Dinamic

So, last night I indulged yet again in the bottle. I woke up this morning feeling all, well I suppose the best word to describe it would be - GROSS!
I only had five beer, which is awesome for me. I was actually able to say no after five beer. I was able to put the bottle down. It wasn't even hard to do it either, it was an easy choice.

I've noticed that every time I go back to the bottle I like it less and less. I should be disappointed that I had a few drinks, but really I'm not. It seems that I discover more about myself every time I fail. Does that make sense?
I realize something every time. Whether it be that I sincerely hate the taste of beer or that I simply hate who I become when I drink.

So, here I go again. It's day one, and I'm excited to start this journey over.
Does anyone else notice that they discover something about themselves after a night of indulging in your weakness? Does this make you upset, or more motivated? Share everyone.. I love to hear all the stories!

least

Every time I relapsed I learned something but I was never happy about it, only disappointed and angry with myself for falling back into that Dark Place. I hope your next attempt at sobriety is more successful.

loveon2legs

Hi Dianamic,
Are you trying to "control" your drinking, or are you committed to staying sober? I learned that I couldn't "control" my drinking..it controlled me...sure for awhile I did okay, but it brought me down once again...my bottom....DUI.....so I learned there is no safe amount of alcohol for me!!

Kmber2010

Im glad you are back and what I did each time I picked up was to try to learn about why I picked up and what steps I would take differently this time to stay sober and work recovery.

Just don't drink and get support. Easy sounding words but anyone in recovery will tell you that permanently putting the bottle down is much harder but once we cross over and start getting real we find that sobriety was never all that unattainable. Just a toss of the bottle away.

Hope you can apply what you learned from this and move forward. We are here for you.

Keep sharing and stay strong.

CarolD

Drinking made me depressed and I detested the woman
I had become from drinking.
That's what I discovered.

That's why I decided to quit drinking a toxic liquid.
I certainly hope you will soon stop...

Kmber2010

Amen Carol. You totally read my mind. When I drank and even now sober.....I hated who I became. I was down right horrible. My greatest achievement has been getting sober.

NEOMARXIST

I cannot relate to stopping after 5 beers. After 5 beers nothing on this earth (literally) would have stopped me drinking more and more and more. I would be feeling the buzz and my alkie mind would be screaming at me to increase the buzz and general feeling of being under the influence of a chemical. I would be under the delusional thinking of "well if 5 beers feels this good then 10 beers is going to feel twice as good" and so on. I would also be usually frantically trying to ring somebody to buy Coke, pills or speed or cursing the fact that I had deleted all of the dealers numbers off my phone after my last binge. So I would charge round to somebodies house to try to get some numbers.

Basicallly I would wake up after a blackout and hating the person that I had become and full or anxiety, shame and hopelessness. At that point I would crack a beer that I had saved for the morning or cursing that I must have drank them all. Out the door to go buy more. Swearing at my family and telling them to go and f*ck themselves. Yep drink would destroy me and take everything I held dear with it in the process. That's what I learned.

Grateful to be a recovering alcoholic. I'm glad I don't live like that anymore.

peace

LaFemme

Hi Dinaminc!

I recently read an article in "Pyschology Today" that addressed this very point. For many addicts every relapse helps you move toward an eventual successful recovery. Obviously sadly, some people never make it. But the jist of the article is that people in recovery shouldn't beat themselves up about relapse but use it as a learning opportunity which is what you have done.

I know that every previous attempt has helped me in this attempt. I know what to watch out for and I have more tools today to not drink than I did in my first recovery attempt.

The first time, I couldn't fathom a life without alcohol, today I find it easier to contemplate a life without alcohol than a life with alcohol:-)

Zencat

After a relapse I look to see what more I can do in my addiction treatment program. I reflect on what was working and what wasn't. Then make the necessary changes that will keep me on track with my treatment program.

LexieCat

After struggling for four and a half years attempting to "moderate" my drinking, I found I could do it for awhile, but always went back to out-of-control drinking.

The reason, I think, is this: Unless I was getting a good buzz on, I didn't enjoy drinking. If I was controlling it, I wasn't enjoying it, and if I was enjoying it, I wasn't controlling it. I'd pat myself on the back after my three carefully-measured drinks, but the next night I'd say to myself, "wow, I did great last night, I can have a couple more tonight, and I can easily go back to three tomorrow night." And I might do that, but then I'd be ticked at having to put the brakes back on at three. And I could NOT seem to get away from drinking on a daily basis.

It was all so much damn WORK. Eventually, drinking stopped being fun, period. It felt like medication I needed to function normally (which it was, at that point). And it became harder and harder to maintain that "optimal dose".

Just my own experience here.

TexasNative

I'm with neo on this one, stop at five?? HAHAHAHA. No way this dude can do that. By beer #4 I would have in my posession a minimum of an 18 pack on ice, and would be desperately trying to score some white, green,shrooms.. anything to help me get amped so I could drink for hours and hours. Gross for sure.

Snarf

There's nothing I want to learn if drinking is the way to learn it. I've already learned enough about what a fool I can be when I drink, how I treat people, how I make myself feel (physically, mentally, emotionally). There's lots of evidence to show that drinking is the absolute wrong thing for me; I don't need to compile any more proof. I tell you this: I learn a lot more about myself every day that I don't drink than I ever could when I was boozing.

loveon2legs

Somebody posted this awhile back... I have many more drinks in me..but how many more recoveries?

onestepforward

Hey Dinamic,
I think it is really cool that you were able to stop after 5 beers and wake up and still continue the sober journey.
The times that I have been able to stop myself (which resulted in me taking a bunch of xanax to stop myself from drinking more) at a moderate amount only propelled me into another spiral.
But remember though, 5 beers might sound like nothin' to alkies like us, but it is still over the recommended guidelines for safe drinking.
I am glad you learned something about yourself, and I hope you choose to continue in your sobriety.

NEOMARXIST

That sounds like somebody I used to know!!

Grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.

peace

Hevyn

I agree with Neo & TexasN - 5 beers would lead to 20. Remorse & hangover the next morning, so hair-of-the-dog mode would kick in. By then, so much in my system that I would shake if I tried to slow down or stop the rollercoaster. This could go on for weeks or months & I never knew where I'd end up. The day I finally knew there would never be such a thing as "a few" was the day I decided to get well. Granted, it took years!

Dinamic - I so hope you won't have to go through the hell that many of us have. I'm glad you're posting about your journey.

Anna

For me, relapses were full of remorse and shame.

Like Carol, I hated the person I had become.

artsoul

I'm glad you're feeling excited to begin again. That's a real positive. I think we can learn from our relapses and get stronger.

I used to feel proud of myself when I stopped after a few drinks, too, but that was because I was still entertaining the idea of drinking in a controlled manner. I thought Lexiecat's post was spot on - it took a lot of work trying to do the control thing, so it never lasted very long for me.

I think if you can identify the triggers/feelings behind what made you pick up, it could really be helpful. And I do hope it adds to your motivation.

Just as an aside: Your post made me think of time in the past when I would "work on myself" (read spiritual, self/help, recovery stuff) while drinking. It didn't change too much, lol....

SixStringZen

Me too....5 beers is what I would drink if I wasn't drinking...

Hevyn

That's priceless, SixStringZ. I couldn't agree more.