Kjell

So I've got about 150+ days sober. I'm in AA working with a sponsor and I'm on step 8.

I had a lot of "false starts", but this one feels different.

For the first few months, I was literally a walking AA, inpatient therapy, and SR zombie. I got up, prayed, went to work, went either to outpatient therapy or AA, went home to bed and did the same thing day in and day out for months. Even though I drank once during this time, it eventually kept me sober and gave me a firm enough start to something solid. My head was so cloudy though, I can't really recall much and it was only a short time ago.

After a while, my head started to clear (I've still got a ways to go in that dept) and no matter what I did or do, I'm filled with guilt, shame, and remorse as the reality of my past and present is becoming crystal clear. The weight of alcoholism and what it really means has crept in. I feel less than. Yes, I am better than I was and I've had a lot of good days since my last drink. There is no doubt I cannot drink again. There is no doubt I'm making some serious progress and getting better (getting well). ...but always, undeniable, I felt and feel guilt, shame, and remorse Again, I feel less than.

You could also say my fall from grace has seriously bruised my ego. I cannot escape it. On my way to what I hope is my bottom is a lost job, lost girl, two duis/totalled cars, jails, financial holes, and of course shattered relationships all over the place. Oh and of course MAJOR embarrassment painted on everything.

I often day dream about waking up 10 years earlier in my life and getting a 2nd chance to do thing over.

For some reason, I thought that maybe I can...sort of. I mean, why can't this chapter of my life only be that - a chapter and not the entire story?

Random, hopeful, and hopefully contagious thoughts from a drunk trying to get better and have less fear in life...

Kjell

Anna

Hi Kjell,

Congratulations on your recovery!

I know exactly how you feel. I was completely overwhelmed with the guilt and shame I had caused in my life. It's not easy to overcome and I still have moments when the emotions sweep over me.

BUT, it is not me. As you said, addiction does not define me. I am a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a friend, a volunteer, an employee and many other things. Yes, I am an addict, but I will not allow it to define me.

Work on forgiving yourself. Journal your emotions. In desperation, after a couple of years of trying to shake the feelings, I began to journal and it was a big help.

Dee74

I hope you can start to feel more than again Kjell.

I definitely see my alcoholism as a part of me - but it's not the whole.

It's a problem I used to have that I now manage successfully

Every day I do more and more things to confirm that I'm not the man I used to be - and I'm so very glad for it

D

totfit

Congratulations on your sober time. Stay sober and do the next best thing and time will heal those feelings of being less than. Unfortunately it doesn't come as quickly or noticeably as we would like, but one day you will wake up and realize you don't feel like that any more and will not know exactly when that change occurred. Guaranteed (if you stay sober and do the next right thing).

intention

Hi Kjell,


Reading your post it seems to me that you are looking for things a bit like it says we can have in the Promises - p83/84.

The Promises happen when we are half way through Step 9. You are on Step 8 - almost there. Perhaps fear is holding you there and that is understandable.

Prayer is good for willingness. It's also good for resentments if resentments are preventing willingness to make amends. I'm thinking of the story "Freedom from Bondage" - it's a good one, if you have never read it.

You really have come a long way in 150+ days. Not just with being sober and leaving the old life of chaos behind, but how much work you have put into your program. You already have a lot to give others with your experience - soon you will be sharing with them the solution as it worked for you.
Well done.

yeahgr8

Like intention said...

step 9 for me was clearing the wreckage of the past and it is like you get a clean sheet of paper to start all over again on...in fact it is actually much better than a blank sheet because...well you can tell me why when you are half way through step 9:-)

Keep going Kjell!

Kjell

Very true - I've been stalling on my step 8 and you know why? Oh just good ole FEAR which seems to be the root of all my troubles. I don't always show it as fear, most of the time it comes out as anger, jealousy, or resentments, but it all stems from fear.

I think I'm even fearful of truly getting better b/c of the responsability that entails.

Thank you for all the helpful responses.

Kjell

Very true - I've been stalling on my step 8 and you know why? Oh just good ole FEAR which seems to be the root of all my troubles. I don't always show it as fear, most of the time it comes out as anger, jealousy, or resentments, but it all stems from fear.

I think I'm even fearful of truly getting better b/c of the responsability that entails.

Thank you for all the helpful responses.

yeahgr8

Well step 8 will basically come from step 4...you might find a couple of amends due lurking though...your sponsor will help you with that;-)

My first amend was to my family doctor.

I had a problem downstairs and everytime i had sex it hurt...i went to the docs and he said you need to be circumcised...i point blank refused, no-one is going anywhere near that with a scapel...so i lived with it until 25 and then got it done cos i was so miserable...it even got to the point where i would go to clubs and avoid women that came up to me cos i knew that it would be pointless, when i say pointless it really hurt and i was fed up with it...

Anyways i sent a letter to the clinic he worked at after the operation demanding he be struck off when i was 25...he replied and said to find a new doctor...

He was to blame for all the times that it hurt and for all the problems that came from the not wanting to have sex so much because it hurt...

Of course once restored to sanity and seeing my part in it, which was basically not listening to advice and being scared then i wrote a letter to the clinic asking them to forward it on...the docs retired now so thats all i could do...sweet huh a letter:-)

Now for the next one, not going to be a letter as i could easily get in front of the guy...i didnt think this was important at all, it was to the bar owner that fed me all those drinks for all those years the guy that never tried to help me and the root of all my problems with alcohol...

But once again having been restored to sanity and seeing my part in it it was not his fault in anyway shape or form, nor was their any fault to apportion anyway as i was sick...but i am defo still responsible obviously now i am sane and see it as it really was...

When i decided that i needed to stop drinking by eliminating all my friends from my life (my latest crazy great idea to get sober in 2007), he was a good friend by the way, i proceeded to carve his bar up, smashing it up, hack into his email account and send emails 'from him' out to 800 businesses in the local area insulting the local people and giving his home number and address (it was a foreign country) and leaving a hefty tab...his wife ended up getting the calls at home and it was a dreadful time for them...

Obviously hacking into the account etc is a criminal offence and authorities had been informed...so i was crapping myself...in the end i did it after about 2 weeks of hell worrying about it all the time with my great sponsor asking me everyday had i done it...in hoindsight i would have wlaked down on day 1 but as you say our great friend fear was there for me as always...

Long story short he forgave me on the spot and wished me the best and was sad our friendship was over and shook my hand...i offered to pay for bar etc and said that i would go to the police if he wanted me to, he wanted no money and said he didnt want to press charges..i walked out of there in a daze...

Various family amends of course, other amends to friends of old...2 financial amends that would have meant me doing a few years inside had they gone all the way...arrangements were made to make payments after explaining the situation and once again i was wished good luck and good to hear you are doing well...wtf??

Been ut ofmy home country for 9 years, was convinced i would get collared for tax...couldnt go back to my own country and especially couldnt get a job there...would be jail for me for sure...rang tax office, told them everything and they said oh cool will be good to have you back, when you get back please fill in a form xyz to say you been away and thats fine...7 YEARS PLUS OF SHITTING MYSELF ABOUT THE JAIL WAITING FOR ME AT HOME AND IT NEVER WAS THE CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the time i had done the first two amends the promises came true and i was not scared to do the rest...

Point is nothing to be scared of apart from not recovering and posting that you are running away from booze and living half a life...

Freedom from the past...not a blank sheet but a sheet with assets from the past and skills and no defects and no resentments and not owing anybody anything...walking down the street with no fear...finally i am cool, well ok God (my HP) is cool but now i am cool by association...whatever i am cool!!!! lol

There are a couple of amends that i will make if i see the person but these are in the appropriate place and time...my sponsor decided that, i didnt! Also other amends will come up after the steps, i had one that i did a couple of months ago but again this wasnt an amend at the time of working the steps...then we get to catch the amends wquick by working the steps on a daily basis so they dont get big and we dont have to carry them around....they also are few and far between now save when i might be curt to someone serving me or something like that...all gold!

intention

I had the fear of the unknown in the future and to move on from it I went through what I call blind faith. I put my faith in God, or my higher power, to direct my life and trust that he will make my life a whole lot better than I would have ever made it if I was running the show. That's happened and continues..

But as I have gone on this spiritual journey, I don't feel the fear of the future anymore. I was just sharing to someone tonight that I actually get excited about the future because it's unkown and I am no longer in control.

It's a real change from fear to excitment. I just love this life now. I just know that you are going to as well.