need some kind of support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 21
need some kind of support
hi, I posted here once a long time ago. went to treatment a year ago, but started drinking soon after and things have progressively gotten worse, as they do with alcoholism. Been seeing a relapse prevention counselor, but keep on relapsing, or never really stopping and lying about it. I will stop for a day or two, but the fear of coping without alcohol leads me back. I also see a regular therapist.
I am going to try again today. I went on a 5 day bender starting last weekend, missed 2 days work, and am still pretty sick. Couldn't drink night before last, would just throw up, but managed to drink the last of what I had last night, between throwing up. How sick is that? I have antabuse but can't seem to committ to staying on it. I have an appt with counselor tonite, I brought the antabuse with me and will take it in front of her. Hopefully that will get me through the weekend. I also had an ER visit last weekend because I burned my foot on a hot charcoal briquette (drunk grilling accident-barefoot) and they gave me 12 Vicoden. Only took narcotics for a few days after surgery a couple of years ago, drank while taking them and liked the feeling too much, I think. I did not fill the script, and will destroy it at the counselor's as well. Why can't I just do these things on my own? I don't know, don't trust myself at all, don't believe I can stay sober. Been at this many, many years. The fear is overwheming.
No support outside of counselor/therapist/doctor, but have their full support. Just wish I knew someone who cares (who I don't pay to care-that sounds callus-I do appreciate their support).
Did anyone else have this overwhelming fear about quitting-I feel like I am going crazy and don't want to back out of my plan.
I am going to try again today. I went on a 5 day bender starting last weekend, missed 2 days work, and am still pretty sick. Couldn't drink night before last, would just throw up, but managed to drink the last of what I had last night, between throwing up. How sick is that? I have antabuse but can't seem to committ to staying on it. I have an appt with counselor tonite, I brought the antabuse with me and will take it in front of her. Hopefully that will get me through the weekend. I also had an ER visit last weekend because I burned my foot on a hot charcoal briquette (drunk grilling accident-barefoot) and they gave me 12 Vicoden. Only took narcotics for a few days after surgery a couple of years ago, drank while taking them and liked the feeling too much, I think. I did not fill the script, and will destroy it at the counselor's as well. Why can't I just do these things on my own? I don't know, don't trust myself at all, don't believe I can stay sober. Been at this many, many years. The fear is overwheming.
No support outside of counselor/therapist/doctor, but have their full support. Just wish I knew someone who cares (who I don't pay to care-that sounds callus-I do appreciate their support).
Did anyone else have this overwhelming fear about quitting-I feel like I am going crazy and don't want to back out of my plan.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
So glad you are here. I think it's great that even though at this moment you aren't strong enough to take the antabuse, or rip up your prescriptions on your own, that you are doing it anyway in front of your Dr. You know you need to do these things and you are doing them. I am on my 8th day and have the same overwhelming fear of quitting each day - sometimes every hour and sometimes it seems every minute. I just can't imagine not drinking. But, what I have been telling myself is to wait - just a little bit. If I really want to I could always go get a drink later. This has quieted my sense of panic a bit and the feeling of "I have to go get a drink right NOW" Last night I was feeling this quite a bit, and I said - Let's just wait a bit.. and then soon after I went to sleep. I woke up this morning on day 8 and feel more strenght - at least for the moment. I plan to set up therapy and attend AA, because I know I need more support. But this mind game is helping me right now. Glad you have joined here - these boards have also helped me immensely. Come on here when you are feeling weak, stay on and read or post when you are really fighting yourself to not go get a drink.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I was scared of sobriety.. I was even more scared of long term and 'forever' sobriety/recovery. I think we all are.. hell, by the time I quit, I had fine tuned my dependence on getting f'd up as my only coping skill with life's troubles, and triumphs. I was scared because I didn't know how to live sober, or how to deal with life on life's terms. Scared me silly, but the drugs and alcohol would have killed me. Not sure why I wasn't scared of THAT.. but that's one of the mysteries of addiction.
I've been sober now, for about 2 years (in August), and it's been HARD.. but wonderful.
I'm glad you're here, and don't feel like you need to know how to do this on your own. Glad you're getting help, take advantage of those therapy sessions as your new life develops and probably shakes your boots a bit.
I'm glad you're here, stick around this time!!
I've been sober now, for about 2 years (in August), and it's been HARD.. but wonderful.
I'm glad you're here, and don't feel like you need to know how to do this on your own. Glad you're getting help, take advantage of those therapy sessions as your new life develops and probably shakes your boots a bit.
I'm glad you're here, stick around this time!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Ultimately, you need to do this for yourself. It needs to matter to you, that's what's important. You will find lots of support here, and I'm glad that you're seeing a counsellor.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Dear Hope,
Of course the thought of quitting forever is scary. Life isn't easy; we all have the instinctive need to want to escape.
The problem with using alcohol for this escape, as we know, is that it's progressive. It's not a one-shot, ahhhhhh, I'm okay now kinda thing. There are consequences. And enormous drawbacks.
My life was saved by my counselor. He was not only professionally trained in alcoholism; he's been in recovery himself for many, many years so he really gets it.
I'm glad you're here. Support is so crucial.
There is a life in recovery that I never dreamed of or thought was possible. Hope you'll stick around and learn how many of us have, and continue to, live a very full and content life without alcohol.
Of course the thought of quitting forever is scary. Life isn't easy; we all have the instinctive need to want to escape.
The problem with using alcohol for this escape, as we know, is that it's progressive. It's not a one-shot, ahhhhhh, I'm okay now kinda thing. There are consequences. And enormous drawbacks.
My life was saved by my counselor. He was not only professionally trained in alcoholism; he's been in recovery himself for many, many years so he really gets it.
I'm glad you're here. Support is so crucial.
There is a life in recovery that I never dreamed of or thought was possible. Hope you'll stick around and learn how many of us have, and continue to, live a very full and content life without alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 21
thanks guys for your responses. I am bawling like a baby right now, and I am at work-hope no one comes in here.
I do know that I have to do this for myself if it is going to work, that's been a huge part of the problem. I don't think I am worth it, the old low self-esteem thing. And then I tell myself I don't want to get sober, but that is just the fear. I keep going to counseling after all, but maybe that's just to have somebody in my life to talk to.
very lonely, very afraid to even try to make friends, as all have left over the years of drinking. My friends/ex-husband were all from AA, and when the very people who should have understanding abandoned me, it leaves me loath to try again. Maybe posting on here will help. Hope I can from home this weekend without to much trouble, I have dial-up and it is painfully slow. But I am really scared about making it through the weekend. Maybe I am making this harder than it needs to be, I don't know.
I do know that I have to do this for myself if it is going to work, that's been a huge part of the problem. I don't think I am worth it, the old low self-esteem thing. And then I tell myself I don't want to get sober, but that is just the fear. I keep going to counseling after all, but maybe that's just to have somebody in my life to talk to.
very lonely, very afraid to even try to make friends, as all have left over the years of drinking. My friends/ex-husband were all from AA, and when the very people who should have understanding abandoned me, it leaves me loath to try again. Maybe posting on here will help. Hope I can from home this weekend without to much trouble, I have dial-up and it is painfully slow. But I am really scared about making it through the weekend. Maybe I am making this harder than it needs to be, I don't know.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by hopingtohope 
Why can't I just do these things on my own? I don't know, don't trust myself at all, don't believe I can stay sober. Been at this many, many years. The fear is overwhelming.
No support outside of counselor/therapist/doctor, but have their full support. Just wish I knew someone who cares (who I don't pay to care-that sounds callus-I do appreciate their support).
Did anyone else have this overwhelming fear about quitting-I feel like I am going crazy and don't want to back out of my plan.
No support outside of counselor/therapist/doctor, but have their full support. Just wish I knew someone who cares (who I don't pay to care-that sounds callus-I do appreciate their support).
Did anyone else have this overwhelming fear about quitting-I feel like I am going crazy and don't want to back out of my plan.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Hoping, give using this site a try some more. I had the feeling when I read your first post that the therapists were not working for you, but I don't know - maybe you need a combination of things. It might do you some good to give meetings a try, even though you have a bad feeling about AA since the time you felt abandoned. Hope you will come out of this. Posting here is a start.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
Welcome back! I just wanted to say that I have found so much support here on SR, I hope you do too. I know its scarey to think about developing ways to cope with life sober, but I promise you - it does get easier. It takes lots of patience and honesty with yourself, but you will get there.
What Super71 said about "waiting a few" before picking up a drink seems to be true about anything you are trying to refrain from doing... I've heard similar techniques alot lately. It even works for me with my anxiety disorder. I tend to make some quick and really impetious decisions, and taking (books say 10-20 min - but usually it only takes a few for me now) to distract myself from a thought that makes my heart start to beat faster, has kept me sane of late.... and kept me from drinking/using for a couple of months now.
One wonderful thing I have found about the support I receive here in SR is that most of the time, when I am going through a tough time.... when I am asking for help and telling someone what's going on ~ I never seem to hear this classic therapist phrase:
"I see that you are on the verge of a breakthrough, and I am so glad you're making progress. But unfortunately that's all the time we have for today. We'll have to take this up again in our next session." I'm not discounting the value of therapy, just saying that those we pay "to care" - we pay for time...
The other thing I would like you to look at is the possiblity that you may be looking for validation outside of yourself rather than from within.... it may be the reason you think you must take your anabuse and destroy your prescription in front of someone else. I think I may have recognized something in you from that statement that held me captive within myself. It took me a very long time to even move from that place in my life... much less begin to trust myself and eventually begin to forgive and love myself. I've made too many mistakes in my life to count on all my extremities, and that was really hard.
Today - I am sober and clean for myself. I trust myself (most of the time), am honest with myself (until I catch myself in denial about something and have to straighten that out too), and I love myself. Once upon a time... I would have probably had to do those things in front of someone too. I would just rip up the script and take the anabuse today... and sit there proud of myself.. sure, I would tell my friends how proud I am for doing it... cuz it still feels good to hear "good job" from somebody... but its not about proving myself anymore.
So ~ Congratulations on waking up to day one. Live every second like it was your last one. Remember, we can't change the past, and the future isn't here yet... do it just for today.... when tomorrow comes, its today again.
What Super71 said about "waiting a few" before picking up a drink seems to be true about anything you are trying to refrain from doing... I've heard similar techniques alot lately. It even works for me with my anxiety disorder. I tend to make some quick and really impetious decisions, and taking (books say 10-20 min - but usually it only takes a few for me now) to distract myself from a thought that makes my heart start to beat faster, has kept me sane of late.... and kept me from drinking/using for a couple of months now.
One wonderful thing I have found about the support I receive here in SR is that most of the time, when I am going through a tough time.... when I am asking for help and telling someone what's going on ~ I never seem to hear this classic therapist phrase:
"I see that you are on the verge of a breakthrough, and I am so glad you're making progress. But unfortunately that's all the time we have for today. We'll have to take this up again in our next session." I'm not discounting the value of therapy, just saying that those we pay "to care" - we pay for time...
The other thing I would like you to look at is the possiblity that you may be looking for validation outside of yourself rather than from within.... it may be the reason you think you must take your anabuse and destroy your prescription in front of someone else. I think I may have recognized something in you from that statement that held me captive within myself. It took me a very long time to even move from that place in my life... much less begin to trust myself and eventually begin to forgive and love myself. I've made too many mistakes in my life to count on all my extremities, and that was really hard.
Today - I am sober and clean for myself. I trust myself (most of the time), am honest with myself (until I catch myself in denial about something and have to straighten that out too), and I love myself. Once upon a time... I would have probably had to do those things in front of someone too. I would just rip up the script and take the anabuse today... and sit there proud of myself.. sure, I would tell my friends how proud I am for doing it... cuz it still feels good to hear "good job" from somebody... but its not about proving myself anymore.
So ~ Congratulations on waking up to day one. Live every second like it was your last one. Remember, we can't change the past, and the future isn't here yet... do it just for today.... when tomorrow comes, its today again.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi hoping - You said you're still pretty sick, so if you're still having withdrawal symptoms, one of those is anxiety/depression, cravings, etc.... It will get better if you hang in there. And seeing a doctor about it is always a good idea.
The first few days I was terrified too. I spent almost two full days glued to SR - I just kept reading, reading, reading. The anxiety seemed to get better after about 3-4 days and I started to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and a little more inner strength. I still spend a couple hours here even after almost two months, but it's not wasted time - it like my "treatment" for this disease and it's time that I might have spent drinking or laying in bed with a hangover.
I was a chronic relapser, too. There's alot of us out there!! Please don't feel worthless or hopeless. Your nervous system is out of whack and it's going to take some time to settle it down. If you have to, go to the ER or
detox at a rehab for a couple days to get started. You're worth it!!:ghug3
The first few days I was terrified too. I spent almost two full days glued to SR - I just kept reading, reading, reading. The anxiety seemed to get better after about 3-4 days and I started to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and a little more inner strength. I still spend a couple hours here even after almost two months, but it's not wasted time - it like my "treatment" for this disease and it's time that I might have spent drinking or laying in bed with a hangover.
I was a chronic relapser, too. There's alot of us out there!! Please don't feel worthless or hopeless. Your nervous system is out of whack and it's going to take some time to settle it down. If you have to, go to the ER or
detox at a rehab for a couple days to get started. You're worth it!!:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 21
desert,
so true about looking for validation outside of myself, I feel I have little value and this gets reinforced with what to me feels like rejection. and reinforced some more with the guilt and shame of things I did or didn't do as an alcoholic.
toronto,
I think it is more of me not doing my part with the therapists, at times lying to them, wanting to do it my way and not taking their suggestions (mostly cause at those times I wasn't serious about quitting). If I were them, and I have told them this, I would have "fired" me a long time ago. Maybe subconciously pushing them away before they leave me? I think so at times.
I know that my ex-friends/husband are "not AA", but still really hard not to equate rejection from them as rejection from AA as a whole. working on that, tho.
so true about looking for validation outside of myself, I feel I have little value and this gets reinforced with what to me feels like rejection. and reinforced some more with the guilt and shame of things I did or didn't do as an alcoholic.
toronto,
I think it is more of me not doing my part with the therapists, at times lying to them, wanting to do it my way and not taking their suggestions (mostly cause at those times I wasn't serious about quitting). If I were them, and I have told them this, I would have "fired" me a long time ago. Maybe subconciously pushing them away before they leave me? I think so at times.
I know that my ex-friends/husband are "not AA", but still really hard not to equate rejection from them as rejection from AA as a whole. working on that, tho.
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