Petewill

Hello everyone.......... i have been here many times before, under a different name(swampy), but was embarrassed about not getting it, since 2004.. just want to come clean with that. anyway, these last few attempts to get this are just not working. I am again at day 1 and feel all of the guilt and the shame. I am coming off a 6 day bender. I lost my car, later to have the police find it, pissed some people off, blacked out on whiskey most of the time. sorry, this sounds so scattered, but my brain is not functioning properly. there is alot more to tell, but you guys know how most of this goes. anyway, i had 18 months before and have been relapsing since october of last year. the most i have put together since has been 41 days. I am 42, have 2 kids, 2 different moms, failed marrige and failed relationship, lack of self-esteem, self-loathing to the max, failed musician, living with parents and not working,and of course single. The girls I do get to hang with usually run the other way after spending sometime with me..well, just finished school for the semester for web development. somehow, I managed to make it to class most of the time. I am so down right now, If I had a gun I would seriously consider doing myself off. I was obviously lacking something when I had the clean time before, it was really believing in a higher power maybe, just not that spiritual and I tend the look at things very darkly and am negative most of the time. when I am drinking or doing coke, i don't feel the void or emptiness of my life, for awhile. I am afraid when I get clean again, I will be like that.damned if I use, damned if i don't. basically, i feel screwed. I don't know what I am saying, just need to let this out. I did go to a meeting today and spoke to my sponsor and felt a little better afterward. god, I just feel like crap.. sorry to vent and being so scatterbrained.. lost

keithj

What city are you in? I'll send you a listing of Primary Purpose AA groups or try to get you hooked up with somebody solid in your area. Barring a personal connection, my only suggestion is to find the biggest Big Book thumping closed meeting of AA you can. It's all I know that works for someone in your position.

Find it and grab hold of the guy that talks of a spiritual experience as being the only hope of a doomed alcoholic. Look for the guy that knows the desperation of a real Step 1 experience and latch on to him and do whatever he suggests out of that book he's carrying.

If he's the right guy, he'll show you what he did to recover. He'll offer that freely to you if you'll have it. If he doesn't, find somebody else until you find that guy.

hendershot

Whatever gets you here is worth the price of admission.

Glad you are here sharing about it. But I tend to agree with keith. Get out to some AA and find a sponsor that has a trackrecord and do everything he tells you.

least

Welcome back to SR! I hope you can find the motivation/method to get and stay sober this time. It's so worth it to live sober.

Bazel

To quote Piglet, "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you thought". This is all very true as you already shown it by posting. Believe in it. Have you ever considered going into a dry out center. My brother did it years ago as he was beyond able to work through it alone and it worked very well for him. If I remember correctly, he stayed three weeks and it was life changing for him. Very hands on, very safe. Perhaps that is something you may be interested in. Feeling like your life is worthless is a nasty place to be. In an enviroment like that, you will always have support 24/7. I truly hope you find something that works for you.

Petewill

Thanks very much for responding to me.. yes, keithj, i go to NA meetings when not on a binge and have a sponsor I have worked with before, but have been avoiding him abit lately for obvious reasons, until today. I can and have tried out many times, I feel a little better already. I will go to another NA meeting tonite.

Brucel

Hey Pete, Welcome back. The only thing I could add to Keith's suggestion is to make that a Men's Closed meeting. I'm happily married and so is my Home group and most of the other meetings I attend are men's groups. I try to remove as many of the distractions as I can. Anyways, welcome back. Oh yeah, one more thing. There's a quote in the chapter about spiritual experiences in the back of the AA big book from Herbert Spenser. Read it and see if it makes any sense. God Bless

artsoul

Hi Pete - nice to meet you and welcome back! Sometimes all we have to hold onto is a little hope that things will get better, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. Most of us have already proven to ourselves that it only
gets worse if we keep drinking.

I hope you find the support you need. My experience is that when I'm 100% willing, it somehow shows up. Keep posting!

Petewill

Thanks again for your replies. Doing a little better today, deciding to do inpatient or outpatient rehab.. out of town or locally... ..

Anna

Hi Pete,

I am glad that you're here and doing better.

Self-loathing is part of addiction and it can really destroy us. You said that, even when you were 18 months sober, you were still dark and negative. I hope you find a way to begin to see things in a more positive light. It's hard sometimes, but I know if I allow the negativity to settle in, I am headed for a downward spiral.

I think it's good that you are looking at rehab.

Bazel

Just my two cents, but I really believe in the power of suggestion. If I choose to think positively about something, I will find positive. If I choose to find negative, I will most certainly find negative. I always look for the positive and it works for me.....even if it is just a little, it is certainly better than focusing on the negative! Good luck to you, I hope you can find peace and happiness.

coffeenut

Welcome back.

Kmber2010

Pete....Glad you are back and posting. Keep it going friend and I hope you get to a better place.

Keep posting. I find that getting things off my chest with people who relate helps tremendously!!

Petewill

again, I really appreciate the input.... doing much better now and it's amazing the little clarity one gets after a few days without using. tomorrow is day 4. Went to 2 meetings today and made an appointment with an outpatient place here in town, they can't see me until the 30th to be diagnosed though. I really want to try and make this work this time. I am sick of the failures...thanks.

Surlyredhead

artsoul

Your plans sound great - just keep it ODAAT and enjoy that clarity! I remember after about 3 or 4 days I woke up and I smiled and thought "gee, when was the last time I did THAT in the morning....."