Venting or confusion? Help me out!
 

So it seems that, to me, I have encountered a bit of a contradiction in recovery motivation.

My counselor tells me that in my recovery (three months clean now), I need to focus on me and that while others may support me and it's OK for me to appreciate that, I have to focus on myself and not what they want. On the other hand, my stepmother (who is a substance abuse counselor) has told me that while this is true, the health of the other people involved in my life is most important. This sort of made me feel like someone who is otherwise left to rot in a lonely field somewhere with a false sense of hope that I might be better forever. Alas, I don't even matter so much in my own life it seems :/

I'm not really angry about this, moreso frustrated...but I feel that I am frustrated because I am missing some important points. What am I missing, if someone can enlighten me?

Deep down, you know whats best for you Teal - do that.

Noones asking you to be selfish - just acknowledge that the factor of primary importance in your life right now is your recovery.

In my case I figured if anything came before my continued sobriety I'd lose everything I had anyway - and hurt a lot of people besides.

I'm not sure how you staying clean, and rebuilding a sober life, could be 'detrimental to the health' of the other people involved in yr life.

D

Thanks D, sorry if I came across as being angry or unreasonable. I'm at the stage in my recovery where I'm happy with my progress and I'm keeping my eyes on my goal, but am basically angry with the other things. I feel this will work itself out but I don't like feeling this way really (frustrated).

Your recovery is your own, not your step-mothers, even if she is a substance abuse counselor. Like Dee said, no one is saying you should be selfish, per se; just that your recovery should be more important than say....going out to a bar with friends just to prove you can do it. When situations arise that you feel might put your sobriety at risk, you are encouraged to think about your sobriety moreso than whether or not someone's feelings will be hurt if you don't attend some function at a club or some such thing. Those who love you and care about your well-being will understand and not be hurt or upset if you don't attend. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I understand better now; thanks. My biggest concern is being somewhere unrelated to drugs with friends and someone brings out some crack randomly. Scenarios like that are what scare me. I can more easily avoid situations where those things *will* happen.

Do your friends know that you are in recovery? True friends would never bring out crack randomly if they know you are. Those that would do such a thing are not really your friends because they obviously don't care about your well-being. When we decide to live a sober life, sometimes we have to lose some of our past "friendships" if we want to succeed.

Teal, I am actually confused your stepmother said that - but maybe her being your stepmother has something to do with it, who knows. I could be missing pieces to the story, but it makes sense to me that a person would need to focus on themselves. The person that recovers is the person writing your post, not others around them. That's the hope you have to go on. I don't minimize how others count, but without the self wanting life back, that's the danger.

My dad and stepmother have always emphasized that my relationships with others are extremely valuable, and that I need to think about their well being before making certain decisions. I don't exactly feel that my addiction was a decision in itself, but that bit of input that I mentioned was circulated a few times. I actually agree with her to a point, what I don't agree with is the complete level of it if you know what I mean. Anyhoo, thanks for the input- I really appreciate it.

With all due respect to your stepmother, your most valuable relationship is with yourself. You must always do what is best for your own well being. That doesn't mean that you don't ever consider others, but, in the end, you must take care of yourself first. It's like the analogy many use...on an airplane, when they give instructions for using the oxygen masks. They always say to put on your own mask first before helping anyone else. It's certainly something to think about.