The Story of how it began.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 160
The Story of how it began.....
I have only been sober for 2 weeks but whilst trying to get to my day one I started to keep a computerised diary of how I was feeling - my way to vent. This also includes the story of how (and maybe why) I developed the realtionship I did with the bottle. This is not a story of recovery as I am still very much recovering. This is my story of how it began, and a strong message to all those that believe 'cutting down works' - It certainly didnt for me. This is quite long and I am sure you will not manage all of it, but here it is....
This diary is between the 29.04.2010 and 19.05.2010. My actual sobriety date is 25/06/2010.
29.04.2010
11am
Today I have made a decision to quit drinking. I have been drinking heavily for nearly 6 years now and have spent most of my time either drunk or feeling incrediably ill. It is affecting every part of my life.
It is affecting my ability to be a proper mum as I would rather be sitting in the kitchen drinking and smoking then sitting with my little boy. It is seriously affecting my ability to concentrate at work and do
my job because I feel so ill all of the time, and normally scared because I feel ill. The only reason I look forward to going home is so I can drink. As I feel ill all the time having a drink is the only way I can
kind of feel normal again. At least, until it wears off then I'm back to feeling ill. The quality of my life is rock bottom because of the evils of alcohol. And i have no one to blame but myself. I often wonder
how I went from not enjoying drinking and much prefering a coke in a pub, to being all consumed with when I can next have alcohol.
Everything i do is a chore. From opening my eyes, to getting out of bed. Getting ready, sitting in the car on the way to the station. The walk to the train in the morning isnt even real. Its almost like floating
and concentration is reserved for putting one foot in front of the other. I feel quite dizzy most of the time, and not really with it.
I am so fed up feeling ill. I look like rubbish most of the time. My eyes are a dull grey colour, my face is bloated and feels quite swollen. My neck and shoulders are stiff and sore, I cannot eat anything hard as
alcohol causes my teeth to grind while I sleep - so much so that eating the next day is quite painful. As well as the dull ache that is constantly in my face and around my jaw line.
I constantly feel anxious and when surrounded by vast amounts of people, insecure, small and quite scared really.
Basically I want my life back. I want to wake up in the morning and feel refreshed, and positive about my life. I want that feeling every day. I can only just about remember what it feels like its been so long.
Today, 29.04.2010 is going to be life changing for me, as I have made the most important decision of my life; to stop drinking. I am a heavy drinker, and am scared of the side effects I know I am going to
suffer (yes, I have been here before). I want to do everythng I can to minimise feeling ill because if the withdrawal is too intense then I will probably give in to the temptation of a drink which will only
temporarily help to ease it. And then back to square one again. I drink because I feel ill and I am ill because I drink. So, the key point for me is to minimise how ill I am going to feel. I know the first week is
going to be the hardest. It is not just about not drinking, but about breaking the habit of persistantly drinking as soon as I get home.
My plan to stop drinking involves drastically cutting down on what I currently consume on a weekly basis, until in 3 weeks time, starting 20th May, I will go through my first full week without an alcoholic
drink for as long as I can remember. I cannot wait for this week and am incrediably excited about having no alcohol in my house, and filling my life with other things other then getting smashed.
So, I have a plan. And I am going to stick to it. I have never been more determined to be sober. I am doing this for me. I am doing this for my son. I am doing this for my partner. I am pretty sure my partner knows I am
an alcoholic. I mean, how can he not know when he watches me consume at least a bottle of wine every evening, somethimes more. However, neither of us has ever spoken about my problem and he has never
interferred with or tried to stop me drinking. Today, 29.04.2010, I am going to drink 3 glasses of wine at specified times in the evening. I am going to do this for 7 days. This will then reduce to 2 glasses for a week, then 1
and then, none!!!
4pm
Well.....I went to lunch with my partner. Normally, I would get twitchy if I thought we were not going for a drink. I knew I wasnt going to let myself drink. It was quite difficult but for some reason the urge didnt feel as
strong as it normally does. I am glad that I did not give in and suggest going to the pub. At the moment I feel quite thirsty and have an ache in my back. My face feels quite puffy and I havent been able to do much work today.
I am hoping I will be strong enough to stick to my plan this evening of 3 glasses of wine, I really do. I desparately want to get better and this is the first step.
I know that i will be anxious walking to the station tonight. I know i will be withdrawn and a bit moody this evening. I know I am going to wake up between 3am and 4am in the morning feeling panicky and insecure.
It is because I know all of this that I am hoping I will be ok - well not ok but able to embrace it, accept it and deal with it. Because i know if I do, tomorrow night will be just a tiny bit easier. And the day after that easier
still. And waking up in the morning not feeling like complete rubbish will be reward in itself.
In my mind I am trying to run before i can walk. I want to be sober now. I want happiness now. I dont ever want to have to put another glass to my lips. But I know if I do not do this slowly then my chances of sobriety are
nill.
An alcoholic who is now in recovery told me once, 'An empty stomach craves a drink'. I have issues with my weight as I was once a big girl. I then went and lost 3 stone and am now a size 10 and much happier. The last
thing i want to do is gain weight as this may turn me back to drinking. So....... When I get home of an evening I am going to eat dinner with my little boy - every night! Normally he is in bed before I even start cooking my dinner.
The result being by the time my dinner is ready (9pm) I am so hungry that I have drunk at least 2 (sometimes 3) glasses of wine and an archers and lemonade and normally feel quite drunk. I eat small dinners anyway
which does little to soak this up, and then I carry on drinking, albeit at a slower rate. So by eating my dinner at 7.30pm, I am hoping this will help with the craving for a drink.
I will write tomorrow to let you know how I am getting on.
30.04.2010
10am
I did it!!!!! I only had 3 glasses of wine all evening. And despite reservations of a really tough night, I actually slept quite well. I would say the only major side effect I experianced was being irritable; I found myself
unnecessarily snapping at my partner. Other then this I think I coped very well.
I would like to cut down to 2 glasses but am worried if I do then I will experiance some of the side effects that I managed to escape last night.
I feel a lot more positive today. I am still quite tired but do not feel anywhere near as ill. I even got up in time to have a bath and do my hair - I never manage this. I am really looking forward to completing my first week
without alcohol - this starts on the 13th May. By the time I go on holiday I will have been sober for 2 weeks! I cannot remember the last time I went for 2 weeks without alcohol. I am excited about looking better, feeling
better and spending more time doing things that actually matter, like enjoying my son, studying for my exam.
I ate dinner with my son last night - I never do that during the week. I was determined to eat early in order to avoid cravings for a drink. It did help. But I was watching the clock for when I was allowed a drink. I would not
allow myself to have one until it got to the time when I was meant to. This is why I am looking forward to not drinking at all. It is difficult to limit your intake when you have had one drink. And it is difficult to view a glass
of wine as 'medicine' so to speak, in order to reduce effects of stopping all together.
I wonder if this evening will be trickier. I have 3 more days of 3 glasses a day and then it reduces to 2. Then its 6 days of 2 glasses a day then this reduces to 1. 4 days of this and nothing. I really hope the side effects will be
reduced by stopping in this way.
I know that once I have stopped there will be times when I probably feel quite down. I need to start thinking about how I am going to deal with these feelings. I need to devise a plan of how I intend to keep busy so I do
not drink.
10:45am
I have just been down for a cigarette at work - dont feel particualry good at the moment. Feel a bit shaky and faint. I think I need to cut out the fag breaks at work and see if that helps. Despite feeling a bit rubbish at the
moment, I am still really happy and excited about my plans to stop drinking, and am 100% commited to my plan. Nothing would make me have a drink or walk into a pub. The point is although I feel bad at the moment, it
is still not as bad as sitting at my desk hungover, and not knowing what to do with myself. The problem with being a heavy wine drinker, is that wine has alot of sugar in it. So it isnt just the come down from the alcohol, its
the drop in sugar levels as well. So being shaky and feeling faint is a feeling I will probably have for some time. Bring it on! I can do this.
14:30pm
Do not feel as shaky now but have a bit of a headache. Neck has just started playing up as well. I cannot wait for all this rubbish to be over. I am starting to feel concerned that I cannot do it at the moment, that I might not
succeed. I know when I get in tonight all I am going to want to do it drink. And as my partner is not at work today I will be home by about quarter past 6. I have no lunches to do and beds etc. Will be made. I have promised
myself I will not drink until 7pm. This is normally the opportunity I would get to drink. I am going to have to try and keep myself busy. Basically, this means I will be eating before I have a drink. That never happens. I
always have a least one on an empty tummy. This is going to be a test and probably a good thing. As 'an empty stomach craves a drink' and mine is going to have food in it.
I feel a bit achey at the moment. Shoulders and chest feel quite bruised. This weekend is going to be really difficult. I can only have 3 glasses of wine on Saturday and 3 on Sunday. Monday will be even more of a chore as I
am only allowed 2 glasses. ArHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I hope I can do this I really want to. By next Sunday I am down to just 1 glass a day - hardly worth drinking if your an addict.
04/05/2010
09.30am
Did not do well. Not well at all really. On Saturday evening I drunk 4 glasses of wine, 4 or 5 on Sunday and yestarday was pretty much back to normal, consuming both wine and Archers. Hangover not too bad today, however I
feel quite low for not sticking to my plan. Cutting down does not appear to be an option for me. If I am going to stop, then I need to stop! Altogether. And then somehow find a way of dealing with the horrible side effects I
am going to suffer - mainly during the first week.
When I cut right down on my drinking I couldnt sleep of a night. Not much sleep at all. Last night I slept all the way through as I had been drinking. Yet I feel more tired this morning - despite sleeping.
I have not given up on my dream of sobriety. I am going to try again today. Only I am just not going to drink. Not one. Getting drunk starts with the first drink. So if I dont have the first drink, I cannot get drunk. If I dont have the
first drink I cannot get a taste for it and want another one.
It is not going to be easy. I am going to get home tonight and want to drink. It will be the first thing I want to do. But if I can fight that urge. If I dont give in and have that first drink, then I should be able to go through the
evening without one.
I am studying for an exam at the moment. I am going to use my studying to help take my mind off of drinking. I am going to have earlier nights; once I am in bed then the day is done. I would not have had a drink.
I am going to do this one day at a time. Just for today, I am not going to have a drink. Just for today.
10/05/2010
11.40 am
Back to square one. Drunk over a bottle of wine last night and a large Archers and lemonade. Feel like rubbish today. And like I have let myself down. I didnt feel well over the weekend - not sure what it was. So I drank
to try and make myself feel better. Now today I feel ill and hungover. More desparate then ever to stop drinking but am very scared about what will happen to me. I phoned NHS over the weekend and spoke to them
about how much I was drinking. They recommend cutting down by 10% a day until.....nothing. But to only cut down by 10% means more hangovers until it is down to a low level where I do not feel so ill the next day. Dont
really want o only cut down by 10% - really just want to stop. When you are addicted to something cutting down does not seem possible. Its like giving up smoking - very few people manage to cut down so they choose to
stop altogether. The thing with smoking is, stopping is no where near as dangerous. I think in order for me to kick my drinking habit I have to take myself back to when it started. And why is started. Then I need to
address these issues in order to enusre I dont go back to the bottle. And to give myself renewed confidence that I can do this.
Right, I started to enjoy drinking when I was about 21 years old. After I split up with my little boys father this was a very dark time for me. I had no job, lived in a council flat and felt that my life was over. I didnt enjoy being
a mum. My mum used to have my my little boy from Friday night through to Sunday morning every week without fail. This was the only part of the week I used to look forward to. I actually went out more after my little boy
was born then I did before. Because I felt so restricted. So every Friday and Saturday night I used to get ready and go out to sams nightclub with Kate and drink. I never had more then 4 drinks, I never got overally drunk and
I never made myself sick. But i used to really look forward to the weekends.
Then at long last I got a job. Working back in the city. I started to go to lunch every day at the pub with people i worked with. I was a light weight then and 1 glass of wine was enough to make me feel quite drunk. I liked the
feeling it gave me. A carefree feeling. I could forget I was a mum, could forget where I lived, forget my broken heart that refused to mend itself. But I never drank at home. It was always lunchtimes at work. But then, when people
didnt suggest going to the pub I would feel a bit deflated. I wanted to go every day. Then....I met Robert. I had known Robert for a long time, had fancied him before I even knew my little boys Dad. It wasnt long before we were
an item and thats when the problem really started. It turned out that I was still in love with my little boys Dad. And it turned out that Robert was a heavy drinker. Whoops!!!! It started off with just bringing a bottle of wine
which we would share of an evening. I started to get hooked on this nice feeling having a drink gave me - this relaxed carefree feeling. 1 bottle of wine quickly turned into 2 bottles between us; and then the hangovers started.
I dont think I had ever really had a hangover before. I was waking up feeling ill, and snappy. The drinking was starting to incrase even more. I put a lot of weight on which completely shattered my confidence. I couldnt even look at
myself in the mirror. By this point, I was overweight, bloated from the drink, I had a rash on my face (from the drink), and my health was starting to suffer.
The problem started with my neck. I woke up one morning and the side of my neck was swollen and felt kind of numb. By lunchtime I was so scared that I had my first trip to hospital. My first trip of many. At the time I had no idea and it did not
occur to me that drink was powerful and evil enough to cause even half of what started to happen to me. The glands under my tongue were swollen, I had weired sensations down my arms and sometimes my legs. I had
terrible panic attacks and my neck was so stiff it felt like it was in a brace. I had 60 days off work sick that year and about 25 trips to hospitals, doctors and private consultants, determined to find out what was wrong with me. In
the meantime I became more dependant on alcohol, relying on it to help me feel normal and function. I remember saying that if I ever find out what is making me ill I would just stop it. I never thought I was going to get better.
Well, I was right on that count because I am still very ill. But then I had the breakthrough; it dawned on me why I was so ill - it was as a direct result of the drink. So all I had to do to get completely better was stop. Now that sounds
simple enough. Except stopping was proving to be a lot more difficult then I had anticipated. Then one day I did it. I just stopped. For 3 months. I lost weight, started eating healthy and I did not touch a drink. Even after 3 months
I was not feeling normal. But, alot better then what I had been feeling. The problem was, I was still unhappy. I was with someone that I didnt love, and still not enjoying being a mum. I was still wrapped up in my ex partner and
very much feeling sprry for myself. I had stopped drinking, but had not fixed what was causing me to drink. I told myself I would not drink for 3 months. And I didnt. The problem was I was counting down each painful day without a
drink. As soon as I reached 3 months, I went to the pub and had a large glass of wine. Within days I was back to square one, drinking even heavier then before.
All Robert and I did was argue. That was my fault. I was a drunk, and taking out all the reasons I was drinking on him. So he left me. Even though I did not love Robert, I cried when he left. I was lonely and drinking on my own.
Then very shortly after I started seeing someone who I had been friens with for a long time but had never fancied, and still didnt fancy. But it was someone to drink with and to stop me feeling lonely. It wasnt long before Steve noticed
I drank far too much. He didnt sa anything at first, but edventually he suggested I cut down my drinking. Who did he think he was. I didnt want to. I left Steve to be with a man alot older then me who I am still with now. However,
I do love Ian. I think Ian knows I have a problem - we have both spent a lot of money on MY drinking habit (he isnt a heavy drinker).
But I want to stop - more now then ever. I have been drinking to blot out the pain. The pain of being a mother, the pain of losing Martyn, the pain of where I lived and the pain of being me. The thing is I am not in the bad place I used
to be in. I absolutly adore my little boy and love being a mum. I would rather be with my son then out and do not really go out anymore - through choice. I am happy with my partner, I have a nice home and a good job that pays good money.
My heart is no longer broken. Yet with all of these positive changes I still choose to drink. Even though my life is so much better. It doesnt make sense.
I do not think i ealise just how far I've come. The main problem now I beleive is the way I physically feel when i do not have a drink. Depressed, scared and anxious. Not sure what to do with the time I would nomally spend drinking.
I guess none of this is necessarily bad news. Because if I have changed a lot of the things in my life that caused me to drink the the first place, then ther is nothing to stop me from facing the 'physical' effects of drinking head on and
combatting them once and for all.
All I want in my life at the moment is to be sober. And i mean sober. T-Total. I just have to be strong enough to do it. And with everything I have dealt with - I beleive I am.
So tonight.....I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK!!
12/05/2010
11.30am
Feel very ill today. Had a late nmight night and was pretty much drinking until i went to bed. Today I feel and look bloated, my eyes feel heavy and I feel incrediably hungover. I seem to be writing the same stuff every day. I will not drink, I will not drink,
I will not drink. Then I go home..........................and drink!!!! I need help. And I have no idea about how to get it. I cannot go into rehab because of my son. I guess I could fill my lunchtimes in London with visiting AA. See if its helps. One
things for sure, I do not think I am going to be able to do this alone. I really want to. Just cant see it happening. I am going to try again because all I think about is being sober. And I do really want it. But stopping altogether is going
to be dangerous for me. And cutting down is very hard because once youve had one.....well the rest is history.
17/05/2010
14.10pm
Monday again. Do not know how I am sitting here. Feeling very ill. Drank about a bottle and a half of wine yestarday and binged on rubbish food. Just ate a mars bar because I feel so ill I do not know what to do with myself. I just want to go
home. Really want to stop. Every morning I wake up feeling incrediably ill wishing I could stop.
My drinking has now got so bad that I am back to not caring what I eat. Last time I was this bad I put on a lot of weight. I do not want to stop caring about myself.
I am going to have to stop by cutting down. God I hope I can do this. I will cut down to 4 glasses for 3 days, then 3 then 2 then 1. This means it will take me 12 days to reach sobriety. My last drink will be on 28th May - the day I fly on holiday.
Right now I am just looking forward to one day without alcohol.
19/05/2010
16.30pm
I saw my ex boyfriend today, Robert. Not to talk to, just from a distance. This terriable diease of alcohol developed when I met Robert. Today, over 3 years after the relationship ended, I am still an alcoholic but he looked quite healthly. And happy
with his new girlfriend. The girlfriend bit doenst bother me. The fact that I am ill and he is better really bothers me. I do not want to be ill anymore. Am starting the whole cutting thing down again. I had a large glass of wine at lunch as I felt so
ill I doubt I would have been able to stay at work without it. However, I am having 3 glasses tonight and am gradually going to try and cut this down gradually over a 12 day period. This means drinking very little to nothing whilst on holiday.
I am hoping that I can do this. I just seem to keep thinking about it but not doing anything about it. I hope when I write tomorrow I will be able to say 'last night I only had 3 drinks'. We will see....
And thats it - thats everything I wrote. And it still took me over a month to find my day 1. But thanks to all the people on this site, I have my day 1. Special thanks to Mamm and Grace 2 for helping me to get my Day 1. I will never let my day 1 go. Because I will never pick up that first drink.
This diary is between the 29.04.2010 and 19.05.2010. My actual sobriety date is 25/06/2010.
29.04.2010
11am
Today I have made a decision to quit drinking. I have been drinking heavily for nearly 6 years now and have spent most of my time either drunk or feeling incrediably ill. It is affecting every part of my life.
It is affecting my ability to be a proper mum as I would rather be sitting in the kitchen drinking and smoking then sitting with my little boy. It is seriously affecting my ability to concentrate at work and do
my job because I feel so ill all of the time, and normally scared because I feel ill. The only reason I look forward to going home is so I can drink. As I feel ill all the time having a drink is the only way I can
kind of feel normal again. At least, until it wears off then I'm back to feeling ill. The quality of my life is rock bottom because of the evils of alcohol. And i have no one to blame but myself. I often wonder
how I went from not enjoying drinking and much prefering a coke in a pub, to being all consumed with when I can next have alcohol.
Everything i do is a chore. From opening my eyes, to getting out of bed. Getting ready, sitting in the car on the way to the station. The walk to the train in the morning isnt even real. Its almost like floating
and concentration is reserved for putting one foot in front of the other. I feel quite dizzy most of the time, and not really with it.
I am so fed up feeling ill. I look like rubbish most of the time. My eyes are a dull grey colour, my face is bloated and feels quite swollen. My neck and shoulders are stiff and sore, I cannot eat anything hard as
alcohol causes my teeth to grind while I sleep - so much so that eating the next day is quite painful. As well as the dull ache that is constantly in my face and around my jaw line.
I constantly feel anxious and when surrounded by vast amounts of people, insecure, small and quite scared really.
Basically I want my life back. I want to wake up in the morning and feel refreshed, and positive about my life. I want that feeling every day. I can only just about remember what it feels like its been so long.
Today, 29.04.2010 is going to be life changing for me, as I have made the most important decision of my life; to stop drinking. I am a heavy drinker, and am scared of the side effects I know I am going to
suffer (yes, I have been here before). I want to do everythng I can to minimise feeling ill because if the withdrawal is too intense then I will probably give in to the temptation of a drink which will only
temporarily help to ease it. And then back to square one again. I drink because I feel ill and I am ill because I drink. So, the key point for me is to minimise how ill I am going to feel. I know the first week is
going to be the hardest. It is not just about not drinking, but about breaking the habit of persistantly drinking as soon as I get home.
My plan to stop drinking involves drastically cutting down on what I currently consume on a weekly basis, until in 3 weeks time, starting 20th May, I will go through my first full week without an alcoholic
drink for as long as I can remember. I cannot wait for this week and am incrediably excited about having no alcohol in my house, and filling my life with other things other then getting smashed.
So, I have a plan. And I am going to stick to it. I have never been more determined to be sober. I am doing this for me. I am doing this for my son. I am doing this for my partner. I am pretty sure my partner knows I am
an alcoholic. I mean, how can he not know when he watches me consume at least a bottle of wine every evening, somethimes more. However, neither of us has ever spoken about my problem and he has never
interferred with or tried to stop me drinking. Today, 29.04.2010, I am going to drink 3 glasses of wine at specified times in the evening. I am going to do this for 7 days. This will then reduce to 2 glasses for a week, then 1
and then, none!!!
4pm
Well.....I went to lunch with my partner. Normally, I would get twitchy if I thought we were not going for a drink. I knew I wasnt going to let myself drink. It was quite difficult but for some reason the urge didnt feel as
strong as it normally does. I am glad that I did not give in and suggest going to the pub. At the moment I feel quite thirsty and have an ache in my back. My face feels quite puffy and I havent been able to do much work today.
I am hoping I will be strong enough to stick to my plan this evening of 3 glasses of wine, I really do. I desparately want to get better and this is the first step.
I know that i will be anxious walking to the station tonight. I know i will be withdrawn and a bit moody this evening. I know I am going to wake up between 3am and 4am in the morning feeling panicky and insecure.
It is because I know all of this that I am hoping I will be ok - well not ok but able to embrace it, accept it and deal with it. Because i know if I do, tomorrow night will be just a tiny bit easier. And the day after that easier
still. And waking up in the morning not feeling like complete rubbish will be reward in itself.
In my mind I am trying to run before i can walk. I want to be sober now. I want happiness now. I dont ever want to have to put another glass to my lips. But I know if I do not do this slowly then my chances of sobriety are
nill.
An alcoholic who is now in recovery told me once, 'An empty stomach craves a drink'. I have issues with my weight as I was once a big girl. I then went and lost 3 stone and am now a size 10 and much happier. The last
thing i want to do is gain weight as this may turn me back to drinking. So....... When I get home of an evening I am going to eat dinner with my little boy - every night! Normally he is in bed before I even start cooking my dinner.
The result being by the time my dinner is ready (9pm) I am so hungry that I have drunk at least 2 (sometimes 3) glasses of wine and an archers and lemonade and normally feel quite drunk. I eat small dinners anyway
which does little to soak this up, and then I carry on drinking, albeit at a slower rate. So by eating my dinner at 7.30pm, I am hoping this will help with the craving for a drink.
I will write tomorrow to let you know how I am getting on.
30.04.2010
10am
I did it!!!!! I only had 3 glasses of wine all evening. And despite reservations of a really tough night, I actually slept quite well. I would say the only major side effect I experianced was being irritable; I found myself
unnecessarily snapping at my partner. Other then this I think I coped very well.
I would like to cut down to 2 glasses but am worried if I do then I will experiance some of the side effects that I managed to escape last night.
I feel a lot more positive today. I am still quite tired but do not feel anywhere near as ill. I even got up in time to have a bath and do my hair - I never manage this. I am really looking forward to completing my first week
without alcohol - this starts on the 13th May. By the time I go on holiday I will have been sober for 2 weeks! I cannot remember the last time I went for 2 weeks without alcohol. I am excited about looking better, feeling
better and spending more time doing things that actually matter, like enjoying my son, studying for my exam.
I ate dinner with my son last night - I never do that during the week. I was determined to eat early in order to avoid cravings for a drink. It did help. But I was watching the clock for when I was allowed a drink. I would not
allow myself to have one until it got to the time when I was meant to. This is why I am looking forward to not drinking at all. It is difficult to limit your intake when you have had one drink. And it is difficult to view a glass
of wine as 'medicine' so to speak, in order to reduce effects of stopping all together.
I wonder if this evening will be trickier. I have 3 more days of 3 glasses a day and then it reduces to 2. Then its 6 days of 2 glasses a day then this reduces to 1. 4 days of this and nothing. I really hope the side effects will be
reduced by stopping in this way.
I know that once I have stopped there will be times when I probably feel quite down. I need to start thinking about how I am going to deal with these feelings. I need to devise a plan of how I intend to keep busy so I do
not drink.
10:45am
I have just been down for a cigarette at work - dont feel particualry good at the moment. Feel a bit shaky and faint. I think I need to cut out the fag breaks at work and see if that helps. Despite feeling a bit rubbish at the
moment, I am still really happy and excited about my plans to stop drinking, and am 100% commited to my plan. Nothing would make me have a drink or walk into a pub. The point is although I feel bad at the moment, it
is still not as bad as sitting at my desk hungover, and not knowing what to do with myself. The problem with being a heavy wine drinker, is that wine has alot of sugar in it. So it isnt just the come down from the alcohol, its
the drop in sugar levels as well. So being shaky and feeling faint is a feeling I will probably have for some time. Bring it on! I can do this.
14:30pm
Do not feel as shaky now but have a bit of a headache. Neck has just started playing up as well. I cannot wait for all this rubbish to be over. I am starting to feel concerned that I cannot do it at the moment, that I might not
succeed. I know when I get in tonight all I am going to want to do it drink. And as my partner is not at work today I will be home by about quarter past 6. I have no lunches to do and beds etc. Will be made. I have promised
myself I will not drink until 7pm. This is normally the opportunity I would get to drink. I am going to have to try and keep myself busy. Basically, this means I will be eating before I have a drink. That never happens. I
always have a least one on an empty tummy. This is going to be a test and probably a good thing. As 'an empty stomach craves a drink' and mine is going to have food in it.
I feel a bit achey at the moment. Shoulders and chest feel quite bruised. This weekend is going to be really difficult. I can only have 3 glasses of wine on Saturday and 3 on Sunday. Monday will be even more of a chore as I
am only allowed 2 glasses. ArHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I hope I can do this I really want to. By next Sunday I am down to just 1 glass a day - hardly worth drinking if your an addict.
04/05/2010
09.30am
Did not do well. Not well at all really. On Saturday evening I drunk 4 glasses of wine, 4 or 5 on Sunday and yestarday was pretty much back to normal, consuming both wine and Archers. Hangover not too bad today, however I
feel quite low for not sticking to my plan. Cutting down does not appear to be an option for me. If I am going to stop, then I need to stop! Altogether. And then somehow find a way of dealing with the horrible side effects I
am going to suffer - mainly during the first week.
When I cut right down on my drinking I couldnt sleep of a night. Not much sleep at all. Last night I slept all the way through as I had been drinking. Yet I feel more tired this morning - despite sleeping.
I have not given up on my dream of sobriety. I am going to try again today. Only I am just not going to drink. Not one. Getting drunk starts with the first drink. So if I dont have the first drink, I cannot get drunk. If I dont have the
first drink I cannot get a taste for it and want another one.
It is not going to be easy. I am going to get home tonight and want to drink. It will be the first thing I want to do. But if I can fight that urge. If I dont give in and have that first drink, then I should be able to go through the
evening without one.
I am studying for an exam at the moment. I am going to use my studying to help take my mind off of drinking. I am going to have earlier nights; once I am in bed then the day is done. I would not have had a drink.
I am going to do this one day at a time. Just for today, I am not going to have a drink. Just for today.
10/05/2010
11.40 am
Back to square one. Drunk over a bottle of wine last night and a large Archers and lemonade. Feel like rubbish today. And like I have let myself down. I didnt feel well over the weekend - not sure what it was. So I drank
to try and make myself feel better. Now today I feel ill and hungover. More desparate then ever to stop drinking but am very scared about what will happen to me. I phoned NHS over the weekend and spoke to them
about how much I was drinking. They recommend cutting down by 10% a day until.....nothing. But to only cut down by 10% means more hangovers until it is down to a low level where I do not feel so ill the next day. Dont
really want o only cut down by 10% - really just want to stop. When you are addicted to something cutting down does not seem possible. Its like giving up smoking - very few people manage to cut down so they choose to
stop altogether. The thing with smoking is, stopping is no where near as dangerous. I think in order for me to kick my drinking habit I have to take myself back to when it started. And why is started. Then I need to
address these issues in order to enusre I dont go back to the bottle. And to give myself renewed confidence that I can do this.
Right, I started to enjoy drinking when I was about 21 years old. After I split up with my little boys father this was a very dark time for me. I had no job, lived in a council flat and felt that my life was over. I didnt enjoy being
a mum. My mum used to have my my little boy from Friday night through to Sunday morning every week without fail. This was the only part of the week I used to look forward to. I actually went out more after my little boy
was born then I did before. Because I felt so restricted. So every Friday and Saturday night I used to get ready and go out to sams nightclub with Kate and drink. I never had more then 4 drinks, I never got overally drunk and
I never made myself sick. But i used to really look forward to the weekends.
Then at long last I got a job. Working back in the city. I started to go to lunch every day at the pub with people i worked with. I was a light weight then and 1 glass of wine was enough to make me feel quite drunk. I liked the
feeling it gave me. A carefree feeling. I could forget I was a mum, could forget where I lived, forget my broken heart that refused to mend itself. But I never drank at home. It was always lunchtimes at work. But then, when people
didnt suggest going to the pub I would feel a bit deflated. I wanted to go every day. Then....I met Robert. I had known Robert for a long time, had fancied him before I even knew my little boys Dad. It wasnt long before we were
an item and thats when the problem really started. It turned out that I was still in love with my little boys Dad. And it turned out that Robert was a heavy drinker. Whoops!!!! It started off with just bringing a bottle of wine
which we would share of an evening. I started to get hooked on this nice feeling having a drink gave me - this relaxed carefree feeling. 1 bottle of wine quickly turned into 2 bottles between us; and then the hangovers started.
I dont think I had ever really had a hangover before. I was waking up feeling ill, and snappy. The drinking was starting to incrase even more. I put a lot of weight on which completely shattered my confidence. I couldnt even look at
myself in the mirror. By this point, I was overweight, bloated from the drink, I had a rash on my face (from the drink), and my health was starting to suffer.
The problem started with my neck. I woke up one morning and the side of my neck was swollen and felt kind of numb. By lunchtime I was so scared that I had my first trip to hospital. My first trip of many. At the time I had no idea and it did not
occur to me that drink was powerful and evil enough to cause even half of what started to happen to me. The glands under my tongue were swollen, I had weired sensations down my arms and sometimes my legs. I had
terrible panic attacks and my neck was so stiff it felt like it was in a brace. I had 60 days off work sick that year and about 25 trips to hospitals, doctors and private consultants, determined to find out what was wrong with me. In
the meantime I became more dependant on alcohol, relying on it to help me feel normal and function. I remember saying that if I ever find out what is making me ill I would just stop it. I never thought I was going to get better.
Well, I was right on that count because I am still very ill. But then I had the breakthrough; it dawned on me why I was so ill - it was as a direct result of the drink. So all I had to do to get completely better was stop. Now that sounds
simple enough. Except stopping was proving to be a lot more difficult then I had anticipated. Then one day I did it. I just stopped. For 3 months. I lost weight, started eating healthy and I did not touch a drink. Even after 3 months
I was not feeling normal. But, alot better then what I had been feeling. The problem was, I was still unhappy. I was with someone that I didnt love, and still not enjoying being a mum. I was still wrapped up in my ex partner and
very much feeling sprry for myself. I had stopped drinking, but had not fixed what was causing me to drink. I told myself I would not drink for 3 months. And I didnt. The problem was I was counting down each painful day without a
drink. As soon as I reached 3 months, I went to the pub and had a large glass of wine. Within days I was back to square one, drinking even heavier then before.
All Robert and I did was argue. That was my fault. I was a drunk, and taking out all the reasons I was drinking on him. So he left me. Even though I did not love Robert, I cried when he left. I was lonely and drinking on my own.
Then very shortly after I started seeing someone who I had been friens with for a long time but had never fancied, and still didnt fancy. But it was someone to drink with and to stop me feeling lonely. It wasnt long before Steve noticed
I drank far too much. He didnt sa anything at first, but edventually he suggested I cut down my drinking. Who did he think he was. I didnt want to. I left Steve to be with a man alot older then me who I am still with now. However,
I do love Ian. I think Ian knows I have a problem - we have both spent a lot of money on MY drinking habit (he isnt a heavy drinker).
But I want to stop - more now then ever. I have been drinking to blot out the pain. The pain of being a mother, the pain of losing Martyn, the pain of where I lived and the pain of being me. The thing is I am not in the bad place I used
to be in. I absolutly adore my little boy and love being a mum. I would rather be with my son then out and do not really go out anymore - through choice. I am happy with my partner, I have a nice home and a good job that pays good money.
My heart is no longer broken. Yet with all of these positive changes I still choose to drink. Even though my life is so much better. It doesnt make sense.
I do not think i ealise just how far I've come. The main problem now I beleive is the way I physically feel when i do not have a drink. Depressed, scared and anxious. Not sure what to do with the time I would nomally spend drinking.
I guess none of this is necessarily bad news. Because if I have changed a lot of the things in my life that caused me to drink the the first place, then ther is nothing to stop me from facing the 'physical' effects of drinking head on and
combatting them once and for all.
All I want in my life at the moment is to be sober. And i mean sober. T-Total. I just have to be strong enough to do it. And with everything I have dealt with - I beleive I am.
So tonight.....I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK!!
12/05/2010
11.30am
Feel very ill today. Had a late nmight night and was pretty much drinking until i went to bed. Today I feel and look bloated, my eyes feel heavy and I feel incrediably hungover. I seem to be writing the same stuff every day. I will not drink, I will not drink,
I will not drink. Then I go home..........................and drink!!!! I need help. And I have no idea about how to get it. I cannot go into rehab because of my son. I guess I could fill my lunchtimes in London with visiting AA. See if its helps. One
things for sure, I do not think I am going to be able to do this alone. I really want to. Just cant see it happening. I am going to try again because all I think about is being sober. And I do really want it. But stopping altogether is going
to be dangerous for me. And cutting down is very hard because once youve had one.....well the rest is history.
17/05/2010
14.10pm
Monday again. Do not know how I am sitting here. Feeling very ill. Drank about a bottle and a half of wine yestarday and binged on rubbish food. Just ate a mars bar because I feel so ill I do not know what to do with myself. I just want to go
home. Really want to stop. Every morning I wake up feeling incrediably ill wishing I could stop.
My drinking has now got so bad that I am back to not caring what I eat. Last time I was this bad I put on a lot of weight. I do not want to stop caring about myself.
I am going to have to stop by cutting down. God I hope I can do this. I will cut down to 4 glasses for 3 days, then 3 then 2 then 1. This means it will take me 12 days to reach sobriety. My last drink will be on 28th May - the day I fly on holiday.
Right now I am just looking forward to one day without alcohol.
19/05/2010
16.30pm
I saw my ex boyfriend today, Robert. Not to talk to, just from a distance. This terriable diease of alcohol developed when I met Robert. Today, over 3 years after the relationship ended, I am still an alcoholic but he looked quite healthly. And happy
with his new girlfriend. The girlfriend bit doenst bother me. The fact that I am ill and he is better really bothers me. I do not want to be ill anymore. Am starting the whole cutting thing down again. I had a large glass of wine at lunch as I felt so
ill I doubt I would have been able to stay at work without it. However, I am having 3 glasses tonight and am gradually going to try and cut this down gradually over a 12 day period. This means drinking very little to nothing whilst on holiday.
I am hoping that I can do this. I just seem to keep thinking about it but not doing anything about it. I hope when I write tomorrow I will be able to say 'last night I only had 3 drinks'. We will see....
And thats it - thats everything I wrote. And it still took me over a month to find my day 1. But thanks to all the people on this site, I have my day 1. Special thanks to Mamm and Grace 2 for helping me to get my Day 1. I will never let my day 1 go. Because I will never pick up that first drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
thank you for sharing all this with us... You have inspired me to write my own diary about my recovery too.
So weird we are... I do write a diary, not every day, from time to time. Have always been scared of not keeping memories, collected moments... But I have never ever written about my alcohol problem despite alcohol controlling so much of my life. Isn't it so clear that we are not hiding from others but ourselves? I wrote a diary for the last 20 years and never put a word about the most important thing.
will change this today. Thank you for this again.
So weird we are... I do write a diary, not every day, from time to time. Have always been scared of not keeping memories, collected moments... But I have never ever written about my alcohol problem despite alcohol controlling so much of my life. Isn't it so clear that we are not hiding from others but ourselves? I wrote a diary for the last 20 years and never put a word about the most important thing.
will change this today. Thank you for this again.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Thanks almay - Wow, your diary takes me right back to my last year of drinking: making promises in the morning and drinking at night. And all the "plans" I would make to insure I only had 3 or 4 drinks instead of 6 or 10. Once I started, it always seemed like "one more wouldn't hurt" until the bottle was empty.
Thanks for sharing this with us and I hope you're doing well, too!
Thanks for sharing this with us and I hope you're doing well, too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 64
hi Almay! Thanks for sharing your story. It takes us a while to get to the place of stopping even when we know we have to for a while. It took me months of what you described before i could get to my first day sober. how are you doing ??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
Almay - quite a series of events and sounds so familiar to my struggles with beer. I'd tell myself "this will be the last day" or "after this 12 pack it's all done". But it never happens as planned because I need that beer to feel normal again.
I could just die right now on my first day and know that after about three beers I'd feel fine. But I'm not going to do it today, tomorrow or the next day!
I did tell myself a couple days ago that I'd start cutting back or at least not drink in the morning before work. But if there's any beer around, I'll drink IT!
Good luck to you and thanks for sharing your story.
I could just die right now on my first day and know that after about three beers I'd feel fine. But I'm not going to do it today, tomorrow or the next day!
I did tell myself a couple days ago that I'd start cutting back or at least not drink in the morning before work. But if there's any beer around, I'll drink IT!
Good luck to you and thanks for sharing your story.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
