New way of thinking, New mind...
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
New way of thinking, New mind...
Firstly I will start off this post with a thanks to SR. I know I have posted threads expressing my gratitude to SR but I only genuinely post what I'm feeling and where I'm at. So thinking about my recovery and sobriety then a thanks to SR has to be mentioned. The more I think about my recovery and my mind then I cannot express my gratitude to SR enough. Simply put then without SR then this alcoholic and addict would be out there drinking and drugging. Who knows I may not even be alive on this planet at all.
I am grateful to be alive nowadays. That is one of the fundamental differences to 'Joe average' I think that many recovering alcoholics have. That gratitude to simply be alive and actually feeling good about being alive. Not trying to run away from your own mind and life and escape to an alternative reality. I often used to liken my binges to taking me to another planet. A planet where I didn't really participate but more just floated around in a warm numb body. Unable to speak or think or anything really. But I liked it there and it was a place that very few people can see the appeal. I only really met a couple who truly related and liked to go there with me too. The irony of that place is that it is a place that I have no memories of. Just waking up to vomit on the floor or ash trays tipped all over the carpet and Cocaine bags licked dry. What a crazy place to be at; Waking to anxiety and panic as to my blackout behaviour, then instantly reaching for another can and yearning to go back there. The smile gradully etched onto my face as I rail a can of 9% lager at 6.00am and watch the early morning sun rise and feel that burn in my stomach. I used to love that burn. But so fleeting and the instant physical and mental addiction of just craving more, more, more, more. Instant addict. Always a feeling of running away. Running away from my mind, my self, my life, my mistakes, running away from the addiction. Never satisfying the craving to go back to oblivion and push the feeling further and further. Untill there was no feeling.
It isn't like that for me now. It would be like that for me instantly though. All it would take is one drink. I would lose everything very quickly as my addict mind would not tolerate rules, regulations and life. It would just want more booze and drugs. Why bother with life? Knowing this 100% really helps me in my sobriety. I know that I'm an alcoholic and addict without doubt. Knowing that is all I need to know really at the baseline level of not losing everything that I now have.
However it is so much more than that. That is what is so fantastic about sobriety and recovery from alcoholism. I see life totally differently now. I see people totally differently now. I act and behave totally differently now.
I have my own design for life now. I used to feel lost and not really knowing how to procede with life. Now it's not like that now. I have a recovery program and way to treat others, as well as myself. It is a great feeling to not be overrun with worry and paranoia about stuff. SR helped me immensely with this. For me there wasn't a 'one size fits all' program. That in it's very nature was incompatible for this alcoholic. However with SR and the fantastic diversity of recovering alcoholics and addicts present then I was able to reach the stage where I had my own design for life that I was comfortable with and didn't make me feel like I was losing a part of me. Only the alcoholic part. That part is still present if I don't work my recovery. It's all gravy. I am the problem.
So yes, New way of thinking, new mind, New life. I am very grateful for this. I was sick and tired of trying to run away from myself. I was always there. I had to grow to accept and like myself. It is getting there 'one day at a time'.
Grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.
Increase The peace
I am grateful to be alive nowadays. That is one of the fundamental differences to 'Joe average' I think that many recovering alcoholics have. That gratitude to simply be alive and actually feeling good about being alive. Not trying to run away from your own mind and life and escape to an alternative reality. I often used to liken my binges to taking me to another planet. A planet where I didn't really participate but more just floated around in a warm numb body. Unable to speak or think or anything really. But I liked it there and it was a place that very few people can see the appeal. I only really met a couple who truly related and liked to go there with me too. The irony of that place is that it is a place that I have no memories of. Just waking up to vomit on the floor or ash trays tipped all over the carpet and Cocaine bags licked dry. What a crazy place to be at; Waking to anxiety and panic as to my blackout behaviour, then instantly reaching for another can and yearning to go back there. The smile gradully etched onto my face as I rail a can of 9% lager at 6.00am and watch the early morning sun rise and feel that burn in my stomach. I used to love that burn. But so fleeting and the instant physical and mental addiction of just craving more, more, more, more. Instant addict. Always a feeling of running away. Running away from my mind, my self, my life, my mistakes, running away from the addiction. Never satisfying the craving to go back to oblivion and push the feeling further and further. Untill there was no feeling.
It isn't like that for me now. It would be like that for me instantly though. All it would take is one drink. I would lose everything very quickly as my addict mind would not tolerate rules, regulations and life. It would just want more booze and drugs. Why bother with life? Knowing this 100% really helps me in my sobriety. I know that I'm an alcoholic and addict without doubt. Knowing that is all I need to know really at the baseline level of not losing everything that I now have.
However it is so much more than that. That is what is so fantastic about sobriety and recovery from alcoholism. I see life totally differently now. I see people totally differently now. I act and behave totally differently now.
I have my own design for life now. I used to feel lost and not really knowing how to procede with life. Now it's not like that now. I have a recovery program and way to treat others, as well as myself. It is a great feeling to not be overrun with worry and paranoia about stuff. SR helped me immensely with this. For me there wasn't a 'one size fits all' program. That in it's very nature was incompatible for this alcoholic. However with SR and the fantastic diversity of recovering alcoholics and addicts present then I was able to reach the stage where I had my own design for life that I was comfortable with and didn't make me feel like I was losing a part of me. Only the alcoholic part. That part is still present if I don't work my recovery. It's all gravy. I am the problem.
So yes, New way of thinking, new mind, New life. I am very grateful for this. I was sick and tired of trying to run away from myself. I was always there. I had to grow to accept and like myself. It is getting there 'one day at a time'.
Grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.
Increase The peace
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
As I pushed "thanks" on this post, I realized that it wasn't enough just to say thank you.
I too must add my thanks for SR, my clear head, my desire to stay in the moment - no matter how difficult the situation, my new-found self esteem...... so much more.
I totally saw myself in your post Neo - it brought tears to my eyes.... I relate to it all. Mostly, I relate to the constant desire I used to have to escape reality, and the regrets I almost always had afterward.
I know from experience (15 yrs clean until last years relapse with Coke and Meth) that its a sure thing - if I pick up - I go right back to square one. But, the rest of the squares just whiz by so fast, its no time until I'm all up in it again.... Heard the term "bottom falling out"? Well, for me, that is the reason I can't go back... the bottom I think I have hit at one point, can fall out to reveal yet another far below it. What's to say that one time when it does, I won't just keep falling? Not going to chance it.
This life is too good to leave behind - I'm living and loving it!
I too must add my thanks for SR, my clear head, my desire to stay in the moment - no matter how difficult the situation, my new-found self esteem...... so much more.
I totally saw myself in your post Neo - it brought tears to my eyes.... I relate to it all. Mostly, I relate to the constant desire I used to have to escape reality, and the regrets I almost always had afterward.
I know from experience (15 yrs clean until last years relapse with Coke and Meth) that its a sure thing - if I pick up - I go right back to square one. But, the rest of the squares just whiz by so fast, its no time until I'm all up in it again.... Heard the term "bottom falling out"? Well, for me, that is the reason I can't go back... the bottom I think I have hit at one point, can fall out to reveal yet another far below it. What's to say that one time when it does, I won't just keep falling? Not going to chance it.
This life is too good to leave behind - I'm living and loving it!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
So yes, New way of thinking, new mind, New life. I am very grateful for this. I was sick and tired of trying to run away from myself. I was always there. I had to grow to accept and like myself
Thanks Neo!
You always manage to express my own feelings so well.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST 
... I was able to reach the stage where I had my own design for life that I was comfortable with and didn't make me feel like I was losing a part of me.
Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about.
I used to use booze to fell good about not dealing with life.
Now I use life to feel good about not dealing with booze.
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