14 days today - I've been trying for 11 years
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
14 days today - I've been trying for 11 years
14 days clean and sober today. It feels good, but that is the part that scares me. When I start feeling good, the "black dog" starts talking to me, telling me that this detox wasn't so bad and that "we" can get through another one.
The detoxes are pure Hell and the spiritual and emotional lows I feel are worse than anything I have ever felt, yet I go back time and time again.
I am not going to meetings yet, but I am reading posts on this site daily.
I got to keep my job and my house (I still don't know how that happened), so I am trying very hard to stay on top of that "black dog". I hear if I feed the "white dog" more then it will be more powerful. So coming to this site is me feeding my "white dog".
Thank you all for being here.
Teri
The detoxes are pure Hell and the spiritual and emotional lows I feel are worse than anything I have ever felt, yet I go back time and time again.
I am not going to meetings yet, but I am reading posts on this site daily.
I got to keep my job and my house (I still don't know how that happened), so I am trying very hard to stay on top of that "black dog". I hear if I feed the "white dog" more then it will be more powerful. So coming to this site is me feeding my "white dog".
Thank you all for being here.
Teri
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Louisville, Ky.
Posts: 58
Congratulations on 2 weeks!!!
I've never had to detox but I know what you're saying about feeling good. I think it's usually when I'm feeling good that I relapse. I wish there were a magic potion that I could take one sip of and feel that massive hangover for about 2 minutes. Maybe that would keep me from starting back.
I've never had to detox but I know what you're saying about feeling good. I think it's usually when I'm feeling good that I relapse. I wish there were a magic potion that I could take one sip of and feel that massive hangover for about 2 minutes. Maybe that would keep me from starting back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Congratulations and welcome, Teri!
I posted this on another thread about cravings, what our bodies go through, how long cravings last, etc. Hope it helps!
"Since alcohol is a powerfully addictive drug that is toxic, your body had to make some physical changes to keep you from being poisoned. Your body's chemistry, especially that of your liver, had to change to keep you alive while you were drinking.
However, once your body chemistry changed to accommodate the presence of alcohol, it cannot be un-changed. This is why you are experiencing physical cravings for alcohol; your body wants it back!
These cravings are most intense in the first six months of abstinence from alcohol. Thus, this is when most relapses occur. Here's how you can beat alcohol cravings today, right now:
Cravings occur on a Bell curve: they start out mild, grow in intensity until they peak, and then gradually they return to the "baseline" of no cravings.
When you feel a craving begin, now you know what's going to happen - you're ahead of the game right there!
As your craving peaks in about 30 minutes, do something else. Anything; exercise, go to your recovery group's web site and talk through your craving, call a friend, read your email, go to a movie, read a book, watch TV, just get your mind onto something else.
The craving will begin to recede slowly, and soon it will be gone altogether. This process takes about an hour. Keep telling yourself "I won't give in. This is going to pass." And it will! Your self-confidence will be raised significantly as you enjoy this success.
>>The psychological aspect behind cravings: It is the habit and routine that you built around alcohol use that is causing the craving. The obvious solution to this type of craving is to make a new routine that does not involve drinking.
The fancy psychological term for this process is that first you must use "pattern interruption," which simply means that you stop drinking.
However, you must have another behavior to do instead of drinking; this is called "pattern development.
You can't just leave a big hole in your life without filling it with something else; this is a sure-fire relapse trigger."
I posted this on another thread about cravings, what our bodies go through, how long cravings last, etc. Hope it helps!
"Since alcohol is a powerfully addictive drug that is toxic, your body had to make some physical changes to keep you from being poisoned. Your body's chemistry, especially that of your liver, had to change to keep you alive while you were drinking.
However, once your body chemistry changed to accommodate the presence of alcohol, it cannot be un-changed. This is why you are experiencing physical cravings for alcohol; your body wants it back!
These cravings are most intense in the first six months of abstinence from alcohol. Thus, this is when most relapses occur. Here's how you can beat alcohol cravings today, right now:
Cravings occur on a Bell curve: they start out mild, grow in intensity until they peak, and then gradually they return to the "baseline" of no cravings.
When you feel a craving begin, now you know what's going to happen - you're ahead of the game right there!
As your craving peaks in about 30 minutes, do something else. Anything; exercise, go to your recovery group's web site and talk through your craving, call a friend, read your email, go to a movie, read a book, watch TV, just get your mind onto something else.
The craving will begin to recede slowly, and soon it will be gone altogether. This process takes about an hour. Keep telling yourself "I won't give in. This is going to pass." And it will! Your self-confidence will be raised significantly as you enjoy this success.
>>The psychological aspect behind cravings: It is the habit and routine that you built around alcohol use that is causing the craving. The obvious solution to this type of craving is to make a new routine that does not involve drinking.
The fancy psychological term for this process is that first you must use "pattern interruption," which simply means that you stop drinking.
However, you must have another behavior to do instead of drinking; this is called "pattern development.
You can't just leave a big hole in your life without filling it with something else; this is a sure-fire relapse trigger."
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi teri
I was in the cycle for 15-20 years too - I found coming here, posting about it and reading other peoples posts helped me challenge the 'feeling good' phase...it's a lot harder to minimise what happened last time if it's here in black and white text.
Welcome to SR
D
I was in the cycle for 15-20 years too - I found coming here, posting about it and reading other peoples posts helped me challenge the 'feeling good' phase...it's a lot harder to minimise what happened last time if it's here in black and white text.
Welcome to SR
D
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: San francisco,ca
Posts: 112
Nacona, I go through the same exact thing everytime I try to stay sober. Go through the detox, start to feel better, then for some stupid reason I think I can drink without starting another binge. For me the physical symptoms of withdrawl was something I could tollirate, but emotionaly it was getting worse. The last time I quit, I though I was going to have a nervous breakdown and end up in an insane asylum. I didn't want to drink anymore and I didn't want to try to quit anymore either, I just wanted to die. On day one I headed to a aa meeting and was just praying that I would get hit by a freight train on the way.
I'm on day 16 and hope I never have to go through that again. On bad days when the urges are strong, I try to focus on other things. I think what humble bee said was some really good stuff. I've never heard anyone break it down like that, but I wish I heard it a long time ago. Thanks humblebee, and hang in there teri, I know we both can do this.
Dune
I'm on day 16 and hope I never have to go through that again. On bad days when the urges are strong, I try to focus on other things. I think what humble bee said was some really good stuff. I've never heard anyone break it down like that, but I wish I heard it a long time ago. Thanks humblebee, and hang in there teri, I know we both can do this.
Dune
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Thank you for the responses. It IS good to know what is happening when it's happening. I listed on my calendar the "flare-up" periods that someone on her posted and sure enough the flare-up periods happend like clockwork. BUT I was ready for them.
I am so so so tired of going round and round with this. I had 14 months clean and sober last year and it was an amazing time. I did all sorts of clean and sober activities that I never thought that I could do sober.
Then June 22nd, 2009 I relapsed after finding out that my sponsor (14 years) and boyfriend (3 years) got together and "shared".....she shared my 4th step with him and he shared private conversations I had with him about her.
It's been over a year now and I am struggling to get back.
I am mostly afraid of myself. Right now I can honestly say that tonight I will go home and go to bed and will not drink. Tomorrow?? I just can't tell ya. I just might drink/drug - I won't know until tomorrow.
I am so so so tired of going round and round with this. I had 14 months clean and sober last year and it was an amazing time. I did all sorts of clean and sober activities that I never thought that I could do sober.
Then June 22nd, 2009 I relapsed after finding out that my sponsor (14 years) and boyfriend (3 years) got together and "shared".....she shared my 4th step with him and he shared private conversations I had with him about her.
It's been over a year now and I am struggling to get back.
I am mostly afraid of myself. Right now I can honestly say that tonight I will go home and go to bed and will not drink. Tomorrow?? I just can't tell ya. I just might drink/drug - I won't know until tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 29
Going back time and again, no matter how bad the out come! This my friends in know as "the obsession of the mind". In 12 step work, this issue is first addressed in the 2nd step and the action thru step 10, will give us the beginning of being restored to sanity. 14 days is a solid start. Stay hungry for sobriety and keep in the pursuit of recovery! We can do it!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Congratulations on 2 weeks - that's a great start!
I know it's hard when you start feeling good again. It seems I was never satisfied with whatever I was feeling. If I was feeling good, it didn't matter because I always wanted to feel even better. These days, I try to bring to mind all the things I'm grateful for instead of focusing on what I don't have.
It also helps to read, read, read here at SR because it reminds me of where I'll be if I start up again. When people go back to drinking and then post on their experience, it's never "oh I've been having so much fun....!" It's always about more pain and suffering, and regret that they picked up another drink. So I try to remember that it won't be any different for me than it was for them.
Sometimes we just have to accept our lives as they are without alcohol and trust that the future will be brighter without it.
I know it's hard when you start feeling good again. It seems I was never satisfied with whatever I was feeling. If I was feeling good, it didn't matter because I always wanted to feel even better. These days, I try to bring to mind all the things I'm grateful for instead of focusing on what I don't have.
It also helps to read, read, read here at SR because it reminds me of where I'll be if I start up again. When people go back to drinking and then post on their experience, it's never "oh I've been having so much fun....!" It's always about more pain and suffering, and regret that they picked up another drink. So I try to remember that it won't be any different for me than it was for them.
Sometimes we just have to accept our lives as they are without alcohol and trust that the future will be brighter without it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: northern ireland
Posts: 83
yea thats what sets me off...when im feeling good and ready for anything....might have just one drink....but thats habit i think. once you break that habit i think it gets easier...im still trying to find out
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 180
Yay 4 U
Yippee on 14 days! I'm detoxing right now, and it is BAD, I would love to be where you are on 14 days. Detoxing is the WORST! Just make it through today, it's the only day you have to worry about right now. I am at make it through the hour right now, maybe even make it through the next 15 mins.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Oh Balou - I am so sorry. Detoxing is the absolute worst and it doesn't matter if I am alone, in a detox facility or surrounded by loved ones - I hate it, BUT I forget after while how bad it is and when I am feeling good physically/mentally/spiritually then I start that stinkin thinkin and want to try just one more time.
I am taking it one hour at a time at 15 days sober/clean....I do NOT trust myself. I have using/drinking/smoking dreams and I wake up jut KNOWING that I drank or used. When this happens I usually start drinking or using shortly after.
Hopefully talking about it will talke some of the power out of it and I won't use.
Thank you all for your posts - every bit of this site helps me so so much.
I'm at work right now and should get back to it, I guess.
Hang in there Balou - we can ALL do this.
Teri
I am taking it one hour at a time at 15 days sober/clean....I do NOT trust myself. I have using/drinking/smoking dreams and I wake up jut KNOWING that I drank or used. When this happens I usually start drinking or using shortly after.
Hopefully talking about it will talke some of the power out of it and I won't use.
Thank you all for your posts - every bit of this site helps me so so much.
I'm at work right now and should get back to it, I guess.
Hang in there Balou - we can ALL do this.
Teri
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 413
Good for you on 2 weeks! I am on day one and my black dog is laughing and rubbing my nose in it big time. I have to go thru physical withdrawal including insomnia, dry retching, anxiety and depression, shaking, paranoia, guilt, morbid thoughts, etc etc etc. Please copy and paste this, read it every time you are tempted to drink again, this is not cool and is a waste of a life. I so would love to be 2 weeks sober again, if only there were a way to bottle the experience of withdrawal and keep it for a rainy day when temptation returns. I swore many times in the past I would never drink again, but this time I induced the horrors thru a massive binge to make sure I never go back on it. Pain is the only way I will learn the lesson of abstinance
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
OMG Eddie - I felt it all as I was reading your post. I WILL copy that and read it regularly. Please just get through this one, so we can all get our one-year chip around the same time. I can absoultely feel what you are feeling right now and I am so sorry, but from what they say - we never have to do this agian.
Take care - Teri
Take care - Teri
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