2besober

I have been digging around the archives looking for some previous thread about this but can't seem to find any. I am wondering if anyone can tell me how often recovery ends in divorce. It seems that the longer I am sober, the more I am struggling in my marriage. I started drinking to cope with my partners' addiction to narcotics. She was an active addict for four years then stopped. She walks a fine line as she continues to take narcotics as prescribed for a chronic condition. Her addiction almost ended our marriage. She is not in AA or NA. Then my drinking became a problem- not one that she ever noticed or felt was a problem. I drank every day to cope with life. We have two special needs kids and she became disabled about 6 years ago. It was too much. Now that I am not drinking to cope, it still feels even more like too much. Her health is much better but she does not work outside of the home. She is a very good mom. A lot of the the time though, I feel like I am the provider and caretaker of three children rather than the mother of two and partner of one. I am starting to lose hope about our marriage. We have been together 18 years. Have any of you been through this and had your marriages survive? Just for more information, I am almost six months sober and am working an AA program.

2be

shelly009

It sounds like you have a very busy life. I commend you for making the decision to get yourself better for your family. I have no answers for you unfortuntely but just wanted to say hello and let you know I think you have made some great choices for yourself! I hope things get better for you and your wife.

I am interested to know any stats too. I guess even if change is in a positive direction for one or both of the partners... rocking the boat can sometimes overturn it.

SlvrMag

Unfortunately, my marriage did not survive after I got clean.

When I was using, all he wanted was for me to stop. After 6 years, I did.
He was supportive at first, but very quickly became very un-supportive, asking me how long this $*it was going to be in his life (meaning my recovery).

I was growing, figuring out exactly who it is I am, and we just grew apart.

I left him and got a divorce. It was hard but turns out it was the right thing for me to do.

I am very happy now. Him, not so much, and I feel bad that I hurt him but I just don't see two unhappy people staying married and wasting each others time.

I hope it doesn't sound like I take marriage vows lightly, I don't, but marriage is supposed to be a happy, healthy union.

praiseHim

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate. Are there any support groups in your area for special needs kids or for your wife's condition? Maybe that would help. Good for you that you are in recovery! I hope that things get better for you.

DayTrader

Dunno about percentages. My guess is they're probably not good but that likely has to do with all the damage done by the AA that the other spouse just can't forgive / get past.

Make sure you're doing continual WRITTEN inventories.....and think about putting the one I quoted above in the resentment list. Take it to God and take it to your sponsor. Remember..... we need to be DOING things about the problems in our lives not JUST thinking about them.

Try to stay in the moment too. I find it really easy to start worrying about what's coming next and how to deal with hit. I get so tied up thinking that I'm not as good a person NOW as I could have been. Sometimes it's darn tough not to worry about the future - especially until you develop the habit of NOT worrying about the future........and that takes practice and time.

.......I dig it when this happens.....: check out the reading today in "Daily Reflections" if you have the book. If you don't, it'll be posted here sometime later this AM : Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

2besober

Thanks all-

Daytrader you are so right that I am not in the moment. It is actually our 18th anniversary today so I will just try to be present for that and ask for God's help to let all the resentments I carry to fall away- at least for today. I am also planning on going to my first al-anon meeting this morning as it looks like I can make the time work. I appreciate the call to action. I am very tired and depressed so the sky can look pretty dark.

Sometimes I want to run away and start anew. Then I remember, wherever you go there you are.

2be

flutter

Every situation is so different.. you could look up all the statistics in the universe and it really wouldn't apply, ya know?

Personally, my marriage survived my drinking, and my recovery. However, my husband doesn't have any addiction/alcoholism issues, so I was more re-joining a healthy partner in our marriage. We almost didn't survive.. but with a lot of work, and committment to living healthy (both of us!) we're still here!

Would your partner be open to some counseling? While nothing you can do can affect her addiction issues, or vice versa.. maybe talking to someone else would help see if you guys are in it for the long haul, or just merely surviving the day.

Anna

Hi,

I know that early recovery is a time with many changes, and my whole life was shaken from top to bottom.

I had to deal with the issues that alcohol had been covering up. I had to recognize that I was co-dependent and had not been seeing things as they really were. My husband does not drink and our marriage survived, however it is different, at least for me.

Tommyh

my marriage is still going strong and I have ala non and AA to thank for it
we both tried to get well together and try and save our marriage
most folks I know do save their marriages,however not all of them do
one thing is sure,AA can help you stay sober if your marriage survives or not

Mark75

So many variables, I agree with flutter, your experience will be your experience. My marriage has survived so far... And barring any unforeseen circumstances, I expect it to. Like Anna, it's different. Not worse, better in many ways, but it feels different.

Mark

Hope4Recovery

I am hoping my marriage will improve since I've begun my recovery. My wife has no addiction issues but she does have issues - who doesn't? I've found myself thinking frequently, "OK, I'm working on my alcoholism, what about you?" My wife was extremely tolerant of my drinking. Never gave an ultimatum but did express concern at times. I guess I did not address many issues while drinking because I pretty much blamed myself for all of our problems. As my thinking becomes clearer I realize that it isn't this easy. My drinking was definitely a problem, but not the only problem. This is the hard part, accepting that problems don't magically go away just because the drinking stopped. I am better equipped to deal with things though and our communication is improving some.

Mark75

You just described my wife's attitude towards my drinking exactly. She had more issue with the rough early road of sobriety than my drinking!!

Much better now!!

She has her one drink before bed and that's it... Alcohol is not a part of the relationship any more.

2besober

Thanks so much for your willingness to share your experiences. It is given me a great deal of hope. Today was a good day and we had a lovely eveing out celebrating our anniversary. We went to a lovely restaurant and had a great 2 1/2 hour dinner and conversation. One day at a time is the key for me. I get too far ahead of myself with worry and with fear and I am in trouble. Thank you all for your help. This early recovery stuff is really tough!

2be

coffeenut

Very interesting thread.

I'm in recovery. He's still drinking. The marriage is surviving very well.

Yes, the relationship has changed. Not for the bad, but for the different.

CajunsCheri

It's really important to realize that when we are using/abusing our emotional growth (maturity) completely halts and sometimes even recedes. When we get sober, we begin to grow emotionally again. This can make immaturities in another person look bigger to us than they did before. There are a couple things to do. Counseling is really great because we can work on ourselves and our behavior toward the person. Sometimes, if we continue to treat them with respect, love, and understanding, they can grow WITH us. Unfortunately, if someone does not grow WITH us, many times we seek the company of others who are on the same or similar emotional maturity level we are. Beware, however. Everyone slips up on this. It is harder, but more rewarding to stay where we are and try to be a blessing to the people in our lives whom we love.

It's just another take, but I think it's a valid argument. I think too often these days (myself included....I wrote the book on this one...) we ignore the "for better or FOR WORSE" part of our vows. The world is full of sick people mostly. And sober does not mean we are well. It just means we made a small improvement. There is lots more to do. Lots more!!! =)

I wish you very well in your recovery! Thanks for listening!

1sttimestepper

Since my AA experience is limited i would like to offer you some support for the feeling you feel about caring for your family. I understand it's not living in the moment however it is also very common when carrying for a spouse. I've worked as a caregiver and have seen this so many times. I recommend getting help every one needs a break have some one do the chores you don't like. Respite care is important for everyone. Take care and best of luck.

Dee74

Hi and welcome 1sttimestepper

this thread is actually 18 months old. I'm not sure if the OP is still around or not

D