driedout

So I've been a lurker here for quite some time, but following this past weekend, I realized I needed to take a jump and get some help. Was it that I lost my phone yet again during a blackout? Was it making an ass of myself at a party where I was simply an extra guest? Was it the two-day hangover? Probably all of those things combined.

Over the past year, I've noticed my drinking getting progressively worse. Despite some really tame times through the winter (when I traveled, got myself happy, etc.), I've been on a trend where I blackout at least once a weekend and am not only losing friends, but also wasting some amazing opportunities. I kept justifying it by saying, "oh, my friends are worse off than I am," but I've realized recently that they aren't even close; and, furthermore, they aren't the cause of this - I am.

So I took my last drink on Friday night (somewhere, I don't recall, sadly) and I guess am technically now on my 3rd day of sobriety - going in to the fourth. In terms of withdraws, I'm not really fighting the urge to drink that much. I have a bunch of wine in the house, but can easily avoid it. Etc. Etc., I think the big issue right now is that I'm not entirely sure I fully want to 100% quit. That said, I'm very close. I have LOTS of stuff that is going my way right now, and I don't want to mess it up any longer.

I've lost so much this past year. Gained 20lbs. My hair is a mess. Skin gross. Eyes sour looking. I got my drivers license renewed and looked at it and thought, "Jesus, is that what I really look like now?" Evidently it is. I'm 30, but look 40. I desperately want all these things to change, and am realizing that the move to eliminating alcohol might be the one thing I need.

It's somewhat embarassing to admit that I can't control it. But I can't anymore. Admitting I can't is much much less embarrassing than being a 30 y/o alcoholic, I know. I worry about how things will change. Will I be able to have as much fun? Will I lose friends? Will I have as much adventure as before? I know that the answer is yes in all respects and that it'll be a great challenge. At th emoment, though, I'm just feeling weak, a little embarrassed, and lacking the conviction to really improve my life.

Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Oh - and in terms of drinking-centered events coming up, I could actually avoid it w/o too much pain until the middle of August. My friends, more than likely, will not only understand, but have seen it coming and will likely be highly supportive.

Looking forward to starting this journey.

artsoul

I don't know if I really wanted to stop either, driedout, but I did want the pain and obsession to go away. I was really wearing myself out, body, mind and soul. And I knew it would only get worse if I didn't do something. I kept putting it off, but the hangovers got worse (like you said, two days instead of a morning) and I could sense that my next wakeup call might be pretty serious. Now that I've had a few months of sobriety, I can't believe I let it get that bad. I was sicker than I thought.

Glad you're here - it's a great place to get support. I doubt I'd be sober this long if it weren't for this site. Hang in there and take it a day at a time!

driedout

Thanks ArtSoul. Really great to hear some encouragement. Yep I think that I'm starting to realize how utterly terrible I've been to my body and my own chance at happiness. All told, I've probably had some level of hangover for maybe 90 days out of the past 365, probably a bit more, which isn't helping anything.

One thing I tend to be very bad at is sticking to an upswing, though. I go a few days of positive thoughts, then either get lazy or distracted and just end up not doing much. My latest realization is that I derail my progress eveyr weekend with drinking and anxiety, and I have to reboot each time. My hope this time around is that by removing drinking I can set a course for myself that is truly happy and fulfilled - where stuff is cumulative day to day ;-0

nating

I am not in any position to give advice, as today is only number seven. Yet, when I looked in the mirror this morning, it was the first time in a long time that I liked what I saw. Some of the puffiness had subsided and I had also finally slept. But it was also a better feeling within.

driedout

nating, that thought of being sometime in the future and feeling truly removed from this cloud is really motivating. congrats on your day 7.

MTWildflower

Welcome, driedout.

Dee74

Hi dried out

I didn't want to quit either.

I nearly died from my drinking, and I still didn't want to quit.
It's what our condition does to us.

Try reading your post again as if it was written by someone else - look at what you're describing.

It's insane to want to keep drinking - but it's an insanity we can all empathise with.

'Staying in today' helped me - it was easier to deal with not drinking today than not drinking again.

And it was easier to deal with what might happen today than it was to worry about what may happen next week, next month, Christmas...

A lot of the folks told me when I joined up here...'just trust us...do whatever you have to do to stay sober, and everything else falls into place'.

That was great advice, because that's exactly what happened for me - so I'm passing it on.

Do whatever you have to do to remain sober - whether it's SR, counselling, AA or some other group, or a mix...and I think you'll find that it's the centrepoint of the wheel that everything else runs from

Welcome to SR

D

eddie73

Good man, I hope you quit for good this time. All I can say is that having read peoples experiences on this forum over the last year, if you go back drinking at all it means you will end up in an alcoholic hellhole again. Make your decision to totally quit and get a support strategy in situ to do this. If it means you lose friends etc, so be it. Gud luck pal

SereniTee

I didn't want to quit either man but gradually I realised I was having way more fun sober than I ever did when I was wrecking myself. We don't drink and use like other people, drink and drugs are luxurys we can't afford, but we can be just as happy as those people who have the odd glass provided we are in recovery and not killing ourselves.

Keep going mate

loveon2legs

I too didn't want to quit, but getting arrested for a DUI opened my eyes to how far I had really gone with drinking. I drank for 20 some years, so it's really all I knew...I'm 6 months sober as of the 25th of this month....you really can do this and experience a new life...with its own set of problems..but you can do it sober!! and the consequences aren't so bad!!
All the best on your journey, and keep posting and reading!!

Snarf

driedout, welcome to our community! If you're looking for help and support, you're in the right place.

I'm 29 and stopped drinking 4 months ago. I was a big time, blackout, stumble around drunk. And I tell you this, in response to you wondering if you'll be able to have fun and be adventurous: heck yeah you can. I have more fun now that I'm not drinking, and I actually remember it, which is a plus. I'm also more motivated to go out and do things now that I'm not hanging out on the couch with a 12 pack. My fiancee is in 2 tennis leagues, and she's been talking about how we need to do things together to stay in shape. So, knowing that she likes tennis, I went out and bought a racket yesterday so we could play together. 4+ months ago, that would never occur to me.

In fact, in a few minutes I'm going to work out in the gym in my apartment complex, something else I never did while drinking. Some other things I've enjoyed without alcohol: Atlanta Braves games, birthday parties (where lots of close friends were drinking), great dinners, playing basketball, AA meetings (I usually have fun there), drag show (I work in Midtown Atlanta), hanging out with friends and listening to music or watching a movie, playing video games, learning to cook new dishes...Next month there's a Salvador Dali exhibit at the High Museum 1 block away from my work, so I intend to visit that a few times, and there's a Dave Matthews show I wanted to attend tonight but couldn't get off work. There's tons of stuff to do without alcohol, and it's usually cheaper, you recall everything you did, you don't embarrass yourself, you can drive yourself home, and you don't wake up feeling like crap!

LifeIs

Welcome Dried Out.

You are in the right place, help can be found here. Take it easy and be strong!

SoberJune282010

Just remember driedout, there is absolutely nothing embarrassing about improving and bettering yourself!

driedout

hey guys. Thanks for all of your encouragement. Man, the last couple of days have been rough - not in terms of straight withdraws or urges to drink (i've not had many) - but the insomnia and general anxiety have made things difficult.

People are already lining up drinking events starting tomorrow, but I actually have the great feeling of not really wanting anything and seeing it not only as the source of my problem, but as something that I'm proud to recognize I can do without. One thing that I'm learning is that one drink is a failure. I'm sure that sometime in the next week I'll be in a situation (work or otherwise) where a glass of wine or something is not just the norm, but expected. In the past, I would have thought, cool - I'll just have two and go on my way. And I probably could do that, but I know that soon after that, I'd want more - or at the very least, I'd find myself saying that my drinking is ok - that it can be handled.

But now seeing the idea of one drink as being too many is pretty comforting. In truth, I need a full year of clarity to really clean this mess up and get on with my adult life. I went from successful and full of hope and crisp to somewhat washed up, struggling, and disheveled. And that has just made me sink lower. Hopefully I can get to the point where I feel like I deserve to be at my best. Guilt and shame are cripplers for me. ;-(

THat said, I'm feeling optimistic. I'm not on much sleep, but good things are a foot I feel like. THanks for the discussion.

augustwest

Why do you have a bunch of wine in the house? Sounds dangerous to me. My experience was that when i truly hit "rock bottom" i was absolutely 100% sure i wanted to quit. I tried quitting several times because i "needed to" and that didn't work out for long. Unfortunately i had to keep digging until i had destroyed all delusions that i could drink or use drugs responsibly and without catastrophic consequences.

I had to reach that place where i couldn't live with or without the drugs and alcohol and wanted more than anything in the world for the pain to stop. Freedom, happiness, fulfillment, joy, all that stuff was secondary at the beginning. I just wanted to stop the profound suffering i had caused myself. I was desperate and willing to do anything to quit.

Worrying about how it's going to be, the future, all that stuff never did anything for me except create anxiety and made the whole thing seem impossible.

At the beginning, and still to this day 8 months later, i focus on today. I will not drink or drug today. I will attend a meeting today. I will pray and meditate today. I will talk to someone in recovery who cares about my well being today. I will eat healthy food, get some exercise, laugh, and nurture my spirit to the best of my ability today. I will put effort towards this things i can change today and leave the rest for tomorrow or whenever i can change them. If i cannot change something i pray for the serenity to accept it and move on, for today. I do these things each day.

All the best to you. It gets better, i promise, so long as you don't pick up you're giving yourself another chance at life. Freedom, joy, happiness, and all that truly is possible. I'm living it today, except for when i'm not, but i still ain't gonna drink or drug, no matter what. It's guaranteed to make whatever my reality is worse. Much worse.

Namaste.

DayTrader

Don't get too wrapped up in what will come. Part of the deal in recovery, for me anyway, is living with the faith that if I do the right things now regardless if I feel like it or not, the God of my understanding won't allow me to get into situations that I can't get through. That's a farrrrrrrr cry from the way I used to live - believe me.

The "real" friends......the ppl who have a sincere love for you will stick. My best friend was also my favorite drinking buddy. He's still my best friend. We still hang out. He still drinks but slowed wayyyyyy down (heh, I'm still a little jealous of that sometimes).

You're right to be optimistic. Recovery can be tough at times but it's night and day compared to living with the pains most of us used to live in.

Congrats on taking the first steps in a new direction.

driedout

hey guys. things still progressing along just fine here. I got some ok sleep last night for the first time, but my dreams are seriously wacked out and anxiety-ridden. Couple small things:

1. I'm very, very cloudy still in my head, but I noticed 'life' again today and it felt great. There are little things that pop up that kind of re-assure me that things are opening up again. As simple as thinking, "I could go get some milk and have a giant bowl of cereal now." Before today, I'd either be too stressed or out drinking. Little things.

2. A friend came by with a bottle of champs for my new place. I'm glad that I kind of cringed at it. She came in, we chatted, then it went right in to the cupboard.

3. I *DO* have the desire to drink at times like this (night). It'd taste SO good to have 3-4 beers fast or a whole bottle of wine. I can't recall ever having these cravings or urges in such a pronounced way before; that said, I'm on day 5 now of sobriety and maybe I was a bit further gone than I had thought.

Nothing else new, guys - just glad to still be here and strong!

artsoul

hey dried out - you're doing great! At 5 days I was still foggy and irritable, and oh so tired. The insomnia took about a week and a half to leave and I still felt tired for a good few weeks after that. It's gotten better each and every day for the past 3 months, so keep hanging in there. (And the dreams will settle down, too). The mornings are good though, right?

I also found that the cravings followed the same course - they kept getting further apart and less intense (minus the one I had last night which was rough).
I remember just coming here and reading every post, then going back to old, old posts and reading them too, until I felt like I had the ground under me again.

Whatever it takes.......... and just keep it at one day at a time.

driedout

thanks! it's a wednesday, and I think if I wasn't on this path, I definitely would be out right now, enjoying some drinks after a big dinner.

instead, a free night to myself and some sleep to catch up on! these are good things.

MelindaFlowers

Hi Driedout,

It took me awhile to realize, even after I wanted to stop that one drink is too many. Like you, it lead me to want more and more. And I would have more and more. That's great that you are realizing this now.

I can relate to how you saw your drinking take a wrong turn in the past year. That happened to me too. I'm 28 and from 21 to 26 everything just kind of coasted along, no blackouts, hangovers at work, etc. Around 18 months ago my drinking morphed into something different and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it back to the normal-happy version.

Once I was sober a month and thought that since my tolerance had gone down I could be completely content with 2-3 beers at a party and stop. It didn't work. It just meant that I became belligerent more quickly

It progressed from no blackouts to weekend blackouts to weeknight blackouts, from goofy behavior to hostile behavior, from the privacy of my own home to parties with an audience.

That's a good description about being "crisp" before the drinking. In my life the little details of 'my dignity' were lost in the past year. Whether it was showing up to work in a wrinkled shirt, not wanting to look people in the eye in the morning, wearing mismatched socks, going too long between hair cuts/touching up roots, answering the phone at noon with that groggy just-woken-up voice. Yep, that happened with my boss a few times.

I found this site about two months ago when I realized that drinking was no longer working for me; in fact it was taking me down quickly. I heard that term here though, "alcohol was no longer working for me" and I like it because it takes the drama out of statements that I could also say: "alcohol was killing me, ruining my life..." and all the rest. Those are true of course but I found that laying in bed at night thinking those thoughts was causing me panic.