Just another junkie story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 9
Just another junkie story
My name is ManicPanic, and I am an addict.
My story is starts out like just about everyone else. I had a great childhood, but at 12 years old I remembered my first thoughts of feeling "different" than other people. I had a sensitivity to everything that didn't exist in most kids my age. I saw the pain of the world around me, and I felt it, and I took it to heart.
I began to feel bad about myself, and like I didn't fit in anywhere.
These feelings only intensified over the next couple of years, and evolved to the point of hopelessness and self loathing. Mind you, this is after a good 10 or 11 years of feeling pure happiness. I had started to notice mental health issues at 9 or 10 (OCD) but I wasn't aware what I was just starting to deal with, and blew it off for a while.
Anyway, at the start of my freshman year I began to withdraw from the friends that I had grown up, which were your typical preppy, jock type kids who enjoyed brushing their teeth, putting on a smile, and doing the right thing. I started to hang out with "the wrong crowd." I was a great athlete, and I stopped playing sports.
It was at this time, at 14, almost 15 that I began to experiment with drugs.
I remember in health class they taught us about inhalants, in a way that, to me, made them incredibly appealing. Legal, found in most households, easy to cover up, etc. I started my drug use by huffing gas, and quickly began to do it with regularity. I would do it my parents shed, or take bike rides into the woods with a water bottle full of gas. It was one day a couple of months into this, that I woke up from a blackout from doing this, that an older neighbor kid was in the wood smoking weed, and I tried it for the first time at 14. I continued to huff gas and smoke weed off and on for about a year, and my mental health problems just got worse and worse.
By the end of my Freshman year, I had develope anorexia, and lost 60 pounds in a few months. I wasn't eating, and exercise was my new drug and obsession. At my worst, I was 5-7 and 106 pounds, which for a guy is pretty small. I remember being told by doctors that if I dropped under 100 pounds they would hospitalize me and feed me with a tube. At this time I began taking anti-depressants for the first time, Zoloft. Oh yeah, backing up a bit, a few weeks before this, myself and a girlfriend and her friend took a shitload of vivran and got ****** up and sick. My girlfriend was rushed to the ER and had her stomach pumped. Anyway, Freshman year ends, Zoloft starts, I got better from the eating disorder, slowly but surely.
Sophomore year, no drugs. It was a year of repair in so many ways, and it was a long battle, which included a two week stint in a mental hospital in January. By the end of the year, I was back to a good place however, weight wise, mentally, etc, and things were going well.
Junior year, again, no drugs, and it was a pretty good year. I met a girl at the end of my Junior year, and had the best summer of my life in the summer of '97, a summer in which I fell in love for the first time, and had my first taste of a co-dependent relationship. This relationship, though toxic in so many ways, again, became a drug and a obsession. This girl was a good girl, and thus I walked the straight and narrow. The relationship lasted a year and a half, from the end of my junior year to a few months after I graduated.
It ended with my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and my trust and belief in other humans scarred forever.
At this time I began heavy drinking for the first time in my life. I went on a drinking binge for a good month and a half, and ended up attempting suicide, and another stint in a mental hospital.
The next few years were full of drug and alcohol abuse off and on, often very heavy. At 23 I met my wife. At 24 my daughter was born. The mental health problems continued to be a challenge off and on, but I quit using drugs, and drank very rarely, I even quit smoking cigarettes.
Over the course of the next few years my two sons were born. Many promotions came about at work, we built a house, and I had everything a person could ask for within reason.
For some reason, it wasn't enough. I have been searching for something to fill me up and make me whole for many years now. Getting everything I wanted didn't do it however. I turned to drugs, and abused them worse over the last two years than I had ever done before. The last two years have been heaven and hell rapped into one package.
Anyway, in March of this year, I was in serious risk of losing my family, and I realized I had a problem. I voluntarily checked into rehab and completed a 21 day stint. After 65 days of clean time, I relapsed last Monday. I took 60 skittles and tripped my balls off for about 10 hours. My wife found out, and I am trying again, have 7 days under my belt.
I went to a meeting tonight, and am going to really try this time to work the program. I am torn though, I feel like drugs are the only thing that balance me out and keep me sane, but that fine line is just too difficult to walk.
I can never get high enough, I can never get high enough times, it's just never enough. I am a slave to this ****, I am powerless, but I still want it, and I know my wife and kids won't be there forever. I have so much to lose in my life. 30 years old, never been arrested, very good job, a wife and three kids who love me, and killing myself slowly seems more appealing, but I don't want it to be. I can't sleep tonight, and I found this place tonight, and wanted to pour my guts out. If you read this, thanks. Anything, at all, in response to this is appreciated, I am desperate. This is my life, and I have to get this right now, before it's too late.
My story is starts out like just about everyone else. I had a great childhood, but at 12 years old I remembered my first thoughts of feeling "different" than other people. I had a sensitivity to everything that didn't exist in most kids my age. I saw the pain of the world around me, and I felt it, and I took it to heart.
I began to feel bad about myself, and like I didn't fit in anywhere.
These feelings only intensified over the next couple of years, and evolved to the point of hopelessness and self loathing. Mind you, this is after a good 10 or 11 years of feeling pure happiness. I had started to notice mental health issues at 9 or 10 (OCD) but I wasn't aware what I was just starting to deal with, and blew it off for a while.
Anyway, at the start of my freshman year I began to withdraw from the friends that I had grown up, which were your typical preppy, jock type kids who enjoyed brushing their teeth, putting on a smile, and doing the right thing. I started to hang out with "the wrong crowd." I was a great athlete, and I stopped playing sports.
It was at this time, at 14, almost 15 that I began to experiment with drugs.
I remember in health class they taught us about inhalants, in a way that, to me, made them incredibly appealing. Legal, found in most households, easy to cover up, etc. I started my drug use by huffing gas, and quickly began to do it with regularity. I would do it my parents shed, or take bike rides into the woods with a water bottle full of gas. It was one day a couple of months into this, that I woke up from a blackout from doing this, that an older neighbor kid was in the wood smoking weed, and I tried it for the first time at 14. I continued to huff gas and smoke weed off and on for about a year, and my mental health problems just got worse and worse.
By the end of my Freshman year, I had develope anorexia, and lost 60 pounds in a few months. I wasn't eating, and exercise was my new drug and obsession. At my worst, I was 5-7 and 106 pounds, which for a guy is pretty small. I remember being told by doctors that if I dropped under 100 pounds they would hospitalize me and feed me with a tube. At this time I began taking anti-depressants for the first time, Zoloft. Oh yeah, backing up a bit, a few weeks before this, myself and a girlfriend and her friend took a shitload of vivran and got ****** up and sick. My girlfriend was rushed to the ER and had her stomach pumped. Anyway, Freshman year ends, Zoloft starts, I got better from the eating disorder, slowly but surely.
Sophomore year, no drugs. It was a year of repair in so many ways, and it was a long battle, which included a two week stint in a mental hospital in January. By the end of the year, I was back to a good place however, weight wise, mentally, etc, and things were going well.
Junior year, again, no drugs, and it was a pretty good year. I met a girl at the end of my Junior year, and had the best summer of my life in the summer of '97, a summer in which I fell in love for the first time, and had my first taste of a co-dependent relationship. This relationship, though toxic in so many ways, again, became a drug and a obsession. This girl was a good girl, and thus I walked the straight and narrow. The relationship lasted a year and a half, from the end of my junior year to a few months after I graduated.
It ended with my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and my trust and belief in other humans scarred forever.
At this time I began heavy drinking for the first time in my life. I went on a drinking binge for a good month and a half, and ended up attempting suicide, and another stint in a mental hospital.
The next few years were full of drug and alcohol abuse off and on, often very heavy. At 23 I met my wife. At 24 my daughter was born. The mental health problems continued to be a challenge off and on, but I quit using drugs, and drank very rarely, I even quit smoking cigarettes.
Over the course of the next few years my two sons were born. Many promotions came about at work, we built a house, and I had everything a person could ask for within reason.
For some reason, it wasn't enough. I have been searching for something to fill me up and make me whole for many years now. Getting everything I wanted didn't do it however. I turned to drugs, and abused them worse over the last two years than I had ever done before. The last two years have been heaven and hell rapped into one package.
Anyway, in March of this year, I was in serious risk of losing my family, and I realized I had a problem. I voluntarily checked into rehab and completed a 21 day stint. After 65 days of clean time, I relapsed last Monday. I took 60 skittles and tripped my balls off for about 10 hours. My wife found out, and I am trying again, have 7 days under my belt.
I went to a meeting tonight, and am going to really try this time to work the program. I am torn though, I feel like drugs are the only thing that balance me out and keep me sane, but that fine line is just too difficult to walk.
I can never get high enough, I can never get high enough times, it's just never enough. I am a slave to this ****, I am powerless, but I still want it, and I know my wife and kids won't be there forever. I have so much to lose in my life. 30 years old, never been arrested, very good job, a wife and three kids who love me, and killing myself slowly seems more appealing, but I don't want it to be. I can't sleep tonight, and I found this place tonight, and wanted to pour my guts out. If you read this, thanks. Anything, at all, in response to this is appreciated, I am desperate. This is my life, and I have to get this right now, before it's too late.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 55
Sending you peaceful vibes and many hugs. I hope you find the peace of mind you're seeking, my friend. This is a great place to come to for strength, support, and to find others who can inspire and relate on so many levels.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
MP,
Welcome to SR,
Thank you for the post.
One thing that struck me is what you wrote about realizing how "sensitive" you were to the world around you. That seems to be a common trait with many of us.
I hope you'll keep posting here at SR , this is a good group. They've helped me in so many ways the past couple of months.
Grateful in Carolina
Welcome to SR,
Thank you for the post.
One thing that struck me is what you wrote about realizing how "sensitive" you were to the world around you. That seems to be a common trait with many of us.
I hope you'll keep posting here at SR , this is a good group. They've helped me in so many ways the past couple of months.
Grateful in Carolina
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Welcome to SR manicpanic 
I used to feel that drugs and drink were the only things that balanced me out and kept me sane too...trouble was I wasn't sane.
It was just another BS line I fed myself to keep me hooked.
I know what true balance and true sanity (and serenity) are now.
You'll find a lot of help and support here - SR helped turn me around - I hope we can do the same for you
D
I used to feel that drugs and drink were the only things that balanced me out and kept me sane too...trouble was I wasn't sane.
It was just another BS line I fed myself to keep me hooked.
I know what true balance and true sanity (and serenity) are now.
You'll find a lot of help and support here - SR helped turn me around - I hope we can do the same for you
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Redefining Happy
Posts: 2,085
Welcome to SR Manic,
SR is filled with wonderful people who are so supportive. We all share a common goal.
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. I hope you continue to post and share with us.
Do whatever it takes to not pick up that first drink.
SR is filled with wonderful people who are so supportive. We all share a common goal.
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. I hope you continue to post and share with us.
Do whatever it takes to not pick up that first drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 9
Things are not going to well.
After 65 days clean (21 in rehab and 45 out) I replaced on May 31st, and once again this evening.
The bitch of it is, I know I have to work the program, go to meetings, read and educate myself, get a sponsor, etc. However, for the 45 days I was out, I was not going to meetings, not working the program, etc, and that seemed to work better for me. Since my relapse on May 31st, I have started to go to meetings and am trying to commit myself to this, truly commit myself. The problem is, right after I got of rehab, I didn't commit myself at all, but the thought in the back of my head that maybe I could use again after things calmed down helped me get through days. Now that I want do this right and do it for real, I am scared ******** at the thought of never getting high again, and it's what's messing me up.
Honestly, I am just a mess and in a bad place right now. My first relapse I shared with my family, therapist, etc. This one, at least for now I will not. I know this is supposed to be an honest program, and I should, but not for now, it will just set me back even further. I do plan to go to a meeting this week and get this **** off of my chest, I have to or it will eat me up inside.
I saw my therapist on Thursday, and she said I have quit living in the past of where I was, and too far into the future of where I want to be because it is so far ahead of where I am now that it will get the better of me, and it is. The problem is, the present sucks and I don't know how to dig myself from this hole. Living in the moment and taking things one day at a time is so hard for me. I am just seeking answers and solace in something, and finding it nowhere.
Thanks for the welcome here, and any advice, help, support would be greatly appeciated, I need it so bad right now.
After 65 days clean (21 in rehab and 45 out) I replaced on May 31st, and once again this evening.
The bitch of it is, I know I have to work the program, go to meetings, read and educate myself, get a sponsor, etc. However, for the 45 days I was out, I was not going to meetings, not working the program, etc, and that seemed to work better for me. Since my relapse on May 31st, I have started to go to meetings and am trying to commit myself to this, truly commit myself. The problem is, right after I got of rehab, I didn't commit myself at all, but the thought in the back of my head that maybe I could use again after things calmed down helped me get through days. Now that I want do this right and do it for real, I am scared ******** at the thought of never getting high again, and it's what's messing me up.
Honestly, I am just a mess and in a bad place right now. My first relapse I shared with my family, therapist, etc. This one, at least for now I will not. I know this is supposed to be an honest program, and I should, but not for now, it will just set me back even further. I do plan to go to a meeting this week and get this **** off of my chest, I have to or it will eat me up inside.
I saw my therapist on Thursday, and she said I have quit living in the past of where I was, and too far into the future of where I want to be because it is so far ahead of where I am now that it will get the better of me, and it is. The problem is, the present sucks and I don't know how to dig myself from this hole. Living in the moment and taking things one day at a time is so hard for me. I am just seeking answers and solace in something, and finding it nowhere.
Thanks for the welcome here, and any advice, help, support would be greatly appeciated, I need it so bad right now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
hi manicpanic
It was hard for me to just 'be' too...I'd spent a lot of years fiddling with my environment and state of mind...to give up that control (even tho it was long after it ceased to work) took a lot of effort...and not a little time.
For me, answers came from going through the process of readjustment, not by trying to hurry it up or by looking ahead or behind.
It's a tough lesson but a necessary one, I think.
It takes some faith - but things really do get better if you stay true to your commitment.
D
It was hard for me to just 'be' too...I'd spent a lot of years fiddling with my environment and state of mind...to give up that control (even tho it was long after it ceased to work) took a lot of effort...and not a little time.
For me, answers came from going through the process of readjustment, not by trying to hurry it up or by looking ahead or behind.
It's a tough lesson but a necessary one, I think.
It takes some faith - but things really do get better if you stay true to your commitment.
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Now that I want do this right and do it for real, I am scared ******** at the thought of never getting high again, and it's what's messing me up.
We only really have two choices - to drink/use and continue to reinforce our pattern, or be willing to endure temporary discomfort in order to change. The people here at SR have convinced me I don't have to live the way I was living. I don't believe you have to, either. Glad you're here!!
p.s. I find that seeing a psychiatrist for medical help with underlying depression and OCD thinking, really helps makes the process easier.
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