NoHo

I have a good friend with whom I've shared many a drink. He seems put off by my current sobriety, constantly second-guessing whether I haven't "slipped" at all during the past few months. I'm not sure of the cause for the discomfort, although I could speculate that it makes him less comfortable with his own behavior. In any event, he's asked me a few times (usually when we're out) whether I'm "still on the wagon". For whatever reason, it irks the hell out of me. It seems to be chiding, turning not-drinking into weakness instead of strength.

Can anyone else relate?

Anna

It does sound like he could be uncomfortable with the progress you are making and that you are sober. It could be because of his own drinking habits or because he thinks you will change.

Why not talk to him and tell him how you feel?

Dee74

I had one friend in particular like that.

Eventually I figured I was doing right by me - if he was unsettled or irked by it, it was his problem, not mine.

D

least

I agree. I'd think that your being sober is 'bothering' him for some reason, not the least of which could be his own drinking habits.

As to the 'wagon' phrase... it's only words and as long as I'm sober I don't care what anyone calls it.

Toronto68

Some people (continuing to drink) feel like they are around a judge (the ex-drinker), so they throw in an attitude and comments to create a comfortable tone for them, so they will not feel judged. By asking the question about whether you have gone back to drinking or not, like he's been programmed to ask it, that's a sign of that for me. (Not a 100% certainty, but it could be.) Some people even resent others who quit drinking. Using the colloquial expression can be a part of this attitude of his, although some people would rather not sound so literal - or clinical. It can also be throwing out a dare or trivializing it, putting judgment safely in your lap instead of his.

Some people need a middle finger. Or one's absence.

Stepping outside that though, I would say it is also important to examine your own feelings and thoughts too. Do you look for it, are you being over-conscious about awkward topics, and so on; so that you free yourself of resentment. Resentment is very compatible with alcoholism. At some point you may want to decide whether you should be around each other.

All your own thinking to do, and you will know how to reach the conclusion better than I would.

HumbleBee

When you posted:

could it be that this is not your first time getting sober, he may have seen you relapse in the past, he is unsure that this attempt will stick, yet you are confident that you mean it this time and that's what bothers you?

I mean no harm or foul here. Just wondering if his skeptism about your sobriety is more at issue than the phrase because, yeah, they're only words.

Actually, the term on the wagon is used in alot of ways besides drinking; from quitting smoking to people who are in Weight Watchers and cheated (I had a piece of cheesecake yesterday, so I'm back on the wagon today).

If it still bothers you, next time he asks, tell him that you don't like it.

You can be assertive without being aggressive in making your point.

I do agree with everyone that your continued sobriety makes him uncomfortable as it could mean that he should take a look at himself. That commonly happens with old friends we used to drink with.

smacked

I wouldn't be offended by the words used but by the person doing the chiding. When I sobered up I also got rid of the toxic people in my life..doesn't sound like a friend to me.

artsoul

Just a thought: I think people who really enjoy drinking (like the ones we always hung around with!) can't quite believe we've really got a problem, or that we mean we're not drinking for good. When I quit smoking a couple years ago for 8 months, I had other smoker-friends ask me all the time "are you still not smoking?" I think it's because they're not sure if they should light up in my presence, offer me one, or want to talk about how I quit.

In any case, I never understood the whole "wagon" thing either. It might be interesting to Google it.

topspin

Know what ya mean , NoHo.

I hear that expression too, and it seems archane (sp?). I really thought it was some Southern euphemism at first. ( I've heard a ton ! ) Just Googled it (*****-ed , actually, lo )
....late nineteenth century expression. My Uncle used to tell me he'd taken the "pledge" .......finally understand what that means.

I wouldn't let it bother you brother, ....I think it's used plenty by folks who have quit drinking over and over , and over, .....and over again. Sort of like they plan on it as a lifetime process. Thank goodness that kind of thinking has nothing to do with successful recovery.

Sober, ...we have the opportunity to live an unchained and joyous life, "second to none "
.

solareclipse

I think what is annoying about it is that it somehow downplays the seriousness of what you're doing. Also, the fact that he keeps asking you implies that he thinks someday you'll be "off the wagon." If it really bothers you/continues to happen and bother you, you might reiterate that your situation is serious and it bothers you when he pokes you about it.

ElegantlyWasted

"downplays the seriousness" The phrase gives me this impression as well. Also; it implies that you're gonna' get off. One of those things that is best put in a bubble and blown away IMHO. I try to ignore the dribble of the clueless.

NoHo

Thanks for the replies.

I do not have a history of stopping and starting drinking. My process was one of increasing frequency that led me to conclude enough was enough. When confronted with the wagon comment, I did immediately note that I didn't like the use of that expression and that this is a deliberate choice, not some mandated program like a prison sentence or committal. I assume that when people are concerned with their own weaknesses, they prefer to highlight the weaknesses of others.

mercurial me

I think that analogy ranks up there with a pregnant woman being known as having "a bun in the oven"

CarolD

Hmm....
Try each time he makes snide remarks.
He probably gets a childish kick from upsetting you.

I've found drinkers don't really like to be around sober friends.
I've also found I don't care to be around drinkers ....

WhiteWave

^This!

MelindaFlowers

I agree that your friend might worry that you will judge him if continues to drink.

I've taken the stance in my sobriety that I've appreciated with my vegetarian friends.

If you tell me that you're a vegetarian, great, I get it. You don't eat meat. I don't need to hear a whole lot about it or for you to share about it at any length.

Now that I'm not drinking, I briefly mention it once. Other people don't need to hear much more than that.

augustwest

doesn't sound like a very good friend. my friends who questioned my sobriety in such a manner aren't my friends anymore. i don't have the time or the inclination to be in the presence of people that don't want what's best for me and are supportive of my situation

zbear23

Not to split hairs or anything<G>, but my understanding is that the original expressions was "on the water wagon." It sorta doesn't make any sense to me otherwise. LOL

blessings
zenbear

coffeenut

I put it right up there with, "she/he's just a dry drunk".

You're right....he's uncomfortable with his own behavior. Nothing worse than have a friend sober up....when you're just not quite ready, but you know you should be.

Mark75

I remember Bill W used that phrase "on the water wagon" in the big book.

How can anyone who has not been through this thing.... Addiction, recovery... Even begin to understand? Disengage from that taunting, you are an a deeply personal journey with life and death implications for your future... It is none of their business anyway... don't give them reason to make it so.

Congratulations on your efforts so far.