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Anxious...But Hello Im Steve

Old 06-30-2010, 12:49 PM
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Anxious...But Hello Im Steve

Hello all and welcome, my name is Steve.
I feel horrible about saying this, but I think I am an alcoholic/drug addict. As were going along I hope everyone knows that I have been putting this post off for days thinking about what to say because part of me is embarrassed and worried that people will think and/or will put me down…. I don’t know why it’s just a fear.
Anyways… a little about myself. I am a chef (I hate being called it lol), I am 23 years old, i'm in Georgia now, and I don’t have tons of friends. No one would really know that thou because when i'm out and about (say walmart), I can laugh and blend in and be really who ever I want to be. I'm very involved with life, I love gardening for example. But there is a dark side to me, I like booze around me too much. I don’t always act out of line, matter of fact most people consider me very mellow and fun to be around. However I have to have a drink all day everyday, not to say that I become wasted…. but a nice buzz all day. I used to make a joke saying that I’m an endurance drinker lol. I don’t know, I think its just time and in my brain i'm to young to continue to behave this way, after all I do want to become something. Sorry i'm rambling, but I think it’s kinda nice to eventually just say something and now maybe to stand up for myself? Weird most people would think I don’t have a problem with that being 6’1 and 200lbs with a sleeve, but most people are stupid so hey lol.
But I have been behaving this way for years…maybe 4? 5? I’m not sure but hey who does really. I don’t know what theres to say….part of me thinks I can defeat it all on my own, but I’m not sure if that’s the case. What was some of your little stories? Similar? Well see. Thanks all for listening, ill try to keep this updated and as honest as I can.
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:57 PM
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Hi Steve and welcome! You shouldn't feel horrible about admitting you have addictions, but blessed that you have the ability to recognize that about yourself. You are now free to become the person you want to become. We are all here because we have problems. You are among an understanding group of real people.
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:07 PM
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welcome Steve, post often and read, you have lots of company.
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:12 PM
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Steve,
If you haven't already done so, wander around the postings and stories. If you are indeed an alcoholic/addict, I am sure you will recognize your story in the stories of others. Welcome to the Sober Recovery Community.
SusanLauren
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:20 PM
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Welcome Steve. All I can say from my personal experience is that alcohol get's progressively more addictive as time goes on. I went from a couple drinks a day, to sneaking beer/vodka into my house everyday. All that alcohol left me with was numerous ruined friendships, messed up family relations, a broken hand, and an empty wallet. If you're serious about quitting, start today and don't look back. I tried the "maybe I'll just cut back" idea and it didn't work for me as I fell back into my same habits. I highly recommend visiting this site daily and posting as it will keep you true to yourself and on focus.
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:28 PM
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Welcome Steve,
No need to be embarrassed or ashamed because we are all here for the same reason you are. You will find a lot of help and encouragement here. Surf around and read others stories. It has helped me a lot.
I guess we all have our little sayings about drinking. Mine used to be that there is a "pork chop in every can" as I was skipping lunch so I could get my drink on.
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:35 PM
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Feels good to tell someone doesn't it? I know what it feels like to hide that side of you. As others have said, surf around, read the post. And Please post yourself.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:08 PM
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Hi Steve

I started like you - an endurance drinker - and stayed that way for many years - always just a little buzz...unless I was out with my mates...then all bets were off.

Because I was quiet, and seemingly unaffected I thought it was ok, but I ended up creeping incrementally to completely losing it from 10 in the morning....I became the town drunk....and I didn't care.

You're very wise to look at this now. This is a great group of people, and I hope we can help you sort out some stuff

Welcome!
D
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:36 PM
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Hello Steve, and Welcome!
Many of us have had similar fears and hesitated a lot before they posted for the first time. I remember that I was scared sh*tless and relieved at once when I did. And I think it is great that you are becoming aware that there might be a problem now. I can only agree with the previous posters. Keep reading and posting, there's a lot of great people here and you can find a lot of support.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:53 PM
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There's never any shame in admitting you have a problem and a very brave act in voicing it on a site like this one. I am a Culinary Arts instructor on the high school level and I have found it difficult to attend the continuing education requirements outside of school because of all of the new trendy ways of cooking with wine and beer. I totally understand that in your line of work it would be difficult to not get caught up in all of that very easily especially as young as you are. But - you are young and have already gotten a great start to sobriety just by posting. Keep on reading
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:28 PM
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Wow… I cant lie, when I came back on this site I thought for sure no one would of posted. But this much already??? I don’t think I’ve ever seen or felt like this before. I appreciate you all really so much. But being called wise? Blessed? Man I wish people around me would make me feel like this, and hell I cook 5 course meals for my family and I don’t nearly get this kind of praise lol. Thank you once again everyone, really… from the bottom of my heart. Moreover, I have read this website almost page to page about a week before I even decided to join lol…. I don’t know, I guess it feels different when its your own story.
Any who…. I just want anyone to know at anytime anyone has questions or comments feel free to post or comment, what have you. Any insight is good insight, even if its to tell me to shut up haha. Yes due to my line of work, I had to develop quite the sense of humor, so feel free.
But I have a few questions for some of you, and once again if I tread on personal privacy please feel free to say something. For the mass audience, anyone who has had wrong done to them… whether it be from family, childhood, or just people who take advantage of you (in my case all), I know at one point everyone said they were having a drink to relieve the night or the mental tension. When did you guys eventually say…. Screw the past, I have to take control now…. Stop drinking and put up or shut up?
HFA: yes ironically it feels very good to just say something.
Dee: Did you ever have any clue that my “endurance drinking” has now shifted a gear? Or was it constantly a world of denial?
Sugarfiend: So then you exactly understand what the fields like….c haos lol. How did you go home at night and not crave a drink?
Once again thank you everyone for everything.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:11 PM
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Hi Steve and welcome I'm glad you decided to post. You're right - It's ALOT different when it's your own story and you hear support from others who know what you're going through. And we do know how you feel.

I thought I had a lot of good reasons for drinking: insomnia, stress, depression, anxiety, the past, the future, relaxing, helping me to enjoy things...... you name it, alcohol seemed to fix my mood. But as we both know, it not only doesn't last, it turns around and bites us in the a** big time.

What we're really doing is pouring toxin into our bodies and thinking we're doing OK. It's not until we get sober that we even realize how bad we were really feeling most of the time. I'm glad you're here and hope you keep posting!
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:26 PM
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Please call 404-525-3178

Ask them where the nearest AA meeting is.....

Welcome to the posting part of SR
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Stubby23 View Post
But I have a few questions for some of you, and once again if I tread on personal privacy please feel free to say something. For the mass audience, anyone who has had wrong done to them… whether it be from family, childhood, or just people who take advantage of you (in my case all), I know at one point everyone said they were having a drink to relieve the night or the mental tension. When did you guys eventually say…. Screw the past, I have to take control now…. Stop drinking and put up or shut up?
HFA: yes ironically it feels very good to just say something.
Dee: Did you ever have any clue that my “endurance drinking” has now shifted a gear? Or was it constantly a world of denial?
Sugarfiend: So then you exactly understand what the fields like….c haos lol. How did you go home at night and not crave a drink?
Once again thank you everyone for everything.
I don't know that I ever said screw the past, I have control now. I did come to realize that my alcoholic drinking was making my life hell AND those problems of the past weren't getting any better either. I was just adding new logs to an already out of control fire. I've come to learn that being drunk is no condition to deal with those issues in the past and now that i'm sober, I'm making some progress in dealing with them.

Even now, looking back, I couldn't tell you when my drinking "turned" on me. maybe it was a gradual thing over a year....maybe months...maybe just a week - I dunno. One thing IS for sure, it changed. I don't know that I necessarily felt a physical necessity for booze but I sure as hell developed a mental necessity for it. I WANTED it and wanted to feel buzzed whenever I thought I could get away with it.

Nothing I personally tried lifted that obsession to drink. Like you'll hear from a lot of people here, it was removed from me.....it went away when I started working the AA program of recovery. Didn't think it'd work..and kinda didn't WANT it to work (I reeeeeeally loved drinking) but it did anyway.

Being open and honest (like you have so far) is a big step in the right direction. I needed a plan of action though, to go along with my openness and honesty. I'm not big on plans or planning so I figured I'd kinda wing it and adjust as trouble arose. Good thing that option was taken away from me (by the court system) because I'm sure now it wouldn't have worked - I'd have ended up back on the bottle just like I always had. AA gave me a plan of attack, a "proven" methodology, and a lot of support. There wasn't anything I ever said that half a dozen ppl didn't nod their head - they "knew" exactly what I was talking about.

You're off to a good start. I pray you find your way.

Mike
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:22 PM
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Welcome Steve!
I'm on Day 15 and the people on this site have provided me with such insight and support, I don't know what I'd do without 'em.
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:37 PM
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Welcome Steve! Glad you found us and joined the family. It does feel good to tell someone about your addiction problem. I tried to hide my alcoholism but the only person fooled by my lies was me...

Why don't you give AA a good try? Call that number CarolD gave you and go to some meetings. It's not the only way to get and stay sober but there is a lot of experience, support, and hope in those rooms and it's nice to have sober friends who understand what you're going thru.

I'm glad you joined us, we're stronger together.
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:20 PM
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Welcome Steve!

...and greetings from a fellow ATLien. I'm just up the road from you in Buford, GA. There are actually a few of us here on SR from the ATL.

It takes courage to come on here and post your thoughts and ask for help. ...and make no mistake about it - the power is in the asking.

Nothing much else to add except feel free to send me a PM if you'd ever like any information on ATL area AA meetings.
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:24 PM
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Hey Steve, Good for you! Everybody on SR is here for you! I honestly don't think i would have 11 days had I not joined!
I feel AMAZING, and I had been drinking longer than your age! LOL!

Good Luck and God Bless!

XO
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:35 PM
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Just so you know Steve, some of the most talented, successful, admirable, brilliant, selfless, and loving people I've ever known were alcoholics and addicts at one point or another. Some still are.

There truly is NOTHING to be ashamed of, you are in extremely good company.

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Old 06-30-2010, 09:17 PM
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I'd have never had the courage at your age.

Hey man,

Way to go! If you can be that self aware with so much ahead of you, I'm betting heavy you'll do the right things. How did you find the site? For me, and others I've read about, it took a hard fall to wake up and seek help. I'm struggling with it big time - that's a longer story, here's the short progression. I used to find it odd to drink M-W, would the ocassional TH, usually Fri and Sat, and under no circumstance on Sunday, until maybe 3 or 4 years ago. My career had me on the road, hotels and airports. Not the best scenario for me, expense account, wife and kids at home, no bosses around. I started calling in sick the days after the flight home, would start drinking after the sales call, sometimes 6-7 hours of manhattans, it felt great at the time. Weekends became trecherous, party Friday night, Saturday night, then Sunday morning bloody became a loooong day of drinking the hangover away. Mondays were terrible. First came a DUI (.204 BAC), lost a couple business deals, became expendable, 7 mos with no paycheck. Here I sit at 39, 1 yr into a new career, investments drained (7 mos no check), trying to understand why this is so damn hard, what the hell else do I need to F up before I go to a meeting? Don't underestimate how bad it will get, and how easy it is to rationalize your behavior. I wish you strength, peace, and success, but if you have any doubt there's a problem with booze at 23, please do something about it. I only wish I had then, and really hope I can now. Take advantage of what you already know!
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