Made so many excuses ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Pekin, IL
Posts: 11
Made so many excuses ...
Here I am, again ... Fresh out of county, and once again swearing I will never go back. Ever since I can remember alcohol or drugs have BEEN my life. They are what I do ... I know part of the reason why, but sometimes I honestly have no idea why I go back over .. and over .. and over ... and over .. again !
Anyways, I have made every excuse and flipped to drugs ... to alcohol .. and back more times than I care to count. I think back to the happiest months I had in my life. They were the 6 months of sobriety I somehow managed to string together right before I left my ex.
Now, with no drivers license ... no social life ... 32 years old and seriously back living with my mother I am STILL going out drinking, but hey - I didn't touch crack. I didn't get any heroin. I didn't steal any of her pills. No big deal, right ?
Wrong ... Not only is it a useless spending of money, leads to troubles both in my personal relationships, with work, and every other aspect of my life BUT drinking and USING are not even fun any more. Yet I am compelled to repeat my same mistakes over and over again.
I say I'm not going to pray because God didn't do anything for me today. I say I'm not going to an AA meeting because I have been working my arss off all day and I don't feel like the hour long walk. Yet the night I ended up in jail I had no problems walking WAY MORE than an hour over alcohol - NONE ! I tell myself I want instant gratification from quitting .. and I want things to go instantly back to how they were when I HAD 6 months sober. I know things don't work that way, but I'll be damned if I am not pisses they don't.
Here I am again, sick and tired of being sick and tired .. ALL the old cliches we all know so well - Heading to a wedding tomorrow where there will be plenty of alcohol but it has been made all to clear by my family I am not to take any part in drinking - because noone likes me as a drunk. However my fear is ironically, noone will like me if I am not. Which to be honest I know I am way worse drunk ! I know what an idiot I become, it's just that alcohol tricking me ... Also going back to where I know how to get my hands on H and crack very easily. However, thankfully my bail took all of my funds.
Tomorrow is going to be rough, but hopefully I make it and I can say it was a victory - no matter how small or seemingly simple for others. For me, making it just this ONE day will be huge. Maybe it will give me the resolve to take action and make sobriety THE most important thing in my life again, if not ... I sure as hell don't see my life getting any better.
Not really sure what to do - I know ... get to a meeting ... pray ... read the big book. I am so fed up with being told how to fix my problems though. I think in a weird way I am not doing this things because I know they do actually work. Either that or I am afraid of failing, again .. I don't know ..
I don't even know what the point of this post was. But I know I need to start SOMEWHERE - so here is my starting point. Let's hope this one last, which even as I type this I am thinking yeah right. Really should at least start with an online meeting here I think .. a real one would be best, but ..
Anyways, I have made every excuse and flipped to drugs ... to alcohol .. and back more times than I care to count. I think back to the happiest months I had in my life. They were the 6 months of sobriety I somehow managed to string together right before I left my ex.
Now, with no drivers license ... no social life ... 32 years old and seriously back living with my mother I am STILL going out drinking, but hey - I didn't touch crack. I didn't get any heroin. I didn't steal any of her pills. No big deal, right ?
Wrong ... Not only is it a useless spending of money, leads to troubles both in my personal relationships, with work, and every other aspect of my life BUT drinking and USING are not even fun any more. Yet I am compelled to repeat my same mistakes over and over again.
I say I'm not going to pray because God didn't do anything for me today. I say I'm not going to an AA meeting because I have been working my arss off all day and I don't feel like the hour long walk. Yet the night I ended up in jail I had no problems walking WAY MORE than an hour over alcohol - NONE ! I tell myself I want instant gratification from quitting .. and I want things to go instantly back to how they were when I HAD 6 months sober. I know things don't work that way, but I'll be damned if I am not pisses they don't.
Here I am again, sick and tired of being sick and tired .. ALL the old cliches we all know so well - Heading to a wedding tomorrow where there will be plenty of alcohol but it has been made all to clear by my family I am not to take any part in drinking - because noone likes me as a drunk. However my fear is ironically, noone will like me if I am not. Which to be honest I know I am way worse drunk ! I know what an idiot I become, it's just that alcohol tricking me ... Also going back to where I know how to get my hands on H and crack very easily. However, thankfully my bail took all of my funds.
Tomorrow is going to be rough, but hopefully I make it and I can say it was a victory - no matter how small or seemingly simple for others. For me, making it just this ONE day will be huge. Maybe it will give me the resolve to take action and make sobriety THE most important thing in my life again, if not ... I sure as hell don't see my life getting any better.
Not really sure what to do - I know ... get to a meeting ... pray ... read the big book. I am so fed up with being told how to fix my problems though. I think in a weird way I am not doing this things because I know they do actually work. Either that or I am afraid of failing, again .. I don't know ..
I don't even know what the point of this post was. But I know I need to start SOMEWHERE - so here is my starting point. Let's hope this one last, which even as I type this I am thinking yeah right. Really should at least start with an online meeting here I think .. a real one would be best, but ..
Glad you are here. You are not alone. This is a great place for support. Keep reading/posting. We do recover. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Pekin, IL
Posts: 11
Thanks all - Just had a great on-line chat ... I feel much more optimistic already. Although feelings like this can fade quickly logging on to come here for a 'quick fix' will hopefully become more routine - and hopefully a solid stepping stone to gaining my sobriety.
Seriously, before the live chat session I was pretty much hopeless. I wouldn't say I am hopeful yet but I just had a couple good laughs and an enjoyable hour or so and I can't say I have done that in QUITE SOME TIME - drunk or sober.
Seriously, before the live chat session I was pretty much hopeless. I wouldn't say I am hopeful yet but I just had a couple good laughs and an enjoyable hour or so and I can't say I have done that in QUITE SOME TIME - drunk or sober.
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