Jitterbugg

As I have insomnia detoxing for the 4th day I have been introspecting. This is what my Alcoholsim has done to me in the last 5 years:

A- DUI: 0.16 BAC, one year suspension, $600 fine
B- Lost my job in finance (I resigned, only cuz I knew if I didnt, things would catch up to me. They were already questioning my absences and tardiness. This job was a big reason why i started drinking in the first place)
C- Evicted from my apartment
D- Blew through my savings
E- Declared bankruptcy
F- Arrested for domestic assault (charges withdrawn)
G- In ER with pancreatitis
H- In ER to get stitches for cut on forehead due to drunken fall
I- Had police called to my house for drunken rage against neighbours
J- Was removed from a swanky restaurant on New Years eve when I stumbled into an Ice Sculpture which shattered on the floor

How does this sound to everyone? Am I an extreme case or has anyone had anything similar happen to them?

sleepie

It sounds like you better get in a program of some kind as quickly as possible, before you hurt yourself or someone else irreversibly.

Dee74

I spent a lot of time comparing myself to other alcoholics jitterbugg - either to make myself feel better - I'm not as bad as them - or to feel worse.

The truth is we all have our checklists - whether yours is better or worse than mine is immaterial IMO...but for the record I've seen better...and worse

The real question for all of us should be - is this enough evidence for me to act yet?

Am I done?

D

Hevyn

Hi again Jittery one. I need to make a list of my own - many of those things will be on it. Time dims the memory of all we've put ourselves through. Looking back through the years, every single scary/tragic/stupid/heartbreaking event in my life was the result of drinking. I can't reach back and fix these things - but I never have to add to the list.

I'm glad to see you're looking this thing straight in the eye and not fooling yourself about the consequences of your drinking. You're young & can have a beautiful new life without the anesthesia. I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

sobermax

Hi JB,

I reckon most people here will have a list something like yours, give or take.

Presuming that you want to keep this list from getting any longer, you're in the right place!

If alcohol is causing unwelcome consequences and you are unable to stop, it is likely a good idea to seek some support, as you have done. Kep reading and posting - SR is an amazing source of strength and wisdom.

Good luck!

SM

super71

Jitterbug,

Welcome. I have my own list that pains me greatly. For right now though I am trying to keep from focussing on it too much - not always successful with this - because it just creates anxiety and guilt in me which make me want to drink! The important thing is to take the steps right now that you need to take to stop adding to this list. Being here has helped me immensely and is giving me the strength to continue to do the things I need to do to actually "recover" and not just stop drinking. I am at the very beginning with this (8th day), but we all have to start somewhere. Keep posting and reading - it really helps.

coffeenut

My list was long and stupid. But like Hevyn said....I don't add to it anymore.

Glad you are here! Welcome!

NEOMARXIST

J- Was removed from a swanky restaurant on New Years eve when I stumbled into an Ice Sculpture which shattered on the floor

That one made me smile...

In time if you manage to totally surrender to your alcoholism and admit total and utter defeat you will be able to look back at incidents such as that with a smile too. Not because you're proud or anything but because you remember the horrible mess that you were in and how it's changed around.

I have to say I never went into anywhere 'swanky' enough to have an ice-sculpture but if I had then I would have been proud of that one... Only kidding but it is possible to look back on all of these lists without any pain or sorrow in time but as things that were all part of the 'journey'.

I never had the physical negatives ie- health problems because I got out of the game before that all reared its head. But I would have ultimately goten ill eventually. Though I still suffer with my sinuses and nose pain from my Cocaine and drug abuse. Though that appears to be healing slowly but surely after nearly a year.

I am pleased to say that in my 11+ months sober only positive and happy memories have been added to my life memories. I was sick and tired of unhappy and embarassing, negative memories.

All of the happy memories were chemical euphoria and I can't recollect any of it anyway. Not a good way to live as it's all just fake and false.

Recovery is where it's at for this recovering alcoholic/addict.

Brucel

Jitterbug,
Her's my list, but thru a new pair of glasses,
Get my grandkids this summer for a week to go fishing and horse around
My daughter called to say she is proud of me, nothing more
I'm at a job where the boss trusts me with the key to the register
I'm going to a meeting tonight to see a sponsee who's struggling with his marriage, but he knows I'll listen
I have a God of my understanding that I ask for help everyday
I have hords of friends, here, in meetings, and in the real world that care about me
I'm not bragging Jitters, but 5 1/2 years ago non of that was in my life, NONE OF IT. I asked for help and for NOTHING you guys were there for me. There's a way out of where you are at. Seek and you shall find. God Bless!!

Cornczech

well heck......I will share my list without any shame, excuses or anything......(no not even shame...because it is what it is......)
I got a DUI in 2003.
I almost lost my job, (but certainly my reputation) from missing lots of work...being tardy, hung-over....and VERY incompetent....
have had a "fatty liver" and bad liver enzyme test results....
I had a bad temper even without booze....but I have done some SERIOUSLY crazy angry outburst kind of things......
become a recluse.....
lost my beautiful complexion and figure, (tho' the hysterectomy might have something to do with the lost figure and large belly...)
did I mention I was an angry wench?
started to have seizures, (tho' the neuro's tell me it isn't the alcohol causing the seizures...I have this strange feeling ......)
I lost my alcoholic 38 year old brother, (he took medicine given to him by a shrink..and drank...never woke up....apparently he lost an eye the year before in a drunken fall.....)
speaking of falls....I've scars all over from falls....
my stomach hurts 24/7...(I still drink, by the way)
so...is this enough? I have puked on trains.....in clubs.....on church lawns and know the inside of a toilet bowl like I know the lines on my face......
I can go on if you'd like........

d(-_-)b

Kjell

Hi Jitterbug-

I have a list very similiar to yours, but you'll soon find out that most alcoholics have a similiar list.

It sounds like you may be powerless over alcohol. If that's true, than you are like me.

I'm coming up on 6 months since my last drink, b/c of AA, SR, and a 4 month stint at outpatient rehab therapy. I beleive I've found a solution to my alcoholism.

I haven't had to add anything to my list since I stopped drinking. That's pretty cool.

tallcactus

Welcome Jitterbugg,
We all have a list and thanks for the honestly, because I know that was hard to write.
I think what you are dealing with is the SHAME.
That SHAME will go away if you decide to quit and say enought is enought.
You gotta what to be sober more than you want to drink to be successful.
Start today, say," I will not drink today," and just focus on today. Stay busy. Do something that needs doing: clean the bathroom, empty those closets, yard work, etc. Then just repeat that again the next day. Just stay in the day, do not think about tomorrow and about never drinking again. Come here often, read all the posts, reply to them.
You can do this.
As Hevyn stated; "Time dims the memory of all we've put ourselves through," and If I may add "others."
"One day at a time," has worked for me, approaching one year this July 30th or 31st.
Good luck 2 you. Keep us posted.

Brucel

Hey Jitterbug I just re-read my post and thought it could have been taken out of context. What I really meant to say was that there is hope for you. Sure, we all have lists, I'm a member of AA and if I didn't have a list it would be a short 5th step. I do, I just have stuck around long enough for the list to be ( as somebody said) dimmed. What I've done in the past can be used to help someone like yourself know that it's ok and still have hope for themselves. My list today is full of gratitude for things I don't deserve. If I offended, I'm sorry. God Bless

schem9

That was a good post Bruce.

blue2

Hi Jitterbug,
my list would be very similar but as your list was done A to Z, I considered what if the each point had to begin with the letter:
A-Alcohol, I've had enough for several lifetimes
B-Breath test, got arrested for DUI
C-Catatonic
D-Death would be welcome
E-Everything I considered important is gone
F-Feeling utter revulsion at myself
G-Going to try again
H-Hate this feeling of emptiness without alcohol to numb the pain
I-Idiotic behaviour (have got annoyed that spell check has marked this as wrong, so maybe change it to irrational behavior (US English).
J-Jokes on me
K-Karma, must have done something wrong in the past to deserve this.
L-Love conquers all but not the love for liquor
M-Maxim-alcohol kills
N-Never again
O-Overindulge/overdo/overdose/overuse, everything that an alcoholic does.
P-Paradox, alcohol makes life worth living but it's killing me
Q-Questioning my behavior constantly
R-Responsibility. To my children, family, friends, work colleagues I beg forgiveness.
S-So sick and tired of being sick and tired
T-Trepidation. What am I to do without alcohol in my life?
U-Undreamed. Perhaps sobriety is possible
V-Voracious. My appetite for alcohol
W-Well oiled. My usual state
X-XL Vodka please (what you don't serve it in a pint glass!)
Y-Yield. I give up.
Z-Zero. Set the clock to Zero and start again!

I wish you all the best in recovery.

notnormal

Hi JB,
I almost missed the 5 year note... 'till then I was wondering what you did on Saturday night...
truthfully, it all sounds pretty normal to me but as you'll notice I'm not normal and those kind of things are pretty standard around here.
I need to make a cheat sheet like that for me so I can revert to it when I start to think it might be okay to have a beer with the boys..
nn
31 days

Kmber2010

Jitter, the insomnia should get better and thinking about what we did when we drank or reasons why we did is part of our recovery. I think it is healthy and I remember those first days not being able to sleep at all and coming to SR to read or post. It definitely helped me.

I think it is good you are sharing with us and I could give you a different list of things I did when i was drinking but in the end we all faced some pretty devastating effects from our drinking.

I was in the ER quite a few times from alcoholic binges. The worst was last year when I ended up in the ER because my hand was paralyzed. I couldn't lift my hand up or down and when I went to the ER.....they were certain I suffered a stroke. After hours of testing.....my Dr. came in and said....you were drinking last night right? I said yes....he said you have what is called Saturday Night Palsy. Basically, I was so drunk that I passed out with my hand in a bent position. Normally we would move our hand when the nerve was being pinched but because I was intoxicated....well I didn't. I had pinched the nerve that runs in my arm to hand and I had to wear a brace for months and still suffer some of the effects.

If an alcoholic has never heard of it.....well look it up on the web. That was such a frightening experience to have my hand paralyzed like that. Thanks to my alcoholism.

Instead of thinking of what I did when I drank.....I made a list of what I didn't miss about being a drunk. Think about things that you will able to do in sobriety and look forward my friend.

All the best and stay sober.