I'm newly in recovery but my fiance still drinks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kingsburg, CA
Posts: 9
I'm newly in recovery but my fiance still drinks.
I am trying my best to recover from this powerful obsession of alcohol. I have close to a month sober and have been going to AA almost every day and love it! My issue is that my fiance still drinks around me. I have relapsed several times over the last several months and realize that this is definately a trigger for me. I feel this time that I am fully committed to my recovery and will do anything to keep it. I have asked him to quit drinking, at least for the first six months because I do feel very fragile. He is supportive of me and my recovery but when it comes to this aspect he gets a bit bitter. He feels his friends will all question him and it even seems like he'd rather go to social occasions without me since I have an issue with it. I don't have an issue with other people that drink but right now I feel more than ever that I need his support and abstinence. Am I being unreasonable? Please help. We are getting married in September and even the thought of him drinking at our wedding makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm afraid he'll have too much and I will be miserable.
P.S. We actually got married last December for "tax purposes" to help pay for our upcoming wedding. No one knows but us and the pastor, so ending the relationship is not an option.
P.S. We actually got married last December for "tax purposes" to help pay for our upcoming wedding. No one knows but us and the pastor, so ending the relationship is not an option.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Its been my experience that it is essential that people in recovery avoid alALL triggers. You said yourself that your fiance/husband is a trigger. Your already worried about him drinking at the wedding. What about the future. he's already enjoying going to events without you. how long do you think a relationship like that will work? i think you should really do some soul searching into what it is you want.
Its only my opinion but this sounds like a rocky situation if you are really determined to stop drinking. keep going to meetings and in the meantime evaluate the pros and cons of the relationship and sobriety. i find if I write things down it becomes clearer to me.
Its only my opinion but this sounds like a rocky situation if you are really determined to stop drinking. keep going to meetings and in the meantime evaluate the pros and cons of the relationship and sobriety. i find if I write things down it becomes clearer to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Dear Blondie,
Well, let's see. You can either go to counseling together, and see if he will "hear" you through the words of a third party professional. You could possibly take him along with you to a few AA meetings, so maybe he could better understand... to hear some stories other than yours. Does he understand your disease at all?
Many people simply don't "get it" and have no idea.
Otherwise Blondie, you are on a slippery slope, and you clearly already know this. Are you both very young? Is your husband open to things like therapy, 12-step, etc?
Best of luck,
Hugs,
Soph
Well, let's see. You can either go to counseling together, and see if he will "hear" you through the words of a third party professional. You could possibly take him along with you to a few AA meetings, so maybe he could better understand... to hear some stories other than yours. Does he understand your disease at all?
Many people simply don't "get it" and have no idea.
Otherwise Blondie, you are on a slippery slope, and you clearly already know this. Are you both very young? Is your husband open to things like therapy, 12-step, etc?
Best of luck,
Hugs,
Soph
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kingsburg, CA
Posts: 9
He did go to a meeting with me lastnight. This is a second marriage for both of us. His kids are out of the house and he is helping me raise my 3 children (two of them are teenagers!). He is a wonderful man but I just dont know how to get him to realize how crucial this is to me. He doesnt understand why he needs to quit drinking when its me with the problem, and I dont understand why he doesnt stop drinking (for my sake) if he doesnt have a problem?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,463
Hi and Welcome,
To be honest with you, it sounds like you are focusing way too much on your husband and his drinking. For me, it took all my energy to focus on me, in order to begin to recover. It's really hard for others to understand why we have so much trouble not drinking. This is something you are doing for yourself and your children. Sure, it would be good if your husband stopped drinking too, but if he doesn't want to, then you can't make him.
My advice is, if he is drinking at home, try to find something to do elsewhere in the house or go out for a long walk. And, if he is drinking at a social function, maybe you'd rather stay home. I couldn't be around people who were drinking for a very long time.
I wish you well with your recovery.
To be honest with you, it sounds like you are focusing way too much on your husband and his drinking. For me, it took all my energy to focus on me, in order to begin to recover. It's really hard for others to understand why we have so much trouble not drinking. This is something you are doing for yourself and your children. Sure, it would be good if your husband stopped drinking too, but if he doesn't want to, then you can't make him.
My advice is, if he is drinking at home, try to find something to do elsewhere in the house or go out for a long walk. And, if he is drinking at a social function, maybe you'd rather stay home. I couldn't be around people who were drinking for a very long time.
I wish you well with your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 8
If I was your hubbie, and didn't have a problem myself with alcohol,.......I would quit drinking totally in your presence for a period of time at least.
After you feel more confident, you shouldn't be angry with him if he wants to have a couple of drinks now and then.
For now I think he needs to support your quit fully though.
After you feel more confident, you shouldn't be angry with him if he wants to have a couple of drinks now and then.
For now I think he needs to support your quit fully though.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I honestly don't think I could be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. Not that he is an alcoholic, but if he's unable/unwilling to put it down.. well. Focus on you, there's a few folks around here in relationships with people that drink. I'm sure it's incredibly difficult, but maybe he'll come around. Regardless, just focus on your recovery.. in the end, you're all you can control!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I hear what your saying but there is no denying that we as addicts have to watch our triggers carefully. I get the impression that blondie didnt make demands just a request. A request that I dont think is unreasonable for a spouse or partner that cares. Unless he has his own drinking issues and then there is a problem
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 151
I go back to my statement...why believe that our sobriety depends on changes others need to make for our benefit? That is going to lead to problems. The thinking that I can only be successful or happy if I can make others act or behave in a certain way is very dangerous to someone in early recovery. Making your recovery conditional on others around you changing first is never a good sobriety strategy.
Blondie32, I don't mean to sound unsupportive. By all means go ahead and ask him to please not drink in front of you. If he is a decent sort of person he just may hear the genuine need in what you are asking and be respectful of your struggle, but at the same time, you can't expect him to change his behavior just because you are trying to change yours.
Blondie32, I don't mean to sound unsupportive. By all means go ahead and ask him to please not drink in front of you. If he is a decent sort of person he just may hear the genuine need in what you are asking and be respectful of your struggle, but at the same time, you can't expect him to change his behavior just because you are trying to change yours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kingsburg, CA
Posts: 9
I totally understand what your saying, which is why I have been very gentle with the way I express my concern to him over it. I have been around him on many social occasions where he would drink and I would not. I have been uncomfortable but didnt press the issue because I didnt want to spoil his fun. However, I've relapsed a few times and realize that I want my recovery more than anything and I need him to understand that those situations and him drinking around me is not good for me. If he only has a drink or two, I'm fine. Its when it exceeds that, that I have a problem with it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Why is ending the relationship not an option just because you are married? I am not advocating that, but marriage isn't the end all and be all. If you are with someone who has so little concern for what is best for you and your feelings, then whether or not he is drinking isn't the biggest problem in the relationship.
No, we cannot demand that another person do anything, but when we realize that our partner has little or no concern about our well being, then I feel it's time to reassess the relationship.
No, we cannot demand that another person do anything, but when we realize that our partner has little or no concern about our well being, then I feel it's time to reassess the relationship.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi Blondie
I'm not going to tell you what you should do - thats your call.
The fact is we have more than a few members here whose partners drink. It's not ideal, but it what it is.
I agree with Anna that your recovery needs to be about you, not your fiance. You're the only one you can work on to change...I hope your partner will see that and perhaps change himself.
No matter what happens, please know that you'll always find support here at SR, 24/7.
D
I'm not going to tell you what you should do - thats your call.
The fact is we have more than a few members here whose partners drink. It's not ideal, but it what it is.
I agree with Anna that your recovery needs to be about you, not your fiance. You're the only one you can work on to change...I hope your partner will see that and perhaps change himself.
No matter what happens, please know that you'll always find support here at SR, 24/7.
D
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
No, we cannot demand that another person do anything, but when we realize that our partner has little or no concern about our well being, then I feel it's time to reassess the relationship.
I can't control what others do nor do I want to. Having said that if a "loved one" is a recovering alcoholic in the early stages I don't think not drinking in front of them is too much to ask.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 151
I agree that it is not too much to ask...but it may be too much to expect and my caution is that one should never end up framing the success of their own recovery on another person in our lives making a big change in their behavior to better fall in line with us.
My ex wife drank thru out my recovery and the new person in my life enjoys her glass of wine with dinner and at parties too. I can't expect them to change because I chose not to drink anymore.
Only Blondie32 can truly assess her relationship in terms of her recovery. The rest of us can only share our experience/strengths/hopes.
My ex wife drank thru out my recovery and the new person in my life enjoys her glass of wine with dinner and at parties too. I can't expect them to change because I chose not to drink anymore.
Only Blondie32 can truly assess her relationship in terms of her recovery. The rest of us can only share our experience/strengths/hopes.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
I'm single and live alone so can't speak to your issue. I do know that it's the most important thing to focus on your own recovery. It is possible to stop drinking when others around you drink, but it does make it a bit harder. I'd just suggest you focus more on your sobriety and not so much on what your hubby does. I wish you the best and congrats on your sober time so far. Feels good, doesn't it?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Everyone has had some great points. I think it has more to do with the individual (what one person can handle may not be what another person can handle). Some people can have alcohol in their home and it doesn't bother them while others have to avoid being around it as much as possible.
Does it bother you to have it in the house? Does it bother you to be with other family/friends when they're drinking, or is it just him? Is it because of the way he acts when drinking, or because you just want his sober company? Or is it a little jealousy that he can drink and you can't? How do you feel about him going out with the guys? Maybe if you can identify exactly what/why it bothers you, the two of you can come up with a compromise.
Right now, it seems that this could become a real issue in your relationship. What about going to a few counseling sessions (maybe even just for yourself at first)?
Just my thoughts, but in the end only you know what you can/can't handle. Sorry that this is troubling you and I hope things work out!
Does it bother you to have it in the house? Does it bother you to be with other family/friends when they're drinking, or is it just him? Is it because of the way he acts when drinking, or because you just want his sober company? Or is it a little jealousy that he can drink and you can't? How do you feel about him going out with the guys? Maybe if you can identify exactly what/why it bothers you, the two of you can come up with a compromise.
Right now, it seems that this could become a real issue in your relationship. What about going to a few counseling sessions (maybe even just for yourself at first)?
Just my thoughts, but in the end only you know what you can/can't handle. Sorry that this is troubling you and I hope things work out!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kingsburg, CA
Posts: 9
Wow. I just want to say this is my first day on and my first day posting anything and I so appreciate everyone's input. Just like in AA, I feel such a support, care and concern from all of you and you dont even know me. My sobriety does come first and knowing what a great guy I have, I'm sure he'll either come around or I will find a way to cope with it and continue to progress with my recovery. Thanks again 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 82
Blondie, good on your for recognizing what you need. That's a tough situation.
My husband drinks, sometimes too much, though that doesn't happen often. But he's the one who has to feel sh***y in the morning, as I enjoy the start of my day. (Tough love!) When I decided to stop drinking, I had to say to him, "Darlin' I know you don't think I have a problem, but I do and that's what counts. This is really important to me. Support me." (He travels a lot and I drank alone a lot.) If drinking comes up, I just say to him, "I drank alone a lot and that is not a good thing. I'd rather not have alcohol in my life." And, as a reasonable person, he has to agree. He's never pushed a drink on me.
I found that I feel vulnerable to drink if I don't have a plan. So he has a glass of wine; I make a cup of tea. We go out to meet with friends, I have my order for a non-alcoholic drink -- Diet Coke or lemonade -- on the tip of my tongue. I don't buy alcohol when I go to the store, so he knows if he wants it he has to buy it. I don't let myself get hungry around cocktail hour. It's working out. I don't know what would have happened if I had asked him to not drink; it would not have felt right to me. But that's where I was.
Good luck to you ... And I hope all goes well at your wedding. I used to think that I wouldn't drink any more except for champagne on those very, very special occassions. But now I realize I could do just fine with sparkling cider, and no headache the next day!
My husband drinks, sometimes too much, though that doesn't happen often. But he's the one who has to feel sh***y in the morning, as I enjoy the start of my day. (Tough love!) When I decided to stop drinking, I had to say to him, "Darlin' I know you don't think I have a problem, but I do and that's what counts. This is really important to me. Support me." (He travels a lot and I drank alone a lot.) If drinking comes up, I just say to him, "I drank alone a lot and that is not a good thing. I'd rather not have alcohol in my life." And, as a reasonable person, he has to agree. He's never pushed a drink on me.
I found that I feel vulnerable to drink if I don't have a plan. So he has a glass of wine; I make a cup of tea. We go out to meet with friends, I have my order for a non-alcoholic drink -- Diet Coke or lemonade -- on the tip of my tongue. I don't buy alcohol when I go to the store, so he knows if he wants it he has to buy it. I don't let myself get hungry around cocktail hour. It's working out. I don't know what would have happened if I had asked him to not drink; it would not have felt right to me. But that's where I was.
Good luck to you ... And I hope all goes well at your wedding. I used to think that I wouldn't drink any more except for champagne on those very, very special occassions. But now I realize I could do just fine with sparkling cider, and no headache the next day!
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