Just want to talk about my drinking some...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1
Just want to talk about my drinking some...
Hi everyone. People here seem so nice. I'm definitely not an alcoholic but I think maybe my drinking isn't healthy right now. I just want to say a little about it.
Well basically, people have been telling me my whole life I should be an alcoholic. I think I surprise people I'm not crazy yet. Most surburban kids I knew in high school got drunk and did pills every week, and I never did. I had way more problems than them too, I just dealt with in a different way.
I don't really wanna go into those problems. I was born into a nuclear family, lower-middle class and all that. But my mom died when I was 12, and I could write pages about that but I won't. It affected me profoundly, to say the least. My dad died when I was 20, and I'm 21 now. It hurt even more. It also left me with a lot of worries, I'm almost out of his money. I got to try to support bills and go to school at the same time. I haven't got a job yet and my family yells at me about it, the family I have left. Anyway...
I've always been curious about alcohol but cliques were everything in my school. I hung out with nerds who actually could have fun without getting wasted. I loved every minute of high school even though
I was curious about drugs though, and drinking. I smoke weed twice, drank a few times, took pills. But this was all a couple times each. Kids would literally smoke blunts and drink liquor everyday, and I looked down on it. I seriously saw it as trashy and stupid. I almost hated them for no other reason then they did what I wanted to do. I really wanted a way to escape.
Near the end of high school I got physically addicted to OTC sleeping pills. It wasn't really a drug addiction since it was OTC, and it didn't inebriate me. I just used them to sleep through times I didn't want to be awake. If I'd have a bad day, I'd take 3 and now that when I woke up again it would be a new day. I got up to taking 5-7 a night.
I eventually got through all that. But then I went to college, and failed inexplicably. I did great in HS. But I had no motivation in college. The summer before it started my dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Still no drugs. Still no drinking. I didn't have "connections" and didn't want to hang around the people that did.
After my dad died I got a little bit of money which I'm almost out of now. I think that was my drug for a while, knowing I could buy what I want. Which is why I'm almost broke.
After my dad died I went to his medicine cabinet and found a full bottle of Xanax. He was prescribed them for panic attacks but didn't take them regularly, probably less than once a month. He was an ex-alcoholic and afraid of going down that path again. The bottle was almost expired and I finished it in a week.
On my 21st birthday I bought a bottle of rum, and I drank the whole thing. A big bottle of rum, the size the sell on the shelves at liquor stores. At first I hated it but I kept chugging trying to force to feel a buzz. I blacked out. I woke up the next morning covered in puke sleeping on the floor. I looked at my computer and saw IMs I didn't remember seeing. That's the only time I've ever done that.
The thing is...I've only been drunk a handful of times. I mostly get tipsy. I'm seriously never drunk-drunk.
I've tried many alcohols since my birthday in October. I have tons of bottles sitting around, empty.
But drinking was sporadic. Once every month. Then once every two weeks.
For the past month or so I've been drinking everyday. Literally. I don't get drunk, but I'll have a bottle of wine or 2-3 beers.
I started craving the taste of beer. Each drink I take, I get tingles. I don't know what it is that causes it. I don't like the taste of it. But I love how it feels after I drink one. I get flushed. I get relaxed. I am happier. Beer is way better than liquor to me, which is why I could never really be alcoholic. Straight liquor makes me wanna hurl, I can't do it.
But man this feels good. I didn't think I could be developing a problem until I told my BF how much I've been drinking. He's says this past month I've been mean and abusive. He lives far away so we talk online. I do think I've been more aggressive but it's not alcohol related. Shouldn't alcohol calm me? I promised I'd tell him when I drank from now on but I didn't. I'm on my 3rd beer right now.
And I'm typing great. I feel great. I just worry sometimes, I worry because of how messed up my life is. How everything puts pressure on me. How I'm almost out of money and nowhere near finished with college.
Nobody else knows I drink. Just him.
Thanks for reading.
Well basically, people have been telling me my whole life I should be an alcoholic. I think I surprise people I'm not crazy yet. Most surburban kids I knew in high school got drunk and did pills every week, and I never did. I had way more problems than them too, I just dealt with in a different way.
I don't really wanna go into those problems. I was born into a nuclear family, lower-middle class and all that. But my mom died when I was 12, and I could write pages about that but I won't. It affected me profoundly, to say the least. My dad died when I was 20, and I'm 21 now. It hurt even more. It also left me with a lot of worries, I'm almost out of his money. I got to try to support bills and go to school at the same time. I haven't got a job yet and my family yells at me about it, the family I have left. Anyway...
I've always been curious about alcohol but cliques were everything in my school. I hung out with nerds who actually could have fun without getting wasted. I loved every minute of high school even though
I was curious about drugs though, and drinking. I smoke weed twice, drank a few times, took pills. But this was all a couple times each. Kids would literally smoke blunts and drink liquor everyday, and I looked down on it. I seriously saw it as trashy and stupid. I almost hated them for no other reason then they did what I wanted to do. I really wanted a way to escape.
Near the end of high school I got physically addicted to OTC sleeping pills. It wasn't really a drug addiction since it was OTC, and it didn't inebriate me. I just used them to sleep through times I didn't want to be awake. If I'd have a bad day, I'd take 3 and now that when I woke up again it would be a new day. I got up to taking 5-7 a night.
I eventually got through all that. But then I went to college, and failed inexplicably. I did great in HS. But I had no motivation in college. The summer before it started my dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Still no drugs. Still no drinking. I didn't have "connections" and didn't want to hang around the people that did.
After my dad died I got a little bit of money which I'm almost out of now. I think that was my drug for a while, knowing I could buy what I want. Which is why I'm almost broke.
After my dad died I went to his medicine cabinet and found a full bottle of Xanax. He was prescribed them for panic attacks but didn't take them regularly, probably less than once a month. He was an ex-alcoholic and afraid of going down that path again. The bottle was almost expired and I finished it in a week.
On my 21st birthday I bought a bottle of rum, and I drank the whole thing. A big bottle of rum, the size the sell on the shelves at liquor stores. At first I hated it but I kept chugging trying to force to feel a buzz. I blacked out. I woke up the next morning covered in puke sleeping on the floor. I looked at my computer and saw IMs I didn't remember seeing. That's the only time I've ever done that.
The thing is...I've only been drunk a handful of times. I mostly get tipsy. I'm seriously never drunk-drunk.
I've tried many alcohols since my birthday in October. I have tons of bottles sitting around, empty.
But drinking was sporadic. Once every month. Then once every two weeks.
For the past month or so I've been drinking everyday. Literally. I don't get drunk, but I'll have a bottle of wine or 2-3 beers.
I started craving the taste of beer. Each drink I take, I get tingles. I don't know what it is that causes it. I don't like the taste of it. But I love how it feels after I drink one. I get flushed. I get relaxed. I am happier. Beer is way better than liquor to me, which is why I could never really be alcoholic. Straight liquor makes me wanna hurl, I can't do it.
But man this feels good. I didn't think I could be developing a problem until I told my BF how much I've been drinking. He's says this past month I've been mean and abusive. He lives far away so we talk online. I do think I've been more aggressive but it's not alcohol related. Shouldn't alcohol calm me? I promised I'd tell him when I drank from now on but I didn't. I'm on my 3rd beer right now.
And I'm typing great. I feel great. I just worry sometimes, I worry because of how messed up my life is. How everything puts pressure on me. How I'm almost out of money and nowhere near finished with college.
Nobody else knows I drink. Just him.
Thanks for reading.
Wombling Free
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Thailand
Posts: 60
Hi Rosemary,
there is a very simple test that will help you decide if you are an alcoholic or not.
Abstain for one month, if you can you are not if you can't you probably are.
I disd not drink everyday, but I sure could never get through a week without drinking way to much at least 4 times a week.
Then there is the damage you are doing to your body, at your age it is probably not evident yet, but as time goes by the damage will start to manifest itself in a number of ways..you don't wanna go there belive me
Good luck
there is a very simple test that will help you decide if you are an alcoholic or not.
Abstain for one month, if you can you are not if you can't you probably are.
I disd not drink everyday, but I sure could never get through a week without drinking way to much at least 4 times a week.
Then there is the damage you are doing to your body, at your age it is probably not evident yet, but as time goes by the damage will start to manifest itself in a number of ways..you don't wanna go there belive me
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome to SR Rose! There is plenty of info and experience shared for you to read through and tons of support.
I see that you say you are not an alcoholic but if you read through your post....you share much of the feelings that many of us have been through. Alcoholism isn't so much the amount of booze we drink or the frequency as much as it is about using it as a crutch to cope, to become numb and to forget.
You are young but you have been through much heartache and my heart goes out to you for being so strong. I do feel that if you continue on your current path that you may find things spinning well beyond your control and alcohol only furthers any existing depression or pain we already bare.
I relate to much of what you wrote in that my drinking started slow and I too was like you in that I didn't think much of those who got sloshed around me. I worked extremely hard against much adversity to finish college while working full time. I had to rely on me but somewheres down the line the occasional drink turned to so much more. It snuck up on me....the frequency increased....I drank for pain then I drank to reward myself and finally I was a functional alcoholic.
If possible, I highly suggest you get support. SR is here for you and I think counseling would be beneficial. I never sought counseling until I had wasted and destroyed pretty much 10 years of my life. I am proof though that we can stop and start anew in sobriety working recovery. Recovery isn't staying off the bottle but how to live more positive and productive lives and how to begin to have self-worth and love for ourselves again.
Hang in there my friend. Your posting is the first step and you can stop this. I have nothing at all at the age of 35 thanks to my self-destructive alcoholic mind and I have have begun again and found much to be grateful for. You need not gone down this path since you recognize now what took me over 10 years to get.
Keep sharing, reading and posting. You can do this and for the record (even though I don't know you) I am pretty darn proud of you. I don't think you life is messed up but I do know if you continue to drink that it will be and that is not a dark place you need to put yourself in.
I see that you say you are not an alcoholic but if you read through your post....you share much of the feelings that many of us have been through. Alcoholism isn't so much the amount of booze we drink or the frequency as much as it is about using it as a crutch to cope, to become numb and to forget.
You are young but you have been through much heartache and my heart goes out to you for being so strong. I do feel that if you continue on your current path that you may find things spinning well beyond your control and alcohol only furthers any existing depression or pain we already bare.
I relate to much of what you wrote in that my drinking started slow and I too was like you in that I didn't think much of those who got sloshed around me. I worked extremely hard against much adversity to finish college while working full time. I had to rely on me but somewheres down the line the occasional drink turned to so much more. It snuck up on me....the frequency increased....I drank for pain then I drank to reward myself and finally I was a functional alcoholic.
If possible, I highly suggest you get support. SR is here for you and I think counseling would be beneficial. I never sought counseling until I had wasted and destroyed pretty much 10 years of my life. I am proof though that we can stop and start anew in sobriety working recovery. Recovery isn't staying off the bottle but how to live more positive and productive lives and how to begin to have self-worth and love for ourselves again.
Hang in there my friend. Your posting is the first step and you can stop this. I have nothing at all at the age of 35 thanks to my self-destructive alcoholic mind and I have have begun again and found much to be grateful for. You need not gone down this path since you recognize now what took me over 10 years to get.
Keep sharing, reading and posting. You can do this and for the record (even though I don't know you) I am pretty darn proud of you. I don't think you life is messed up but I do know if you continue to drink that it will be and that is not a dark place you need to put yourself in.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Rosemary.
I'll be straight with you - there's a lot of red flags here.
I don't usually pick apart peoples posts - but you got a lot going on here.
that pretty much how it starts for a lot of us.
you can be just as addicted and screwed up on OTC stuff.
Wanting to sleep through times I didnt want to be awake is pretty classic beahviour too. I did that.
again, pretty consistent behaviour I'm familiar with - escape, trying to control your environment, no 'brakes'...
there's a really serious contradiction there with those last two statements Rosemary. I have to wonder exactly what you call 'drunk drunk'?
drinking everyday, craving, not actually liking it, but loving the effect, drinking to change your mood, swapping your kind of liquor to keep drinking, getting mean, keeping secrets...
I think you have a lot of thinking to do Rosemary.
I hope you're smarter than I was cos I got to this point and just brushed it off.
It never gets better but it usually does get a whole lot worse
Kims suggestion is a good one...and I hope you post here more.
and I promise not to pick apart all your posts LOL
D
I'll be straight with you - there's a lot of red flags here.
I don't usually pick apart peoples posts - but you got a lot going on here.
I really wanted a way to escape.
that pretty much how it starts for a lot of us.
Near the end of high school I got physically addicted to OTC sleeping pills. It wasn't really a drug addiction since it was OTC, and it didn't inebriate me. I just used them to sleep through times I didn't want to be awake. If I'd have a bad day, I'd take 3 and now that when I woke up again it would be a new day. I got up to taking 5-7 a night.
Wanting to sleep through times I didnt want to be awake is pretty classic beahviour too. I did that.
I think that was my drug for a while, knowing I could buy what I want. Which is why I'm almost broke.
After my dad died I went to his medicine cabinet and found a full bottle of Xanax. He was prescribed them for panic attacks but didn't take them regularly, probably less than once a month. He was an ex-alcoholic and afraid of going down that path again. The bottle was almost expired and I finished it in a week.
On my 21st birthday I bought a bottle of rum, and I drank the whole thing. A big bottle of rum, the size the sell on the shelves at liquor stores. At first I hated it but I kept chugging trying to force to feel a buzz. I blacked out. I woke up the next morning covered in puke sleeping on the floor. I looked at my computer and saw IMs I didn't remember seeing. That's the only time I've ever done that.
The thing is...I've only been drunk a handful of times. I mostly get tipsy. I'm seriously never drunk-drunk
there's a really serious contradiction there with those last two statements Rosemary. I have to wonder exactly what you call 'drunk drunk'?
I've tried many alcohols since my birthday in October. I have tons of bottles sitting around, empty.
But drinking was sporadic. Once every month. Then once every two weeks.
For the past month or so I've been drinking everyday. Literally. I don't get drunk, but I'll have a bottle of wine or 2-3 beers.
I started craving the taste of beer. Each drink I take, I get tingles. I don't know what it is that causes it. I don't like the taste of it. But I love how it feels after I drink one. I get flushed. I get relaxed. I am happier. Beer is way better than liquor to me, which is why I could never really be alcoholic. Straight liquor makes me wanna hurl, I can't do it.
But man this feels good. I didn't think I could be developing a problem until I told my BF how much I've been drinking. He's says this past month I've been mean and abusive. He lives far away so we talk online. I do think I've been more aggressive but it's not alcohol related. Shouldn't alcohol calm me? I promised I'd tell him when I drank from now on but I didn't. I'm on my 3rd beer right now.
And I'm typing great. I feel great. I just worry sometimes, I worry because of how messed up my life is. How everything puts pressure on me. How I'm almost out of money and nowhere near finished with college.
But drinking was sporadic. Once every month. Then once every two weeks.
For the past month or so I've been drinking everyday. Literally. I don't get drunk, but I'll have a bottle of wine or 2-3 beers.
I started craving the taste of beer. Each drink I take, I get tingles. I don't know what it is that causes it. I don't like the taste of it. But I love how it feels after I drink one. I get flushed. I get relaxed. I am happier. Beer is way better than liquor to me, which is why I could never really be alcoholic. Straight liquor makes me wanna hurl, I can't do it.
But man this feels good. I didn't think I could be developing a problem until I told my BF how much I've been drinking. He's says this past month I've been mean and abusive. He lives far away so we talk online. I do think I've been more aggressive but it's not alcohol related. Shouldn't alcohol calm me? I promised I'd tell him when I drank from now on but I didn't. I'm on my 3rd beer right now.
And I'm typing great. I feel great. I just worry sometimes, I worry because of how messed up my life is. How everything puts pressure on me. How I'm almost out of money and nowhere near finished with college.
I think you have a lot of thinking to do Rosemary.
I hope you're smarter than I was cos I got to this point and just brushed it off.
It never gets better but it usually does get a whole lot worse
Kims suggestion is a good one...and I hope you post here more.
and I promise not to pick apart all your posts LOL
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
it you drink for the effect of the alcohol, not for the taste or something, you could develop a nasty addiction if you keep it up long enough. This can take several years, but it can take a lot more to be off it again.
be carefull....addiction is cunning and pretends to be ur best friend..then it will stab you 25 times in the back with the kitchen knife you just handed over...
be carefull....addiction is cunning and pretends to be ur best friend..then it will stab you 25 times in the back with the kitchen knife you just handed over...
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Beer is way better than liquor to me, which is why I could never really be alcoholic.
I also see a lot of 'red flags' in your post and hope you'll get some help to resolve your 'issues' and hopefully stop drinking.
I started out drinking just one glass of wine in the afternoon to relax before my kids got home from high school. Within six months I was drinking all day every day and could not stop. I never thought my innocent glass of wine would lead me to such a bad place, but it did and it was hell getting out of it. I hope you can stop drinking before it gets a lot worse, cause it always gets worse, never better.
Welcome to SR - a great place for support and good info.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 318
Kmber, Dee, and Least hit the nail on the head.
I started out slowly too - would only binge on weekends, then Thursdays and weekends, then it started to turn into every day. Alcohol has this magic property of making you think you are handling things, and that nobody notices your drinking. But as time goes on your life becomes unmanageable and you find out after the fact just how much people did notice. Alcohol also makes you think you are handling your problems, but it really just masks it. What it really does is helps you to not notice they are there, or if you do, you just don't care. If you wait to quit, you will have your current problems to deal with, plus all the new ones that pile up while you were drinking.
Best piece of advice - quit now while you are ahead. Deal with your emotions now and heal. Definitely seek out a grief counsellor. Many schools offer counsellors to students for free or for a greatly reduced fee - take advantage of this now while you can.
It's great to have you as a member of the SR community, welcome aboard!
I started out slowly too - would only binge on weekends, then Thursdays and weekends, then it started to turn into every day. Alcohol has this magic property of making you think you are handling things, and that nobody notices your drinking. But as time goes on your life becomes unmanageable and you find out after the fact just how much people did notice. Alcohol also makes you think you are handling your problems, but it really just masks it. What it really does is helps you to not notice they are there, or if you do, you just don't care. If you wait to quit, you will have your current problems to deal with, plus all the new ones that pile up while you were drinking.
Best piece of advice - quit now while you are ahead. Deal with your emotions now and heal. Definitely seek out a grief counsellor. Many schools offer counsellors to students for free or for a greatly reduced fee - take advantage of this now while you can.
It's great to have you as a member of the SR community, welcome aboard!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hi Rosemary, welcome to SR.
I'm so sorry for your losses, I think you problems may be manifesting and you are self-medicating to cope.
at your age, please don't start down this road, get out of the cycle now. apply for some counseling and find a steady source of support, not judgemental, but true support to get you through your grief. IDK what's available through insurance or the state, but you need to work through this with guidance other than pills and alcohol....it will only make it worse the longer you keep going at the rate you are...problems multiply quickly when you keep drinking.
keep posting.
I'm so sorry for your losses, I think you problems may be manifesting and you are self-medicating to cope.
at your age, please don't start down this road, get out of the cycle now. apply for some counseling and find a steady source of support, not judgemental, but true support to get you through your grief. IDK what's available through insurance or the state, but you need to work through this with guidance other than pills and alcohol....it will only make it worse the longer you keep going at the rate you are...problems multiply quickly when you keep drinking.
keep posting.
Proud Neonephalist
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Coast BC Canada
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by least 
There are lots of people here - alcoholics - who only drank beer.
Well, in my case it would be beer and cider.
I'm 49 and recently quit drinking after 32 years. I started slow...even slower than you. The thing is, even though I'm in the early stages of withdrawal, there's a bottle of my wife's leftover vodka from Christmas sitting in a cupboard 20 feet away, and I have no desire to drink it.
So you see, beer alone, decade after decade, can suck the quality of your life down the toilet just as effectively as hard liquor can. I'm sad proof of that. Why sad proof? Because who knows which dreams I had early in life I could have accomplished by now? How much richer would my life be right now had I not squandered so much time and energy in those 32 years? It's sad to ask such questions of ones self, and I hope you never have to in the future.
You've been dealt some serious blows to be sure, and you seem rudderless at this time, but if you seek help to understand what has happened to you, you'll be able to make informed choices.
You obviously are self aware and smart...I'd suggest you use those attributes to your advantage and get some counselling.
I wish you well!
Murray
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
One thing is for sure and that is that alcohol is not the solution to your problems. It will only take your life down and down and into the gutter.
As others have pointed out there are many 'warning signs' in your post. You sound like you are using alcohol and drugs as a medicine. That is a very slippery slope and addiction soon follows. Alcoholism is as much about the mental 'obsession' towards alcohol than it is physical dependency. If you keep drinking everyday then you run the risk of the latter. But the mental obsession is the one that is so hard to remove and rid oneself of. This is where a recovery program comes into play. I use AA, SR + much wisdom from elsewhere.
One thing is for sure and that is that alcohol isn't the solution. Remember that 'denial' is a massive part of alcoholism. Most newcomers start by calling themselves anything but an alcoholic. " I can't be an alcoholic because..."
I was the same and I went back drinking again. My recovery started when I admitted and truly accepted that I am an alcoholic. Then I could move forward 'one day at a time'.
All The Best.
As others have pointed out there are many 'warning signs' in your post. You sound like you are using alcohol and drugs as a medicine. That is a very slippery slope and addiction soon follows. Alcoholism is as much about the mental 'obsession' towards alcohol than it is physical dependency. If you keep drinking everyday then you run the risk of the latter. But the mental obsession is the one that is so hard to remove and rid oneself of. This is where a recovery program comes into play. I use AA, SR + much wisdom from elsewhere.
One thing is for sure and that is that alcohol isn't the solution. Remember that 'denial' is a massive part of alcoholism. Most newcomers start by calling themselves anything but an alcoholic. " I can't be an alcoholic because..."
I was the same and I went back drinking again. My recovery started when I admitted and truly accepted that I am an alcoholic. Then I could move forward 'one day at a time'.
All The Best.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
