lucyinthesky3

No, it does worry me a lot. I feel really overwhelmed by this realization. I just don't know what to do now, and I don't know if the deadness can be fixed at this point.

zbear23

Lucy. You pose some excellent questions and bring up some serious concerns. I always felt "dead" inside (depressed/empty) until I discovered drugs and drinks. I still remember thinking when I first smoked pot, "so...this is what feeling good is like." I never had realized I was feeling bad until I felt good. I proceeded to use substances daily for many years because I wanted to feel good or, as you might describe it, "alive." In other words, instead of learning to regulate my feelings naturally from the inside, I learned to depend on outside stuff. It was quick and easy. Doing it without the stuff was slow and required me to do some suffering until I learned how to self regulate and take responsibility for my own feelings.

Something to consider is tha addiction is progressive. It nearly always gets worse, never better, and the consequences become more and more damaging. And it is the consequences that finally convinced me that I was an addict, and brought me to the world of recovery....as AA describes it, "a design for living."

As for the alive v. dead feeling...the only result offered in the 12 steps of AA is a "spiritual awakening." In retrospect, I was spiritually "dead" and needed to "come alive." It was an inside job....withoutside help.

BTW...there is no such diagnosis in the Diagnostic Manual for addiction. It is "dependency" or "abuse." I like Bradshaw's definition. I've also heard some alcoholics describe it as "drinking without my own permission." Another good one is "a broken promise." I was ever promising myself....never again. And always breaking that promise.

You might simply want to ask yourself if there is a downside to pursuing a clean and sober lifestyle. Besides the initial discomfort, I mean.

blessings
zenbear

Kmber2010

Lucy there is so much information in this post. I think after reading through....you know the answer to your question.

You don't know what you would do if the pills the ran out because that hasn't happened yet. We say we won't but most of us have deeper issues that cause and are perpetuated by our vices.

I started drinking to deal with pain. It provided an escape and it was manageable at first. It numbed me and comotose was what I wanted when I had free time and I mind wondered and pondered on my situation.

When I realized I had a true problem/addiction/however we spin it (I dislike labels) my life was out of control. I had created a nightmare. I let me and everything I stand for crumble and was destroying myself.

I went from socially drinking to at home drinking to excessive drinking to daily bingeing. I had no desire or ability to get a job and craved the bottle so much that I would scrape $$ together or at its worst PAWN items for booze.

I was a raging alcoholic. I finally couldn't take anymore and live that life and no moderation or justification worked. I need to dump it out and get support. I came to SR and I got counseling.

You can do this. You can move beyond these pills.

I assure you that your vices will worsen and it will grow. There are plenty of support options out there and I urge you to seek counseling instead of continuing to self-medicate.

Our lives are so much richer in recovery. We are here to support you.

All the best.

LaFemme

Hey Lucy, just my opinion, the mind and he body have a remarkable ability to heal. It might take a lot of work, but id be willing to bet that you can "feel alive inside" without drugs if you were to give them up.

I base this on my experience, I used alcohol to deal with my depression, I thought it was the only thing that could fix it. I am four weeks sober today, and I have relearned what it means to be truly happy.

Good luck to you on your journey!

LexieCat

Hey, Lucy,

Sounds like you've been trying very hard to be honest with yourself. That's the good news, because successful recovery depends on being completely honest with yourself.

It took a long time for my drinking to get to the point of addiction, but once I was in it, I spent almost all my waking hours getting ready to drink, drinking, or recovering from drinking. I would feel panicky if I didn't have enough booze in the house, because I had a fear of driving under the influence (not that I never did) to get more.

I'm not as familiar with NA as I am with AA, but both use the Twelve Steps to lead you to a life where you DO feel alive again, without the need to take mind-altering substances.

Those of us in recovery have found, too, that once the drug we "depend on" is taken away, it's all too easy to come to "depend" on a different one. Which is why it's dangerous for us to take, recreationally, ANY drugs or alcohol.

Keep reading, thinking, and posting. If you are ready to stop, we're here to help.

LaFemme

One othee point. I think you can be on the path to being an addict for a long time before you cross over the line. I know I was. And only when I tried to quit did I really realize how bad it was.

Zencat

That same realization propelled me to seek treatment. I didn't like the direction of where my life was going and I need to make some changes. I started with counseling and then entered dual-diagnosis (addiction and mental health) treatment.

Seeking treatment was the best move I have made in my life. With help from caring others (skilled laypeople and professionals) I was able to put my life on a course that has brought me better emotional and physical health.

Harry01854

Lucy, it appears that you mostly talk about the prescription. Maybe it might be a good idea to discuss this with your doctor too. Even if your not sure if you are an addict. I let all my doctors know first hand, I am an alcoholic and an addict.

If your in fear that the doctor may take you off the medication and/or give you a different one that you may not be dependent on, you might want to rethink about being an addict.

Harry

Mat

This post is mainly about psychological addiction.

Personally, I did not classify myself as an alcoholic(someone addicted to alcohol) until I realized I needed to stop, tried to stop, and realized that I could not stop. For the last 4 or 5 years I have probably wanted to stop drinking every minute of the day that I wasn't drunk or had the idea in my head that it was "ok" to get drunk. This probably amounted to 10-12 hours of every day.

How insane is that? I hate myself and want to stop 75%+ of my waking hours, then spend the other ~25% doing the thing I hate. That for me is addiction.

As a counter-example I probably would also be considered a gaming addict if I actually thought I needed to stop playing video games. I don't; they're awesome. =D

Angelic17

Lucy, In reading your thread you sound like a very intelligent person. In my opinion, I would define an addict as someone who cannot live with out their drug or drink. Someone who regardless of circumstances won't and can't stop. Someone who really want's to stop, yet keeps using and feels horrible after they do. What I do know is that even though I'm not an addiction specialist or a doctor, that I was addicted when I was using pain pills.

You say you use drugs out of boredom and to have fun, well that right there is a very dangerous way of thinking. That kind of thinking can lead you to addiction and alot of other troubles. Such as the law and so many others.

A healthy mind can have fun, without the use of drugs and alcohol. In recovery we call that kind of thinking, stinkin thinkin. An addict puts their drug in front of everything else in their lives. They are consumed with getting their drug or drink, and think of it from the minute they wake up, until the minute they go to sleep.

Addiction to me, is a mental obsession.
I believe NA&AA define it as such.

I personally think addiction is really a compulsion to keep getting a certain feeling from their drug or drink. Which is impossible to attain. Whether your an addict or not, I sure hope you can learn to live your life without the use of drugs/alcohol. Because if there is one thing that I know for sure, is that nothing good ever comes out of using either.

Thank You for you thread.
I wish you a life of sobriety and fun,
without the use of a mind altering substance.

:ghug3

lucyinthesky3

I don't think I could talk to my doctor about it, like the doctor I have is already kinda awkward to talk to about even ordinary things. I think I might try calling the mental health and addictions place here and maybe make an appointment to talk to someone there. Also, I might go visit this lady I know who is an addict and goes to NA and stuff. We've talked about drugs and stuff before so maybe I'll talk to her... this is confusing. I know this should be a good thing that I had this realization, but in a way I feel worse. I feel kind of more hopeless in a way now. I think over the years I have shoved everything painful and traumatic down so deep to avoid thinking about it and feeling it that I'm totally dead inside now, and it's hard to feel sometimes. I've known for a long time that I block things out. Like as soon as anything sad happens that makes me upset or angry, I immediately do what I can to block it out but I never realized it was going to just make things worse.

LexieCat

Well, Lucy, it's sometimes a little bit of a shock (that may be an understatement!) to realize how hooked we actually are. HOWEVER, the more clearly we see it, the more clear the solution becomes, as well.

I think your ideas about talking to an addictions specialist and to your friend in NA are both EXCELLENT ones.

The sooner you get going on this, the sooner you will start feeling better and more hopeful. People DO get recover from their addictions, if they are willing to do the work.