TexasNative

Hello and happy Sunday to you all. I'm on my 12th day and feeling better but as expected my emotions are still all over the road, which brings my question. I'm in a relathinship that's realistically at the end of the road. Started in 2006 as having a good time, we moved in together with her 3 kids from 2 previous divorces, I've never been married and have no kids, the fun turned into reality, I was a fish out of water with the whole situation as I am very quiet and to myself, so after almost 2 years when the lease was coming I dropped the bomb...I wanted to live by myself again. I assumed that would end it but to my pleasant surprise we continued seeing eachother. Obviously though it has never been the same, it hurt her and she really wants to be married again. So we slowly grew into just friends that care a LOT about eachother. So here I sit in early recovery with my mind racing and it's been playing tricks on me, making me feel as though I blew it and need to try again before she is married to someone. I know deep down it wouldn't work, she knows it wouldn't work and probably wouldn't even try at this point. It's at a peaceul and civil end, so why in the heck do I keep thinking maybe one more try? I'm not in the correct mind to even be in a relationship much less a wounded one, and it would complicate my recovery, she even says so! OK, enough rambling. This is a sobriety forum not US magazine, I just wanted a bit of advice as to why I'm suddenly wanting something that's basically history. I'm almost certain that's not what either of us need, et all. Sorry for the ramble

Anna

Well, I had a lot of overwhelming thoughts in my early sobriety too. And, yeah, a lot of them were about regrets. What if I had...I could have, should have...and on and on. I had to accept that I was exactly where I needed to be, and that it was time to focus on recovery.

My advice would be to not do anything at this point, but wait and see how you feel in a few weeks or a few months. And, good for you for being honest with yourself and honest with your ex.

Mel8899

Can't say much about relationships so have no advice there. I have great relationships with my neices and nephews, but not romantic and they are kids still. Welcome though, I have found that no matter what the issue, someone here can help!!

Melissa

Opivotal

Tex,
Happy Sunday to you and congrats on 12 days. I think in early sobriety we feel very vulnerable. Like you said, emotions kinda all over the place. Plus she kinda your comfort zone someone who cares for you. Don't want to lose that but can't make it work. I know for me it took 29 years to figure it out. Glad I made the decision but there is also a downside. I find myself missing the companionship etc. Little scary to start over, but know it was the right choice for me.

Change is always hard Tex. Don't know if I'm helping much, but can relate to your indecision. Your doing whats right for you,and right now its not drinking. Isn't it better to let go now instead of waiting like I did? Who knows what the future holds. Stay strong and see whats coming your way!

Boleo

As a result of doing dozens of self-inventories, spending hundreds of hours in ZaZen meditation and having had several epiphany's, satori's and spiritual awakenings; I now can see that romantic love is completely delusional.

That being said - Life is delusional on purpose. Without it, no one would fall in love.

artsoul

Hi Tex - I've been looking at my life more closely since I got sober, too, though at 12 days, I was just starting to feel like I had a personality again. I know it's going to take me quite a while before I'm truly grounded.

My thoughts about your situation is that if it were me, I wouldn't make any decisions this early (especially for a reason such as "incase she were to meet someone else"). You've been pretty clear to say it wouldn't work right now for either of you, so I think you need to go with what you know rather than "what if's" and "if only's" (loneliness, etc)...... Since you're still good friends, why not let it be what it is? That way, you're not closing any doors, but you're not actively pursuing something you can't follow through on.

This reminds me a little of drinking, where we look back and think about the "good times" with a little longing. It's human nature to want to hold onto those times, but not always healthy if it keeps us from moving forward or gets us in over our heads. It takes a little effort to remember the other side of the coin, too, so that we don't get unbalanced in our point of view.

I don't know if I made sense (having a little brain mush today). I think it did, but then again......

Great job on 12 days, by the way!!!!!

SASA

as for me, in the beginning around day3 I started thinking about relationships and I think the main point for me was so I could distract myself from my recovery and feelings and think about something else. For me it was and is like an escape, If I think about a relationship with someone else I don't have to feel my own emotions and spent time with myself getting to know myself. It sounds wired I know.

Dee74

I didn't know exactly who sober me was until about 6 months in - before that I kinda leapt around from emotion to emotion like a cat on a hot tin roof....

I'd give yourself time to work out who you are and what you want.

D

HarryB

It's really easy to get carried away early in sobriety and fill your head with situations, scenarios and 'big pictures'. I've been through it myself so many times and I always get carried away and then disappointed.
The positivity and freedom of being sobery always makes me want to make amends, seize opportunities, reclaim lost loves. It's great and wonderful to know you're getting your life back but it's early days and just maintaining that sobriety is what you've got to channel your energy into.

Kmber2010

Tex, I agree with other posters and think there is a lot of good input here. Early sobriety is a journey and man what an awakening. I too had so so sooooo many thoughts racing through my head in those early weeks. I thought of my past and actions and I was very confused. Lots of change because of this new positive me that no longer lived through the veil of alcohol. I just let things ride and tried not to make any change other then the necessary positive ones that I had so needed and longed for. Getting a job, eating and living a healthier life.

I focused on me and getting that foundation laid which I am still doing after 3 months. I didn't race to reconnect or forge totally new relationships. Thanks to SR, I was able to share my excitement and fears and have gained invaluable insight from experienced friends here who understand and get me and this thing called alcoholism.

Stay strong and focus on you and one sober day at a time. That is the key right now. Getting support and working recovery. As you further along you will be able to see things more clearly and the emotional ups and downs will settle.

Keep sharing and posting. We are following this journey right along with you. I am not the same person I was back in April and am glad I didn't make any rash decisions. I am just getting to the good stuff now. Starting to understand me again.

coming_clean

if you're in early recovery then I would just not do anything drastic, such as starting a relationship or ending one.

I almost ended mine.
It turned and it's better then ever.

TexasNative

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I've been posting on others threads but this was the first time I started a thread about myself. I can't say thanks enough, a really really big help. I actually watched a movie with her yesterday evening and I don't think it was a good idea. The more stories she told me about misc things she has been doing the more I felt left out of her life. It stung. The best thing I'm afraid is to just let it go, she seems happier than I ever made her. I knew at some point it would hit me that she is no longer "my girl" it's just unfortunate it happened with less than 2 weeks of sobriety. I guess now I have 2 things that should get better daily, my sobriety and the love bite. Thanks again, sincerely.