ultravioletlt

..I'm not sure how to respond to him. I'm furious but I really want to put this out there to get some clarity about all of this first before I say or do something I might regret.

I am new to Al Anon..so I haven't really figured out myself in all of this yet. I just need some help at this moment. How should I react? Just accept it calmly and go about our evening as if nothing is different? Tell him how disappointed I am? Scream at him?

Please don't just tell me to "keep going to al anon". I need help now! I just need some guidance in how I should respond to someone who is clearly very deep in his addiction.

Thanks in advance.

Not that it matters but he is a very gentle soul and there is no abuse or anything like that. He just keeps apologizing to me for what he is choosing to do.

I'm really confused.

LaFemme

I'm so sorry, this is so sad for you and him as well. I'm no expert, but I know that when I was drinking I was in no position to discuss my drinking and if someone had tried to talk to me while I was drinking it would have made me drink more. So my inexpert advice would be to wait until morning and try and have a discussion with him.

How long was he in Rehab? Was it his first time?

Dee74

Hi Ultravioletlt
Welcome.

I'm never been in your situation.

I'm not sure there is a right way to react - I certainly know that there's no special way to react to somehow make him stop.

As an alcoholic myself I know how single minded the condition can make us. I'm sorry.

La Femme's suggestion about talking to him tomorrow is as good as any I can think of.

Have you got anyone to talk to there?

Have you looked in our Family and Friends forums as well? I know you'll find a lot of support and encouragement both here and there

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

LaFemme

Is your husband getting any therapy to follow up his rehab?

Does your husband come here? I'm not asking who he is (don't want to know) but he might find this forum useful. And the thing that's nice about this instead of say an AA meeting is that there is almost always someone around.

Plus, at least to me, it seems a lot more open minded and accepting then an AA program. It might at least be a good place for him to visit.

firestorm090

I'm truly sorry for your distress and have no definitive answers, but I too drank shortly after I got out of rehab and it puzzled everyone concerned, especially myself. I thought about it long and hard after I did it and realised I still wanted a drink, even after all the devastation it caused everyone and myself. I wanted the old "ease" back, but it didn't happen, instead I thought I must be totally bonkers, which I was, because I was in between reality and fantasy in my mind, the reality was I couldn't drink without negative consequences and the fantasy was that "this time would be different". It never was.

Detachment is difficult, but that's what helped me the most, because once all my family and friends had distanced themselves from me, I really had to take an honest hard look at who I was, what I was doing, and how it affected the lives that came in contact with mine, as well as the damage to my own life. What I saw during this intense introspection disturbed me greatly and was the catalyst for my decision to get sober for myself, not for anyone else, because there was no one left around me who liked me when I drank.

Regardless of what others think of this, I like the statement that alcoholics/problem drinkers are not bad people, but are instead sick people who need help to get well. (not vebatim) I was truly sick inside, sick in my mind, heart and soul, and each day I don't drink, I heal a little. I hope this experience your husband is presently going through helps him reach that point where we truly question just what we're really doing to ourselves and our loved ones. For me, that's where recovery really began, and I reached it after leaving the treatment facility.

I hope this helps a little.

Supercrew

Although I have never been to a rehab, I know at the apex of my drunk time at the end my wife gave me a serious ultimatim that she was leaving if I didn't clean up my act....yet she had said this a few times over the past 10 years. She did tell me when I was drunk, and I made a comment like, "don't make promises you can't keep". But when I sobered up and was going through my withdrawals I made the decision that I was quitting for good. Yes the ultimatim played a part in my decision, but the decision had to be mine. If I still wanted to drink, I would still be drinking now, and no one not even my wife would tell me that I couldn't drink anymore....I had to tell myself. Until he makes the decision to stop, and he can, you will not be able to keep him from it. I am truly sorry to hear about your predicament.

cissybug

i am sure that was hard to share and has to be really hard emotionaly....i know for me i went to rehab before and am going again this week...... ok i went to rehab back in 2008 yes i was sick of being sick...BUT i went for everyone but me...for my kids....boyfriend....mom...ect ect
why because i loved them all with all my heart and wanted sooo badly to stop hurting all of them..... but as i search now.. iam finding i was not there at all for me.....i relapsed.... and now am working on getting into another rehab...but this time because i have had enough of this... and want my life back..... well not sure i want mylife back....cause truth is i am not even sure who i am.... i want life... and to discover who i am.... so i can be happy and live life to the fullist with out the use of the pills ( my choice was pain pills)
that could mean nothing at all to you.....but maybe it does
not sure about your sitiuation...but for myself...it had to take me wanting it...not just my loved ones..... sucks cause they deserved it badly...but until now...(that i want it sooo badly) it was never going to work for me that is.....
and i did not even no that till i really wanted it myself
i wish you and your husband all the best and hope this works out....
Jen

suki44883

Unfortunately, this happens quite often. He's simply not done. Screaming won't do any good and will just give him another excuse to drink.

We cannot tell you what to do. Only you know when you have had enough. If you feel like talking with him about it when he is sober, then go ahead. Don't expect it to make much, if any difference, though. He, just like you, won't be done until he is done.

least

Please do check out Dee's link. There's lots of support and good info there.

My kids begged me to stop drinking but I couldn't/didn't stop until I wanted to stop. I'm sorry your husband has gone right back to drinking. Please take care of yourself the best you can.

Anna

I agree with what has been said here.

There is no simple answer as to what you could/should do. And, really, though you don't want to hear it, continuing with AlAnon is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I hope that your husband decides to stop drinking.

keithj

Yes, this is the problem.

The best guidance I can give is to treat this like a sponsor would. I've seen guys drink on the bus ride home from rehab. I picked up a guy coming home from rehab last year drunk in the airport bar.

The one big difference between you and a sponsor who sees the same thing all the time, is emotional detachment.

This guy's actions affect you, hurt you, betray you, dominate you, and all around drive you crazy. You can't control what he does. You can't control the outcome. All that does is harm yourself.

You can get that same detachment by working the 12 Steps in Al-Anon. you can get to a place where you are OK, content and happy, with or without his drinking and with or without him.

And when a person changes like that, their perception changes. And the actions of other people no longer dominates them.

midnightrun

From the very little I know about recovery, I would say that no matter what the outcome of his drinking (i.e stops or continues) there must be a consequence for his actions.

Whatever they may be , big or small. Without a consequence, there will be no reason on earth for him to stop. And the one thing I was taught in treatment was that there are consequences for my actions and I would imagine that this is a universal message.

Sorry if I come across as cold-hearted, because the exact opposite is true

SereniTee

Don't talk to stupid drunk people when they are being stupid and drunk. That's coming from an alcoholic with 5 months sobriety.

I'm truely sorry for the pain that you are baing caused by your husband. Stay away from him when he is drinking it's toxic and will suck every inch of your spirit from you. Giving him attention is just fuelling his self-obsessed and egotistical sickness. Talk to him when he is sober, even if it's when he is massively hungover and between drunks, if that's the only time he is even remotely lucid, then you'll have to go for it. That's the best time to get sense from people like us when we're active.

I hope things get better for you

Opivotal

Sorry to hear of your conflict. I am also one of those gentle souls. IMO he feels very bad, disappointed, and feels like a failure right out of rehab. I wouldn't yell or scream at him. I would sit down as calmly as possible and make suggestions as to how he can get hold of himself. I agree with everyone else. He has to want it himself!

I know you must be frustrated but all you can do at this point is get help for yourself. If he wants your help he has to ask for it. I know he must be sorry for the relapse. He just can't find his way out right now. Show him your love and give him the consequences if he doesn't stop. My best advice.
Best Wishes to you!

smacked

The only thing you can control is whether or not you want to be with an active alcoholic.