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Old 07-03-2010, 09:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
stayingstraight
 

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Friday


Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a couple days but I have been doing a little reading here and there. Wanted to touch base and let ya'll know I'm still sober. Today officailly makes two weeks for me. I'm real happy about that. I wanted to share an experience I had yeaterday and maybe get some input from you guys. My fiance was off work yesterday and was catching up on some much needed rest. (I'm still on vacation, don't go back til the 11th). Anyway, around 5 pm his younger (23 year old) work buddy pops in with a tallboy budlight in tote. He sticks the other 2 or 3 in the fridge and strands at the counter drinking. Meanwhile, we were all in the throws of watching, "The Invention of Lying" from netflix. I didn't say hi and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. I'm pretty sure my fiance has mentioned to him that I am in recovery and don't want to drink. It pissed me off. Noone really said much to him and he finally left. We finished watching the movie which I later used as my excuse for not speaking or even acknowledging his presence. My fiance asked me about how I felt about him coming over and I told him I didn't mind that he came over so much as I minded him drinking in my house in my presence when he probably knows I'm trying to stay sober. I thought it was devious and rude and just downright mean. I felt like he was trying to spit in my face in my own house. Do you think I'm being irrational? Do you think I'm transferring my disease to him because maybe I'm jealous or something. Do you think it's me? What do you think is a good coping mechanism for this situation or what would be an appropriate way to react? Please let me know what you think. Thanks, SS
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:37 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I can see both sides. If this guy isn't an alcoholic and doesn't have a troubled relationship with alcohol, he might not even understand how bringing a few beers over could be offensive. It might be a foreign concept to him. So, I'd cut him a break. THIS time.

But if he's aware that it upset you, and he does it again, then he's clearly just trying to be a jerk.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I don't think you were being straight-up irrational, but at the moment it was going on, I don't think you were able to think about what was going on from more angles than the ones you saw working against you. That's totally fine, especially since you've proven you can see more sides in retrospect.

I really wanted to just quick post to congratulate you o 2 weeks that's great!!!!

All the best, and stick with it as best you can!

Blessed be,
WW
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Your house, your rules.. is he aware that you don't want liquor or drinking in your home?
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thumbs up Friday

Hi,

I have been sober 21 years & my husband about 10 years & no one brings alcohol into our house....my youngest son would sneak it into the basement where he & his two boys slept when it was his weekend to have visitation with the boys.

One time he was visibly drunk when he came in & after he slept a while I asked him to leave. He has a best friend he could stay with...he was here in town for two weeks with his job & was putting a pint of Vodka in his bottle of Sunny D juice.

He is the son that just couldn't get with the program...went to mental health and some AA Meetings...& eventually drove his truck over a 150 foot cliff.

He had been in the Navy & came home with an alcohol problem & it got worse as the years went by...he is 40 years old now & lives in an Adult Family Home for Special Care. Social Security, The State, & The VA pay for all of his needs which are beyond anything we could have paid for.

He was dianosed with PTSD, Depression/Anxiety, & was taking medications but wouldn't stay on them long enough for them to do any good. He is a quadriplegic so will be in a wheelchair the rest of his life.

There is a big family history of alcoholism & depression/anxiety. My Mother didn't drink but had untreated depression/anxiety. My Dad drank but didn't have a big problem with it until my brother & I were on our own out of the home. He went to in-patient alcohol tx in a hospital setting since he had two heart attacks. My alcoholic maternal Grandmother lived with us from our grade school years until she died sober. My Brother had been sober once for 14 years but started drinking again & still is drinking even though he stopped his drugs. He has had two heart attacks two months apart this year.

Of course I have a huge background of Sobriety but it does not protect me from a first drink if the time & place were right.

I had a Supervisor at work that made his wife go to treatment. She got back the day before our Christmas Party & he came into the livingroom where she & I were talking...drinking a beer standing right beside her. This is a similar situation that happened to you. Your home is your home & you can lay down some rules about drinking in front of you to your family & friends. My husband made the rules at our home but he still drank some.

We divorced after 13 years of marriage & both got married again with the 2nd marriage not good for both of us. I moved back to the same Back Water Town but had my own apartment with my youngest daughter with me. We did things together on the weekends but he never drank around me ever.

I wish you luck with setting some boundaries of your own...keep up the good work & I am glad you came to SR.


Shannon
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hey staingstraight,

Congratulations on your 2 weeks!!

If it were my house and someone came in with alcohol in hand I would have said NO WAY. Your welcome to stay but without the beer! Maybe it was your fiances place to do so since it is his buddy. Would have saved you the uncomfortable silence and ill feelings.

BUT..........its easy to second guess. At the time you were very upset. So next time you'll handle it differently. Have a great weekend!
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Kelsh. Sorry about your son. Wow. That was quite a story. Mine pales in comparison. I guess I need to first find out if my fiance did in fact tell him I was sober. Then I need to go ahead and set some boundaries. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way. I wish I was to a point where I could handle if someone drinks in my presence. Hopefully that will come in time. Thanks for your input. SS.
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Smacked, I'm honestly not sure. So I have to say probably not. I might need to think about this a little more and let him know how I feel about it with a little more detail. Thanks for your comment. SS
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Opivotal, I felt the same way about my fiance. I thought he should have told him. Even if it was in private by pulling him into the garage for some made up reason. I don't want everyone to feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me either. You know what I mean? I just have to be in touch with what I'm feeling and be in control of how I deal with it I guess. Thanks, SS
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I prefer my house remain a no alcohol zone.

It was really hard for me to begin with setting the 'my house my rules' thing - I was a people pleaser from way back and it 'seemed rude' for me to tell other people what to do....

I have no problem now

Set your boundaries, stayingstraight.
D
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Old 07-03-2010, 03:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Dee74, Do you think it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly start setting a no alcohol rule? When I think about it, I sorta feel like that. But then again, I definitely don't need to be around it. There's a part of me that says, "Just because you have a problem doesn't mean that everyone who drinks has one". But I guess ultimately what matters is maintaining my sobriety at any cost. And if setting those boundaries and taking on a chance on being called a tea totaler or a hypocrite is what I have to go through, then so be it. Thanks again, SS
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Old 07-03-2010, 03:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My house is an alcohol-free zone, and I'm close to 20 years sober.

I protect my sobriety like the precious seed that it is.
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Old 07-03-2010, 04:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stayingstraight View Post
Dee74, Do you think it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly start setting a no alcohol rule? When I think about it, I sorta feel like that. But then again, I definitely don't need to be around it. There's a part of me that says, "Just because you have a problem doesn't mean that everyone who drinks has one". But I guess ultimately what matters is maintaining my sobriety at any cost. And if setting those boundaries and taking on a chance on being called a tea totaler or a hypocrite is what I have to go through, then so be it. Thanks again, SS
Whats hypocritical about asking that people follow your lead in your house?

What you did, or didn't do, before is immaterial stayingstraight - you've changed your life. full stop.

I would have felt the same way - who am I to tell them what to do?

I look at it from the other perspective now...who comes into someones house and drinks when noone else is?

Even my smoking friends go outside - without me asking - it's just courtesy.

I'm not telling anyone they can't drink - I'm just asking them not to do it in my house, around me...

I have a friend who loves old war documentaries - he can't watch them in my house either, y'know?

I spent a long time pleasing people - these days I figure if I can't set rules in my own house, I'm pretty much being walked over.

What you decide is up to you, but I see no problem with it

D
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Old 07-03-2010, 04:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi StayingStraight!


Huge congratulations on your two weeks! I just read your post and agree with all of the above comments. What matters most is what makes you comfortable and what helps you stay sober. Smacked is exactly right: your house, your rules.

I have not made my house an alcohol-free zone (yet?). My partner still drinks so there is a variety of booze in the house. It hasn't bothered me the past three weeks. It's totally and individual thing and what works for you.

Even with my partner still drinking, I think I would have felt anxious too about a friend showing up with it though. That would have brought the social aspect into the situation.

Anyways, congratulations on your two weeks!!!

But I can definitely relate to how you felt the moment your friend showed up at the door.
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