Kjell

When I first started to try to get sober, I kept hearing “resentments are an alcoholics #1 offender and usually the #1 reason we go back to drinking”. Ok, got it, but what the heck is a resentment? I’m not an angry person, I don’t blame others, oh well, that doesn’t apply to me.

As I started getting sober I kept hearing the same thing “we cannot hold on to resentments or we’ll drink again”. Ok, got it, but I don’t have any resentments against anyone. My mess is self created, I don’t really blame anyone, but me. This must be something that other alcoholics have, probably those with lower bottoms. I feel sorry for them, but I’m glad it’s not me.

So after doing outpatient therapy, using SR, and working the steps in AA (mostly step 4 and step 8), I’ve come to realize that I have MAJOR resentments, mostly against myself, but sure against others too.

In fact, I make up new ones daily, sometime by the minute. I would have to say that feeling resentful is a major part of who I am. Damn.

Just another example of how little I knew about myself and alcoholism, how much denial I was in, and how much further I need to go. It’s encouraging that I’m finally able to see them for what they are (at least some of the time).

Kjell

PS – please see below for the definition of resentment. You’ll notice it’s the “feeling of”, not “the fact of” or “the truth of”.


Re-sent-ment
–noun
the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

blue2

Hi Kjell,
I'm no expert on word definitions but in this example, I would from an Alcoholics view take resentment as being considering it unfair that "normal" people can have a few drinks to be sociable or even binge drink once a week without any consequences whilst you and I can't. You don't have to be directly angry at another person to have resentment (only my opinion).
Pete.

intention

Hi Kjell

As far as I was concerned, I never had any resentments either. Then I did Step 4 and I actually found out that I was resentful at everyone and everything. In fact, all of my thinking was resentment and fear. I would make resentments up all the time. I had imaginary conversations with people in my head and I would get resentful at them for things that they had said in my imagination. I was sick :rotfxko

Thank God it is no longer like that. Most of the time I am resentment free but if I do get one, I don't hold onto it for longm these days.

I love the way Joe and Charlie explain what resentments are for an alcoholic in their Big Book Study - found on the XA speakers website.

Well done, Kjell. It's all progress in the right direction.

HumbleBee

Personally, when I accepted that I don't want or need to drink, any resentment or comparison to the fact that other people drink and I don't want to (or can't for topics' sake) went out the window.

That's not to say I don't work on resentments about other things or people, but am speaking to the point made about "normal" people's drinking.

Great topic! Thanks for posting.

yeahgr8

I hated myself, everyone and everything...but had no real resentments to speak of...joke;-)

An old timer friend of mine said to understand what a resentment is...split the word in two and change sentment to sentiment so:

re- and sentiment

re = a prefix, occurring originally in loanwords from Latin, used with the meaning “again” or “again and again” to indicate repetition
sentiment = a thought influenced by or proceeding from feeling or emotion

That made it pretty clear to me:-)

keithj

'Oh, I don't have anything against them, I just think they suck,' said the man full of unidentified resentment.

It helps me to think who am I uncomfortable around, better than, less than, rather not bump into? Who do I wish I was like? Who do I have a bad opinion of? Who has something I want? What do I think is unfair?

Omega060610

Thanks Kjell, for this thread. The timing couldn't have been better for me. I have been having a very rough day and was sitting here fuming a bit and only thinking about how I could best relax, so I can be ready for another day of the same tomorrow (it is work matters).

Yes, I am stressed right now and my nerves are a bit tender. But resentment is actually the main source of my discomfort (with resulting cravings). I am resentful toward certain colleagues for making certain mistakes today, which lead me to have more stress. I am resentful to some neighbours for doing some things that also cause me stress (long history of trouble tenants next door). How dare they all do this to me? Bah, bah, bah...

Stuff happens and it isn't about what other people "do to me" but how I respond and whether I take responsibility for that response. I think this is what people refer to as the selfish nature of the addict -- expecting the world to revolve around them.

I have "nurtured" some of these resentments for quite a while. Some are new. But the common factor is of course that a) I am the one ending up with the negative emotions and b) the resentment blocks me from taking responsibility for my reactions (as it is other people's fault) and that traps me.

Your post reminded me that a) sometimes bad stuff happens and we just have to accept feeling bad and b) it is up to each of us to take responsibility for our emotional welfare.

Thank you again.

Kjell

Thank you for all the responses.

I just got home from work and I've been thinking about this...and...the thing that really gets me is that I honestly and 100%ly thought I was this "happy go lucky nothing bothers me" person.

I don't see how someone, talking about me here, can be full of resentments and also happy-go-lucky.

Wow. I just can't beleive how wrong I used to me about...well, me.

Let's peel this onion back and get down to it then.

Kerbcrawler

thanks for the insight kjell..like that, lets peel this onion back...an try not to cry..

Mel8899

I am with Omega, what great timing. I had an awful day at work and was really trying to figure out who I am actually mad at, knowing that I resent my present work situation, not necessarily the people. Did not really matter when the cravings hit though, I was just mad at everyone!!

As usual visiting this forum has helped me calm down. I have a lot going on in the next 3 weeks with work and financial issues so I cannot say the resentment is going away immedietely, but I know things will work out if I can stay on track and keep reminding myself that it will get better.

Once I get through July I am going on a cruise with family and then I will decide exactly what I need to do regarding work. I do not want to make snap decisions based on resentments I am still feeling from my job loss in March.

Melissa

Anna

Kjell, this is a great thread!

Like you, I was stunned to discover in recovery, that I wasn't the person I thought I was. There were positive qualities that I truly believed I had, which I did not. But, there were negative things I had believed about myself that also were not true.

And, I also had huge resentments towards myself. I was so hard on myself and I had a lot of work to do in that area.

I am so glad that you are peeling away the layers and finding your truth.

DayTrader

That's awesome Kjell

Joe and Charley's Big Book Study (avail on XA: page 1 here -- page 2 here), track 22 (which is at the top of page 2), right at the beginning, was the holy grail for me when it came to "resentments." I can recall I was cutting the grass when I heard it. It stopped me in my tracks and I had to rewind/replay it a couple times to take it all in. I thought resentments were things I held against others (or myself) and/or things I used as the fuel to be mad at others (or myself) for. Along those lines, I couldn't come up with much because, honestly, I had been able, even in my drunkenness, to separate the act from the person a lot of the time. I wasn't mad AT many people all that much or all that often. I was pretty disappointed in myself though, but my list didn't seem all that big considering resentments were supposed to be the #1 killer of alcoholics.

Back to the subject at hand....Joe and Charley explain it this way:
"re" means "to do again" as in repaint, replay, redo..... to do again
"sentment" comes from an old word "sentiri" which means "to feel"

so.....resentment means "to re-feel"

In the context of the BB (according to Joe and Charley) Bill used it to describe pains that we continue re-feel. We go home and replay the tape of being hurt - so we feel the pain again....and again.....and again. Those "replays" are the resentment (the re-feeling of the pain over and over) They went on to describe how we twist, manipulate and change those pains so that they feel more intense / more painful. We decrease (over time) the amount of our direct involvement in creating and propagating those pains so now we feel like more and more the "victim."

When I thought about the pains I continued to re-feel........whoa......all of a sudden I realized there were (It seemed.....until I started writing them down) BILLIONS of them. That's part of the magic in writing them down: what I thought were billions (and therefore there's be NO way to ever get past all of them) really turned into a much more manageable number.

As for pains I continue to re-feel.......yeah, I can see how those suckers would, if left unchecked, verrrrry easily lead me back to the bottle. Since they're created in my head.....most of the time without my knowledge of creating them, it makes taking that first step a whole lot easier. If my mind is doing something I'm not even aware of.....I have no chance at stopping it with my mind.

My only shot is to "come to" (step 2), understand/recognize I can't manage my own mind sometimes (step 1), and try to come to a belief that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity (step 2....the second half), and try to turn that "issue" over to the care of my HP (step 3) since I know now that I can't do it myself- because I don't have the power to (step 1).

DayTrader

As we used to say in the 80's.......... WERRRRRRRD!!

It boggles my mind at how much I just "didn't get" life, myself, everyone else, reality, .....you name it.


enigmas wrapped in a conundrum!

Wilde10

Thank you very very much for this thread!

DayTrader

I may have actually SAID that at one time....and still believed I didn't have any resentments!

LOL

Kjell

Very true (and scary). I'm very grateful I'm working a program of recovery. There is just so much more than putting the bottle down.

Growing and changing is painful, but worth it once you get to the other side.

Now I'm open and aware of these resentments. I'll use the tools I've been shown and work through them. (meaning give them to my HP and pray about them).