What's not good today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 3
What's not good today.
Good morning to you all. I feel really down this morning. It's just 7am where I am and I feel desperate. The way I feel this morning is that coming into recovery is having the opposite effect than what it was supposed to have. There are some very good days and I feel I'm getting somewhere and then there are some bad days but generally I have my home and my family to lean on. I know my mood this morning is purely down to the way my relationship is going. I came into recovery to improve my life and the life of my partner and kids. This doesn't appear to be working. After a heartbreaking conversation last night, my partner feels she cannot do this anymore, that it is too hard, which I completely get as I've had days where I have felt recovery was too hard. She comes from a physically and emotionally violent upbringing and my alcoholism is bringing all of these feelings back to the forefront. She is going to councilling and looking into this which is extremely hard for her and everytime I do something wrong I'm getting beaten up for it because it is bringing up old issues. I know I cannot control this, I know I cannot change the way she feels. She feels like she is stuck in the middle with me and her kids. Everytime we have a spat she is hurled into this emotional conflict and that's not fair.
I want us all to be happy. I want to be free of this crap that goes on in my head. The confusion, the madness, the thoughts. This morning I feel "what's the point" I'm still hurting everyone that I wanted not to. I know this is not all down to me and these are her issues but I feel like I'm right back to where I was 6 months ago, only I'm not drinking. Maybe I'm not putting enough into this, maybe I'm not working hard enough, maybe I'm just not getting this. I was talking to a friend of mine who was in treatment with me and he just seems to be getting so much more knowledge and realisation out of this and I just seem not to be. I don't know if I am unwilling to give myself wholly to this. I keep coming back to meetings, I meet my sponsor once a week, I go to aftercare once a week but now I am doubting I'll ever get better. I'm doubting my whole ability to carry this through. The words of "how it works" keep coming into my mind and I feel I'm standing at the turning point. I want to be rid of these feelings and the madness that comes with them. I don't want to drink - although I do get thoughts of it - I don't see myself drinking - I feel I know the results of that one, tried and tested. I just feel so deflated today, confused and frustrated, alone and lonely.
I want us all to be happy. I want to be free of this crap that goes on in my head. The confusion, the madness, the thoughts. This morning I feel "what's the point" I'm still hurting everyone that I wanted not to. I know this is not all down to me and these are her issues but I feel like I'm right back to where I was 6 months ago, only I'm not drinking. Maybe I'm not putting enough into this, maybe I'm not working hard enough, maybe I'm just not getting this. I was talking to a friend of mine who was in treatment with me and he just seems to be getting so much more knowledge and realisation out of this and I just seem not to be. I don't know if I am unwilling to give myself wholly to this. I keep coming back to meetings, I meet my sponsor once a week, I go to aftercare once a week but now I am doubting I'll ever get better. I'm doubting my whole ability to carry this through. The words of "how it works" keep coming into my mind and I feel I'm standing at the turning point. I want to be rid of these feelings and the madness that comes with them. I don't want to drink - although I do get thoughts of it - I don't see myself drinking - I feel I know the results of that one, tried and tested. I just feel so deflated today, confused and frustrated, alone and lonely.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Sapphicire
Welcome to SR
I don't know how this resonates with you, but found that I needed to do a lot more than just not drink - I really had to work at changing my life too...
Getting sober is monumental, but for me it wasn't enough.
It was not enough to make me happy on it's own- I actively had to go out and look and find out what would.
You mentioned your wife has counselling - would you be open to counselling too?
A lot of members here have benefited from it, especially when they felt 'stuck'.
Happiness and contentment is open to all of us - but sometimes we have to look around under a few rocks to find it.
As for my loved ones - you know your recovery has to be for you. I think all we can do is do our best to improve ourselves, and communicate with (and listen to) our partner as much as we can.
I had a lot of things to make amends for...I'd done some pretty awful stuff over 20 years...that can take some getting over for those who've loved us.
Some people forgave me eventually when they saw I was not only in recovery but was also trying hard to be a good man (part and parcel of the same thing for me)
others, tho, could not trust me enough to open up their lives to me again - and I accept and respect that. I have to.
The fact your wife is still there after 6 months and doing counselling to try and face her own past for the sake of your relationship must give some hope to you, even with the words of today.
Its always worth staying sober Sapphicire - no matter what. We already know where the other way leads.
best wishes to you both
D
Welcome to SR
I don't know how this resonates with you, but found that I needed to do a lot more than just not drink - I really had to work at changing my life too...
Getting sober is monumental, but for me it wasn't enough.
It was not enough to make me happy on it's own- I actively had to go out and look and find out what would.
You mentioned your wife has counselling - would you be open to counselling too?
A lot of members here have benefited from it, especially when they felt 'stuck'.
Happiness and contentment is open to all of us - but sometimes we have to look around under a few rocks to find it.
As for my loved ones - you know your recovery has to be for you. I think all we can do is do our best to improve ourselves, and communicate with (and listen to) our partner as much as we can.
I had a lot of things to make amends for...I'd done some pretty awful stuff over 20 years...that can take some getting over for those who've loved us.
Some people forgave me eventually when they saw I was not only in recovery but was also trying hard to be a good man (part and parcel of the same thing for me)
others, tho, could not trust me enough to open up their lives to me again - and I accept and respect that. I have to.
The fact your wife is still there after 6 months and doing counselling to try and face her own past for the sake of your relationship must give some hope to you, even with the words of today.
Its always worth staying sober Sapphicire - no matter what. We already know where the other way leads.
best wishes to you both
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
Sapphicire,
Nothing to add, but did not want to let this one without answering. Dee has given you some good advice. It is good you are able to have honest conversations with your partner. As you say there are things you cannot control. You seem to be doing really good with the ones you can.
We cannot fight every thing happening to us constantly either. Hope you will be feeling better by the end of the day.
Nothing to add, but did not want to let this one without answering. Dee has given you some good advice. It is good you are able to have honest conversations with your partner. As you say there are things you cannot control. You seem to be doing really good with the ones you can.
We cannot fight every thing happening to us constantly either. Hope you will be feeling better by the end of the day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 3
Thanks guys,
I am in the process of setting up private councilling. Some people have said to wait until about 9 months to a year to start this but I feel I'm need to find out some deep rooted stuff that may make me see clearer. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my partner loves me, but this is just too hard for her to deal with at the moment. Maybe this is the right time for us to be apart and make our own way and see what comes of that. She doesn't want us to separate, just to live separately. I feel if the family unit is broken up then what hope have I got of having relationships with the kids. Then again maybe I need to think about them still suffering because my moods and general demeanour isnt' anyway near what I want it to be. Someone recently said to me that giving up the drink isn't enough, and I do believe that. I just don't seem to have to patience to let it happen. I want it, and I want it now.
I do have a strong faith and I am trying to do the right things but maybe I need to be doing more? Apart from more councilling I'm not sure what else it will take? Anyone??
I am in the process of setting up private councilling. Some people have said to wait until about 9 months to a year to start this but I feel I'm need to find out some deep rooted stuff that may make me see clearer. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my partner loves me, but this is just too hard for her to deal with at the moment. Maybe this is the right time for us to be apart and make our own way and see what comes of that. She doesn't want us to separate, just to live separately. I feel if the family unit is broken up then what hope have I got of having relationships with the kids. Then again maybe I need to think about them still suffering because my moods and general demeanour isnt' anyway near what I want it to be. Someone recently said to me that giving up the drink isn't enough, and I do believe that. I just don't seem to have to patience to let it happen. I want it, and I want it now.
I do have a strong faith and I am trying to do the right things but maybe I need to be doing more? Apart from more councilling I'm not sure what else it will take? Anyone??
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
taking it the old day at a time was a help to me.
I was used to 'I want it now'...I'd lived my whole life like that, and of course the bottle is instant gratification too.
I had to learn to step back and allow things to happen without me always trying to control the outcome.
It's still not easy sometimes, but I've grown in patience and faith that more often than not things will work out when I'm doing the right thing, whatever that is.
and less stress means less struggle and happier me
D
I was used to 'I want it now'...I'd lived my whole life like that, and of course the bottle is instant gratification too.
I had to learn to step back and allow things to happen without me always trying to control the outcome.
It's still not easy sometimes, but I've grown in patience and faith that more often than not things will work out when I'm doing the right thing, whatever that is.
and less stress means less struggle and happier me
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Its always worth staying sober Sapphicire - no matter what. We already know where the other way leads
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 154
"I want what I want, and I want it now!" is the mantra of the addicted brain.
Sometimes I wish I could just pray and overnight, all of the things I do that hurt, have hurt, those I love would go away. I start thinking- nothings changing, what's the point?
We have to remember that one step back doesn't negate the ten steps forward. Chances are you have changed and you're at a hump, a fork in the road. I think it's understandable to be frustrated when you feel you're doing all you can and it's still not enough.
Those times, those are the roughest times. When we were using we could drown them out, now we have to face them with the clear light of sobriety. It hurts to see how our actions harm others. Especially when we're trying so hard to be 'good'!
I would say, if you need therapy then get therapy. If I walked up to you on the street and said 'You there! Build me a bookshelf this instant!", you would have a hard time because you don't have any tools or building materials on you. That's what therapy did for me- it gave me tools that I have on me at all times that help me, and those I love.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Sometimes I wish I could just pray and overnight, all of the things I do that hurt, have hurt, those I love would go away. I start thinking- nothings changing, what's the point?
We have to remember that one step back doesn't negate the ten steps forward. Chances are you have changed and you're at a hump, a fork in the road. I think it's understandable to be frustrated when you feel you're doing all you can and it's still not enough.
Those times, those are the roughest times. When we were using we could drown them out, now we have to face them with the clear light of sobriety. It hurts to see how our actions harm others. Especially when we're trying so hard to be 'good'!
I would say, if you need therapy then get therapy. If I walked up to you on the street and said 'You there! Build me a bookshelf this instant!", you would have a hard time because you don't have any tools or building materials on you. That's what therapy did for me- it gave me tools that I have on me at all times that help me, and those I love.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 3
Thanks guys, I do feel better already. I know I've a long long way to go and I do feel somedays that I'm getting somewhere but it's not fast enough for me. I need to get stuck into the books and hope that something will shift in me. I feel once my mindset shifts, then I'll have a different outlook. I thought it had shifted but I don't know now, as I am doubting my ability to do this. I feel sometimes the simplicity of this programme is complicated by the addictive mind as we cannot accept that living happily can be achieved so simply....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Howdy sapphicire.
This was always the way it was for me whenever I stopped drinking for a time. I can totally relate to your description of the mental turmoil. I could put on a brave face for the rest of the world, but inside I was dying.
And I was dying right in the middle of the rooms of AA. All of that changed when I took the suggested actions of AA's program that led to a spiritual awakening and freedom from myself. I haven't felt like you describe for a long time.
This is what caught my eye in your post. 'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path' was true for me and true for everyone I've worked with. Are you thoroughly following that path? Working the Steps as described in the BB with a good sponsor?
Originally Posted by sapphicire 
I feel like I'm right back to where I was 6 months ago, only I'm not drinking.
And I was dying right in the middle of the rooms of AA. All of that changed when I took the suggested actions of AA's program that led to a spiritual awakening and freedom from myself. I haven't felt like you describe for a long time.
Originally Posted by sapphicire
The words of "how it works" keep coming into my mind and I feel I'm standing at the turning point.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I am glad that you are posting about this and that you have good support from counselling, family and friends. Patience was one of the hardest things I had to learn in recovery. Patience, and the fact that I couldn't control the outcome of so many things. Recovery is a life-long process and it sounds like you're making good progress. Try to have faith that things will work out, and continue to focus on moving forward with your life.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Don't forget to take it all one day at a time. If you can stay focused on what's happening in the moment, it's not so overwhelming.
I have to remind myself that we never get to the point in life where everything is secure and OK, like solving a math problem. Life is always ebbing and flowing and we have to flow with it. Try to relax (keep it simple, easy does it, let go let God).
I have to remind myself that we never get to the point in life where everything is secure and OK, like solving a math problem. Life is always ebbing and flowing and we have to flow with it. Try to relax (keep it simple, easy does it, let go let God).
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