Going it alone for a little while....
 

I've posted about some significant problems with my SO in another thread, but this thread is about more than just what was going on there.

I decided to, at the very least, take a break from my 8 year long relationship. It's too toxic.
And since stress from that relationship is a HUGE trigger for me, and I've been doing so well (90+ days, whoo!), I just naturally want to do my best to surround myself with healthier things.

I did it after thoroughly talking it over with a mutual best friend. It was their recommendation that since I'd tried talking about these issues with my SO ad nauseum, that I should instead write everything down and deliver a written message to him.

Last night, I did just that. I wrote, and re-wrote, and RE-re-wrote, a 3-page letter outlining the major grievances I've been having, how terrible they've been making me feel, and how I won't be standing for it anymore. Once he got home (we live in separate houses), he called and left a message before even reading the letter - saying he got it and was dreading reading it. Then he called, incredibly shaken, only half-way through the letter, pleading me to call. I waited. He called after finishing the letter, sounding slightly more level-headed, and started off with saying how sorry he was and continued to plead with my answering machine to call him. I called my mom and she advised the same as the friend: continue to wait - this separation is what you both need if there's any hope of rebuilding.

About an hour later, he sent me an e-mail apologizing for "Officially freaking out on your answering machine". He said he'd be considering my letter all night, and then, instead of pleading with me to call, he asked that I contact him whenever I next "feel comfortable".

I kind of get the feeling that I just forced him into an equivalent detox, you know? That maybe he's going to even kind of go through relationship-withdrawals.

This was one of the harder things I've had to do, inter-personally, and I'm on just day 2 of not talking to my SO, my "partner"....

I need this cleansing though. I don't know what I'll say or even if I'll ever talk to him again - given our history.... all I know is that right now I feel a hole in my chest and I knew I could come to SR to talk about it.

Luckily, the creature (what I call booze) is the furthest thing from my mind in coping with this. The first thing? Comfort food :P but that was also a suggestion from my mom.

Thanks for reading - it feels better just having posted about this.

I hope everyone here has a beautiful day; I'm going to try to!

Blessed be all,
WW

Big changes for you but you're doing what you have to control the triggers that cause you to slip. Congrats on being so proactive and keep us posted!

congrats on staying sober. It is so hard to wait, isn't it? I hope that everything works out for the best.

WW, it's interesting the things that come to light in our lives when we stop drinking.

You have found your way through a very difficult decision, and you feel confident that you are doing the right thing, even though it's painful. Good for you!

Hi WW... Sorry to hear that things had to come to this but....it's great to see that you are putting yourself and your sobriety first!!! :) I'm coming to a crossroad in my relationship as well.....Sometimes separation is all you can do...it will give you some perspective.... I wish you well WW..xo

Hello WW,

How awesome that you have such a good friend and a mom who's supporting you through this.

I can relate to what you're going through too. I had to make the same decision about ending a long-term relationship that was toxic for me. My mom described my mixed emotions about it by that old saying, "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't."

In my case, as much as the relationship was bad for me, I knew what to expect.

Letting go of that and venturing out into seemingly unchartered waters relationship-wise was scary, but I learned that recovery is about re-centering ourselves to break the habits and change the lifestyles, including some people, that contribute to our dependency; my long-term relationship was the biggest one of those.

Congrats on your 90+ days! I'd continue to focus on yourself and try not worry what he may or may not be going through (not easy, I know).

Recovery requires change. As we begin to get more and more healthy, we attract healthy people to us.

P.S. Comfort food is good...it doesn't cloud your judgement. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cons/icon7.gif Getting outside, fresh air, always helped me. Maybe re-read some of your other posts about why the relationship is toxic will help reinforce your decision. ?

WW.....:hug:

To protect my fragile early sobriety....I broke with my lover of 5 years.
We simply no longer meshed....I had changed my lifestyle and goals.

Yes...was painful but the correct decision for me.
Jim survived....I've thrived.....:lala

I took a year off from dating....to earn about me as
a single sober woman. It worked out great!

All my best as you continue to move forward

Glad you are here!

mercurial me:
Thanks! I will certainly update - it feels better to do so rather than keep everything bottled up inside.

price:
Well, the one thing I've gotten practice in lately, it's waiting ;) Thank you for your support!

Anna:
Thank you so much! I'm not too sure I'd say I'm all that confident about this..... but I know it's the wiser course of action rather than continuing the dance of insanity that our relationship had become.

Loveon2legs:
Thank you! I wish you the best too! I'm not forming any ideas as to what will come of this separation - it's the actual separation that I'm trying to focus on right now instead. For me, it's a breath of fresh-air - some (scary) freedom. I don't even know if I have a hope for things to reconcile.... I just needed the instability to come to an end.

Humblebee:
No kidding, right? I'm so thankful for my friends and mom right now, it's ridiculous. I wish I could mow all their lawns, clean all their dwellings, and make them all dinner :). The saying you mentioned is interesting.... I'll be thinking about that one again tonight. Thanks for the congrats! I'm a little scared to be alone, relationship-wise. I've been in one for so long that I'm feeling a little dread about this sudden freedom. And you're right - recovery requires change, sometimes big change. And if this relationship wasn't healthy before I started recovery, and hasn't changed.... well, time to start some change on my own I suppose. I guess I did just that. I'll be getting some fresh air tonight too - and I'm going to re-read my old journal entries about how he'd upset me in the past.

CarolD:
Thanks for the hug and understanding! I think I'll thrive too.... eventually. I need some "me" time I think. It'll be a while before I even begin to entertain the notion of either hooking back up with my partner, or entering the dating world again. Thanks again!

Coffeenut:
Thank you! So, so glad to be here. SR is a huge saving grace.


UPDATE:
Well, as he'd left it in the message he sent last night, he asked me to contact him whenever I felt comfortable enough to do so, and that love me. He made it 13 hours without me responding in any way before he went back on his words and decided to text me. It kept it short, but what he said further reinforced some of the reasons why I'm doing this. He said "I want to talk about your letter. How about dinner at that Japanese restaurant tonight at 7?"

For someone who said they were going to be heavily considering my letter, and were going to wait to hear from me, he didn't end up doing a very good job >.<

I still won't be talking to him tonight. I want the silence to be there between us so he can REALLY think and consider what I wrote. He has to understand that he's basically lost me, and it would take some significant changes in how he behaves toward our "relationship" and me in general for me to even think about talking to him again.

Meanwhile, I might even go to the downtown alano tonight. If not, then I'll work on some projects and chores instead. And then there's group tomorrow night. I should probably open up there and let everyone there know what's up.

Eugh, I can't listen to some of my favorite songs right now because they make me think about him :(

Gonna have to change my playlist.

Take care, and thanks again everyone!

Blessed be,
WW

WW, I am so glad you posted here with friends. Facing relationship trauma in our sobriety is always difficult....but.....like taking the step to get sober....we have to make positive changes for us and that includes relationships that sadly can be toxic.

I did not get sober with my ex.....the circumstances were such that getting sober never would have been a reality. We had traveled down such a destructive path that both him and I needed to separate. We needed to move on.

As Carol put it.......my ex went on but I have made a remarkable comeback beyond anything I could have imagined. I moved to Germany from the states, remarried to a wonderful partner and got the support and help I needed to get sober. I then started living healthy for me, started loving myself again (which for 10 years with ex was me hating myself and living on self-destruct) and seeing that while I am not perfect....I appreciate and respect me and my life is what I CHOOSE to make it. I then got a job and have created my own identity.

Oh it was a rough road but in the course of less then 2 years.....well I have now 76 days of sobriety which I haven't had since 2000!!!!

Huggs my friend and know that while we battle the demon and focus on making positive change....sometimes those around us stay the same. Not good for us and while it may hurt us to do so.....we have to move on.

We are here for you so keep sharing. This one of the blessings I have found in SR. Our friends care about us here and always there to listen and support us in our journey.

Please update us on how things go in group. Huggs.