Day 13 - Guilt, shame and hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: St Petersburg, FL
Posts: 43
Day 13 - Guilt, shame and hope
Hi all,
Here on Day 13. I can't believe I am almost at two weeks and that my desire to not drink is stronger than my desire to drink. I'm putting everything I've got into sobriety and recovery because I look at it as fighting for my life. The dark places I have gone to and the physical and psychologial damage I did to myself almost killed me. I'm not being dramatic - That's the truth, as hard as it is for me to admit and look at. I am now a blackout drinker (a new thing for me, despite drinking for 25 years). When I drink, I leave the house and wander about town in a blackout, talking to strangers, calling friends and family with bizarre requests for help that turn into confrontation and accusations, drinking in public places, etc. etc. etc. etc. I have lost jobs, spent every penny I ever earned (and lots of money that I didn't earn), ruined friendships and relationships, totalled a car, had another car repossessed, lied, cheated and stole. Oh yeah, almost forgot, went to jail too!....Nice
In short, I am a pathetic, whining, snivelling, miserable person when I drink. My friends, family and employers are all sick to death of it. It's embarrassing and fills me with shame.
Thankfully, today I am willing to look at all of those things and use them as motivation for not drinking today. Each day that I don't drink, things look a little better and seem a little more manageable. I feel WAY better physically and am sleeping well. My emotional state is a bit of a rollercoaster but I'm learning that when I sit throught the dark periods without drinking, they pass and I feel better on the other side. I am creating new ways of dealing with those times. When I freak out and feel like I might need to drink to solve something I'm going through or the way I'm feeling, I try to remember one thing -The problems i face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking i was at when i created them.
So today I'm raising the level. My brain functions so much better without alcohol clouding my judgements and logic. I feel myself returning to sanity. It's an incredible feeling and is really keeping me going. That plus hanging out here on SR and reading, absorbing, laughing and crying. This place is awesome. I know I don't know any of you personally but I feel already like I do. I follow so many of you and your stories and experiences give me hope and strenth.
Thanks everybody! Have another great sober day,
Steven
Here on Day 13. I can't believe I am almost at two weeks and that my desire to not drink is stronger than my desire to drink. I'm putting everything I've got into sobriety and recovery because I look at it as fighting for my life. The dark places I have gone to and the physical and psychologial damage I did to myself almost killed me. I'm not being dramatic - That's the truth, as hard as it is for me to admit and look at. I am now a blackout drinker (a new thing for me, despite drinking for 25 years). When I drink, I leave the house and wander about town in a blackout, talking to strangers, calling friends and family with bizarre requests for help that turn into confrontation and accusations, drinking in public places, etc. etc. etc. etc. I have lost jobs, spent every penny I ever earned (and lots of money that I didn't earn), ruined friendships and relationships, totalled a car, had another car repossessed, lied, cheated and stole. Oh yeah, almost forgot, went to jail too!....Nice
In short, I am a pathetic, whining, snivelling, miserable person when I drink. My friends, family and employers are all sick to death of it. It's embarrassing and fills me with shame.
Thankfully, today I am willing to look at all of those things and use them as motivation for not drinking today. Each day that I don't drink, things look a little better and seem a little more manageable. I feel WAY better physically and am sleeping well. My emotional state is a bit of a rollercoaster but I'm learning that when I sit throught the dark periods without drinking, they pass and I feel better on the other side. I am creating new ways of dealing with those times. When I freak out and feel like I might need to drink to solve something I'm going through or the way I'm feeling, I try to remember one thing -The problems i face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking i was at when i created them.
So today I'm raising the level. My brain functions so much better without alcohol clouding my judgements and logic. I feel myself returning to sanity. It's an incredible feeling and is really keeping me going. That plus hanging out here on SR and reading, absorbing, laughing and crying. This place is awesome. I know I don't know any of you personally but I feel already like I do. I follow so many of you and your stories and experiences give me hope and strenth.
Thanks everybody! Have another great sober day,
Steven
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
I felt the same way in terms of drinking. For years, I was predictable when I drank with the exception of the occasional bender but during my divorce and even on my recent relapse I became like you. Writing and saying bizarre things.....and acting down right crazy. Starting out crying and then somehow hateful at everyone I talked to.
So glad we are both sober and enjoying sobriety. It only gets better friend. Keep on going!!
So glad we are both sober and enjoying sobriety. It only gets better friend. Keep on going!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Same here.
The not knowing what happened is awful - makes it impossible to look ANYONE in the eye because what if . . .
Horrible binges racking up debt, paranoia, mystery injuries, cringe-making phone calls / emails that come back to bite you the next week . . .it goes on and on.
Using the experiences as armour as you say is very useful to me - they are now helping to keep me sober, and that's what it took to get there.
It isn't that I am always hateful to people when I drink, but utterly unpredictable - like playing russian roulette with a lunatic.
Scarily, it was taking less and less blackout, and at the very end, just a couple would send me NUTS.
Really helpful post Steven, thank you.
The not knowing what happened is awful - makes it impossible to look ANYONE in the eye because what if . . .
Horrible binges racking up debt, paranoia, mystery injuries, cringe-making phone calls / emails that come back to bite you the next week . . .it goes on and on.
Using the experiences as armour as you say is very useful to me - they are now helping to keep me sober, and that's what it took to get there.
It isn't that I am always hateful to people when I drink, but utterly unpredictable - like playing russian roulette with a lunatic.
Scarily, it was taking less and less blackout, and at the very end, just a couple would send me NUTS.
Really helpful post Steven, thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
It sounds like you are in a phase of realizing the "gift" of quitting instead of keeping the awful burden of the substance running through your body. It's choosing life over death in more ways than one. Daily.
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