I am new here, not sure if I belong or not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 21
I am new here, not sure if I belong or not?
Hello. I am completely new here. Thank you in advance for reading this. I think I may have a problem but I am not sure what to do about it.
My background in a nutshell: I was raised in a fundamentalist religious group. I was kicked out of this religion when I was 17 for dating a non-believer. Needless to say I thought I was dead in the eyes of God after that.
I lost my way and soon discovered alcohol. I began drinking heavily, sometimes going to work still drunk from the night before. I couldn't seem to stop drinking after just a shot or two. My friends at the time would hide my bottle of my SoCo (my drink of choice) form me after I was drunkenly telling them I was already drunk, but then I'd find more to drink. I blacked out a lot, at least six times. (I honestly don't know how I escaped having something terrible happen to me or someone else?)
Fast-forward a few years I got pregnant. I stopped drinking. That was it. Not until my baby was over a year old did I drink again, but found that I still had little control of how much I would drink and how I'd behave while drunk. This scared me so I'd not drink for a while. (This happened with all three pregnancies. I'd stop drinking then start again.)
I married an abusive man who fathered my first two children. I divorced him and got my life straight, went to college and worked two jobs. I thought I was fixed but I still had urges to drink and occasionally I'd drink my vanilla extract since I didn't allow myself to buy alcohol. (Eventually I bought some and only allowed myself a shot or two.)
Shortly after that I met my husband. He was sober for three years. That was the first time I met someone who went through AA and I thought the whole thing sounded stupid to say the least. Now I felt GUILTY more that ever if I drank so I hid it form him. I didn't want him to say I had a problem and when he once mentioned it I told him how I can control myself since I hadn't drank since we were together. (That didn't last long either sine I then started drinking and hiding it from him- at that time I was a stay at home mom- but we were living with his parents who were also recovering alcoholics so I felt even more guilty. It was hell.)
Fast-forward to now: I am on an anti-anxiety medication that I CANNOT drink at all while taking. (Doctors orders.) Well, I was doing fine but ever since I was told I cannot drink I have more of an urge than ever to do just that. Commercials for liquor are torture. My mouth waters and I get a weird buzz feeling and just want a drop. It's sick. I am too proud to tell my husband what I go through. I am ashamed that I feel this way. I also did let myself have a wine-cooler (more like three) over the holiday weekend. BAD mistake since it got me all messed up (I now understand WHY I cannot drink while on this medication.)
Anyway, to the point of this story.... ever since I drank last weekend I have been having thoughts of going off my meds just so I can drink again. I know this is CRAP!!!! I cannot do this but the urge is so strong. How can I stop this feeling? Why can't I be normal. What do I do? I feel so stupid. I am intellectual enough to know that going off my meds just to be able to drink is NOT RIGHT. I KNOW what happens when I do drink (I usually do stupid crap or get into fights) PLEASE HELP!!!!
Oh, and did I mention that both sides of my family has sever alcoholics? Yay for me!
~Sugar
P.S. I don't know why I wrote all of this on here, I guess becasue none of you know who I am so the fear of judgment is not an issue. And boy do I fear being judged! I was judged all my life in that stupid religion!!! This is the first time I have even admitted most of this to myself, and yes I did leave out a lot of bad stuff I did while drunk. It's embarrassing!
My background in a nutshell: I was raised in a fundamentalist religious group. I was kicked out of this religion when I was 17 for dating a non-believer. Needless to say I thought I was dead in the eyes of God after that.
I lost my way and soon discovered alcohol. I began drinking heavily, sometimes going to work still drunk from the night before. I couldn't seem to stop drinking after just a shot or two. My friends at the time would hide my bottle of my SoCo (my drink of choice) form me after I was drunkenly telling them I was already drunk, but then I'd find more to drink. I blacked out a lot, at least six times. (I honestly don't know how I escaped having something terrible happen to me or someone else?)
Fast-forward a few years I got pregnant. I stopped drinking. That was it. Not until my baby was over a year old did I drink again, but found that I still had little control of how much I would drink and how I'd behave while drunk. This scared me so I'd not drink for a while. (This happened with all three pregnancies. I'd stop drinking then start again.)
I married an abusive man who fathered my first two children. I divorced him and got my life straight, went to college and worked two jobs. I thought I was fixed but I still had urges to drink and occasionally I'd drink my vanilla extract since I didn't allow myself to buy alcohol. (Eventually I bought some and only allowed myself a shot or two.)
Shortly after that I met my husband. He was sober for three years. That was the first time I met someone who went through AA and I thought the whole thing sounded stupid to say the least. Now I felt GUILTY more that ever if I drank so I hid it form him. I didn't want him to say I had a problem and when he once mentioned it I told him how I can control myself since I hadn't drank since we were together. (That didn't last long either sine I then started drinking and hiding it from him- at that time I was a stay at home mom- but we were living with his parents who were also recovering alcoholics so I felt even more guilty. It was hell.)
Fast-forward to now: I am on an anti-anxiety medication that I CANNOT drink at all while taking. (Doctors orders.) Well, I was doing fine but ever since I was told I cannot drink I have more of an urge than ever to do just that. Commercials for liquor are torture. My mouth waters and I get a weird buzz feeling and just want a drop. It's sick. I am too proud to tell my husband what I go through. I am ashamed that I feel this way. I also did let myself have a wine-cooler (more like three) over the holiday weekend. BAD mistake since it got me all messed up (I now understand WHY I cannot drink while on this medication.)
Anyway, to the point of this story.... ever since I drank last weekend I have been having thoughts of going off my meds just so I can drink again. I know this is CRAP!!!! I cannot do this but the urge is so strong. How can I stop this feeling? Why can't I be normal. What do I do? I feel so stupid. I am intellectual enough to know that going off my meds just to be able to drink is NOT RIGHT. I KNOW what happens when I do drink (I usually do stupid crap or get into fights) PLEASE HELP!!!!
Oh, and did I mention that both sides of my family has sever alcoholics? Yay for me!
~Sugar
P.S. I don't know why I wrote all of this on here, I guess becasue none of you know who I am so the fear of judgment is not an issue. And boy do I fear being judged! I was judged all my life in that stupid religion!!! This is the first time I have even admitted most of this to myself, and yes I did leave out a lot of bad stuff I did while drunk. It's embarrassing!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Welcome to our group. Keep reading on here and see if you can relate to the stories on here. Usually what people find is they are alcoholic if you even took the time to research and post on here. Once you accept that, you can start taking action to fix it. You don't have to keep living this way as you will discover. For me, admitting to people in my real life that I needed help was the turning point for me. Your husband should completely understand since he has been where you are now. You will probably be pleasantly surprised how much support and love he shows you if you were to just tell him.
Again, welcome. Keep reading and stay with us. Nothing but love from all of us alcoholics here.
Again, welcome. Keep reading and stay with us. Nothing but love from all of us alcoholics here.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Welcome! I think you'll find a 'home' here with us. I wasn't able to get rid of that obsession about alcohol until I got some good recovery work under my belt. Simply not drinking did nothing to address my issues with drinking, if that makes sense. It's hardly to do with the alcohol itself usually. There's lots of ways to do it, but most of all you have to be willing to do anything it takes. Do you think you're there yet?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Well, whatever program of recovery you choose is up to you. I us AA for my program, but I know that Smacked does not. She can fill you in on what she does. But since your husband already does AA, that would probably be a good place to start. I really do think your husband will be able to help you a lot once you open up to him. The state of mind you are in now is no way to go through life. Help is available. And like Smacked said, you just have to be ready to do anything necessary to achieve sobriety.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
Welcome to SR! It would seem like AA would be a good place for you to start. It's a good program but doesn't suit everyone. But it is helpful and would be a good place to 'get your feet wet', so to speak. Everyone at a meeting has been in your shoes and will have lots of support and ideas on how to get and stay sober. Give it a shot. What do you have to lose but your addiction? 
It would seem like AA would be a good place for you to start. It's a good program but doesn't suit everyone. But it is helpful and would be a good place to 'get your feet wet', so to speak. Everyone at a meeting has been in your shoes and will have lots of support and ideas on how to get and stay sober. Give it a shot. What do you have to lose but your addiction? Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi and Welcome,
There is no need to fear judgement from any of us here. We have all been where you are and we know how hard it is to stop drinking.
I believe whole-heartedly that stopping drinking is not enough. Alcohol is not the problem. It's a symptom of the underlying problems which are what you need to deal with so that you can recover. Recovery will free you from the obsession.
There is no need to fear judgement from any of us here. We have all been where you are and we know how hard it is to stop drinking.
I believe whole-heartedly that stopping drinking is not enough. Alcohol is not the problem. It's a symptom of the underlying problems which are what you need to deal with so that you can recover. Recovery will free you from the obsession.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Sugar - I'm glad you're here and talking about your problem. It takes a lot of courage, I know, to tell people (even cyber ones!), but we all know how you're feeling. So will your husband, and he'll be so glad you want to stop now before things get any worse. It will be a big relief once you get honest with him, and it may even bring you closer together.
I still get urges to drink, too, but I just don't act on them. I know I can't drink without consequences and I've decided I really don't want those consequences anymore. It also helps to recognize and work on what we're feeling when we want a drink, so that we can figure out other ways to cope.
I wish you all the best. Sending prayers and hugs....
I still get urges to drink, too, but I just don't act on them. I know I can't drink without consequences and I've decided I really don't want those consequences anymore. It also helps to recognize and work on what we're feeling when we want a drink, so that we can figure out other ways to cope.
I wish you all the best. Sending prayers and hugs....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I managed to stop drinking during both of my pregnancies, too, and thought that my drinking career was just a 'phase' - I was surprised when it returned, full throttle, when I was a young mother. I've made many changes in my life, and AA helped me to start the process.
That your husband and your in-laws are all in recovery is wonderful - and I hope you feel comfortable enough to reach out for help. Please don't try to do this thing alone. You mentioned intellect - this isn't about how smart we are - alcoholism is a disease, and does not discriminate. It can affect anyone.
I'm so glad that you posted - and I wish you well.
That your husband and your in-laws are all in recovery is wonderful - and I hope you feel comfortable enough to reach out for help. Please don't try to do this thing alone. You mentioned intellect - this isn't about how smart we are - alcoholism is a disease, and does not discriminate. It can affect anyone.
I'm so glad that you posted - and I wish you well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 21
Thank you everyone for your well wishes and non-judgmental encouragement. I appreciate it more than I can put into words. 
Earlier today I got on the chat room (yes I had to guts to wonder into a chat room LOL) and met a few nice folks who encouraged me to speak to my husband. I had every intention to do so when he got home form work tonight but the "right time" never seems to happen.
I am at a loss as to how to bring this up without seeming like I am just seeking attention, as this is what I fear he will think I am just doing. I don't know if he really knows any of this. I don't know if he really knows me, or if he even WANTS to.
I know so much about him and his past but he doesn't ever seem to want to talk to me about mine. He just brushes it off I guess because of the religion I was raised in.
Earlier today I got on the chat room (yes I had to guts to wonder into a chat room LOL) and met a few nice folks who encouraged me to speak to my husband. I had every intention to do so when he got home form work tonight but the "right time" never seems to happen.
I am at a loss as to how to bring this up without seeming like I am just seeking attention, as this is what I fear he will think I am just doing. I don't know if he really knows any of this. I don't know if he really knows me, or if he even WANTS to.
I know so much about him and his past but he doesn't ever seem to want to talk to me about mine. He just brushes it off I guess because of the religion I was raised in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Well, you're right, you don't know what he's thinking, how he feels, or how he might react.
Could it be that you're scared to tell him - because then your secret is out? And that = no more drinking?
There's nothing wrong with being afraid - this is a big decision you are making!
Could it be that you're scared to tell him - because then your secret is out? And that = no more drinking?
There's nothing wrong with being afraid - this is a big decision you are making!
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
I understand being hesitant to discuss it with your husband. But things often don't turn out the way we think they will. We seem to create an idea of the bad reaction the other person will have, and many times that is the farthest thing from reality.
In my case, I didn't tell my fiancee I was serious about not drinking until Day 4, and I went to 13 AA meetings in those 4 days. But I didn't tell her because I had cried wolf too many times before, telling her I would stop drinking but only saying it because it was what she wanted to hear; I certainly had no intention of quitting, only of finding a better way to conceal my drinking. And hiding it from her did hurt me, because I knew how crazy I was for behaving in that manner. So I waited until I had a few days behind me (I had just gotten my 2nd DUI...she pretty much wanted me out of the house) and had attended some meetings and knew I was serious about recovery. But the only reason we even discussed it is because she asked me where I kept going when I was running off at all kinds of odd hours (meetings). I told her I was going to AA and that my drinking days were at an end. I told her that I knew she had heard this before, and that's why I hadn't said anything about it, I just did it. And she's been so thankful and supportive since that day, some 3.5 months ago.
My situation is obviously different than yours. My fiancee isn't in recovery (doesn't need to be...light drinker when out to dinner or out for "girls' night"). Your husband is. I have a feeling there's something quite serendipitous about being with someone who's been through what you're going through. Got to be an awful lot of experience and strength along with that.
Good luck to you, and welcome to our community. I hope you're able to find whatever will keep you away from that bottle.
In my case, I didn't tell my fiancee I was serious about not drinking until Day 4, and I went to 13 AA meetings in those 4 days. But I didn't tell her because I had cried wolf too many times before, telling her I would stop drinking but only saying it because it was what she wanted to hear; I certainly had no intention of quitting, only of finding a better way to conceal my drinking. And hiding it from her did hurt me, because I knew how crazy I was for behaving in that manner. So I waited until I had a few days behind me (I had just gotten my 2nd DUI...she pretty much wanted me out of the house) and had attended some meetings and knew I was serious about recovery. But the only reason we even discussed it is because she asked me where I kept going when I was running off at all kinds of odd hours (meetings). I told her I was going to AA and that my drinking days were at an end. I told her that I knew she had heard this before, and that's why I hadn't said anything about it, I just did it. And she's been so thankful and supportive since that day, some 3.5 months ago.
My situation is obviously different than yours. My fiancee isn't in recovery (doesn't need to be...light drinker when out to dinner or out for "girls' night"). Your husband is. I have a feeling there's something quite serendipitous about being with someone who's been through what you're going through. Got to be an awful lot of experience and strength along with that.
Good luck to you, and welcome to our community. I hope you're able to find whatever will keep you away from that bottle.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Sacramento CA
Posts: 33
I'm new to sobriety myself , but it sounds like you have a lot of good tools around you to make this work . Also you divorced an abusive man and struggled to better yourself in the past , I think you are stronger and more courageous than you give yourself credit for.
I can relate to not wanting to rely on others for help , I've always been this way myself and always think of all the bad reactions it will cause asking for help.
I think we just make things worse than they are , probably better to just give people a chance sometimes. Alcohol is a very powerful thing for me , not something that has been easy to say goodbye to , there's no shame in struggling to better yourself.
good luck.
I can relate to not wanting to rely on others for help , I've always been this way myself and always think of all the bad reactions it will cause asking for help.
I think we just make things worse than they are , probably better to just give people a chance sometimes. Alcohol is a very powerful thing for me , not something that has been easy to say goodbye to , there's no shame in struggling to better yourself.
good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Eastern USA
Posts: 38
Hi Sugar, welcome, I know what its like to have religion judge you. I had the same thing happen to me, even my family was n ot allowed to talk to me after they kicked me out (for playing in a rock band) I started drinking and waisted much of my life. I found this site, and although I am not perfect, I am learning allot here and getting support. You will be ok. You just keep trying. And glad you are here.
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