Backwards steps
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Backwards steps
At the beginning of this year, I committed myself to AA, started on the steps and began going to meetings several times a week. I knew I was making progress. Everyone said I looked a lot healthier and I knew I was happier.
Sadly, I have now taken several steps backwards and I am in great need to find my path again. I stopped going to meetings about a month ago and haven't seen my sponsor for about three weeks. Work has been intense but most nights after work, I find myself going out on my own to unfamiliar areas, picking up a can or two and drinking it in the street, then heading into a bar to try to find drinkers to join me. Most people are suspicious when I come in on my own, searching for company, so of course, it's the other lonely, messed-up heavy drinkers who agree to keep me company and we usually stay until the bar closes.
During this down period a few bad things have happened. One night I ended up in a park late at night where I scored both dope and coke. I haven't touched either of those things for a long time. A girl appeared when she saw I'd got some gear and she wanted to come back to my place to take it with me. As we were about to get into a taxi, the police stopped us and warned me about the girl - a known trouble maker. Why they didn't search me and arrest me I honestly don't know. She came back to my place, we did the drugs, she stole my Ipod and disappeared when I was in the bathroom.
Another night I was in a bar really late and talked to a drunk South American girl. We flirted a lot and were touching each other and dancing. When I tried to get her number at the end of the night she refused and I must admit I was rather angry with her. I particularly regret that as it was undignified and made me look desperate and foolish.
Tonight after work I started my usual pattern of trying to find a street where no-one would recognise me. I bought a can, had a few gulps and then thought "I am just tired of this".
I actually threw the can away and tomorrow I have promised to meet my sponsor and go to a meeting. I was half-tempted to go to a party tomorrow night but I won't as my recovery is incredibly fragile. I shall try to persuade some people from the meeting to come and eat with me instead.
What do I hate the most about the way I am feeling now? Firstly, that I've thrown away the tools of recovery for a few weeks and I'm struggling to remember what it was like to be sober and calm. Secondly, that I allow a perceived rejection from a drunk woman I met in a sleazy bar to reduce me to an angry, ungracious and foolish person. Thirdly, that I can feel my healthy body
and healthy mind slipping away and I fear my behaviour and attitude may soon become worse than before.
On the other hand, I did break the cycle tonight and I can - if I choose - get back into the programme of recovery this weekend. People are waiting for me at that meeting. My sponsor will buy me a smoothie. And somewhere out there, although He feels a great distance away at the moment, God is surely hoping that I will turn back to him in prayer and ask for his grace and forgiveness.
Sadly, I have now taken several steps backwards and I am in great need to find my path again. I stopped going to meetings about a month ago and haven't seen my sponsor for about three weeks. Work has been intense but most nights after work, I find myself going out on my own to unfamiliar areas, picking up a can or two and drinking it in the street, then heading into a bar to try to find drinkers to join me. Most people are suspicious when I come in on my own, searching for company, so of course, it's the other lonely, messed-up heavy drinkers who agree to keep me company and we usually stay until the bar closes.
During this down period a few bad things have happened. One night I ended up in a park late at night where I scored both dope and coke. I haven't touched either of those things for a long time. A girl appeared when she saw I'd got some gear and she wanted to come back to my place to take it with me. As we were about to get into a taxi, the police stopped us and warned me about the girl - a known trouble maker. Why they didn't search me and arrest me I honestly don't know. She came back to my place, we did the drugs, she stole my Ipod and disappeared when I was in the bathroom.
Another night I was in a bar really late and talked to a drunk South American girl. We flirted a lot and were touching each other and dancing. When I tried to get her number at the end of the night she refused and I must admit I was rather angry with her. I particularly regret that as it was undignified and made me look desperate and foolish.
Tonight after work I started my usual pattern of trying to find a street where no-one would recognise me. I bought a can, had a few gulps and then thought "I am just tired of this".
I actually threw the can away and tomorrow I have promised to meet my sponsor and go to a meeting. I was half-tempted to go to a party tomorrow night but I won't as my recovery is incredibly fragile. I shall try to persuade some people from the meeting to come and eat with me instead.
What do I hate the most about the way I am feeling now? Firstly, that I've thrown away the tools of recovery for a few weeks and I'm struggling to remember what it was like to be sober and calm. Secondly, that I allow a perceived rejection from a drunk woman I met in a sleazy bar to reduce me to an angry, ungracious and foolish person. Thirdly, that I can feel my healthy body
and healthy mind slipping away and I fear my behaviour and attitude may soon become worse than before.
On the other hand, I did break the cycle tonight and I can - if I choose - get back into the programme of recovery this weekend. People are waiting for me at that meeting. My sponsor will buy me a smoothie. And somewhere out there, although He feels a great distance away at the moment, God is surely hoping that I will turn back to him in prayer and ask for his grace and forgiveness.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Yes, there is always hope and always forgiveness.
You did lose some ground, but hopefully you learned something from this experience, so that it doesn't have to happen again. It sounds like you really don't like yourself when you're drinking. You can change that. And, if you feel lonely, you can always come here and find someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.
I'm glad you're here!
You did lose some ground, but hopefully you learned something from this experience, so that it doesn't have to happen again. It sounds like you really don't like yourself when you're drinking. You can change that. And, if you feel lonely, you can always come here and find someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.
I'm glad you're here!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
EP - at least you're realizing that there's nothing drinking can offer (except bigger problems). You have a support system in place, so it will be a lot easier to get back to sobriety now than if you wait until things get worse.
Dinner or coffee after a meeting sounds like a great idea! Hang in there and remember you're doing this to be the best person you can be!
Dinner or coffee after a meeting sounds like a great idea! Hang in there and remember you're doing this to be the best person you can be!
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thanks for the post. It brought me back to the madness of being in the drunk. Where you have like a tunnel vision and every thing is amplified and manic. The scoring the drugs when drunk in the park is something I related to. The madness of it all and meeting up with strangers to try to sort a sesh out back at somebody's flat. Never to be seen again!
I used to buy a couple of cans of Super-strength and then go and sit in the pub but I got embarassed by what my behaviour was probably like (I relate to the drunken angryness at a girl who blazed you) and so i would sit on my own and drink, less problems and hassle. I remember everything seemed so crazy and manic when i was out drinking. My behaviour and moods would be pretty erratic too. I really didn't like myself when I sobered up. Ashamed, embarassed, paranoid etc. I always felt bad after drinking, especially when I drank in public with others. I hadn't used to care but then it progressed and I was a liability.
There is a way out and it sounds like you know what you need to do.
All The Best
I used to buy a couple of cans of Super-strength and then go and sit in the pub but I got embarassed by what my behaviour was probably like (I relate to the drunken angryness at a girl who blazed you) and so i would sit on my own and drink, less problems and hassle. I remember everything seemed so crazy and manic when i was out drinking. My behaviour and moods would be pretty erratic too. I really didn't like myself when I sobered up. Ashamed, embarassed, paranoid etc. I always felt bad after drinking, especially when I drank in public with others. I hadn't used to care but then it progressed and I was a liability.
There is a way out and it sounds like you know what you need to do.
All The Best
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 180
Every waking moment is a chance to turn it all around. I'm sorry to hear about your problems. You've come to the right place, we're here to support you. You have to soldier through each day like you did before. You did great before now you just have to pick yourself up and do it again. Fall 7 times, stand up 8 (chinese proverb).
Good luck to you, I will pray for you.
-It's not the beginning of the end, it's the return to yourself -Enigma
Good luck to you, I will pray for you.
-It's not the beginning of the end, it's the return to yourself -Enigma
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