DirtyCycle

Hi all,

I may be out of order being here, I am still on prescription meds for pain and anxiety. (no street drugs) If I should be in a certain area I'd appreciate a point in the right direction.

I have a lifelong history of depression and anxiety, I'm a 36 y/o male, 37 on saturday, and the 2nd 1/2 of my life has been under the influence of something. I am currently rehabbing from a car wreck and starting to come off the pain killers I realized I had re-awoken my opiate habit I kicked about 9 years ago, minus a half dozen slips in there, but none recent.

I'm fighting opiate painkillers, Benzos, alcohol, and diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder with a side of Anxiety issues and insomnia and am just looking for a new start...new ideas...I'll probably be reading more than posting since my current status as an addict, don't want to make anyone uncomfortable with that.

I've been in treatment on numerous occasions, with and without my consent, but it never stuck. I do know all too well the lessons behind NA and AA, just haven't been able to make it work. I know, work the program and it will work for me...but it didn't...not long-term.

Soooo...hello to the world, I'll be seeing you around.

LifeIs

DirtyCycle, you have come to the right place. Here in SR you will find all kinds of addictions and many people that have same/similar problems as you.

Take your time, check around, read the different forums and you will find where you are most comfortable. You did well to check in here first and introduce yourself.

I wish you well on your journey, it will be well worth it in the end.
Be Strong!

Anna

You are absolutely in the right place, here at SR.

We welcome everyone to the Newcomers forum, and it's not necessary that you are sober at this moment.

I'm glad you are looking for help.

Have you talked to your dr about the depression and anxiety? For me, I had to get my depression treated properly before I could stop drinking. If your depression came before the addiction, it could be possible that medication would help. It could also be possible that the addiction caused or added to the depression, and that when you are sober, the depression may improve.

I do hope you look around here and read and continue to post.

artsoul

Welcome, DirtyCycle - glad you're here. Are you under the care of a psychiatrist at all? Do they know your history and what you're taking now?

I know it's hard to have underlying issues (I've have depression off and on since I was in college) and I don't think I could stay sober if I wasn't getting treatment for mine.

I'm sure you also know that taking multiple substances (like drinking on top of antidepressants, or benzos) takes the problem to another level, which just makes our mental/emotional stuff worse. When I was drinking, I was just adding to my depression/anxiety in a very real, chemical way. I'd actually never had the kind of anxiety (before or after) that I had while I was actively using alcohol.

I'm glad you're wanting to get your life on a better track. That's what we're all here for and it's a lot easier doing it with each other's support.

DirtyCycle

Thanks to everyone that posted!

I should have made it clear that I am under the care of my family Dr. for the pain meds (I've been tapering off Fentanyl patches, I'm at only 12 mcg per day at this point, along with about 70 mg of oxycodone)
I'm also getting 5 mg per day of xanax, about as much as they will give you...and those 5 mg don't seem to touch me anymore. I also take recently started on Zoloft and I don't want to be too optimistic (maybe that's my problem) but I think it may be helping the hole I've been in seem a little shallower.
I get these from my psychiatrist and he is aware of the pain meds and my family doc is aware of my psychiatric meds. Actually I had appointment today and switched to librium which has a longer half life, but still a benzo.

So....

I should have mentioned I wasn't self medicating, thought I should clear that up. But coming off the fentanyl has stirred something in me that scares me. I start fiending over when my next Dr. appt. is, how much is left of what, hoarding them for a couple of days and then binging...I was once a intravenous heroin addict, and I know my behavior. I can look in from the outside and what I'm doing but just keep at it. I think I'm just waiting for them to take them away to kick. I do still have legitimate back pain with sciatica, but nothing to justify the levels I'm at. I am aware I should tell my Dr., but am afraid if I confide in him I'll get taken off permanently and immediately. I also just don't want to be a junky in his files. I'm hoping to work it out on my on. For the last week or so I actually gave my meds to a friend that will only give me what I'm supposed to have per day. My own personal methadone clinic you could say.
I am aware you can abuse the fentanyl patches but haven't gotten that carried away fortunately.


I am on disability for the depression....they gave me that after I had 12 doses of ECT (Shock therapy) and with too much time on my hands and in pain, I fill the time the best I can, often the wrong way sadly. I've been under psychiatric care since I was 12 and have taken about every antidepressant known to man...I have my PDR and have often thought I could be a pharmacist if I could keep my hands to myself. I am a college educated drug addict. Unfortunately that round of shock treatments wiped alot of my memory including the 500+ Latin names of all the plants and trees when I was studying horticulture. I am making new memories, but definitely lost some past memories.

Dee74

Hi DirtyCycle

I'm a common or garden variety alcoholic, s it's up to you if you feel my thoughts have any validity in your case or not

In my experience, though, it's always best to be up front with your doc...not only are you assured of the right help that way, but when we're only telling half the story it can often bite us in the butt when we least expect it to.

And...I 'tried to work things out on my own' too....for 20 years.

I was simply feeding my addiction really - I think it's really hard to be objective about stuff when you're addicted DC.

I hope you'll also check out our substance abuse board - there's a lot of help and support here on SR

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome!
D

Wilde10

Welcome DC!
My thougths are with you. It seems like you are going through a very tough time - It also seems that you have the support of your family and you have taken some very good decisions. I really hope good energy. luck and fairies/angels, whatever it is you are able to believe in will cross your path to make it a bit easier for you.

DirtyCycle

thanks for the support Wilde, and you're right about talking to my dr. Dee. We had originally planned to taper me off the pills once I got tapered off the fentanyl, and I plan to go with the original plan...approx 3 months to get off the level of oxycodone I'm at is the plan. My Dr. is a kind one and is willing to taper me at a comfortable level.

I'm really a bit concerned that I may seek them out once they are gone, but in my heart I want to get tapered off and stat that way. I actually saw my shrink today and I was switched from xanax to librium. Supposedly a "safer" Benzo hat builds in your system to the point that you don't need it as often. No little kick like a Xanax or 5 as far as I can tell, so that cuts down on abuse potential I think. I told him my concerns and he said he would work with me. Apparently he once had a patient addicted to percocets, and he would write the guy prescriptions for only 4 days worth at a time of a low dose. Eventually the guy stopped coming, my Dr. figured the guy decided that the hassle of coming to the office twice a week was too much for the reward. I secretly wondered if that is the case or if the guy just got a better connection. Just my cynical mind...

But I was today, and intend to continue be, honest with my Dr. regarding it.

One Dr. down, one to go. Now to tell the man actually writing the scripts. I have also given my remaining meds to someone who won't steal them, and will only dispense the prescribed amt to me each day, and they live within a 1/2 mile, so it's no problem for them. They want to see me off as much as I want to be. Good to have at least one close ally handy.

I also need to tell my close friend that used to give me all his "extra" valium, that I don't want them anymore. It will be tough to close that door, because he is an old friend...just revolves his life around what new pills he can score, and I don't need to be around that now/anymore...? I hate to think I couldn't hang out with this particular friend anymore, we go WAY back and even served a little time together under psychiatric care in the local hospital's Mental health care unit (read: looney bin) as teenagers together. He is schizophrenic and has alot off his own problems, but has always been my go-to guy when I need to talk about my darkest feelings that I can't seem to tell anyone else for fear of being committed. For all his problems, he has some really good insight wh en it comes to my problems. Maybe I can come here to blow off some steam in lieu of that.

Thanks everyone for being so friendly!

I'm not a daily drinker, more of the binge variety.....My B-day is this weekend and I'm fighting urges to go get a bottle or two so it's handy for the weekend. So far no bottle though! I'm a procrastinator alot of the time, but not when I'm thinking chemically. :

Dee74

I remember that too - I would have pulled a sled 25 miles through 12 feet of snow to get a drink...and I live in the tropics LOL.

Amazing really.

I think you're making good choices with the Dr, DC

D