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Trying Hard to Quit (for good this time)

Old 06-23-2010, 02:17 PM
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Trying Hard to Quit (for good this time)

I just found this forum today, and can’t explain how much strength and community I feel as a result.
I am 8 days sober today. I think this is the longest I’ve gone without a substance in my body for at least 15 years.
My story is a lot like others. I was unhappy in my marriage, and started drinking to diminish those feelings. I was a full-fledged binge drinker, and when we would have parties, I would end up embarrassing my husband (and myself) by getting so wasted that I would fall all over the place, end up blacking out, and wouldn’t remember anything the next day. The more my marriage fell apart, the more I drank.

I found out in October that my husband was having an “emotional affair” (whatever, it’s cheating), and I kicked him out and filed for divorce. This is when my problem with wine really spiraled out of control. One to two bottles of wine a night became every night, and as a result, I not only felt awful, my job performance began to suffer (though I was really able to hide it), and my self-esteem plummeted.

When I would run out of wine, I would start breaking into the hard stuff. At bars, I would do shot after tequila shot. I was drinking and driving and not remembering how I got home. I was blacking out on a regular basis. In March, I was driving home (wasted) from a date, and crashed my car. I didn’t know that I had crashed my car until the next morning when I went outside to leave for work. I have no idea what I hit or how I got home.

You would think that would have been my “bottom”, but my drinking continued, and continued to get worse.

I obviously have a million embarrassing drunk stories, we all do.

I hit my “bottom” last week. After binge drinking for an entire weekend (the garbage can was a wine bottle graveyard), I took Sunday to recover. Since I had an important presentation to give on Tuesday at work, I decided that I would be a good girl on Monday night and not drink. That didn’t happen.

When I woke up for work on Tuesday morning, my face was so swollen and my eyes were so puffy that I was ashamed of myself. I cried all morning, hating what I had become, and drove to work like a zombie. I didn’t even feel like a person. I pushed through my presentation, and when I got home that night, I looked in the mirror and was so disgusted that I actually told myself “YOU ARE DONE.” “You are only 34 years old, and you are destroying your life.”

It hasn’t been easy. I am finally sleeping through the night, though it took a good 4-5 days. I take alternate routes home from work, so I don’t drive past the liquor store. I count every day as being a HUGE accomplishment, even though to some, 8 days sober might seem like nothing.

I started therapy a few weeks ago, and my therapist has stressed that I need to replace drinking with other behaviors. This is hard. I don’t even know what my interests are anymore. I have had to cancel and turn down invitations from friends, simply because I can NOT be in a bar (or around wine) right now. I want to go to an AA meeting, but I’m terrified, which I know is ridiculous, but it’s the truth. Right now I’m flyin’ high on not drinking for 8 days, and praying that I don’t fall into the same habits again when the novelty wears off. I’ve tried SO MANY times to quit and never made it past 3 days. I have to do it this time. I'm just scared.

Anyway, thank you for your posts. I see so much of myself in many of you.
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Old 06-23-2010, 02:23 PM
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A lot of us here are in the same boat you are, Buckley. I'm on day 6 and I can tell you that feels like a HUGE accomplishment here.

Like you, wine was my vice. I would drink a bottle a night. I never had cravings until the evening-time rolled around. Now I don't know what to do with myself at night, so I find I'm spending a lot of time on this message board.

Also like you, I feel like my friendships may suffer. I told some friends I am 'cutting back' on drinking (no one has ANY clue that I drink alone, they just think I drink a lot with them when we go out) but I fear going to bars. Hell, even to a friend's place. We almost always would have a drink or two at a friend's place when visiting.

Anyway - you're NOT alone. I haven't been to an AA meeting yet either b/c I'm terrified. I'm "white knuckling" it which, according to the old-timers around here, isn't the best strategy. It's just that the idea of going to AA makes me a nervous wreck! Plus, I'm really not a Christian/God person (more spiritual than religious) so I feel like I might struggle with that element of it.

I see myself in your post, completely. I think we can all relate to each other one one level (or more). Hang in there. One day at a time, as they say.
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Old 06-23-2010, 02:27 PM
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Welcome...

Hey, everyone is terrified of that first AA meeting... you'll be so relieved to see all the strength and community you see here, but in real life! Maybe find a women's meeting to start...

Congrats on your 8 days... that is HUGE!!

Keep posting
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Old 06-23-2010, 02:31 PM
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I WAS also a 1 - 2 bottle of wine a night drinker. I can so relate to your post. Relationship trouble..escalated drinking..major consequences...drinking alone. I am on day 6 and have now committed to myself that I will be going to a 12:00 AA meeting on Friday. I thought about it last weekend, but was absolutely petrified at the thought. For some reason I am now feeling "ready" to go. We shall see... I am not a big religious or God person either Eleanor.. hopefully that aspect will not be a big factor. I also don't know what to do with myself it seems, drinking took up so much of my fime before. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I have spent ALOT of time the last 6 days on these boards. I am sure I will wean off a bit once I get more used to this sober thing, but for now it's working for me. So many GOOD people with similar stories. Really gives me hope. Glad you are with us.
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Old 06-23-2010, 02:44 PM
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I WAS also a 1 - 2 bottle of wine a night drinker.
Me too. But if I can stay sober (almost seven months now) so can anyone cause I was a chronic relapser. Congrats on your eight days, that's a good start. Welcome to the SR family!
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:07 PM
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Welcome Buckley! 8 days is huge, so give yourself a pat on the back! I can relate to your story too. It's amazing how much effort I put into drinking just to feel SO bad. Every morning it was like reliving the same nightmare and the hangovers just kept getting worse. I'm still coming to grips with how sick I was.

Keep posting and reading - it's a great way to fill the time for now. Congratulations on making it past your first week. I'm glad you're here!
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:30 PM
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For those that have never gone, my favorite link on what to expect at an AA meeting:

Your First AA Meeting

If you are in large towns, like Toronto and Chicago, you will have tons of options, women only meetings, etc. In smaller towns not so many options. I live in a not too large place (~500K people in a 2 county area) but we probably have 200 meetings a week.

Just go and get it out of your system. Try several meetings, each group is different and has its own personality. If you don't like it you can stop.
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:37 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad that you have decided to stop drinking and you have 8 days sober. That's great!

And, for me, changing daily routines and habits really helped a lot in the beginning. It was a question of planning ahead to be doing something different when I would have been drinking. And, you're wise to stay away from places where there is alcohol. It took a long, long time before I felt comfortable in those situations.

Please know that we understand how hard it is and keep reading and posting.
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:42 PM
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Welcome Buckley.

This is a great group. I don't know I would have made it without the support I found here.
Good luck with your meeting and I hope to see you around some more

D
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:50 PM
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Welcome Chitown.
The fear of the unknown is sometimes overwhelming, I can relate to that. With support here and other places like AA you can find you're not alone in this journey, and there are people who want to help you for free and for fun. That's how I stay sober and it's worked for me for a little while now. One other thing, I guy once told me that courage is not a lack of fear, it's when you do whats right in spite of fear. 8 days shows you're doing what's right for you, in spite of fear. God Bless
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:51 PM
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Both you Eleanor & Buckley are very courages

You ladies are doing so well, the long and the short of it is we need to not
Drink. So for now if this means the library instead of the bar, meeting our
Friends at the coffee shop or just reading a book at home. We need to do
This for ourselves, I know that when I quit in 2007 for 5 months day 1 was 200% tougher than day 150.

Stay strong & remember we are worth the effort & struggle being sober requires,

Rob
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:01 PM
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Hi Buckley, that was an amazing first post. It sounds like are really making some smart choices already, and making it 8 days is a huge accomplishment!

I like what Anna posted. Making new routines and habits are really important right now.
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Old 06-24-2010, 07:25 AM
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"It's amazing how much effort I put into drinking just to feel SO bad." - Artsoul

YES! Thanks for that!

Day 9 and it's getting easier, but the pessimist in me is still waiting for the fallout.

Wine became my best friend, and though I miss her, I know it was a toxic relationship. I think what’s the hardest to come to terms with is that I didn’t necessarily ENJOY wine; I needed it to feel normal.

I am not a religious person either, and this is why I am so apprehensive about AA. Though I wholeheartedly respect other’s beliefs on religion and spirituality, it was something that I never really got much out of.

Reading everyone’s responses to my post made me smile and cry at the same time. I feel so much less alone, and it’s such a good feeling. It’s hard for people that can control their drinking to understand someone that obviously can’t.

I’m trying to figure out things that I can do in place of drinking that will make me happy, but right now it’s just been sleep and TV. Maybe I’ll get some ideas from you guys.

Thanks again. I am truly grateful.
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Old 06-24-2010, 08:11 AM
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Thinking of you Buckley. Congratulations on this step ... you're going the right direction and you CAN do it!!
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Old 06-24-2010, 04:40 PM
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Day 4 for me ( feeling good but thought about drinking today)

Funny thing, my job requires me to be a desk guy some days & work physically other times, we all have triggers that make us think of taking a drink, today was a physical day & usually @ this time of night 6 tall cans of beer would be (empty) & hidden in the garbage pal under food, in the closet behind something or in the garage ready to be thrown away tomorrow. Instead
Me & my Son went for burgers & I am sitting in my chair writing about some of the guilt alcohol caused in my life and sober (pat on back)

Next challenge the weekend,

Thanks for listening and great job to all for another day sober.

Rob

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Old 06-24-2010, 04:58 PM
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I’m trying to figure out things that I can do in place of drinking that will make me happy, but right now it’s just been sleep and TV.
Nothing wrong with watching TV and sleeping..... and there's always eating! (one of my personal favorites)

I haven't really added anything to my routine since I've been sober, but I've been able to MEET the things that have come up (kids calling with car problems, an old friend wanting to talk on the phone, dealing with finances, etc.). That is probably enough for me, at least for now. I did decide the other day to clean my clothes closet (first time in about 5 years!!).

Yeah, I'm bored sometimes and don't know what to do with myself. But coming to SR helps that a lot and again, I'm just really glad that I'm not actively avoiding what the day brings. I think my "next thing" will be a little exercise.
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