Loss of Support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Loss of Support
Hi guys,
I recently discovered this forum and reading your posts has been a big help, thank you.
I have been in AA for a couple of months and had a relapse Friday night. The trigger was that my boyfriend started law school in Chicago in August (we lived in California), and the separation has been really hard on me. I was in Chicago over the Memorial Day weekend, and coming home was unusually hard this time.
When I expressed this to him we got in a fight over my level of emotional dependence on him (I happen to agree with him) and I ended up going out and buying a bottle of vodka and drinking half of it. I just had to get away from the feeling of being so alone. When I talked to him Saturday, I told him that I drank (I tried to make clear that I wasn't blaming him, it was my choice to react by picking up a drink) but he was so upset with me that he hung up on me and we haven't talked since.
I've gone to as many AA meetings this weekend as possible, shared about it, and met with my sponsor, but the feeling of loss of his support is still overwhelming. I'm not sure how to get through it and stay sober. I know we can't let our sobriety depend on someone else, but I am just feeling so vulnerable right now I really need his support and I don't know what to do.
I know what the advice is -- keep going to meetings, call people in the program, and DON'T DRINK, but it just helped a little to share how I feel with you all. Thanks for reading and for your support.
GG
I recently discovered this forum and reading your posts has been a big help, thank you.
I have been in AA for a couple of months and had a relapse Friday night. The trigger was that my boyfriend started law school in Chicago in August (we lived in California), and the separation has been really hard on me. I was in Chicago over the Memorial Day weekend, and coming home was unusually hard this time.
When I expressed this to him we got in a fight over my level of emotional dependence on him (I happen to agree with him) and I ended up going out and buying a bottle of vodka and drinking half of it. I just had to get away from the feeling of being so alone. When I talked to him Saturday, I told him that I drank (I tried to make clear that I wasn't blaming him, it was my choice to react by picking up a drink) but he was so upset with me that he hung up on me and we haven't talked since.
I've gone to as many AA meetings this weekend as possible, shared about it, and met with my sponsor, but the feeling of loss of his support is still overwhelming. I'm not sure how to get through it and stay sober. I know we can't let our sobriety depend on someone else, but I am just feeling so vulnerable right now I really need his support and I don't know what to do.
I know what the advice is -- keep going to meetings, call people in the program, and DON'T DRINK, but it just helped a little to share how I feel with you all. Thanks for reading and for your support.
GG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi GG, good for you for getting to those meetings. You won't like what I have to say but I think in order to recover we need to remove ourself from our triggers and it sounds like your long distance relationship is and will be a trigger for you. Long distance relationships are hard on anyone and I would think especially hard on someone fighting an addiction. Your emotional dependence on this man does not sound healthy and unless you can break that dependence I think you are at risk, perhaps you should talk with a therapist?. You need to be focusing on your recovery, take care of YOU. God bless you in your journey.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
HI TS! I'm not sure why someone who really cares about you would hang up on you and be so concerned with your emotional dependence. Could it be that the problem is partly his?
You may want to do some counseling while you have this distance from him. And get a book or two on codepedence (Codependent No More is the classic).
Regardless of whether he gives you support or not, you have to find a way to feel good about yourself and your sobriety. I'm glad you posted - there's plenty of support at SR!
You may want to do some counseling while you have this distance from him. And get a book or two on codepedence (Codependent No More is the classic).
Regardless of whether he gives you support or not, you have to find a way to feel good about yourself and your sobriety. I'm glad you posted - there's plenty of support at SR!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
You did great by hopping up, and getting your rear to several AA meetings, talking to your sponsor and all that. Great job by not letting this turn into a full blown relapse (I had a 9 month relapse that almost killed me).
Having said that, you do not need his support to get sober. I know you would like it but that does not mean you will get it. AA is here for you, as we all are at SR.com.
As far as the BF is concerned, tell him what you told us - you hopped right back into AA. Our families and loved ones need to know our ACTIONS, not our thoughts or feelings. We have let them down to many times for anything other than our actions to speak for themselves.
Hang in there.
Having said that, you do not need his support to get sober. I know you would like it but that does not mean you will get it. AA is here for you, as we all are at SR.com.
As far as the BF is concerned, tell him what you told us - you hopped right back into AA. Our families and loved ones need to know our ACTIONS, not our thoughts or feelings. We have let them down to many times for anything other than our actions to speak for themselves.
Hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
Hi and Welcome,
I hope that you can use this time that you have alone, to your benefit. Take the time to get to know yourself better and to embrace 'alone time'. Be your own best friend. And, time will tell whether you and your boyfriend will work things out. But, in the meantime, you can grow and move forward with your life.
I hope that you can use this time that you have alone, to your benefit. Take the time to get to know yourself better and to embrace 'alone time'. Be your own best friend. And, time will tell whether you and your boyfriend will work things out. But, in the meantime, you can grow and move forward with your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Thank you guys so much for the replies. I do recognize that I have dependence issues and am working with it my therapist, but it's not happening overnight and yesterday/today I just really needed the quick fix of some kind words to tide me over. Thank you providing some of them!
The good news is that I found a meeting near my office that I can get to at lunchtime today, so I'm just trying to take it one breath at a time for the next couple of hours, then my home group is tonight. Thanks again.
GG
The good news is that I found a meeting near my office that I can get to at lunchtime today, so I'm just trying to take it one breath at a time for the next couple of hours, then my home group is tonight. Thanks again.
GG
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi GG
Welcome to SR
I really agree with Anna - I spent my 20s and my 30s being very codependent - it fed my alcoholism all too well.
As part of my recovery, I spent some time alone too - I got to know myself really for the first time as an adult.
I got to know my strengths my weaknesses, my likes and dislikes - I got to be comfortable in my own skin and with my own company.
I worked on all the stuff I wasn't too pleased with and I found, for the first time in a very long time, instead of loathing myself I actually liked myself - I wasn't perfect, mind, but I was ok LOL
When after a while I did meet someone?
I was able to offer them me, not what I thought they wanted me to be.
D
Welcome to SR
I really agree with Anna - I spent my 20s and my 30s being very codependent - it fed my alcoholism all too well.
As part of my recovery, I spent some time alone too - I got to know myself really for the first time as an adult.
I got to know my strengths my weaknesses, my likes and dislikes - I got to be comfortable in my own skin and with my own company.
I worked on all the stuff I wasn't too pleased with and I found, for the first time in a very long time, instead of loathing myself I actually liked myself - I wasn't perfect, mind, but I was ok LOL
When after a while I did meet someone?
I was able to offer them me, not what I thought they wanted me to be.
D
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