traid77

How many times can one realistically relapse before they go insane or quit trying?

Part of me, say 60% wants to be sober. The other is, well not happy, but complacent in the reality that I drink. I sometimes (see past posts) get so far on the wagon, I must end up sliding off the other side. Like "Awesome, yeah, I'm definitely gonna go to a meeting when I hit Calgary, I swear" Next thing I know, I'm in front of a VLT with 6 drinks into me. Like last time I posted some personal shite, I just can't help but feel that I am bound to be drinking the rest of my life. The posts from others about their success used to inspire me, now I just get depressed and think "why can't I?" I know you gotta want it, and maybe deep down I just don't? Or is it just my alcoholic brain telling me I like drinking still, and that's why I shouldn't quit. So confused. If anyone has been through this as a similarity, I sure would appreciate some advise. Or if anyone is kinda like me, sitting in the bushes lurking, scared to commit, I could use a buddy to chat 1 on 1 with.

Well, that's my bs, cry into my half glass ramble for tonight. For all of us here in the depths of despair, this is Traid, saying you stay classy, SR.

Dee74

For me? Try at least weekly from 1992 to 2007.
Some of those attempts were vague ideas, some were serious tries....but 15 years for me.

I often woke up in the morning determined...and found myself drunk by 10am.

I often lost my way, I often despaired...but I never completely gave up on trying to be sober.

I guess for me what I did have to give up was the idea that one of the million times I tried drinking was going to work out different - it never was.

Once I gave up on that idea - once I finally accepted I was an alcoholic - I found I could stop fighting myself and put the effort I'd been wasting doing that into staying sober.

It still wasn't easy - but it seemed a lot easier than trying to drink 'like a gentleman' to me.

D

traid77

Thanks Dee. I appreciate your words. Maybe that's it, I just haven't accepted my alcoholism yet.

least

I've been trying to get sober since December '07 and just now have six months. I've lost count of how many times I tried and failed, tried and failed. But it eventually hit me. I am sober now and have no desire to drink any more.

Don't give up. Keep trying. When you want it bad enough it will happen.

WhiteWave

Could very well be. Truly accepting anything is often a challenge for anyone - it's very similar to changing a belief, which anyone will tell you is sometimes next to impossible.

You've already admitted your alcoholic tenancies though - that's a great start! The acceptance comes when the shame and last grains of denial start to fade and you begin to feel a little more comfortable in the role of "a recovering alcoholic". Going to groups/meetings really helped me with this. I've actually gotten to the point where I feel very proud that I've identified and am working on this part of my life. Plenty of parts of my psyche are still a mystery but at least this has a common label and has millions of people who understand it!

Blessed be!

WW

smacked

There's a lot of alcoholics that drink themselves to death. That is your choice. If you come to a point that you want to quit, there are ways to do it and live a longer, healthier life.

Anna

One thing that is certain is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop drinking.

But, you need total motivation to make it work.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

sailorjohn

The only thing I know is that when I finally had enough, I had enough.

The balance scales had tipped to the point where I could see nothing but the losses-if indeed there were any gains ever-with the possibility of losing something I wasn't willing to lose if I continued down that road I was traveling on.

Hopefully, you'll reach that point soon.

Good luck.

SSIL75

I didn't get the 100% desire to quit until I started to enjoy 'sober things'. Like going to the gym and sleeping peacefully and reading for longer than 5 minutes at a time and feeling energized and healthy. I really thought all that stuff before was kind of lame and dull. I would see people at the gym at night (say) and laugh at how lame they were. "What kind of loser works out at 8pm on a Saturday night??? HAHAHAHA"?. Looking back now obviously I was the lame one. What kind of loser drinks 2 bottles of wine a night instead of LIVING?. That's what I think of myself, now.

I wasn't growing. I wasn't changing at all. I was just becoming more sick and more ugly and more fat and more broke and more depressed.

I'll never forget waking up about a week after I stopped drinking. It was 6am and my son brought me a calculator and asked what is was. I immediately launched into some explanation and then went to get my tea ready. I thought man. Last month I would totally have muttered something dismissive about needing an hour to wake up first and that he should go watch TV. But now I wake up and I'm THERE. I'm present.

I did not have a hope of quitting drinking until I started to experience healthy living and how truly satisfying that is.

Good luck to you.

AWOL

Keep trying, Traid. Intention is half the battle won.

It took me more than 30 years of trying to give up drinking to finally stop.

Four things were decisive in persuading me to put that glass down:
1. Admitting to myself and to others that I am an alcoholic.
2. The recognition that I wanted the good things that come with sobriety more than the "buzz" and destruction that go with alcohol.
3. Realizing that alcohol is a painful way to die, and I was certainly on that path.
4. The sincere wish not to leave my kids with the memory of a dad who died of drink.

And you know what my biggest regret in life is? That I didn't get it sooner

Severian

All of them.

Dee74

I don't know if that's your deal Traid but it certainly was mine. I pushed the envelope to breaking point and nearly died before I thought 'hey maybe this drinking thing is pretty much BS after all?'.

I hope you can find an easier way than me

D

NEOMARXIST

I know with me then it would be a total lottery. And I don't gamble as part of my recovery!

A relapse would mean a blackout mother of all binges with as much booze and drugs as I could get down my neck as fast as possible. I would probably end up dead or killing somebody else through drink-driving or some other horrible thing happening. Or maybe I wouldn't? If not then I would be drinking again regularly as my recreational activity and an active alcoholic again.

I relate to the post about the balance scales by SailorJohn. I know I wouldn;t get anything positive out of drinking but instead a whole heap of negatives which would likely seal my fate as a drunk who drinks himself to death, losing everything in the process.

You also say 60% of you wants to be sober. Well to be honest that's your answer there. Unless 100% wants sobriety then you ain't gonna make it. Total acceptance of your alcoholism is also crucial imo. Without that then whats stopping you taking the first drink eventually?

peace

traid77

Well, I finally did it. I went to a meeting!!! I told myself, "just drive by, see what the building looks like." Then, "Poke your head in, its early, no one will notice" Then "F#%k it, you're here, might as well take a seat."

Best decision I could have made. It was a speaker meeting, a young lady who had a story much like mine and she did a great job. I asked the guy I sat next to if I had to sign in or something and mentioned it was my first meeting, he shook my hand and welcomed me, gave me some instructions on what to say, and that was it. Nice people, all pretty much normal, not the rag-tag bunch I kinda expected. Thanks to all of you who have had patience with my posts, I hope I can carry on now that I have made the "official" declaration.

Thanks,

Traid.

Dee74

Good work traid

D

Chops

Hahaha awesome... good job man :-)

I did the same exact thing, after walking around the building 10 times to make sure no one saw me go in.

yeahgr8

Thats great news, glad you enjoyed the meeting:-)

BloodnbonE

i know what you are saying about the part wanting to quit and the other part not caring too much or whatever kinda like some good vs evil type thing goin on in the subconscious. this too feels to me like the real battle to me itself. im still stuck at the crossroads. i know what i need to do in order to have a better life (i think) but yea.. oh well im back here and just taking it as it goes. i wish i could give you some answers

Dee74

welcome back BloodnbonE

D

coming_clean

i´ve been relapsing for many many years....now i went to a few NA meetings, and I fully understand i´m an addict. Sobriety is the only way for me. Other options are depression, physical destruction and death.

It doesn´t really matter how much we relapse, as long as we keep fighting this disease...