Afraid of being called a failure, etc.
 

Hi folks:

If this type of idea has been posted already, please forgive me. There are tens of thousands of posts on this board, and using the search feature didn't narrow it down much.

Here's the thing. I'm afraid to tell anyone that I'm trying to quit drinking for good, in case I fail and crawl back into a bottle. It's bad enough to think badly of yourself for being an alcohol abuser, but to be labeled with the whole "he has no will power" thing would just about do me in.

So should I just shut up and carry on (not drinking, I mean)? Does telling someone you're trying to quit make it easier or more difficult?

Just asking.

I didn't a have "coming out" about sobriety. I relapsed when I did it for others and when I thought I had alcoholism beat.

Each person has their own way of recovery. I got sober alone and turned to SR/counseling for support but getting sober for me allowed me to really look at my life as a whole and make many changes which I am still making in my early sobriety.

I think you are thinking way ahead and a suggestion would be to focus on the here and now. Take it one day at a time and start making changes as to how you deal with the ups/downs, triggers, lifestyle. etc.

Don't stress on who to tell. Trust your gut. If you feel telling those that matter to you then go for it.

Way I see it.....no one will keep you sober but you.

Stay strong and keep posting. All the best!

I told no one.

I had made so many promises that I had broken, so I decided to just do it.

Let people see by your actions that you have changed.

When i made the decision to finally quit i just told those that are closest to me what was going on. I found that they all were glad that i'd made that decision. Many i had thought didn't know my problem(lol) expressed happiness that i was quitting. Nobody asked why.

I also informed via phone or text my using "friends" that i was out and to please not call me. They all obliged.

I didn't make it known to people in general at first. As a few months passed and i began to look and behave quite differently i became willing to share with most people what i've done with my life.

With some, i simply say i've made a decision to be healthy today. With others there has been full disclosure. I think only the individual can determnine who falls under what category.

I do know that for me the only thing that keeps me clean is my desire to do whatever it takes to not drink or use drugs one day at a time. Accountability is fine, and it provides some help i suppose, but i can easily lie my ass off to anyone, and i did in the past.

This is about me and my self honesty with my intentions and actions on a daily basis. I've reached a place where i have no shame or guilt over the fact that i'm an addict but i still do not share my story with everyone. It simply depends on the person and circumstances. I've found that the vast majority of people out there really don't give a crap about the specifics of my life. Imagine that! haha! I'm doing well, that's good. I'm doing bad, that's too bad. That's about the extent of most personal interactions outside my family, close friends, and fellow NA members. I'm not nearly as important as i thought i was in my ego-centric grandiose world of active addiction, and thank god for that!

Hey Radio,

If not drinking was only a matter of will power, we surely wouldn't be here.

Some sober friends I have said that telling others about their resolve to get sober made them feel accountable and motivated them to stay sober so as to not look like a failure.

For me, sobriety was a personal decision and choice. The only one I wanted it for was myself and the only one I was accountable to was myself.

That's not to say that I didn't inform close family members and one good friend. We all need support.

However, I chose who to share my decision with knowing that if I succeeded or failed, they would support me.

For me, recovery is not a marathon or competition; it's my life.

I lived too much in shame and self-loathing while drinking that I was my own worst enemy. These days, I'm my own best friend each and every day and I strive to maintain that relationship with myself, which in turn, affects those around me.

Some people still don't know what it is, but they like it. That's very cool.

Different people have different takes on this issue. Personally, I chose to come out immediately upon getting sober. It kept me accountable during early sobriety, and I believe it played a part in my success. The support of those around me was an integral part of my ability to keep sober during those first few months. I've continued to be open about it, both to keep myself accountable and to make myself available to anyone who might have questions on recovery/addiction/etc.

Thanks, everyone. I guess the ol' "one day at a time" thing really is the way to go. I'm really starting to wonder if my "friends" at my usual watering holes will actually miss me... or even notice I'm gone! I will actually miss some of them (mostly the bartenders), but I'm willing to "take the hit", as it were.

Many thanks.

Yeah, one day at a time is definitely where it's at. At first i wondered what my using friends would think. Would they miss me? What are they doing? Now i don't remember the last time i thought about those people. I have a new life today, with new friends. A very few old friends remain, but they understand and respect my situation and weren't the addicts i ran with anyway.

Good question and pretty common concern radio. I think this is a very personal choice. I have only told one person in my off-line world. I can see either way and telling people for accountability. Like August wrote though you can lie to people you are accountable to as well. Try not to worry too much about that now and do what you feel comfortable with.

We have been writing about this on our Class of April - Part Two thread...check out the last few pages of that to get more opinions.

Hi Radio! Like most of the others - I didn't make any sort of announcement. I wanted to see if it would "take" first. I didn't really trust myself, and didn't want to ruin my credibility with the people closest to me - or what was left of it. (I had already alienated many of them with my behavior.)

I decided to see how it went, and then say something when I felt confident that I was going to make it. After a few months, I was happy to tell everyone. I wanted people to know I was aware of the mess I had made, and was facing up to the things I'd done.

Whatever you decide, be proud of yourself for making this big change in your life.

Hi Radio, Welcome to SR and I hope you find all the support you need, I think we can only call ourselves failures, if we never tried, or if we did and we failed, but then didn't get up and try again. Its all about getting up again. You are here, thats a start. Keep reading and keep posting and im sure you will be very successful in your attempt. Never give up! (((HUGS)))

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down. "
~ Mary Pickford

I think this is a pretty common concern with most of us when we first try for sobriety and/or gain a little time.

I personally did not tell any of my 'old drinking buddies' probably because I stopped going where they were. I learned by 'hanging' with other sober folks that I would probably lose my 'old friend' (translation - drinking buddies).

As to my family, there was no reason to tell them, as they had given up hope on me a long time before I stopped.

I had a sponsor who gently kept reminding me to STAY IN TODAY or I would miss so much. One Day At A Time, became my mantra. That one day at a time has now amounted to 10,594 days (29 years). They do mount up and in the process have given me a life I would never have dreamed was possible.

I was always a GREAT STARTER on any and everything I tried but was was a CHITTY FINISHER on all until I found sobriety. On this I believe I have 'stuck to it.' I am not a failure and you don't have to be either!

Thank you for starting this thread ...................... it's a great reminder to me of what it was like!

Love and hugs,

The so describes me.

Back on topic, my first attempts at sobriety I told no one. I now see this as giving myself permission to relapse, especially when I travel out of town which I do often. This of course led to a relapse.

On each successive attempt at Sobriety, I opened up a little bit and told family and friends. Now that I finally "got it", I will tell anybody, if it comes up, that I am a sober member of alcoholics anonymous. I am proud of that and won't let anyone or anything threaten my sobriety.

Radio
when I joined AA and quit,I told a friend I drank with and many others

17 years later my old friend called me and asked if i was still going to those meetings,
yes i said
can you come talk to me he asked
i went
he came to meetings and eventually got sober
by telling him I was going to AA and quitting drinking years ago may have played a part in saving his life,or it may not have
but in either case I am glad i told him

I told my wife and my doctor. My wife has been very supportive, even though I am away at meetings so much of the time (I live in a rural area, and you sometimes have to drive quite a ways between meetings). I haven't told anyone else, though probably that is in part because my drinking as led over time to my being pretty isolated socially. I think I am not the only one in this sort of situation. I'm working on it!

Quoted for truth!

I was a scab on the rear of society at the end and I had no buddies drinking or otherwise so that was not a concern for me. :-)

The people who care will notice (the positive change), you don't have to say a thing.

Once everyone knew, it set up a kind of mental defense against the first drink for me. Now, I have exaggerated self importance and in this case it helped. This ego trip I am on has lessened but is by no means gone in sobriety. I imagined what people (especially fellow AAs) would think if I drank and it kept me away from the bottle on a few occasions.

I think of it as a character defect not lifted for my own protection.

PS the only two reactions I ever get to me saying I quit drinking are "Thank God" and "its about time."

Thanks very much. Well, the "failure" part is all me, and my wife. As far as life itself goes, and aside from my liver... I still haven't managed to do any irreparable damage: I'm still well regarded in my field of endeavor; since I got my present job 27 years ago (which is, not coincidentally, when my heavy drinking started... 'nother story), I've never been in danger of losing my wife, my car, my house, my job or my family or friends. I have become well known in my small world, and have worked myself up a couple of steps into a management position. It's only temporary, but it still opens doors.

As far as I have been able to discern, the vast majority of my colleagues— although many do know I'm a "hard drinker" and "like to party" in the right settings— have no idea what I've done to myself. Am I kidding myself? Maybe, but I don't think so. In my job I hear ALL the nasty rumors floating around; even more now than before.

But I can't get cozy; I realize I have a problem and I must do something. It's still scary, though. Afraid of what I'll "miss" by not drinking... *sigh* always something.

a wise woman...if I need to run my mouth, I do it here....I don't want to discuss or debate my sobriety, I just want to be sober...as time goes on I casually mention it here and there....I drag flavored tea bags with me everywhere as I'm not fond of soda...I mention that my meds for HTN don't mix well with alcohol.

What you'll "miss" is further liver damage that will likely put you in an early grave. You'll "miss" hangovers and periods of time that you can't remember what happened. You'll "miss" the guilt, shame, and conflicted feelings about your drinking habits.

My experience was that things got different, then they got better. There's so much more to life than drinking and drugging. So much more to enjoy.