60+1, how much longer can i last?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 89
60+1, how much longer can i last?
I made it to 60 days dry yesterday. The 1st 2-3 weeks were hard, very hard.I've been binging on candy and ice-cream as an alternative when I've felt I really needed to let go, but fortunately, dont seem to be gaining weight despite eating more. So i guess it just goes to show how many calories booze has.
I've had at least 2 near misses, including 1 almost 'planned relapse' which I avoided by not going to a party in the end. The second came quite recently. I've been going through a difficult time, with stress at home and at work. I was out with a friend and came very very very close to ordering a bottle of wine, but backed down in the end. I'm glad I did.
Like many alcoholics, becoming sober has left a void in my life which alcohol used to fill. I'm not sure what the void is, but it certainly is to do with numbing some sort of pain i feel relating to my life and my self. The only thing that has really kept me on the wagon for the past 60 odd days is the knowledge that alcohol never really filled the void and has shown time and again that it actually made my problems worse. So now, I struggle to fine a better thing to fill that void, and I am still searching. I am still angry with myself for having this void to fill.
Anxiety has always been a big problem for me. I am now fairly certain that alot of what i was feeling while I was still drinking and in the early days of drinking were as a result of withdrawal symptoms. however, recently, in the last 2 weeks, the anxiety attacks have come back again. I do not get panic attacks, just a sense of unease and despair. I have noticed, that without booze in my life, they are alot easier to deal with, but they are still there and unpleasant. For some reason, I get a lot of guilt over the fact that I've irreversably damaged myself physically and emotionally by drinking the way I have, despite a lack of evidence to the contrary and the fact that I am actually doing something about it now, by making the decision to embrace abstinence.
I dont think I'll slip up by way of falling off the wagon, because i no longer see alcohol as being helpful, and I dont use drugs or prescription meds, but I do feel troubled by the stresses and anxiety I am experiencing and dont want them to get the better of me.
I do want to thanks everyone on SR for all the support I've had. It was really important to me, especially in the early days, knowing I was not alone. I just really hope I'm able to weather this current sense of despair.
I've had at least 2 near misses, including 1 almost 'planned relapse' which I avoided by not going to a party in the end. The second came quite recently. I've been going through a difficult time, with stress at home and at work. I was out with a friend and came very very very close to ordering a bottle of wine, but backed down in the end. I'm glad I did.
Like many alcoholics, becoming sober has left a void in my life which alcohol used to fill. I'm not sure what the void is, but it certainly is to do with numbing some sort of pain i feel relating to my life and my self. The only thing that has really kept me on the wagon for the past 60 odd days is the knowledge that alcohol never really filled the void and has shown time and again that it actually made my problems worse. So now, I struggle to fine a better thing to fill that void, and I am still searching. I am still angry with myself for having this void to fill.
Anxiety has always been a big problem for me. I am now fairly certain that alot of what i was feeling while I was still drinking and in the early days of drinking were as a result of withdrawal symptoms. however, recently, in the last 2 weeks, the anxiety attacks have come back again. I do not get panic attacks, just a sense of unease and despair. I have noticed, that without booze in my life, they are alot easier to deal with, but they are still there and unpleasant. For some reason, I get a lot of guilt over the fact that I've irreversably damaged myself physically and emotionally by drinking the way I have, despite a lack of evidence to the contrary and the fact that I am actually doing something about it now, by making the decision to embrace abstinence.
I dont think I'll slip up by way of falling off the wagon, because i no longer see alcohol as being helpful, and I dont use drugs or prescription meds, but I do feel troubled by the stresses and anxiety I am experiencing and dont want them to get the better of me.
I do want to thanks everyone on SR for all the support I've had. It was really important to me, especially in the early days, knowing I was not alone. I just really hope I'm able to weather this current sense of despair.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
thanks for the post, pricey. I have trouble dealing with anxiety as well. I have "reasons" to be stressed and worried, but I'm afraid that even if I didn't, I'd find something to be discontent about!! I do take an antidepressant which really helps. But I know that I'll have to do more than that if I want to stay sober long term.
I'm just brain-storming here, but your post brought up an idea for me. What if we applied the same "one day at a time" program when dealing with these emotions? I'll bet if I put half the energy into changing my negative thinking that I did with staying sober, it just might work. You know, we could do something positive or tell ourselves we're not going to give in to despair "just for today." I'll have to think about this some more...!
Anyway, thanks for the post and congratulations on 2 months of sobriety.
That's really an accomplishment!!!!!
I'm just brain-storming here, but your post brought up an idea for me. What if we applied the same "one day at a time" program when dealing with these emotions? I'll bet if I put half the energy into changing my negative thinking that I did with staying sober, it just might work. You know, we could do something positive or tell ourselves we're not going to give in to despair "just for today." I'll have to think about this some more...!
Anyway, thanks for the post and congratulations on 2 months of sobriety.
That's really an accomplishment!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 224
I'm going to sound like any number of broken records, but stopping drinking, going to meetings, and starting to work the steps (I'm through step 4) has diminished my anxiety tremendously after only a month. Before I quit, I was on an anti-anxiety med; I no longer am. I am pretty calm and happy much, though not all, of the time. More to the point, today is a great day for me.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Priceyjunk
I really identify with the void. I had this huge void in me all my life which I used to have to fill with more, more, more. I would use anything I could get my hands on to make myself feel at ease. Whatever I got was never enough and I was always left wanting more. My two primary addictions were food and alcohol and when I put those down, I had to find a way to fill the void.
In AA we learn that the void is a spiritual one and can only be filled with spirituality - and this made sense to me because no substances, no food, no possessions, relationships, had ever fulfilled me in the past.
I really would recommend going to AA and asking someone to show you how to have a spiritual awakening and fill that void without 'using' anything. Your anxiety levels will go done. You won't be able to prevent challenges
happening in your life, but you will have the tools and support to get through them.
Well done on your sober time.
I really identify with the void. I had this huge void in me all my life which I used to have to fill with more, more, more. I would use anything I could get my hands on to make myself feel at ease. Whatever I got was never enough and I was always left wanting more. My two primary addictions were food and alcohol and when I put those down, I had to find a way to fill the void.
In AA we learn that the void is a spiritual one and can only be filled with spirituality - and this made sense to me because no substances, no food, no possessions, relationships, had ever fulfilled me in the past.
I really would recommend going to AA and asking someone to show you how to have a spiritual awakening and fill that void without 'using' anything. Your anxiety levels will go done. You won't be able to prevent challenges
happening in your life, but you will have the tools and support to get through them.
Well done on your sober time.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Hi Pricey. Congrats on your sober time.
I really don't think it's a matter of how long you can last. I think it's a matter of finding quality of life, so you want it to last. You say you are still angry because you have a void to fill from alcohol. I think that may be common in the early days...but after time, feeling happy that the void is there would be a good thing.
Are you taking care of your mental health? I say that with respect. Despair is something that can/will drive you back to the bottle.
I'm glad you're here. And, I'm glad you're sober.
I really don't think it's a matter of how long you can last. I think it's a matter of finding quality of life, so you want it to last. You say you are still angry because you have a void to fill from alcohol. I think that may be common in the early days...but after time, feeling happy that the void is there would be a good thing.
Are you taking care of your mental health? I say that with respect. Despair is something that can/will drive you back to the bottle.
I'm glad you're here. And, I'm glad you're sober.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I had what you described everytime i used to stop drinking, i didn't know there was a big different between abstinance and recovery...if you haven't had some instant flash of spiritual awakening, which it doesnt sound like you have, then get down to AA and work the steps asap:-)
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by priceyjunk 
Like many alcoholics, becoming sober has left a void in my life which alcohol used to fill. I'm not sure what the void is, but it certainly is to do with numbing some sort of pain i feel relating to my life and my self. The only thing that has really kept me on the wagon for the past 60 odd days is the knowledge that alcohol never really filled the void and has shown time and again that it actually made my problems worse. So now, I struggle to fine a better thing to fill that void, and I am still searching. I am still angry with myself for having this void to fill.
For me, embracing the void quickly and with a purpose rather than trying to fill it, or overcome it, or go around it, created the best outcomes for me and my new life. The open and honest strategy works without fail. Acceptance of each day being simply what it is is the key for me.
My horrible success at being an alcoholic drinking myself into oblivion fantastically distorted who and what i was compared to who and what i could or should be in a real life.
I was not the problem if i was drinking. While drinking, my alcoholism was the only problem that mattered. Drinking solved that problem in its own twisted way of course.
Without the drink in my belly, it was overwhelming to find myself so lost and destroyed and alone with my horrors. There was a transition for me from being a drunk alcoholic to being a sober alcoholic. The way through that was to embrace the void, the differences, the contradictions, the lies, the tricks, the traps, the masks of my drunk self. Being rigorously honest with ourselves is almost impossibly difficult when we at the same time blame ourselves [or other people, places, or things] for our miserable life without drinking.
For me the simplest way to embrace my own void was to bravely accept my distorted anger at myself which nourished my resentments for everything else. Looking back its all so simple now. My self-hatred fed my resentments which fed my alcoholism. Heal from being self-hateful and I heal the rest of me naturally over time. Its not rocket science.
I was astonished to learn just how deeply my self-hatred ran. It was beyond believe, and without the step program and the fellowship of other alcoholics i would never have been able to accept what alcoholism had denied me from knowing for years on end.
Resentments. Resentments. Resentments. For me, the simple act of accepting my resentful nature with a purpose to forgive and forget, to live and let live, to change and be changed, that became the "thing" that filled my void.
We're all different of course. Resentments are a common killer of alcoholics though, and you would serve yourself no wrong to at least look there for some peace for your troubled self.
Godspeed and congrats on your 60+ days!
RobbyRobot
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
embracing the void quickly and with a purpose rather than trying to fill it, or overcome it, or go around it, created the best outcomes for me and my new life. The open and honest strategy works without fail. Acceptance of each day being simply what it is is the key for me.
It has been a meaningful task, and enlightening, what with embracing that void, or wiping away the smear... because whistling past it, trying urgently to fill it just for the sake of patching the hole, pretending it's not there... only leaves it in the dark ... ready to instantly ruin an otherwise perfectly mundane, or perfectly fabulous, day.
Good stuff.
Oh, yeah, AA has a program of recovery that offers to show the way towards a spiritual solution. Check it out!
Mark
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by priceyjunk
The only thing that has really kept me on the wagon for the past 60 odd days is the knowledge that alcohol never really filled the void and has shown time and again that it actually made my problems worse.
I also remind myself how little enjoyment I actually get from drinking. I know many social drinkers who enjoy it a great deal, and I contrast that use of alcohol with my own: very methodical and medicinal, with absolutely no euphoria or enjoyment.
It helps to remind me that I don't have "fun" drinking - and it's not even an enjoyable escape while I am doing it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
PJ
I know what your mean about the void.. I was an emotional nut case my first few months. Pretty much my old drinking time slots were spent in AA meetings. It does get easier and the void can be filled with action on your part.
AG
I know what your mean about the void.. I was an emotional nut case my first few months. Pretty much my old drinking time slots were spent in AA meetings. It does get easier and the void can be filled with action on your part.
AG
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hey pricey
Have you spoken with a doctor or a counsellor about this anxiety?
Rebuilding our lives and ourselves - filling in that void - takes a lot of work.
Sometimes I think it may help to get an outside perspective.
D
Have you spoken with a doctor or a counsellor about this anxiety?
Rebuilding our lives and ourselves - filling in that void - takes a lot of work.
Sometimes I think it may help to get an outside perspective.
D
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