StrongBird

But I am terrified to walk through the door again. Ter.rif.fied. Way worse than I was the first time. I've tried to go three times recently. Driven there, got to the parking lot, panicked, and driven off.

I quit drinking 19 months ago with bullheaded determination. I went to AA a few times in the beginning but I just wasn't in the right place, emotionally, to rely on the kindness of strangers. Now, I'm slightly more humble... slightly. But I'm also really concerned that they are going to treat me like a real beginner. It may not be perfect, what I've got going on here, but it's better than drinking again.

What if going to AA upsets my oh so delicate balance and I drink again? I know myself - suggestions like the 90 meetings in 90 days are going to **** me off. I feel like at this point, I've rewired the basic neural passageways sufficiently enough so that I can go 24 hours without picking up a drink. But I'm still isolated, resentful, proud, stupid, what have you. I stopped numbing myself but I still haven't figured out what to do next. I feel like I need to connect with people who get it, but I also don't want my existing sober time and the things I HAVE managed to figure out on my own to be disregarded just because I didn't get here through time in the rooms.

Mark75

Hey... you are a beginner, in the program of AA... so am I and I've been going to AA and working the program for 22 months!

Start at the beginning. It's a wonderful journey, why miss any of it??... I had lots of pride issues myself, and I have been freed of many of them... because I followed direction.

You'll feel very welcomed in AA...



Mark

keithj

Strongbird,

I appreciate your honesty about what you are seeking with AA. I think your viewpoint is refreshing and rather evolved.

Truthfully, there are some people in AA that will discount your experience and view you as a trainwreck waiting to happen. I am perhaps one of those people.

Discount me entirely and listen to nothing I say. Do not let me or someone like me discourage you from being in AA. My viewpoint is based on seeing hundreds of others every year who are convinced that they do not have to do what I have to do to stay sober, come in to AA and go right back to drinking again.

Because just as truthfully, you will find many, if not the majority, of people in the rooms of AA who receive a tremendous benefit from the fellowship and support shown there, without ever being involved in AA's program of recovery. You can enjoy those benefits freely and spend some great time with some great people who understand your common, shared problem.

And who knows? If you find that it's not comfortable hanging onto that delicate balance, scared of drinking again, not free to do anything and go anyplace you want, just making it through the next day holding on tight, then the AA program of recovery has a solution for lasting sobriety and freedom that is also available to you.

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an
alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP
and people like you here
in SR I havent found it
necessary to pick up a
drink of alcohol since
8-11-90.

For that and you I
am truely grateful.

A number of days,
months or even a
number yrs. sober
doesnt matter. I
have to remember
that I am just one
drink away from a
drink.

I live on a 24 hour
a day bases not to
drink alcohol.

I love the newcomers.
I love the oldtimers.

We learn and continue
to learn from each other
as we share our own
ESH. Experiences, strenghts
and hopes of what it was
like before, during and
after alcohol.

Don't let the time I have
sober scare you. There
have been many during
my recovery time that I
have seen with numerous
yrs sober go back out.

I come here to learn
from you that have done
that to keep myself from
going out there myself.

I read and I listen to
those that return to let
me know alcohol is still
kicking butt big time.

It hasnt changed out
there and it NEVER will.

Right now in my life at
51, im not working and
newly remarried since
Feb. 2009.

I am totally grateful for
my sobriety and all the
promises that have thus
come true so far.

Right now, i am in a
funk so to speak. Its
so easy to isolate and
enjoy time alone. But
I do get lonely.

I have 3 wonderful pets
that r not demanding.

A loving husband 10
yrs older than I. Strong
and working hard who is
also a member of our
recovery program.

All that I have are gifts
given and provided for.

And yet why am I feeling
blue.

I learned early own that
my soul purpose in life
is to give away the program
of recovery that was so
freely passed on to me
by others sober before me.

Coming here and sharing
with SR gets me out of
that lonely selfcentered
feeling and brings me back
to life.

Its not about me today,
but about recovery and
giving hope to those traveling
the same road of recovery
as I.

One hand helping another.

Continue to pass it on.

MagdaTheGreat

I also considered going back to AA just to meet some friends who don't drink, but the meetings just feel way too much like church for my taste and there's constant maligning of those who don't work the steps. They say you can come just for the fellowship, but you will constantly hear that you're not going to make it if you do. See keithj's post.

People in AA would probably consider you a dry drunk and discount that you've made any progress at all, despite the fact that after this much time your brain has definitely healed quite a bit, had neural pathways go dormant and strengthened new ones, as you said. You've made significant physical and lifestyle changes, and it would be ridiculous to let anyone discount that.

Mark75

I used to think it was maligning, but it's not... It is to remind us that the freedom we seek from alcoholism is found in the steps... Read Keith's post... He completely acknowledges that there are people who come to AA for the fellowship and do quite well sans steps... Some don't, however... Without discussion of the steps, their importance... then AA would just be a place to come and have a cup of coffee and shoot the breeze... kind of like what you'd like it to be... a place to make friends who don't drink and none of that spirituality talk...

BTW... A person is only a dry drunk if they say they are.

Jeb18

I've started going to AA meetings for about a week. Every other day. What I've noticed is that every time you go you don't get more nervous. Just go up to people and say Hey my name is _______ and I want to give AA another shot and I am looking forward to recovering. Just tell them how you are feeling. I've found out that not saying anything is more awkward than talking to people.

keithj

That's kinda what I was getting at.

You know, it's like if I started going to the spinach lovers fellowship. All those folks meeting together to extol the virtues of eating spinach. Better hair, skin, eyes, live longer, some of those folks have transformed their lives through eating spinach.

Now, I don't like spinach all that much, and I really think that I'm healthy enough without eating much spinach. Maybe a little here and there, if it's prepared the way I like it. But those folks seem like nice people, and we share some common interests.

So I start going to their spinach meetings. And wouldn't you know it, after a while I'm all pissed off. They wont' stop talking about how wonderful that damn spinach is. And now I'm starting to feel singled out. Like they're talking right at me. I know I'm not eating spinach, and I can just feel them all maligning me.

So I get my feelings hurt, and I say, "F-off you spinach lovers! How dare you drive me out of your rooms with all your spinach talk!" And I'm the center of attention again. They get all apologetic and promise not to make me feel so bad.

It's kind of what goes on in AA. We get so darned sensitive and concerned about hurting people's feelings. Because I'm such a kind (i.e., approval seeking, people pleasing praise junky) person, I stop talking about my actual experience with AA's program of recovery. I listen to those folks who say, "You'll scare away the newcomer with all that AA talk in AA."

It's like we're on a membership drive or something. Like more people coming and going and not recovering (because we're afraid to talk about how great the spinach is) is somehow better than fewer people feeling comfortable, but many more people recovering for good and all.

Our program of recovery involves eating a lot of spinach. We meet to share our experience with that. You don't have to eat spinach if you don't want to. But please don't expect me to edit my experience with spinach eating so that you can feel more comfortable not eating spinach in a room dedicated to spinach eating.

Anna

I hope you find a method of recovery that works for you.

Margareth

Ok, the way I see it is that AA is one way of getting to sobriety. An important one with a lot of people who get support out of it but after all just one.

I also understand that SR is a good way to maintain or get to sobriety and a lot of people here get it.

What i get from you is that there are actually two issues at hand. One the need to break out of isolation and a place were you are not judged for being all those qualities you seem to ascribe to your self.

What I also get from you is that you seem to empower a group of people who have gone or who are going through the same **** as you (and excuse me but I think that being sober for 19 months is something to be very proud of, proud or pigheaded and all and I'm sure a lot of people at those meetings would give their right arm to get there) with an inordinate amount of authority and the right to judge you even though you have never met these people.

May I suggest the following: First of all perhaps you might find that there are groups out there who have nothing to do with alcohol but with whom you have a something in common like a hobby, crafts, working out or gardening and who might be helpful in reconnecting with people in the first place.

Stick around here so you have an outlet and support for when it get's iffy and maybe sometime in the future if you still feel like you want some more "real " human people getting it, give AA or perhaps a less religion (If that is the issue) oriented group a go.

That way you have a sturdier net work all around.

It works for me.

DayTrader

Strong, you probably know deep down whether you need to go or not. Go with your heart.

In a thread like this, there's bound to be the AA-loyalists (like me) who'll tell you over and over what a great deal AA is, how much better you'll feel, and how phenomenally your life and your thinking can change for the better .... IF YOU WORK THE STEPS. And there will be the group that says AA isn't necessary. In the end, go with your heart over some dope's (like me - ) suggestion on the interwebz.

Going to meetings helps, making friends who are in recovery helps, reading the material helps........but that doesn't get me the life-changing feelings I'm looking for in recovery. I figure, if I'm going to give up booze........it damn well better be for a good payoff! That's available in AA. Not because "signing up and becoming a member" has its rewards.......but because by working the steps and taking a bunch of action you (and I) don't want to take actually frickin works.

I felt a lot like you at first.....always thinking everyone was judging me and looking at me with pity or just plain old patronizing me. Nothing I hated like feeling patronized! Used to **** ME OFF at meetings....BIG TIME. Looking back now, they weren't patronizing at all. They were seeing themselves in me. They remembered feeling the feelings that dominated my mind at the time. They knew right where my head was even though I rarely told the truth at tables (at first). That they knew used to bug me too! Truth is.....they didn't really know what to say to me. In my mind, they were damned if they did and damned if they didn't. For whatever reason, the more I heard, "The root is our selfishness and self-centeredness" the more I understood that my anger at those meetings was just the result of me being completely self-centered. Once I got over that......I was able to see and feel all the love that's in those meetings.

Sure.....there's bound to be an occasional jerk here and there.... most meetings have em - just like most companies, roadways, shopping centers, etc. Jerks are everywhere. THAT they bother me is indicative of my being unbalanced.

Come on back.... the ppl in the meetings NEED new ppl to be reminded of where they came from, to help work the program, and to stay sober themselves. Not to mention....the program needs as many strong new members as it can get.

fragrantrose

I have a resistance about going back to AA at present.. I feel too fragile!
It can sometimes have parodoxical effect and lead me to feeling more like a drink!
At present my tactic is.. building a healthy sober life..finding me as the fog slowly lifts.. finally embracing, instead of rejecting my quiet gentle nature (recovering people pleaser as well)
Totally changed lifestyle to alcohol free NO 1.. only activities that have nothing to do with booze
Down the track i hope to be able to face AA if need be, but as a stronger whole person.
Coming here daily has been my lifeline..thankyou all at SR!

stugotz

AA is incredibly simple yet we love to complicate it. Sounds like a little "Fear" goin on here. The Big Book has been described as "poorly written, simplistic, and repetitave" It is and I thank God and Bill for that. This alcoholic needed just that. Just sayin...

RobbyRobot

Good honest post, StrongBird. You know, AA members won't really care one way or the other what you got going on with yourself if you come across as being honest and sincere with others about whatever. To me, it looks like you have something to offer and that is the thing to know here. You wanting to face your challenges and share your experiences with others is the real deal here.

AA members want what is good for them and although members can't always agree on this or that, or how whatever should or could work out - we all agree that the rooms have a chair for all and any of us no matter our history drunk, dry drunk, sober, whatever.

Hang in there. Anybody gives you hard times you may discover they have a few difficulties they need some solid support with themselves, you know. Be there and be all that you can be for yourself and others. Best Wishes.

Rockin' thread guys.

Robby

getr345

This is a very interesting thread and I think it touches on a legitimate issue people can have with the AA approach. It's one of the reasons I wanted to make my first go at sobriety without AA, and WITH the benefit of an ordered, structured recovery forum such as this. AA generally treats all newcomers the same (as typical alcoholics in bad trouble whose only hope for recovery is to do things by the Big Book) and that is OK. It's the same mentality with military basic training. All recruits are treated harshly and as though they haven't a clue in the world about how to become a soldier. Past civilian experience means nothing, time spent camping in the woods meaning nothing, and all that time shooting your Daddy's shotgun at beer cans means nothing. There is generally no inclination shown by anyone in a position of authority to treat you differently, same with AA really. Both groups start at the ground floor, knock you down & build you up; and offer a rigid way of doing things that they believe works best for everyone, and that approach makes total sense to me, and I can see why they must do it that way and not tailor their approach to individual needs, at least right away.

Mark75

Yea, getr, I think that analogy has legitimacy... Certainly rehab had some of that goin' on... accountability, structure, unity... and in AA there are explicit instructions and directions for working the steps...

Some may need to be "knocked down"... certainly if we are in the midst of a self will run riot...

To me, I thought I was smart enough to figure it out... I mean, I've been around, I am reasonably intelligent, still had a moral compass... although the needle was starting to get a little shaky... etc....

I found so many contradictions when I tried to figure it out myself, tailor it to my own way... paradoxes... Not until I just did it like a "paint by number" project... did I see the benefits... Funny thing, when I heard people share their own experience just like I just did.... I was like, "yea, yea, but...."

I've heard that when it comes to spirituality, that AA is kindergarten... I get that too... But If we are gonna go on to the higher grades and we gotta get the foundation exactly right, because otherwise it's all built on shaky ground...

Hmm... how's that for mixing metaphors... LOL

Like the thread, so FWIW, my 2 cents, again

Toronto68

Strongbird, what if you just tried not to operate with so many expectations and just let it be? You're drawn to AA and looking for faults and then proceeding with an analysis on both sides, kind of like a mirror reflecting a mirror reflecting a mirror and so on. Give yourself the credit for wanting to go first and then stop there with the analysis. I'm not really sure why I have not been going. I don't think it is because I am worried about my balance, but maybe that is part of it after all; or the pride issue. I hope the decision works out.

MagdaTheGreat

I didn't want AA to just be a social club. I just thought there would be more experience, strength and hope talk and less step talk. In other words, I wanted to attend a fellowship, not a church.

I hope the other groups (e.g. Lifering, SOS, WFS, etc.) that have more of a support-group vibe become more widespread, because for many of us they are a much better fit. Unfortunately, in most cities someone who needs help with alcoholism only has the option of AA.

Mark75

Maybe I came on too strong, sorry.

cat1961

I went to my 1st AA meeting tonight and felt like a million bucks when I left. It was rather intimidating with 30 strangers in the room and not having a clue of what to expect. But this is a down to earth group and had given me such a warm welcome.

They'll be on the calendar for every Wednesday!