Hadit.........check your pm's.

Mike

I can definitely give you a "things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm". Good luck hadit, sounds like you are in a great place to deal with whatever results, and that my friend is awesome!

Hey Hadit,

Nothing new to add here - really sorry to hear of your trouble though.

I agree with some of the other posts here - sounds to me like she now has nothing to fix, and the 'divorce but not quite yet, when I say so' an attempt to regain the control she has lost.

Beers in the fridge though? That seems pretty cruel to me.

Hope you find a way through all this.

SM

Hey all,
back on again, Power out for 4 hrs due to T-storm. Thank you all so much for all the great replies, means a lot to me thanks!!!

Daytrader, thanks for the p.m. I tried to reply to it but something is messed up on my end. will def try to get it going tomorrow after work.

Again Thank you all so much...hadit

Sounds like that she is jealous that you are achieving sobriety on your own terms. Maybe it's intimidating to her that you may be able to unleash a potential you never achieved while drinking. If she is a bit of a "self-help" guru, she may be in uncharted waters with your change of lifestyle.

The one thing about my partner is that while she's wanted me to be sober for years, she has admitted there is something familiar about being with me the alcoholic. I was predictably under the influence and that was my identity. Maybe your new sober identity is confusing to someone that has analyzed addiction on the internet for so many years.

Maybe I'm totally off base here though. That's the thing with my free advice, you get what you pay for, lol! Keep us posted

I would suggest marriage councelling. She is happy for you to stay there in the house, that suggests she has not given up hope. She may be confused. She may be having an affair but not sure about the whole thing.

Hi Hadit,

Hi Hadit,

I wondered when reading your post if she is having an affair. Smoke and mirrors is a common tactic for those who are. They create distractions and diversions to confuse the other person into believing that something else is wrong, to keep you away from finding out what really is going on.

Maybe if she is having an affair, you getting sober has just taken away her justification for having that affair and you getting drunk again would mean she could continue the affair with a clear conscience.

Whether she is having an affair or not, wants you drunk or not, wants a divorce or not... the real issue here is your recovery from alcoholism.

Have you heard the saying? - The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.

I would suggest you stay close to your sponsor and talk about all these frustruations with him but keep focused on working through those steps. Once you have done the steps and had a spiritual awakening, the answers to these questions like "am I ever going to be happy here?" will come easier to to you. Have a read of the Promises on p83/84

In the meantime perhaps one thing you can do when your wife brings up the issue of divorce or not is suggest she goes to Al-anon, while you are going to AA. Once you have both worked your programs, you will both be in a better place to talk about the future.

Well done on staying sober. :)

IMO, whether your wife is having an affair or not doesn't matter at this point.
It has clearly been reflected in your expose that your wife has her own problems that she will deal sooner or later on her own. This has stopped being your problem.

Get the beer out of the house. Keep a record of this thread. Protect yourself and your children. If she is driving home drunk from a company party, she does not have good judgement. She should not be trusted.

You know this, trust your experience of the situation.

Regardless of what she is trying to do, you are staying sober at all cost. Don't use her as an excuse to drink again. Chances are she isn't worth a relaps.

You don't need this drama in your life.

Hang in there.

I think she is testing you and your current "version" of sobriety, it's her way of continuing to control the situation, and in a very real way she is still controlling you; I mean just look at how it's got you all bugged out and here asking people about it instead of just confronting it (and her) head on. As for the beer in the fridge, it SHOULD bother you, it's OK if it DOES bother you and she probably just wants a reaction out of you to see if you are still vulnerable and susceptible to her "help" and her control. Stand up for yourself and for your sobriety, get that beer out of your house and stop trying to act like everything is OK no problem, when and if it's not.

Be REAL. Speak up. Speak OUT.

That will really freak her out. And good luck!

Glad you are sober and working recovery.

I am divorced and well for me it was the best thing. There was no way I was ever going to get sober with the ex around me. He bashed me period......then used my drinking as ammo but when I ever did anything positive for me that made me a better person....well he find fault in that. When I cut out drinking.....he would then use those days or nights to booze hard at home.

I wish you the best. It took me years to get to the place I am at and what I will say is that I could never trust your wife. For me that is a deal breaker to rattle off divorce like that at a time that you so need support. We aren't talking a loving heart to heart but nonsense that usually as includes a motive. If anyone plays the divorce card then more then likely they will use it again. What kind of love is that. I guess I done been there and done that and I learned.

Huggs on your recovery as that is the most important thing right now and to provide the safest, most positive environment for the kids.

Hi Hadit.....so sorry for your confusion and pain while trying to make your life work....your wife should be your rock and support, instead, I agree, it sounds like she is trying to justify her own actions...I wouldn't be surprised if she is unfaithful.

She cannot have it both ways....you can't be divorced and live together separate lives and *friends*...that is insanity....the beer in the fridge is cruelty and sounds manipulative too.

you are the strong one, congrats on your decisions, please don't let her turn you into a doormat.

I just want to add another comment here, and that is that it NEVER occurred to me that my husband was codependent to me. Until quite a long way into my recovery. Could have knocked me over with a feather, but when I realized that, oh, yeah, lots of puzzle pieces fell into place.

What kind of guy buys a girlfriend a car only 5 months into dating? My husband did. I was shocked. He would go on to do many things like that as the years went by. In retrospect, now I see that he has been the codependent fixer. I was the accident, he was the ambulance and the tow truck.

With many of the recovering alcoholic men I talk to in the rooms, the wives were not so much the fixers as the controllers. Controlling seems to be the theme of codependent wives, fixing seems to be the theme of codependent husbands. But, I can easily see how the roles could be switched around easily.

Maybe your wife is codependent? Maybe she sees her role as fixer? My husband did. Now I have to struggle to remind him not to fix everything for me. I am not making a mess anymore.