Dry Drunk? what is it?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
There's definitely other kinds of drinkers I think La Femme...and other sets of alcoholic behaviours.
I was the kind who had almost completely lost their sense of self and who was always trying to define myself by my relationships (or lack of them) and defining my worth by what I did for other people.
That was my default position even before I started drinking - but I still had the anger and rage and everything else I spoke of earlier when I thought I was being 'used' or 'taken for granted' or 'not appreciated'....
Finding my sense of self and defining my boundaries was pretty fundamental in my recovery process
D
I was the kind who had almost completely lost their sense of self and who was always trying to define myself by my relationships (or lack of them) and defining my worth by what I did for other people.
That was my default position even before I started drinking - but I still had the anger and rage and everything else I spoke of earlier when I thought I was being 'used' or 'taken for granted' or 'not appreciated'....
Finding my sense of self and defining my boundaries was pretty fundamental in my recovery process
D
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Obviously, different people mean different things when they use the word "dry drunk"--which makes it tricky, because if different hearers interpret it differently we aren't really communicating, are we?
I know that I have times when I slip back into old ways of reacting to people and situations. It reminds me of the "autopilot" reactions I would have when I was drinking and couldn't properly process information, when I was feeling self-loathing and paranoia, didn't see things clearly because I was so scared all the time. I think of those "slips" as a form of "dry drunk"--I sometimes think and behave almost the way I did when I was drinking.
To me, it signals that something isn't "right" with me and that I had better tend to it. Maybe I'm feeling too "hungry, angry, lonely, tired." Maybe I need to talk to someone else or go to a meeting. Maybe I'm falling back into my "I'm the center of the universe" mode. Whatever.
I don't think it's helpful to label other people (or even myself) as "a dry drunk." But usually by the time we wind up in recovery we've learned a lot of dysfunctional behaviors that persist or pop up from time to time even when we aren't drinking anymore. If the concept works for you, fine, if not, also fine. Whatever works.
I know that I have times when I slip back into old ways of reacting to people and situations. It reminds me of the "autopilot" reactions I would have when I was drinking and couldn't properly process information, when I was feeling self-loathing and paranoia, didn't see things clearly because I was so scared all the time. I think of those "slips" as a form of "dry drunk"--I sometimes think and behave almost the way I did when I was drinking.
To me, it signals that something isn't "right" with me and that I had better tend to it. Maybe I'm feeling too "hungry, angry, lonely, tired." Maybe I need to talk to someone else or go to a meeting. Maybe I'm falling back into my "I'm the center of the universe" mode. Whatever.
I don't think it's helpful to label other people (or even myself) as "a dry drunk." But usually by the time we wind up in recovery we've learned a lot of dysfunctional behaviors that persist or pop up from time to time even when we aren't drinking anymore. If the concept works for you, fine, if not, also fine. Whatever works.
Whatever works is right. Not all things work of course. We're all free to walk our own journey into a better daily life. Not everybody will participate in that journey though for whatever reasons and their right to choose must also be respected even if it means we lose them. It's a most difficult thing about alcoholism -- sustained recovery must have ongoing desire. Not all alcoholics desire recovery into living a sober life. People die from alcoholism. People recover from alcoholism. These both are facts of life. I am grateful very grateful my choices have brought me to living a sober life. Live and let live.
warmly,
RobbyRobot
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Dry vs recovery . That one can sometimes be difficult to decipher. Truthfully the only person who truly knows is the person themselves. Here is my experience with the two, hope it makes some sense.
Yes it is ironic. Every time I relapes was because of relationship issues. All my relationship was doomed from the beginning. It wasn't until I did the step work and with the guidince of my sponcer the truth was uncovered.
We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past. In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old relationships prove very willing to let go of their bitterness.
I been holding on to a resentment and regret for the last 38 years. I found that person on Facebook and I made my amends. I apologize for my wrong doing and my apology was accepted....And that person apologize for there wrong doing and there apology was accepted....She was my first love at seventeen. I am finally free of that resentment, anger and regret…The one that kept me drinking and druging through out my active years. That ghost, the shadow following over me every day for the last 38 years is no longer. The power, the strangle it had on me and my recovery is now gone. The healing begins, my journey continues.
I was willing to do whatever necessary to stay clean and sober. But deep down inside there was a void, I was irritable and discontent, I was still living in fear. Something was missing. It wasn’t until step work I got in touch with my true feelings. I finally found the missing link that had been missing from my life.
A higher power of my understanding. The courage to surrender my will over to a Power greater than myself. After doing so, the journey of self-discovery, enlightenment, awareness, and spiritual growth commenced. With this new found discovery of feelings and enlightment I was able to sit down and take action - like making amends to those I hurt and hurt me. Working the steps the fear, pain, sadness. anger, gult, shame, resentment and regrets were lifted from that deep dark hole that kept me from living a fulfilling life. That hole is now filled with serenity, clarity, love, personal growth and self-improvement.
I like many, I thought that clean/sober time equaled recovery. Today, I understand completely that recovery cannot exist without abstinence. However, it took a relapse after being abstinence for twelve years, and 3 years of active alcoholism and addiction for me to understand that before my relapse I was not in recovery simply because I was no longer doing alcohol or drugs.
.
Today, me and my first love are the best friends, what a gift.
TB
Yes it is ironic. Every time I relapes was because of relationship issues. All my relationship was doomed from the beginning. It wasn't until I did the step work and with the guidince of my sponcer the truth was uncovered.
We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past. In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old relationships prove very willing to let go of their bitterness.
I been holding on to a resentment and regret for the last 38 years. I found that person on Facebook and I made my amends. I apologize for my wrong doing and my apology was accepted....And that person apologize for there wrong doing and there apology was accepted....She was my first love at seventeen. I am finally free of that resentment, anger and regret…The one that kept me drinking and druging through out my active years. That ghost, the shadow following over me every day for the last 38 years is no longer. The power, the strangle it had on me and my recovery is now gone. The healing begins, my journey continues.
I was willing to do whatever necessary to stay clean and sober. But deep down inside there was a void, I was irritable and discontent, I was still living in fear. Something was missing. It wasn’t until step work I got in touch with my true feelings. I finally found the missing link that had been missing from my life.
A higher power of my understanding. The courage to surrender my will over to a Power greater than myself. After doing so, the journey of self-discovery, enlightenment, awareness, and spiritual growth commenced. With this new found discovery of feelings and enlightment I was able to sit down and take action - like making amends to those I hurt and hurt me. Working the steps the fear, pain, sadness. anger, gult, shame, resentment and regrets were lifted from that deep dark hole that kept me from living a fulfilling life. That hole is now filled with serenity, clarity, love, personal growth and self-improvement.
I like many, I thought that clean/sober time equaled recovery. Today, I understand completely that recovery cannot exist without abstinence. However, it took a relapse after being abstinence for twelve years, and 3 years of active alcoholism and addiction for me to understand that before my relapse I was not in recovery simply because I was no longer doing alcohol or drugs.
.
Today, me and my first love are the best friends, what a gift.
TB
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Timebuster
A higher power of my understanding. The courage to surrender my will over to a Power greater than myself. After doing so, the journey of self-discovery, enlightenment, awareness, and spiritual growth commenced. With this new found discovery of feelings and enlightment I was able to sit down and take action - like making amends to those I hurt and hurt me. Working the steps the fear, pain, sadness. anger, gult, shame, resentment and regrets were lifted from that deep dark hole that kept me from living a fulfilling life. That hole is now filled with serenity, clarity, love, personal growth and self-improvement.
I like many, I thought that clean/sober time equaled recovery. Today, I understand completely that recovery cannot exist without abstinence. However, it took a relapse after being abstinence for twelve years, and 3 years of active alcoholism and addiction for me to understand that before my relapse I was not in recovery simply because I was no longer doing alcohol or drugs.
TB
RR
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Thanks LaFemme for starting a very thoughtful thread!
Maybe some of the negative reactions are not all that off base, because it is a rather rough and blunt term.
It is my understanding that it does have it's origins in the room of AA: I really can't think of where else it would originate.
I would have to agree with others here: I am comfortable describing myself as a dry drunk, (and I was), but I don't think it is appropriate to use it to describe someone else. It becomes instantly judgemental when used to describe another person.
I am fairly sure it evolved in the rooms of AA to describe someone who has quit drinking but has not worked the 12 steps of AA which are designed to guide the recovering alcoholic through a process of spiritual (not religious) growth and self-development. I think that thinking originated with the awareness that people can quit drinking and remain miserable as they were when they drank.
As a member of AA, I do think that in my particular case I need the spiritual growth process and all encompassing self-development (not just staying away from alcohol) that AA provides. But that's just me.
It's clear from reading some of the posts on this thread that people can make that journey of self improvement or self-awareness, or however you want to describe it, without AA.
Maybe some of the negative reactions are not all that off base, because it is a rather rough and blunt term.
It is my understanding that it does have it's origins in the room of AA: I really can't think of where else it would originate.
I would have to agree with others here: I am comfortable describing myself as a dry drunk, (and I was), but I don't think it is appropriate to use it to describe someone else. It becomes instantly judgemental when used to describe another person.
I am fairly sure it evolved in the rooms of AA to describe someone who has quit drinking but has not worked the 12 steps of AA which are designed to guide the recovering alcoholic through a process of spiritual (not religious) growth and self-development. I think that thinking originated with the awareness that people can quit drinking and remain miserable as they were when they drank.
As a member of AA, I do think that in my particular case I need the spiritual growth process and all encompassing self-development (not just staying away from alcohol) that AA provides. But that's just me.
It's clear from reading some of the posts on this thread that people can make that journey of self improvement or self-awareness, or however you want to describe it, without AA.
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