kittymammas

I am new here, and I think i should have been a member years ago. My husband is an alcoholic. He has ruined our life to the point where I can't stand him when he drinks no matter what he says or does I'm always waiting for the anger and hatred...and it always comes. I have tried to threaten him that I would leave and never look back if he continued to drink but I stayed because I knew he needed me if he decided to quit. Now I am at the breaking point, I have tried everything I can think of to help him but he doesn't want to quit. I am leaving him now and I still have some small shimmer of hope that maybe he will hit his rock bottom and realize what drinking does to him and eventually really seek some help or find he does wanna stop. Its just hard for me to watch him suffer and I have never been addicted to anything and I don't understand how you can want something so bad that you don't care what it does to you. I wanna understand and I wanna help him and it breaks my heart cause I want my family and I want my kids to grow up with their daddy. I just don't know what to do. I can't help him if he doesn't want to quit.

Mark75

That's true. Take care of yourself now, maybe he can recover, maybe not... but you can.

Try our Friends and Family section also!

Mark

least

I'd recommend AlAnon for you, to learn how to cope with such a mess and how to do what's best for you and your kids. You're right about not being able to help him unless he wants help.

Take a look at our Friends and Families of Alcoholic forum. Lots of support and good info there.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR!

Anna

Yes, I hope you find some support here and at AlAnon.

Prayers for your husband that he will find his way to recovery.

Mel8899

Kitty, so sorry for your pain!! You do not say how old your kids are, but I grew up with an alcoholic father until he left us. I wish he had left sooner. My father drank and functioned, but there was no outward affection from either parent. My mom gave up and turned to prescription drugs for all her health issues and retreated to her bedroom. To us it was a normal middle class household.

When I was 17 he left my mom and well lets just say he is now on marriage 3.
He still thinks he is a doting father. About 5 years ago he collapsed into an alcoholic stupor and although he pulled through and still is sober, it was a horrible situation. He did not reach his bottom until 70.

My mother never got a life of her own and lives through her 4 children and grandchildren. Her health problems are going downhill fast and yet she will refuse to acknowledge that, she is addicted to pills and simpathy. I am faced with having to move in with her due to financial issues, but cannot do it without relapsing myself.

Sorry for going on, having a crisis myself today. My main point is that your children are so lucky to have you and the fact that you are not addicted to anything. Take care of them at all costs. They are better off with a loving sober single parent than their Daddy. They will thank you in the end for not allowing all that anger to be part of their daily lives.

Live

Hi, welcome!
Hope you will visit us over in family and friends. Alcoholism is called a family disease because it doesn't just effect the alcoholic and make them sick, it messes up everyone in the family. Your heartache, pain and frustration come through loud and clear!
There is hope and you and your kids can be happy!

DayTrader

Threats didn't even begin to phase me. I didn't think she'd leave and, being honest, I didn't really care much for her anyway (so I told myself).

Whether you leave or not would have had little to no impact on me and my decision to continue drinking. I know it seems like it should, but a true alcoholic knows (and rightly so) that the drinking isn't REALLY the problem. Sure, it creates some problems but it's not the main source. It's a secondary source. Quitting will alleviate the secondary problems but it won't do anything for the main taproot of pain and discomfort.

To the drinker, SOME alcohol is necessary to treat the true issues. That the drinking gets out of hand (routinely) is really secondary. If only he/I (the drinker) could get a grip on the REAL problems, he/I wouldn't "have" or "need" to drink. Only problem is.....without recovery..... he and I had no idea there WAS a main source of problems and even if we know something's got to be there, we don't know where to look nor do we know what to do about it.

I'm always saddened to hear about divorce. It was probably THE most traumatic experience of my entire life.......alcoholism included. I would hiiiiiiiiiighly encourage a good strong 12-step based Alanon meeting. I's also hiiiighly encourage you pick up a copy of the Alcoholics Anonymous book. You can find them at Borders, Amazon or just about any book store OR......for a whole lot less money probably....pick one up at that Alanon meeting I suggested. Gaining some insight into what alcoholism is will serve you well - especially if you decide to hang in there.

And it's absolutely true that you can't MAKE him quit. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, right? Right! You can, however do whatever you can to make that horse thirsty. Give it some thought.

kittymammas

Thank you all for your support and my children are young 5 and 3 and his last relapse they were so afraid of him they were hiding behind the bed. When my 5 year old came home from daycare with a picture full of hearts and rainbows and asked me to give to daddy so he can be happy it broke my heart. I realized that I need to get me and my kids out. I am fortunate to have great friends and a good paying job so financially being on my own isn't going to be the hard part. The hard part is watching my loving husband suffer and hate himself, listening to my kids ask where is daddy and of course the hardest part is losing the man I thought Id be with for the rest of my life. I will always be afraid of him going off and drinking and ending up dead on the side of the road..but I have to leave, I cannot put mu kids through this, I cannot let myself die inside and I cannot keep trying to fix what I can't.
I am looking for an al anon for families in my small town because mentally this is going to kill me.

Live

As a Mom your first responsibility is to the kids, I am so sorry to hear things have reached this point. It is so very sad for everyone.
I hope you find an al-anon!
You might order the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty....in the families and friends that is usually the one recommended.

artsoul

I feel for you kittymammas. You're right that you need to protect your children and your sanity. Take some deep breaths and think everything through. In other words, if you've decided you should leave, take some time to do this: start planning and looking into alternative living arrangements, money issues, how to talk to the kids, etc, so that there's as little chaos as possible.

Your husband may or may not get better, but you have to go on what is happening NOW, which is an unacceptable situation.

Definitely get all the support you can and consider counseling for yourself, too.

bcboy

Just reading that brings tears to my eyes...

My kids were the reason why I put everything down for good. Knowing that I had the power to destroy them and ruin the short time when childhood IS full of hearts and rainbows was enough to scare me straight and make it stick for the long haul.

Good on you for making your children #1

kittymammas

Well there is no Al anon in my town. I will check out the book that has been recommended though. I have already found a place to stay. My girls and I just have to endure this life for another 2 weeks until my new apt is move in ready. I hope I am making the right choice, I feel like I am failing my marriage and my husband because I am supposed to support and help him. But when i write down my pros and cons and under the cons I see that I am going to hurt my children in the long run if I stay, I know I have made the hardest but the right choice. Thank you all for being so supportive, it helps so much.

Live

Since you can't get to al-anon, as an alternative, I would then recommend reading the "stickies" at the tops of the families and friends forums.
You will also receive tons of support there from many who have been in very similar situations.
best wishes to you and those precious girls!
It may not seem like it now, but this is doing the right thing by your husband.

kittymammas

Yes it does not feel like I am doing right by my husband. I feel like I am leaving him alone in the dark with no one to turn to. But I know somewhere in that dusty part of me that I have to do this.

suki44883

Kittymammas, your husband is an adult. It's not like leaving a little child on the side of the road somewhere. He is perfectly capable of getting help for his problems if he wants help. As you said, you cannot help someone if they won't help themselves. Neither can you allow yourself or your children to be dragged down with him. He has the right to drink or whatever he wants, but you also have the right to make a healthy life for you and your children.

Mel8899

Nothing changes if nothing changes! Good luck, protect your children and by doing this now you may be able to help your husband later. If not, some distance and peace will help you see things more clearly.

artsoul

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. It takes alot of courage to do what you're doing, and it's only natural that you're going to have these feelings even when you know you're making the right choice.

Do you have the support of family or friends? I just wanted to send my thoughts and prayers your way..... look at this as a positive move for everyone involved, even your husband. He needs to realize that the ball is in his court now. Hang in there......