least

I am in tears right now over a big argument with ck (college kid) who is home for the summer and who has been such a b!tch to me it's unreal, and totally unlike her. Our argument today was over - what else? - money. She's mad cause she has to pay for some of her college expenses with money she'd saved to get a car. Well, sorry 'bout that kiddo, but that's life. I'm sick of being the target of her anger/frustration/irritability. She won't tell me what's bothering her until it comes to a boil and then she b!tches me out over my faults and shortcomings, even dragging up her childhood as being 'horrible' - this coming out of left field as she'd never said this before.

So while I was being yelled at and criticized I had, for a spilt second, the urge to get drunk/obliterated, to just forget all this crap and not feel anything. Of course I won't, I value my sobriety too much to blow it over an ungrateful selfish self centered kid, but it came out of nowhere. Took me by surprise. I thought I was done with all that.

Despite my New Sober Outlook on life, this attack from her really destroyed (at least for a while) my already and always fragile self esteem. And my kids know how to puncture that anyway, they've always been good at that. I'm trying to relax and let this go. Chalk it up to her immaturity and fear and worry. But she made some accusations I cannot let go because they were below the belt and unacceptable for what I will tolerate from one of my kids.

I am no one's punching bag! Instead of enjoying our summer visit I find myself walking on eggs so as not to 'disturb' her... which is total BS. I will be glad when she goes back to school in a month so I can have my life back without (outside) accusations and criticism. I'm perfectly capable of beating myself up and don't need anyone else to do it for me. I'm very used to doing that all by myself...


So after this verbal vomiting, I guess my message is this: the idea of numbing myself with alcohol is waiting just below the surface and I must be ready to deal with it in a constructive and sober manner else it will destroy this good life* I'm building for myself.

To all you newcomers, be ready for anything to 'rock your boat' so you don't capsize from the tidal wave of whatever hits you.


* yeah, right...

Supercrew

Don't take it personal, kids will try to hit you where it hurts when they feel you might cave. She isn't thinking about how this might affect your sobriety, or even that it is really hurting you, she is trying to get more money out of you, and she will say or do anything to accomplish this goal. Young adults are still immature when it comes to communication, and when it comes to negotiating to get what they want, so they figure that if they can hurt you mentally you might give in to them. Been there done that, on both sides of the ball....(I have a 22 year old stepson, and was a greedy young adult who felt I was owed something). I normally try to avoid confrontations, stay calm and stand my ground. I will help my kid with ideas that might find a resolution, but I cut off negotiations when I start receiving verbal attacks. Then they realize that I am a very strong adult that really holds all the cards, and they have to act like an adult if they really want to find help with their problem. Otherwise I will grab my walking shoes and take the dog for a walk.

If I were to drink in that situation, that would only ask for a larger conflict at a later time to occur. You can get past it!!

Dee74

least,

I mean no offense by this question, but why do you allow the kids to come home in the holidays if it's always so fraught like this?

They're your kids sure, but in the last 3 years it always seems like a battlefield to me.

I bet if you let ck find her own holiday lodgings she'd soon realise how good she gets it at your place.

I'm glad you didn't drink.

D

Hevyn

It was a triumph that you didn't drink. I think you've learned, as I finally have, nothing will be made better by numbing ourselves. We may go to oblivion for a few hours, then when we resurface we're devastated by how we've set ourselves back. We still have the misery we tried to forget, along with a hangover, guilt, and (my personal favorite) remorse.

Another step forward on your journey, Least. Glad you came here to tell us about it.

TuffNut

Hi least,

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to drink, so I can relate to what you're feeling. Just wanted to say my thoughts are with you.


Tuffy

least

No offense taken! It's really hard dealing with this as ck has always been my rock, my empathetic understanding kid, and this year it's like a psychotic stranger has taken her place.

I guess the signs of her immaturity and selfishness were always there, but I didn't 'see' them, didn't want to see them? I dunno... I've always been (except for my short-but-brilliant drinking career) the parent she could confide in who understood her emotions. I know for a fact she's depressed as hell, maybe even bipolar, but can't bring it up with her cause she'd react with anger, as if I were accusing her of something bad... as if it were a character defect...

Ck was always the one to defend me, like when her dad was badmouthing me (and her two sisters joined in..) but now it seems like she's so upset and frustrated that she has to take it out on something so I'm the 'whipping boy'... I love her and always will but don't know how to let her know that I'm NOT her whipping boy. I'd recommend counseling at her college but she'd take that as an insult, as a slight to her, as an accusation, as a way to tell her she's 'bad'... She's one of those highly sensitive persons, always has been, but it seems she's losing her way, emotionally, and is afraid of feeling so 'lost'...

She's very like her dad - the only emotion he's familiar with is anger! All the rest are 'sissy' things that only sissies feel or, worse yet, admit to feeling.

I will discuss this with my counselor next week and ask for suggestions.


I WILL NOT drink over this... but I did get a pack of cigs...

Mark75

This is an opportunity for growth. Yours, by demanding an apology, hers by offering one... who knows, both may happen

Well, I can't give advice, I am not there, in your shoes... but I was wondering, if you respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself... by demanding an apology, or something along that line... she'll have to consider that, and maybe show you some respect. ???

My two cents...

Mark

Balou

You may want to look deeper into the fight as well. Maybe she has something going on her life that she hasn't told you. Kids often hide serious problems from their parents. It could be eating her up inside. Afterall, she is your daughter, and addiction runs in the family. I wonder if you could agree to have a one on one conversation with her, in which you both agree not to argue or insult one another. Don't shut her out, she just needs some growing up to do. Good Luck and I hope it works out for the two of you. Great job staying strong and not drinking, it is an inspiration.

vegibean

Least, just keep venting if you need to. I commend you, I wish I would do it here when I NEEDED to and not after the fact. Better to let it out to a bunch of people who at least understand the struggling part of not picking up. Yeah, if I were you, I'd be off my rocker as well. It's unfortunate (and as I recall thought the same things too as a child), children just don't get it and I think unfortunately, like many of us, we have to hit a few brick walls to knock some sense into us. Kind of like, "oh, now I get what my parents were trying to tell me for so many years." Hang in there girl, you're so worth it, and the venom she through at you IS NOT!!!!

And BTW, I regularly use "head vomit, mental vomit" to describe my venting too, love it!!

Feel better Honey, we love you!!

MTWildflower

****{least}}}

Fandy

****{Least}}} you are a stronger woman than I am....i would have packed her clothes and dialed up the Daddy to come and take her for the next month...then i would have drank fershure.

my daughter once stood outside my front door and screamed for a 1/2 hour because I wouldn't let her in (because she was screaming and cursing and generally being disrespectful)....I wouldn't take her phone calls either...when you are in MY HOUSE, you are polite and respectful or you ain't in the door.

on the other side of the fence...i *can* understand her frustration at saving for a car and not being able to afford both it and school....maybe you and she can sit down when you are both calm and try to figure out a feasible plan for the future of the car....(maybe she can ask her father to pay for school or insurance)?

the main thing is to remain calm and try to discuss it so there is no personal animosity and mud slinging...the kids will bite you in the jugular, but then be amazed and baffled when you bleed to death.

breathe, walk the dog and ration the ciggies for the next round.

Fandy

Least, Sammy says he will come over and bite ck's toes if you want him to.

Anna

Least, I am glad that you didn't drink over this.

Maybe you can use the opportunity you have this summer, to try to connect with your daughter and see if she will open up to you about what is wrong. If it doesn't work, at least you will know that you tried and she will know that you are there for her.

I hope you find some peace.

Kmber2010

(((HUGGS))) Least. Lots of good stuff here and no matter what you must never lose sight of you and your sobriety. Hard stuff as I can relate from the flipside with my Dad but somethings you just gotta put your foot down on.

Sending you good vibes Least.

CarolD

Sorry this happened....

Perhaps the 2 of you could check out what her
school has for financial assistance.

There are often little known grants available.
My Grandson Steven got one for Grad School
because he was an Eagle Scout
The masonic Lodge gives them to members
wanting to go to law school.

Ok...t those won't fit for a daughter....but.....???

You could both do some research on line.

Remember our mantra....
I had to want to be sober
more than I wanted to drink

LovesToTravel

Were you easier to get along with when you were drinking? School is probably only about 3 weeks away...I am sure that you can do it...hang in there..you are doing great.
:ghug3

NEOMARXIST

Least thank you for posting!! I mean that in the best possible sense. You are doing what you have to do to keep sober, you will grow in strength as a result of getting this all out of your system and not picking up a drink. As you know a drink will solve nothing but I already know that you know that and drinking isn't really the issue per se I suspect. Rather the fact that you recognise the mindset of feeling like just getting totally obliterated and numbing out and dropping out from life so to speak, thus a drink comes to mind, you're an alcoholic afterall.

It gives me strength to know that there are totally honest people out there who will post their feelings exactly as they are and not worry about the stigma almost attached by some that shirk at the notion that a recovering alcoholic can again have the thought of drinking crop up again. Thankfully SR is a fantastic site and people just like you helped me stay sober when I went through tough patches and thoughts of drinking cropped back up. I remember how full of sheer panic and anxiety I was when my mind was racing and thoughts of just getting wasted were cropping up. But I got it all out on SR and made sure I posted despite the inevitable posts that I expected to do with nothing constructive apart from the usual spirit awakening rhetoric.

I think you really help many by your post here Least, you certainly help me. Because it's easy for people who are in recovery to not wish to admit when they have thoughts of wishing to get blasted rise to the surface. For fear that it will make their 'recovery' seem less.

Anyway I am going off track. Least thank you for posting and nice one for doing what any recovering alcoholic has to do and not picking up that first drink 'just for today'. I am sure you will grow immensely in strength as a result of this. Also this post helps me more than you will know as it helps reafirm to me that there are real genuine, honest people out there in recovery who aren't afraid to post exactly where they are at. I know I had to do that when I was struggling and it comforts me to know SR is there for me.

I guess it's time for me to take some time out from AA. My balance has been knocked off. I have been here before. At least I know the cause now though.

Peace and Love xxxxx

Balou

and don't forget to tell her, "I love you"

Wilde10

Have not been in your shoes as a mother but probably yes as a daughter... being the naughty daughter with words/ the nice one with actions...

I agree with Balou that rage and crossing unacceptable borders is normally a manifestation of a problem. I do not agree is for you to find out trying a serious conversation at this point. Once you both calm down you can offer to speak about it. It feels you have too much resentment against the words of your daughter to do this right now. You may want to let it go for a while and focus on how to look at a good financial plan as Anna has suggested

Show her you have respect for her if you want to get respect back. Do not sulck around the house full of resentment wishing her to be gone. You are also saying quite strong words... when we are angry we say the wrong things- We lash out. It is a very adult thing to try to control our emotions.

Let it go for a while, calm down, find your space, and if you feel you cannot feel positive towards your child postpone the conversation for a while. If she tries, tell her with the best face and mood you can, you are not ready yet.

She tried the fastest route she knew to get the money/punish you from not getting it. Well done on non reacting with your own fastest route...

Wilde10

Neomarxist,
You sound 'down'...
I guess you know yourself enough by now... Be good to yourself