Back to Square 1 (Day 3)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 78
Back to Square 1 (Day 3)
Hi all,
I was here a while ago...I was sober for 9 days and then drank alone again. This time I ramped up my drinking. I was drinking at least 5 nights/week - most of them alone with a bottle of wine.
I would fill my evenings with friends, activities and fun things to do and then run to the liquor store or wine store before they closed and make sure I had my booze to help me feel better and fall asleep at night.
I'm on day 3 (again). But this time I mean it. REALLY mean it. I know I 'meant it' last time too but...not enough. I want - no, I NEED - to do this. I'm a closet alcoholic. No one knows but me. My friends know I like to drink a lot when we go out but no one knows I drink alone. Except for you guys here.
I plan to post a lot. I need the support and like giving it, too. Here I am on Day 3. Nights are always the hardest for me.
I was here a while ago...I was sober for 9 days and then drank alone again. This time I ramped up my drinking. I was drinking at least 5 nights/week - most of them alone with a bottle of wine.
I would fill my evenings with friends, activities and fun things to do and then run to the liquor store or wine store before they closed and make sure I had my booze to help me feel better and fall asleep at night.
I'm on day 3 (again). But this time I mean it. REALLY mean it. I know I 'meant it' last time too but...not enough. I want - no, I NEED - to do this. I'm a closet alcoholic. No one knows but me. My friends know I like to drink a lot when we go out but no one knows I drink alone. Except for you guys here.
I plan to post a lot. I need the support and like giving it, too. Here I am on Day 3. Nights are always the hardest for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 401
Don't be too ashamed about your slip or being a closet drinker. You're trying to get on a roll again and that's what counts!
Do you have a routine in the evening that helps you relax before bed? I always drink lots of tea and take a bath in lieu of drinking to help me out before bed. Have a great night!
Do you have a routine in the evening that helps you relax before bed? I always drink lots of tea and take a bath in lieu of drinking to help me out before bed. Have a great night!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
Eleanor, welcome back!
I was a closet drinker too. I spent so much time and energy trying to hide my drinking from my family, sneaking off to be by myself and hoping no one was looking for me. And, the nights were the hardest for me too. I had terrible insomnia and it was so tempting to drink during the night.
Please know that you can do this!
I was a closet drinker too. I spent so much time and energy trying to hide my drinking from my family, sneaking off to be by myself and hoping no one was looking for me. And, the nights were the hardest for me too. I had terrible insomnia and it was so tempting to drink during the night.
Please know that you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
Glad to see you here! I am on day 3 as well, and I can really relate to your post - especially with the wine! 
(see my earlier post today) You CAN do this - have you thought about going to any meetings? I am planning on trying that out this week.. I know I need all the support I can get right now. Keep posting - want to see how you are doing!
(see my earlier post today) You CAN do this - have you thought about going to any meetings? I am planning on trying that out this week.. I know I need all the support I can get right now. Keep posting - want to see how you are doing!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 78
Anna wow YES...that is me! I would wish with all my might no one would come to my door after 8 or 9 pm most nights b/c I'd be drinking alone and didn't want to have to explain to myself to anyone. I've never been 'caught'.
I'd say I've been an alcoholic for the past 5 years or so (I'm 29). It all started when I placed my daughter for adoption, my long-term partner and I split up and I started drinking my loneliness and pain away.
MM - I currently don't have a routine besides drinking...I need to get one. I like your ideas!
super71 - we're in this together! We can do it! I haven't thought about going to meetings b/c I don't know how I could explain my absence to family/friends as to my whereabouts. I really think I need at least a local support person, though. I really want that.
Truth be told, I feel like I'm losing a trusty 'friend'. I know in my head that alcohol is no friend of mine, but my heart really misses it and the way it makes me feel.
I'd say I've been an alcoholic for the past 5 years or so (I'm 29). It all started when I placed my daughter for adoption, my long-term partner and I split up and I started drinking my loneliness and pain away.
MM - I currently don't have a routine besides drinking...I need to get one. I like your ideas!
super71 - we're in this together! We can do it! I haven't thought about going to meetings b/c I don't know how I could explain my absence to family/friends as to my whereabouts. I really think I need at least a local support person, though. I really want that.
Truth be told, I feel like I'm losing a trusty 'friend'. I know in my head that alcohol is no friend of mine, but my heart really misses it and the way it makes me feel.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
Eleanor,
We are in this together I am not sure how you could go about getting a support person without going to AA, but I would love to hear if something like that is out there. I am glad the shops in your area don't serve wine on Sundays - you have made it another day! Good for you! You can do this!
We are in this together
I am not sure how you could go about getting a support person without going to AA, but I would love to hear if something like that is out there. I am glad the shops in your area don't serve wine on Sundays - you have made it another day! Good for you! You can do this!
Recent T-totaller
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by eleanor 
I'd say I've been an alcoholic for the past 5 years or so (I'm 29). It all started when I placed my daughter for adoption, my long-term partner and I split up and I started drinking my loneliness and pain away.
That sounds like an awful lot to carry. Have you really grieved over this or been able to get to grips with it at all other than drinking to make it bearable?
Is there any chance you could get some grief counselling? I'm not saying you need it and I don't know the circumstances in which you placed your daughter for adoption but if your drinking and your loss are connected you may find it helps.
Just reading your post makes me feel an unbearable pain coming through.
Please, stay here and tell us and hopefully we can just make you feel a bit supported.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Margareth
Hi Eleanor,
That sounds like an awful lot to carry. Have you really grieved over this or been able to get to grips with it at all other than drinking to make it bearable?
Is there any chance you could get some grief counselling? I'm not saying you need it and I don't know the circumstances in which you placed your daughter for adoption but if your drinking and your loss are connected you may find it helps.
Just reading your post makes me feel an unbearable pain coming through.
Please, stay here and tell us and hopefully we can just make you feel a bit supported.
That sounds like an awful lot to carry. Have you really grieved over this or been able to get to grips with it at all other than drinking to make it bearable?
Is there any chance you could get some grief counselling? I'm not saying you need it and I don't know the circumstances in which you placed your daughter for adoption but if your drinking and your loss are connected you may find it helps.
Just reading your post makes me feel an unbearable pain coming through.
Please, stay here and tell us and hopefully we can just make you feel a bit supported.
One never knows the pain of giving away a child until you've done it. I was a happier person before then. Never had a drinking problem at all (though I did like to drink when I was younger, it was purely social). After my partner and I split, I began drinking alone at nights. I felt so alone and isolated. I was beating myself up over giving my daughter away. I think, in some ways, I'm still doing that.
Thank you ALL for your support. The kindness of strangers here is almost overwhelming.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
The kindness of strangers here and in AA has definitely helped me get sober. I was a closet drinker too. I doubt anyone knew how much I drank or how seriously my life was affected by alcohol.
As an adopted child, I feel for you. Is it an open adoption situation? There must have been very good and serious reasons for you to make the decision to give your daughter up for adoption. I second the suggestion to have grief counselling, but the other thing to think about is post adoption support for relinguishing mothers. The understanding and support of other women in the same situation would probably help you a lot.
Either way, keep posting here. you'll find a lot of support for your drinking issues.
As an adopted child, I feel for you. Is it an open adoption situation? There must have been very good and serious reasons for you to make the decision to give your daughter up for adoption. I second the suggestion to have grief counselling, but the other thing to think about is post adoption support for relinguishing mothers. The understanding and support of other women in the same situation would probably help you a lot.
Either way, keep posting here. you'll find a lot of support for your drinking issues.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
Eleanor,
Certainly I cannot imagine the emotions linked to your experience and if you can afford it, you should get some help. I am not clear about your post. On one side you cannot justify absences to get to AA meetings or whatever treatment. On the other hand it seems like you are living alone.
No advice, just showing sympathy. Wish you good luck and that you find the support you need. Keep posting
Certainly I cannot imagine the emotions linked to your experience and if you can afford it, you should get some help. I am not clear about your post. On one side you cannot justify absences to get to AA meetings or whatever treatment. On the other hand it seems like you are living alone.
No advice, just showing sympathy. Wish you good luck and that you find the support you need. Keep posting
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Eleanor! I'm glad you're here. Stopping the madness of addiction is hard at first, but so worth it! I know you'll find alot of support and alot of similar stories to yours here. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. You can do it!
Recent T-totaller
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by eleanor
Thank you. Just reading your response brought tears to my eyes. I've never sought grief counseling but in the past week I've seriously considered the fact that I do need to seek out some professional counseling of some sort to deal with the pain of placing my daughter for adoption. I do believe it is linked to my drinking (just to forget the pain).
One never knows the pain of giving away a child until you've done it. I was a happier person before then. Never had a drinking problem at all (though I did like to drink when I was younger, it was purely social). After my partner and I split, I began drinking alone at nights. I felt so alone and isolated. I was beating myself up over giving my daughter away. I think, in some ways, I'm still doing that.
Thank you ALL for your support. The kindness of strangers here is almost overwhelming.
One never knows the pain of giving away a child until you've done it. I was a happier person before then. Never had a drinking problem at all (though I did like to drink when I was younger, it was purely social). After my partner and I split, I began drinking alone at nights. I felt so alone and isolated. I was beating myself up over giving my daughter away. I think, in some ways, I'm still doing that.
Thank you ALL for your support. The kindness of strangers here is almost overwhelming.
Sorry for late response.
I'm glad you are considering getting some counselling. It's not a cure all but it can help to get some clarity and closure.
I can only partly empathise but I had to leave my home country almost five years ago because I and my husband accidentally ran in with some very bad people. I am lucky in that my husbands parents and family welcomed us and provided us with a safety net as Peter is from New Zealand which is were we ended up. I still miss a lot of my homeland even though I would never want to go back there. Saying goodbye to everything and everyone you've ever known in your life is heartbreaking and I also began to drink more after that happened.
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