aurelia

I'm at day 9 of sobriety, and all I want right now is a cold beer and/or a hit of weed.

I find myself questioning why I am doing this... what's the big deal of using substances here and there?

I'm not sure that I'm an alcoholic. I have had problems with addiction before-- previously adderall, currently cigarettes, and I love marijuana with such fervor, that perhaps it is addiction. I've used other substances as well, but not with any regularity-- just recreationally.

I went to art school, and all the people I came of age with and know currently use substances. My roommate smokes weed every day, and drinks almost every day. When I would use substances, I would smoke a little bit of pot every other day or so-- sometimes less, sometimes more. I would drink with slightly less regularity than that.

I decided to stop so that I could get back to the business of feeling and understanding my feelings, and now that I'm engaged in that business and in the incredibly stressful work that provides me with my living, I just want a beer and a hit of weed to make it easier.

F**k.

Advice? Thoughts? Relevant experiences? Anything?

Part of me feels like using pot and alcohol occasionally isn't a bad thing. The other part feels like I should continue on this path of sobriety, because it's interesting that it is so hard for me, and I am in touch with my emotions more than I have been for some time. All of me thinks that I don't really have very many friends who understand why I would willfully undergo this process, or how to support it. And I am super-reluctant to go to one of those 12-step meetings.

hendershot

Aurelia,

You may have once used beer and pot as a 'destressor.' But you don't anymore. Now you use it because you are a marijuana addict. Pothead-alcy here, fairly young and in college, so I know the difficulty in quitting smoking pot especially in an enviroment where it is generally treated as harmless. For some it may be, but it wasn't for me.

As fair as ambivalence, I was right there with you early on. Ambivalence is a good thing, at least it was for me. If I didn't want sobriety I wouldn't even mess with the idea. Inevitably the addict voice in your head is going to try to convince you to sobriety = bad/stupid/pointless. The voice that tells you its not is the healthy self.

I'd suggest trying 12 step meetings despite your reluctance. There are other paths to sobriety but 12 step is the easiest, most accessible, and has helped the most people.

Also consider discussing this with a doctor/psychiatrist. Marijuana withdrawal takes time and can be an emotional rollercoaster. More people kill themselves coming off marijuana than other drugs.

Best of luck. Welcome to the board and stick around.

artsoul

Hi aurelia - I'm an artist, too, and making a living at it (not easy right now). I used alcohol to help loosen me up, but it turned into a nightmare for me, so I have to learn to paint (and feel) sober again.

One thing comes to mind after reading your post: If you're miserable without your substances, it may indicate at least a psychological addiction. Have you ever thought of (general) counseling, just to address these issues?

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

sobermax

Hey Aurelia,

Only you can know if this is a problem, and if you should quit.

People don't find their way to SR by accident . . .?

Why not just test out a meeting or two and talk to some people face to face? You don't have to commit to anything and it may help to clarify your thinking.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.

SM

aurelia

thanks all for your helpful responses. Thank you so much. I actually made it to my first AA meeting right after posting this, and it was truly wonderful. I guess that says something.

As for counseling.. That's actually the only reason I ever thought to stop using substances, because in comparing my usage of substances to others around me, I had never thought I had a problem. I think I may have been wrong. I recently started seeing a therapist, and he challenged me to go a week without mind-altering substances. The first time I tried I lasted 4 days. That was surprising to me.

More than anything I'm stopping substance use in order to regain my emotional life back. And as that's happening-- as I'm feeling things, and understanding what I've been trying to avoid feeling-- I'm beginning to realize how and why substance usage has become such a crutch for me.

Thanks again, everybody.

least

I can only say that if either or both are causing you trouble or bad feelings, physical or mental, it might be a good idea to give it/them up for a while - say a month or two or three. See what it's like again to live clean and sober.

I can't speak to the pot as I was a wino. But I too thought I couldn't live without my wine, and now the thought of drinking wine makes me actually feel a bit sick.

I use a mix of meetings, weekly counseling, and this site to stay sober. Whatever you find or invent that keeps you sober, go for it.

Give it a good shot and see how you feel sober.

Welcome to SR!

TwelveSteps

Hey Aurelia,

thanks for posting. For me the real "you are an alcoholic" moment came when my friend did her annual one month of abstinence from drinking, and I tried to join her, and couldn't. If you're able to stop for a time, maybe that will help you find an answer?

GG