trixieisme

I need to vent about something, and for those of you that have gone through this same experience, I am sorry.

At least night's AA meeting, we were discussing Mel Gibson and what's going on with him, which lead to a brief reading from the Big Book. In Chapter 8 (To Wives), it says:

Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.

Well, when it was my turn to talk, the first thing that I said was that I wished that my husband would read that. So, when I got home from work today, I actually sat down with him and read him that paragraph.

He says that he doesn't agree, that it isn't a disease. It's just something that I do to make him mad, because I know he doesn't like it. That there is no dependency on alcohol, that it's just me being lazy and not wanting to stop drinking. That I can controll it if I wasn't always out to get drunk and be a b*tch towards him.

When he was done talking, I just walked away. I've been somewhat steaming about it for the past couple hours, but have chosen to keep my mouth shut. I've learned that, with him, I need to learn to pick my battles, and while I feel that this is a good one, I also feel that I need to be in a better place with my sobriety before I can confront him about how he is making me feel.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has gone through this...what have you done when you other half or a significant person in your life has said this to you? Am I wrong for feeling getting mad at him?

Dee74

sounds like your husband is pretty focused on himself, Kristin, and I think that's pretty normal for spouses of people who go into recovery. He may actually believe it or it may be he feels a little scared at the change, although he may not admit that.

Whatever his reasons, it's not fair what he's saying tho, and it's certainly not true in my experience.

Just remember that we can't change anyone else - but we can work on changing how we react to them...it's an ongoing lesson that one

D

spryte

Oh, it feels so good to vent! Deep breaths, screaming, throwing things...but nothing feels better than a good vent.

I am trying to stop drinking, and often I feel frusterated because people around me aren't into the whole scene.

' This is the most major thing in my life!' I feel like screaming. But they don't read up on it, and they are supportive, but they don't really know what is going on.

They aren't going to read up on it.

How hard was it for ME to read up on it? Really hard.

Imagine those thoughts of denial and self-protection amplified...because your loved ones aren't actually abusing alcohol. Where is the survival imperative for them to learn about it?

Do your thing, suggest to them how they might learn, but back off on taking action if they won't learn. As long as they continue to love you and spend time with you and talk to you and smile...you're lucky.

This isn't to suggest that people might not have valid issues with their significant others, but if the main issue is a lack of understanding about alcoholism, I'd say, work on yourself and your issue.

fourmaggie

Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.

its funny, in my head when I first heard of this on the radio...I was thinking that poor woman needs AL ANON!!...and MEL is so sick......

MelindaFlowers

Hi Trixie,

I think it makes our partners/spouses feel a little uneasy because it changes the dynamic of the relationship, and even though the change is positive, it still makes them nervous.

I know that in my relationship, my partner is beginning to get used to not having the same ammo against me when we’re in an argument or a simple disagreement.. What I mean by ammo is he can no be right on pretty much any matter by saying “you’re drunk!” or “you were drinking too much.”

Maybe the secretly liked being the in-control one. They were used to being the one who could roll their eyes when we knocked something over or say something stupid while drinking.

Just give him some time and I’m sure he’ll like the changes he’ll see in you.

omegasupreme

What concern's me is when you said, "how he is making me feel". Nobody can make us feel a certain way. They are our feelings and we don't have to give others power over them, however you are correct, this is very hard in early sobriety. He kind of sounds like my ex wife, lol .

artsoul

Hi Trixie - I'm sorry you're having troubles. I think you were smart to walk away. Better to protect your sanity (read: sobriety), than let it escalate.

If he says these things (calling you lazy, a b*itch, etc.), it sounds like there's alot of anger in there somewhere - that's some pretty abusive language. I hope you can work things out, but I'd certainly try to detach as much as possible. Your sobriety is #1, even if he doesn't understand.

Hugs and prayers..........:ghug3

Anna

I would detach as well, and hope that your husband works on his anger issues.

I didn't try to influence my husband's thoughts about me when I stopped drinking. I had enough to deal with to take care of myself and move forward in my recovery. My husband did not have any interest in AlAnon or in my recovery - he only wanted me to get better. I know that it's hard for others to understand our situation.