is what I do know: Father wasn’t around, mother was an addict (in the end was shooting up Demerol, I believe), step-father smoked an inhuman amount of pot on a daily basis. Mom & step-dad often had strange people around/living with them—the one I’ve heard of was a transsexual-drag queen that, when my girlfriend was 12 years old, had my girlfriend help him duct tape his penis under so he could get dressed up to go…well, dragging, I suppose. She has a sister that’s a year older than her, who is horribly off-balanced, and has abused her mentally, emotionally, and physically pretty much all of her life. I don’t know if there was any sexual abuse against her or her sister as children, but that’s something I’ve run into before, and—truth be told—she seems to fit the bill: (she became sexually active pretty early on—age 14 or earlier--, has been, as far as I know, promiscuous since first becoming sexually active, prefers to be sexually dominated, etc.)… She got pregnant at the age of 14, had a baby girl at the age of 15, and the baby died of natural causes only 4 weeks later – this is something that still cripplingly haunts her to this day, and that’s absolutely understandable. She had very little support from ANYONE, and add to that her abusive sister saying things to her like “I bet you killed your baby, I bet you had an orgasm just as she died” and other wonderful things like that. Fast-forward a few years, and she’s pregnant again at the age of 17, giving birth to another baby girl to a father that she decides to marry. Only this guy proceeds to beat the stupid, ever-living crap out of her on a regular basis, and also going so far as to strip her naked a couple times, tie her up, and then drive her out in the middle of nowhere during winter and leave her outside to die. After about a year of this marriage, he’s strangling her to death, and to try to get away she stabs him in the leg with a screwdriver from a glass-repair kit, which ends up with HER being charged with battery, which leads to her losing her daughter in the divorce, her own sister testifying against her simply out of the regular, petty meanness that she’s always shown towards her. Also…in between the time she decided to divorce the beater, and the time she lost her daughter to this guy’s family, her mother overdosed and died…apparently in a suicide because she left behind a note explaining that she felt she’d failed her daughters, and that those were the primary reasons she didn’t want to live anymore. Now…it was only AFTER all of this that she started drinking. Losing her daughter to the man that beat the hell out of her on a daily basis (and also abused her sexually, I believe) was the last straw, apparently. The only family this woman has are various circles of friends that, as far as I’ve seen, are for the most part all addicts themselves to one degree or another – a small society of people enabling each other, failing together, etc., and my girlfriend is a sort of strange den-mother to a lot of these people because she's older than most of them. Currently things are even more tough in that two very close friends of hers have died in recent weeks, and she also has three MORE friends that are pretty much on their way out.
I know that no reason is reason enough to be an alcoholic, but it’s very true in her case that at least part of the reason she became one was self-medication. She had no direction, no support, and the only person she did have—her newest daughter—was essentially stolen from her. The hits never stopped coming (and still never seem to stop coming even now), and she finally succumbed to the only coping mechanism she’d ever seen: addiction. And it's bad too...she drinks to the point of passing-out drunk a few times a week; to the point of complete incoherency usually at least once a week, and is sober for a full day maybe...twice every three weeks or so.
Now look, I knew even before she and I started dating what I was getting into—I knew of her addiction, and I knew of not all, but many of the things that she’s had to endure in her life. I knew what was before me, and I knew that at some point, sooner or later, she and I would have to address her drinking…you know, the talk. So, like I said, she and I have been going out for about 3 months, and it finally came up as a point of contention for the first time just a few days ago.
There are plans of her moving in with me at the moment. See, I live not far from where her daughter (now 12 years old) lives, and since we started dating I’ve made it a point to get those two together as often as possible. To be honest I've bent over backwards doing everything I can to not only alleviate a few stresses in her life, but to also give her an increasing number of things to be happy about. Her moving in would bring her closer to her daughter, would allow for a few other important things in her life to get put in order, and would also put her around my family who all adore her...not to mention that all of her friends live in a town about 20 miles away, and I live in the middle of the country--it would be a place far from them, and could possibly be a place to get away from the juice.
Despite her addiction, the woman is brilliantly smart, but that doesn't stop her from her addiction. She is aware it's a problem for her, her life, her health; she knows it affects me & our relationship; she's fully aware that she has a demon on her back and as long as it's there she has no happy ending in her future, and that in the meantime all it will do is drain the happiness out of her life. She knows, but won't stop. She says she wants to stop, but when I talk with her about it and how--if she truly wants to quit--that she won't be able to be around people who drink for...well, at least a long period of time, she clams up. Everyone she knows--her "friends" that truly are the surrogate family she's made for herself since she has no true family--are drinkers. In her own words regarding that subject: "I'm not ready."
I do not know how to handle this. I am the son of an alcoholic family that made it through--both my father and my older sister were addicts for the first 20 years of my life, but they got past it and everything there is hunky-dorey. I've seen it beaten, and I know it can be done. The same strength I've seen in my father and sister I've seen in her, and I really do believe that she can beat this damned thing, and while a part of her wants to beat it, she obviously doesn't want it enough. I've tried futily to give her motivation to want it--getting her and her daughter together as much as possible, talking with her about what kind of future she and I could have, etc. But I guess what she said herself sums it up...she's not ready. I've thought of trying to have an intervention with her, but the bitch of it is...there's no one to bring to it. It would be me, and then...well, there's the beater-ex-husband's family that's raising her daughter, and my own family that she's still getting to know. Those would be my options on that front.
I can't fix her, and I know it's not my job to, but I love the woman and want nothing but the best for her. At this point I feel I've done everything I possibly can for her, and in this time I've let myself fall to the wayside (something I knew was unwise, but went ahead and did anyway in the hopes I'd make a difference for her). Right now I'm just what the title of my post says: scared, lost, confused. I don't know what to do. Not for her or myself. I don't think there's anything I can do for her, and I loath what options I have for my own self: endure the addiction indefinitely, or leave her. Perhaps there are more options, but I don't know what.
Yeah...I don't know what to do. I've thought of talking with her and giving an ultimatum--something to the effect of Look, I know you're not ready now-giving up your friends; your surrogate family would be monumentally hard for you, I get it. But this thing is something that we can't survive. It has to stop at some point. Maybe sometime over the next year you'll find yourself ready, and if that happens we'll go from there. If not...well, then I will have to go from there.
As I understand it ultimatums don't do a damned thing most of the time--I really don't know, but that's what I've read here or there. But I don't know what I can do. It's obvious I love her, and don't want to leave her, so leaving her is the option I've done my best to avoid. It's just that the more time goes by I find my options bottlenecking with leaving her looming on the horizon as the only option. I don't want that, I really really don't. Aside from this one gargantuan problem, she and I are as good as any couple could hope for.
What can I do? Is it possible to fight this thing and still win; come out clean? I've seen it happen, but I've never done it myself.
I know this has been very long-winded folks, but I had to get this all out. I've been living in a very stressful place (as I'm sure you all understand), and I thank you so much for reading it, and for anything you have for me in response. Thank you all.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Hi and Welcome,
I don't think ultimatums work either. You could possibly try an internvention, using an intervention professional. Other than that, she really needs to make the decision to help herself. You can't do that for her. I hope you will check out AlAnon and find some support for yourself.
Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation.
I don't think ultimatums work either. You could possibly try an internvention, using an intervention professional. Other than that, she really needs to make the decision to help herself. You can't do that for her. I hope you will check out AlAnon and find some support for yourself.
Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi MaskofMany
I have no personal experience to offer but I know you'll find a lot of help support and encouragement here
I'm an alcoholic. A lot of us drank to self medicate - I certainly did - and it fixed nothing...but we need to come to that realisation ourselves.
I am glad you realise it's not your job to fix her - thats her job and I hope she has her 'eureka' moment soon.
You should also look at our Family and Friends forums
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
I have no personal experience to offer but I know you'll find a lot of help support and encouragement here
I'm an alcoholic. A lot of us drank to self medicate - I certainly did - and it fixed nothing...but we need to come to that realisation ourselves.
I am glad you realise it's not your job to fix her - thats her job and I hope she has her 'eureka' moment soon.
You should also look at our Family and Friends forums
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
There's a lot there. . .you are correct that you cannot fix her. And in my opinion, moving in together is not really a great idea.
She is intelligent (many of us are at the very high end of the intelligent scale!) and she knows she has a problem. However, she says she isn't ready. In other words, she hasn't hit bottom (her bottom). Enabling her, i.e. having her move in with you, will only prolong her reaching the point where she has had enough, if she ever reaches that point.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is what I think. I would end the relationship, remain friends, and work on getting her to accept that she needs to get help and quit. Otherwise, you are in for a very rough ride, my friend.
I wish you luck with this very difficult situation.
She is intelligent (many of us are at the very high end of the intelligent scale!) and she knows she has a problem. However, she says she isn't ready. In other words, she hasn't hit bottom (her bottom). Enabling her, i.e. having her move in with you, will only prolong her reaching the point where she has had enough, if she ever reaches that point.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is what I think. I would end the relationship, remain friends, and work on getting her to accept that she needs to get help and quit. Otherwise, you are in for a very rough ride, my friend.
I wish you luck with this very difficult situation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Wow, you have my deepest sympathy. I don't know how to help other than suggesting you try the friends and family section. I do know as someone in recovery that I had to get to the stopping point on my own. I always thought I wanted someone to come in and rescue me, but it was only when I realized it was up to me that I was able to make the change.
Best of luck to you and your girlfiend and her daughter.
Best of luck to you and your girlfiend and her daughter.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Mask,
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon, and the Friends and Family forum here. I was involved with two alcoholics before my own drinking spiraled out of control.
It seems to me she's made it pretty clear to you that she isn't ready to stop. Maybe in the future, when she's been beat up by alcohol a little more, she will be. However much you love her, unless an addict WANTS to stop, he or she will choose the alcohol or drug over the relationship. Guaranteed. She may love you, too, but she will STAY with the booze, and let you go. Or if you interfere with her addiction, she will drive you away.
I'm glad for your family members who have recovered--recovery DOES WORK, but not for those who don't want it with all their hearts.
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon, and the Friends and Family forum here. I was involved with two alcoholics before my own drinking spiraled out of control.
It seems to me she's made it pretty clear to you that she isn't ready to stop. Maybe in the future, when she's been beat up by alcohol a little more, she will be. However much you love her, unless an addict WANTS to stop, he or she will choose the alcohol or drug over the relationship. Guaranteed. She may love you, too, but she will STAY with the booze, and let you go. Or if you interfere with her addiction, she will drive you away.
I'm glad for your family members who have recovered--recovery DOES WORK, but not for those who don't want it with all their hearts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 4
Thank you for the words, folks. I've looked into AlAnon, actually - the only thing that's kept me from it is that I have an evening job, and I haven't found a group that meets in the morning/very early afternoon. I'm still keeping an eye out though, and looking for support in other avenues (obviously since I'm here).
As far as her reaching her bottom - I agree she hasn't gotten there yet (which is still hard for me to believe considering all the things this woman's had to go through), and to be perfectly honest... I have this fear that should she and I not work out, that I would most certainly be counted as one of the big tragedies of her life: she knows what she has in me - she's explained it herself in detail - and she knows that the future she and I could have is the very future she wants, but more importantly - needs. I know that if she won't (or just can't) choose to take action and stop that she and I are flat-out not going to make it... Again I know it's not my responsibility to fix her - I KNOW - and aI also know that if she and I don't make it that anything she chooses to do with her life or to herself afterward isn't my fault or responsibility. But it's true that I'm a fixer - a true caregiver personality, and any damage that comes her way afterward, even though I KNOW it wouldn't be my responsibility in any way, it would be very hard for me not to blame myself.
I don't want me or the future she and I could have to be this great, tragic event in her life - the happy ending she could have had if she'd just quit when she had the chance. But like many of you've said, and like I knew from the start...she won't stop until she's ready to stop, and she won't be ready unless she's hits her bottom.
Dammit...I walked into this head-first too - that's the frustratingly absurd part about it to me. I knew she had a problem very early on, and chose to stay, and it really feels like some unconscious part of me set me on this path to be part of her healing process - to lay my head on the proverbial chopping block because it would-in the end-help her.
Truth is we haven't talked much about her problem - it's come up, don't get me wrong - but it's something we tip-toe & skirt around. I don't know how to talk with her about it without her clamming up and shutting down. She's very avoidant of talking about it unless she brings it up herself, on her time & when she's ready - which isn't often. AND when she does bring it up, the talk ends the same way - on her time & when she's ready, which is ALWAYS long before I'm able to say much at all.
How should I go about talking with her about it and the talk actually being a real talk? With no avoidance, no clamming up, with real productivity?
As far as her reaching her bottom - I agree she hasn't gotten there yet (which is still hard for me to believe considering all the things this woman's had to go through), and to be perfectly honest... I have this fear that should she and I not work out, that I would most certainly be counted as one of the big tragedies of her life: she knows what she has in me - she's explained it herself in detail - and she knows that the future she and I could have is the very future she wants, but more importantly - needs. I know that if she won't (or just can't) choose to take action and stop that she and I are flat-out not going to make it... Again I know it's not my responsibility to fix her - I KNOW - and aI also know that if she and I don't make it that anything she chooses to do with her life or to herself afterward isn't my fault or responsibility. But it's true that I'm a fixer - a true caregiver personality, and any damage that comes her way afterward, even though I KNOW it wouldn't be my responsibility in any way, it would be very hard for me not to blame myself.
I don't want me or the future she and I could have to be this great, tragic event in her life - the happy ending she could have had if she'd just quit when she had the chance. But like many of you've said, and like I knew from the start...she won't stop until she's ready to stop, and she won't be ready unless she's hits her bottom.
Dammit...I walked into this head-first too - that's the frustratingly absurd part about it to me. I knew she had a problem very early on, and chose to stay, and it really feels like some unconscious part of me set me on this path to be part of her healing process - to lay my head on the proverbial chopping block because it would-in the end-help her.
Truth is we haven't talked much about her problem - it's come up, don't get me wrong - but it's something we tip-toe & skirt around. I don't know how to talk with her about it without her clamming up and shutting down. She's very avoidant of talking about it unless she brings it up herself, on her time & when she's ready - which isn't often. AND when she does bring it up, the talk ends the same way - on her time & when she's ready, which is ALWAYS long before I'm able to say much at all.
How should I go about talking with her about it and the talk actually being a real talk? With no avoidance, no clamming up, with real productivity?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
The suggestion of an intervention with a trained professional isn't a bad one. I swear I would have wanted to kill anyone in my life should they have done that to me, but it may have forced me had I not gotten to it myself.
Other than that, you can try to just sit her down and have an honest talk. Write her a letter, even. It is hard -- speaking as an alcoholic, I know how difficult it is to talk to us while we are in the throws of the disease and using. We are irritable, angry, defensive, and we can shut down, among other things. I know I would avoid any conversation that I thought might lead that direction.
I feel for you. I really do.
Other than that, you can try to just sit her down and have an honest talk. Write her a letter, even. It is hard -- speaking as an alcoholic, I know how difficult it is to talk to us while we are in the throws of the disease and using. We are irritable, angry, defensive, and we can shut down, among other things. I know I would avoid any conversation that I thought might lead that direction.
I feel for you. I really do.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
dear Mask - Has she ever tried any kind of counseling or a psychiatrist? If she could be honest about what's happened to her and how she's coping (by drinking) she might be able to make some progress and realize that there are other ways to address her issues.
I feel for you and can understand why you want to help. So sad to have lived such a life. Sending positive thoughts and prayers......
I feel for you and can understand why you want to help. So sad to have lived such a life. Sending positive thoughts and prayers......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Maskofmany, it is impossible to change another person. She has to want to stop drinking, and she says she's not ready. I've heard the expression that love conquers all, and I used to believe that until I learned about addiction. You cannot love someone straight. It's all up to her. And she has alot of baggage. She needs therapy to learn how to deal with all the pain she has been through without the use of alcohol. You sound like a great person with a good heart, and she is lucky to have you. I hope this turns out the way you would like it to. But it really is all up to her. Don't stop taking care of yourself for anyone. Your off to a very unhealthy start with this woman. And it seems to me, that your codependant. Your taking on all of her problems, and letting yours fall by the wayside. That's never good. Your in for a rough ride and a rude awakening if you think you can change her because you love her. Addiction doesn't work that way. So many on this site, have tried to love their addict loved ones clean. It doesn't work. Sorry.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Maskofmany,
I know you said you work nites so its difficult to go to meetings. Why not find a professional to talk this all out with. I know you want to fix this with your girlfriend.....but I only see a whole lot of hurt in your future. If you want to stay with her you will need counseling. Just my opinion. I can feel your pain coming through. But you are one of those fix it guys as you stated above. Your looking for her to want to get well. Sounds like she's not ready.
A lot of us here have have had terrible terrible childhoods, marriages, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. We've suffered, cried, gotten into trouble and finally came to the realization that only we could stop the madness. There is NO Night and Shinning Armor that's gonna rescue us. We had to reach our lowest point and get help.
If your girlfriend clams up its because she doesn't REALLY want help right now. I know I didn't want to listen when people tried to help me. I would get angry and avoid conversation.
I'm afraid the only way for you both to make this work is to get professional help. Just my opinion
I wish you the best.
:ghug3
I know you said you work nites so its difficult to go to meetings. Why not find a professional to talk this all out with. I know you want to fix this with your girlfriend.....but I only see a whole lot of hurt in your future. If you want to stay with her you will need counseling. Just my opinion. I can feel your pain coming through. But you are one of those fix it guys as you stated above. Your looking for her to want to get well. Sounds like she's not ready.
A lot of us here have have had terrible terrible childhoods, marriages, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. We've suffered, cried, gotten into trouble and finally came to the realization that only we could stop the madness. There is NO Night and Shinning Armor that's gonna rescue us. We had to reach our lowest point and get help.
If your girlfriend clams up its because she doesn't REALLY want help right now. I know I didn't want to listen when people tried to help me. I would get angry and avoid conversation.
I'm afraid the only way for you both to make this work is to get professional help. Just my opinion
I wish you the best.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Angelic17 
And it seems to me, that your codependant. Your taking on all of her problems, and letting yours fall by the wayside.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by opivotal
Maskofmany,
I know you said you work nites so its difficult to go to meetings. Why not find a professional to talk this all out with. I know you want to fix this with your girlfriend.....but I only see a whole lot of hurt in your future. If you want to stay with her you will need counseling. Just my opinion. I can feel your pain coming through. But you are one of those fix it guys as you stated above. Your looking for her to want to get well. Sounds like she's not ready.
A lot of us here have have had terrible terrible childhoods, marriages, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. We've suffered, cried, gotten into trouble and finally came to the realization that only we could stop the madness. There is NO Night and Shinning Armor that's gonna rescue us. We had to reach our lowest point and get help.
If your girlfriend clams up its because she doesn't REALLY want help right now. I know I didn't want to listen when people tried to help me. I would get angry and avoid conversation.
I'm afraid the only way for you both to make this work is to get professional help. Just my opinion
I wish you the best.
:ghug3
I know you said you work nites so its difficult to go to meetings. Why not find a professional to talk this all out with. I know you want to fix this with your girlfriend.....but I only see a whole lot of hurt in your future. If you want to stay with her you will need counseling. Just my opinion. I can feel your pain coming through. But you are one of those fix it guys as you stated above. Your looking for her to want to get well. Sounds like she's not ready.
A lot of us here have have had terrible terrible childhoods, marriages, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. We've suffered, cried, gotten into trouble and finally came to the realization that only we could stop the madness. There is NO Night and Shinning Armor that's gonna rescue us. We had to reach our lowest point and get help.
If your girlfriend clams up its because she doesn't REALLY want help right now. I know I didn't want to listen when people tried to help me. I would get angry and avoid conversation.
I'm afraid the only way for you both to make this work is to get professional help. Just my opinion
I wish you the best.
:ghug3
In fact, I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, and I was going to talk with her about possibly seeing my girlfriend and I both at the same time. I think if that could work it could be a way for my girlfriend to get some of the help she obviously needs. There's zero doubt in my mind that she needs someone like a counselor to talk with - I don't think she ever got through the grieving process of her first daughter, or her mother dying.
She's just so hard to approach on serious issues - ya never know how it's gonna go when it happens. :/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I was a care giver and codependent with my addictive mother, I am sure it played a role in my turning into an alcoholic. I have been working hard on personal boundaries and putting myself first in relationships.
Just a suggestion...I have married friend who was able to get her resistant husband into counseling by broachin the subject as couples counseling...their issue isn't addiction btw. The counselor eventually convinced them that they also had to meet individually...she admitted to my friend that this was so she could have one on one with the husband...my friend didn't need it.
Again, good luck!
I h
Just a suggestion...I have married friend who was able to get her resistant husband into counseling by broachin the subject as couples counseling...their issue isn't addiction btw. The counselor eventually convinced them that they also had to meet individually...she admitted to my friend that this was so she could have one on one with the husband...my friend didn't need it.
Again, good luck!
I h
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
You seem like a great person, and someone who really cares for other people. I married a woman who had a similiar background as your girlfriend, although she was never a drinker or addict, her parents were, she was basically on her own from the age of 14, and she had many issues to deal with as well as a child. I feel like I was able to "save" her from a life that was in shambles, helped her get into school, gave her a real family, and we have now been together for 20 years. I do have a happy ending.
But if you were my brother, after hearing your story, and adding the alcohol addiction....if you have only been together for 3 months, I would tell you to run in the opposite direction. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, and we have made our relationship work, and I wouldn't want it anyother way now. But if I knew then what I know now regarding woman in general, and woman who have come from terrible abusive situations, bad families etc. I would have stayed away. I am a very strong person with a very strong nuclear family upbringing, and I consider myself one of the lucky few who would be able to withstand some of the trials and tribulations I have been put through over the last 20 years.....and I wouldn't wish them on anyone else. I know every situation is different, but if you were my brother, I would tell you to cut your losses at 3 months, and don't look back. If that does indeed sober her up, I would say "good", and I would still tell you to stay away unless you are some kind of masochist. Please don't take offense to what I am saying, but I have been there, and even without the alcohol factor you will be fighting an uphill battle daily. I was lucky and made it through alive, but I think alot of the drinking I have done over the past 20 years helped numb me to alot of the pain, and craziness I endured having to deal with her past.
But if you were my brother, after hearing your story, and adding the alcohol addiction....if you have only been together for 3 months, I would tell you to run in the opposite direction. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, and we have made our relationship work, and I wouldn't want it anyother way now. But if I knew then what I know now regarding woman in general, and woman who have come from terrible abusive situations, bad families etc. I would have stayed away. I am a very strong person with a very strong nuclear family upbringing, and I consider myself one of the lucky few who would be able to withstand some of the trials and tribulations I have been put through over the last 20 years.....and I wouldn't wish them on anyone else. I know every situation is different, but if you were my brother, I would tell you to cut your losses at 3 months, and don't look back. If that does indeed sober her up, I would say "good", and I would still tell you to stay away unless you are some kind of masochist. Please don't take offense to what I am saying, but I have been there, and even without the alcohol factor you will be fighting an uphill battle daily. I was lucky and made it through alive, but I think alot of the drinking I have done over the past 20 years helped numb me to alot of the pain, and craziness I endured having to deal with her past.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
