you can't change people places and thing
Chuck D
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Chicago Il
Posts: 6
you can't change people places and thing
I understand that I can't change people, but I don't undersatnd why I can't change places and things. Please give an example for places and things. Thanks Chuck
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi Chuck and Welcome,
My understanding is that I can't control things that are outside of me. Therefore, I can't control other people or anything else in my life, but myself. I can control how I act and how I think and how I react to what happens around me.
My understanding is that I can't control things that are outside of me. Therefore, I can't control other people or anything else in my life, but myself. I can control how I act and how I think and how I react to what happens around me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Who says you can't change people places and things?
If I hadn't changed the people I used to hang around with and the places where I used to do the things I did with them...I might not be here today.
It's about removing ourselves from bad situations, not changing anyone else
D
If I hadn't changed the people I used to hang around with and the places where I used to do the things I did with them...I might not be here today.
It's about removing ourselves from bad situations, not changing anyone else
D
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Chuck.
Are you talking in terms of AA? To give you an idea here are some of the places and things which were on my resentment list at Step 4. All of which I wanted to change.
Traffic lights
The government
Taxes
Junk mail
Bills
The rising price of things!
Advert breaks on TV
Religion
My pets
The weather
The alarm clock
Just a few but I could go on and on. I actually learned that I was resentful at everyone and everything and it was recognising the insanity of this which helped me on to living a peaceful life despite all of those things which I couldn't change. As an alcoholic I had a constant repetative thought that if only this or that wasn't happening, then I would be happy. Of course, it was a delusion.
The 12 step program of AA is a solution to living a happy, sober life free from the obsession to drink and the angry, resentful, 'if only that was different I would be ok' attitude, which is so common with us alcoholics.
Are you talking in terms of AA? To give you an idea here are some of the places and things which were on my resentment list at Step 4. All of which I wanted to change.
Traffic lights
The government
Taxes
Junk mail
Bills
The rising price of things!
Advert breaks on TV
Religion
My pets
The weather
The alarm clock
Just a few but I could go on and on. I actually learned that I was resentful at everyone and everything and it was recognising the insanity of this which helped me on to living a peaceful life despite all of those things which I couldn't change. As an alcoholic I had a constant repetative thought that if only this or that wasn't happening, then I would be happy. Of course, it was a delusion.
The 12 step program of AA is a solution to living a happy, sober life free from the obsession to drink and the angry, resentful, 'if only that was different I would be ok' attitude, which is so common with us alcoholics.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
I had to change my people, places and things to stay sober. Of course you can't change how other people act but you can change how you react to them. By not reacting at all usually. Letting it ride. However you can certainly inspire other people in many ways. If they don't change then you can certainly make them think.
I don't see how you can't change places and things. Just don't go there or associate with them. Of course I could get deep and go really philosophical and intellectual but this is SR and also there really ain't no point. Also I can only use my own experience of recovery. I have just became more passive in my views and don't really get involved in things like I used to. Some would say sold out to a degree (That's what I would have said before) but it's more a case that I don't want to drive myself back into drink and drugs, that doesn't smash the system but rather just myself.
I guess people struggle with this stuff to differing levels hence why they really need a militant step program. For me I had to go my own way and do what worked for me. Most of my battles were all in my my own mind and to do with my myself.
I stopped looking too deeply and decided that I could actually make sure that I changed the people (i.e. stop mixing with f*ckheads), places and things to keep me sober 'just for today'. My recovery has happened organically so I certainly think totally differently now about myself, about others, about the world and life in generally but I would have to sit and deeply think about what I actually do differently as there is so much. Much courtesy of SR and the wonderful people here who supported and inspired me.
I don't see how you can't change places and things. Just don't go there or associate with them. Of course I could get deep and go really philosophical and intellectual but this is SR and also there really ain't no point. Also I can only use my own experience of recovery. I have just became more passive in my views and don't really get involved in things like I used to. Some would say sold out to a degree (That's what I would have said before) but it's more a case that I don't want to drive myself back into drink and drugs, that doesn't smash the system but rather just myself.
I guess people struggle with this stuff to differing levels hence why they really need a militant step program. For me I had to go my own way and do what worked for me. Most of my battles were all in my my own mind and to do with my myself.
I stopped looking too deeply and decided that I could actually make sure that I changed the people (i.e. stop mixing with f*ckheads), places and things to keep me sober 'just for today'. My recovery has happened organically so I certainly think totally differently now about myself, about others, about the world and life in generally but I would have to sit and deeply think about what I actually do differently as there is so much. Much courtesy of SR and the wonderful people here who supported and inspired me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 33
Early on I was told that just because I quit drinking, life was still going to happen and the key was how I handled it. That said, I learned that everything can be changed to some extent. But I also agree with what has been said so far - that "change" may involve eliminating or avoiding certain people, places, or things. It can be painful, but sobriety is totally worth it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hmmmmm
"You can't change people, places, and/or things."
Isn't it interesting how different people understand those words to mean. For instance............:
1) Does it mean that I cannot make people, places, and/or places change [as in their minds, or (as in an earlier thread) change a catholic church into preaching judaism, or I can't change an apple into an orange....]; or
2) Or does this simple statement mean that I cannot change, and that I am stuck in this environment (the same people, the same places, the same things).....
Well, obviously, the answer to the first is.......: Absolutely correct; I cannot make others (whether those others are people, places, or things) change.
However, in answer to the second.....? The answer to that would be.....: Absolutely incorrect. I can move, lose my old associates, forget about my old hang-outs.....etc......
Ah.....it's all in perception.....
(o:
NoelleR
Isn't it interesting how different people understand those words to mean. For instance............:
1) Does it mean that I cannot make people, places, and/or places change [as in their minds, or (as in an earlier thread) change a catholic church into preaching judaism, or I can't change an apple into an orange....]; or
2) Or does this simple statement mean that I cannot change, and that I am stuck in this environment (the same people, the same places, the same things).....
Well, obviously, the answer to the first is.......: Absolutely correct; I cannot make others (whether those others are people, places, or things) change.
However, in answer to the second.....? The answer to that would be.....: Absolutely incorrect. I can move, lose my old associates, forget about my old hang-outs.....etc......
Ah.....it's all in perception.....
(o:
NoelleR
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I hear that a lot at AA tables. It smacks of something that came out of a substance abuse counselor's mouth or from a treatment center.
I may not have the ultimate power to change your mind but I can, by my actions, virtually guarantee all of you will dislike me......or like me. I can change the city I live in by being a vandal or by cleaning up the streets. I can change just about every "thing" I can think of........ except my alcoholism.
To my knowledge, that saying isn't something that came from AA but rather something that came from outside the program that people who are more concerned with saying something at a table that sounds impressive than saying something of substance. My best guess is that it's perhaps an offshoot of the "powerless" part of the first step.
LOL... don't mean to offend anyone who regularly uses that phrase. If you do and would like to explain why and where you got it, I'd be interested to hear it.
I may not have the ultimate power to change your mind but I can, by my actions, virtually guarantee all of you will dislike me......or like me. I can change the city I live in by being a vandal or by cleaning up the streets. I can change just about every "thing" I can think of........ except my alcoholism.
To my knowledge, that saying isn't something that came from AA but rather something that came from outside the program that people who are more concerned with saying something at a table that sounds impressive than saying something of substance. My best guess is that it's perhaps an offshoot of the "powerless" part of the first step.
LOL... don't mean to offend anyone who regularly uses that phrase. If you do and would like to explain why and where you got it, I'd be interested to hear it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I always assumed it came from this:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
I suppose it isn't saying it's impossible to change those things, but rather that we should accept them. Some are, of course, impossible to change.
(BB 1st ed.)
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
I suppose it isn't saying it's impossible to change those things, but rather that we should accept them. Some are, of course, impossible to change.
(BB 1st ed.)
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I should add..... I'm/We're not necessarily powerlFUL in all the areas we think we are. I find many areas I think I can control.......that I really can't. For an egotistical and self centered alcoholic, it's probably better to temper the beliefs we have about how powerful we think we are.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
The only thing we can control is ourselves, our actions and our responses (not reactions) to the things around us. We can influence many things by our actions.
As someone who drank at home, I certainly don't need to change my friends, or the places I hang out (can't change where I live). As for things, all I can change is how I respond to things.
As someone who drank at home, I certainly don't need to change my friends, or the places I hang out (can't change where I live). As for things, all I can change is how I respond to things.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
The statement about people, places, and things has nothing to do with AA. I believe it is from Hazeltine or one of those places. Anyway, changing friends didnt work for me, I tried about 6 different states with no success, Im not even gonna get into the things part. Bottom line everywhere I went I took "Me" with "Me" Until I fixed that I was doomed. Just sayin...
Grouch and Brainstorm
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
Yeah, my understanding is the "people, places and things" idea is not from the AA program in the sense that it's meant today ("you need to change people, places and things to stay sober.") I heard it in rehab over and over.
That said, it's sound, practical advice. But it should not replace the critical inside job that needs to get done.
That said, it's sound, practical advice. But it should not replace the critical inside job that needs to get done.
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