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12 days no drinking, upset and emotional

Old 07-15-2010, 03:13 PM
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12 days no drinking, upset and emotional

I feel really upset this morning. I am 12 days without drinking and husband is 6 days. He has depression and work probs and the alcohol was not helping so together we decided not to drink at home. I was away for a week with a friend while he sorted himself out now I have been home for 6 nights. This have been going alright.

Friday night we were planning on going to dinner together after work. It has become habit (last 2 months) to drink late into the night 1am or 2am with our neighbours.(The alcohol I think has increased my husbands depression who 1 month ago became suicidal and had his medication reviewed and changed by his doctor).

This Friday night was meant to be our special night going to dinner after having a rocky patch. Well last night my husband visited two separate lots of neighbours and offered them lifts to their drinking destinations and said I could make my own way by myself after work to our dinner date after he had given all his mates lifts. I was upset and my husband just didn't get it. He accused me of not wanting him to have his own friends and not wanting him to do things with them. He got really angry and was shouting and carrying on.

Sometimes I don't know if I can bother with all of this anymore. It is all really getting me down. He also said the neighbours had asked us for drinks on Sunday pm. People know we have been through a rough patch, I just wish they would leave us alone to sort though our problems. The neighbours increasing encroachment into our life and the associated drinking behaviour is making me caustrphobic. They have returned from East Timor and Afghanistan on deployments with the Australian Defense Force and I think are making up for lost drinking time. 12 months ago before they went overseas we did a lot less with them, now it seems since their return it is Friday something and Saturday and sometimes Sunday!

I feel like I cannot win. If I go for the drinks and have soft drink they are going to call me a wowser, If I don't go I appear like a bitch. If I do go and drink which I dont want to do I will feel angry with myself. But I can't anyway because I am taking antabuse. I have not told my husband I am taking it.

I am sick and tired of everything and have gotten to the point where I don't know if I am overreacting. I feel like running away from my marriage and starting a new life sometimes.
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Old 07-15-2010, 03:55 PM
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hey jaffa

Early recovery is a pretty full on time - I remember a lot of things set me off.

Maybe you need to talk to your husband and tell him some of what you've said here?
It sounds like he has very little idea of whats going on.

As for your neighbours - they obviously have no idea whats going on either, so does it really matter what they think?

Does it matter anyway whether they think you're a wowser or a b*itch?

You know whats right for you Jaffa - stick to it....but I have to say I found it really hard to give up drinking and not change anything else in my life.

My life always won and I went back to my old ways.

If you want to stay sober IMO I think change is pretty much mandatory - how you react to people, who you hang around, what you do with your time...

Its hard - but you're not alone
D
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Old 07-15-2010, 04:40 PM
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Jaffa,

Sometimes recovery feels like starting a new life. It did for me.

What I can tell you for sure, is that you need to take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to stay sober. Don't worry about keeping your neighbors happy or informed about what you're doing. Recovery takes a lot of energy, so keep focused on you.
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Old 07-15-2010, 05:23 PM
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Hi Jaffa -

If your neighbors are real friends, they will understand if you say "hey guys, we need a couple of weekends to ourselves." I bet they will care much less than you think.

You used words like "suicidal" in your post. With this level of seriousness, why would you care what anyone thinks anyhow?

Be strong. It is worth it. But, you have to work an active program of recovery. For me, just not drinking was only the first step.
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Old 07-15-2010, 05:24 PM
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you need to tell hubby you are taking antabuse first...so he understands how serious you are. and you may not be able to make him realize why you are annoyed with him and the neighbors...., but you can impress upon him that you think he is "planning" to drink and how you feel it will interfere with his progress and may drive him into a deeper depression.

take care of yourself and put your needs up in the front. try to explain to your husband that the neighbors are the last thing both of you need right now.

i wish you the best and hope you feel better emotionally, congrats on 12 days, you are fast approaching the 1/2 month, that is a real accomplishment....soon you will feel more "even".
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Old 07-15-2010, 09:19 PM
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Thank you everyone, thank you so much for your words of advice and support. It is strengthening to know someone understands/cares. It does make a difference. Hubby called me as I was leaving for work and apologized for being unreasonable last night and said sorry for organizing lifts for the neighbours. I am just so sensitive at the moment. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. I have decided to quit drinking, but I think my husband feels I forced him into it because I said I was not ready to come home unless we stopped drinking at home. I think he resents me for it. And I resent him for resenting me..........as I said last month his GP thought he was suicidal, and he has made a few threats of suicide to me during heated arguments he is so depressed..............the alcohol does not mix with depression. Maybe I should say I don't want to drink but you do what you like, or do you think we should stick to our guns even though I feel he resents me ?so confused about all this
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Old 07-15-2010, 09:39 PM
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I think you have a right to ask for no drinking at your home - especially if, as you posted way back, it was his idea in the first place.

It's doubly important if he's depressed and there's been threats of self harm.

but Jaffa - noone can make your husband stop drinking elsewhere if he doesn't want to - I hope he does but it's got to be his decision

D
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Old 07-16-2010, 01:46 AM
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Thanks Dee, Yes it was his idea in te first place, we sat down and put down 10 ground rules 5 each and his was the no drinking at home because I think he knew how much it bothered me and you are right about drinking outside the home, that is his choice. Thank you so much for your support
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:11 AM
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Hi Jaffa - I just wanted to say that I think you're doing extremely well to stay sober and deal with your husband's drinking and depression.

I think when we decide to get sober, we have to do everything we can to protect that sobriety. It feels selfish sometimes, but after all, we're saving our lives and our health. If you were a diabetic, it wouldn't seem unreasonable to not have sugary sweets in the house. It's possible your husband is resentful because he doesn't really want to stop. Do what you need to do for you and stick to the agreement you made with him.

I hope he comes to see that it's the best thing for both of you. And yeah, depression can't be treated as long as alcohol is involved. Hang in there.....
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Old 07-16-2010, 10:22 PM
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Jaffa, I am sorry you are going through this right now. I am proud of you for staying sober and here is my advice - Screw the neighbors and that whole lot. You are sober for you and you first. Personally, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't care what they thought. You got off the sauce for a reason and that is a heck of a lot more important then what some boozing pals think.

As far as the spouse goes...well we can only wish our partners the best but he will get sober for himself when he is ready. As much as we are supportive and caring, we must know that while others can't fix us.....well we can't fix others.

Hang in there friend. This is one of those challenges that come at us in early sobriety but know that drinking will only make things worse.

I had to cut off people in my life when I got sober and started recovery because they just didn't understand me nor cared. They knew I had alcohol problems and criticized me for drinking but were quick to always invite me to some booze event. Think it made them feel good about their own drinking if I was there. This way everyone can point to me and say....wow man....now she REALLY has a problem. Bluh

Keep posting and definitely take it one day at a time. Focus on you....not others. Guarantee most of them wouldn't be there when you really need them. Not when we hit rock bottom.
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