BadLove

Hi everyone. I'm crawling back after making progress a couple of weeks ago. I made it 8 days sober. I don't know what happened. Granted, my new sobriety coincided with some unfortunate news related to my work and personal life, but I know it's no excuse. That was probably my second real attempt at sobriety. I panicked and got overwhelmed. I stopped fighting and did what came naturally - I drank. And the next night, I drank again. And the cycle continued.

I'm scared that no matter what I do, I won't be able to live a sober life. I wake up in the morning full of resolve, but when I get home at night, it's like a flip switches in my brain. Must drink. Retreat. I realize this is probably something that you all hear a lot, and I'm sorry for the repetition. But I just don't know what to do to ensure that I won't give in and drink again. I feel powerless and worthless in this fight.

I'm just sorry for everything I do when I'm like this. I want to get better. Do I need to wait around until some tragedy occurs as a result of my drinking? But really, my life feels like a prolonged alcohol-induced tragedy already. I don't want to unload on you all. I just feel very overwhelmed right now, and incapable of dealing with the basic actions/interactions that are expected of me on a daily basis.

I want to get help. I don't want to feel so bad about myself all the time. "Better" sounds like an empty promise at this point. Thank you for being here.

Abby

Dee74

Hi abby

You're right - it's normal to be scared - it's not easy to change your life and your responses to things - if it was easy no one would need be here.

It's not necessary to hit some 'bottom'...but most of us do - we wait until that point because, I think, we let the fear rule us.

I tried to quit for 15 years.

I was convinced - utterly convinced - this was my life...I'd always be 'a drunk'.

But then I nearly literally died...and I had to try something different, whether I liked it or not.

Support made all the difference for me - and accepting finally that I needed to change my life.

I drank all day every day for about 5 years, excepting days when I was sick or had no money left.

I'm 3 years sober now. My life now is all I used to imagine for myself.
I'm not rich or successful - but I'm happy, and content.

That's still a miracle to me.

It takes a lot of hard work, but it is possible. You're never alone here. We get it.

Don't give up
D

sleepie

Hi Abby, I think I'm about where you're at, as far as fearing an inability to quit. I have had some "bottoms"- I outdo myself a little more each time, I don't think you have to hit a bottom to want to stop but I think it's different for everyone- I have had months of sobriety in the past before I started surprising myself with uncharacteristic behavior while inebriated. It's accelerated to the point that I question whether I am capable of quitting and so I am reaching out to a support group.

least

Have you checked into all the resources that are out there for alcoholics/addicts? There's out patient rehab, inpatient rehab, counseling, AA and other recovery programs, and all sorts of ways to get and stay sober. For me, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink - and that was very hard the many times I quit. Somewhere along the way a switch flipped in my brain and I no longer want to drink.

I would urge you to contact all the recovery resources in your area and use them until you find a method that works for you.

It IS possible to get and stay sober. I was an all too frequent relapser and thought I was a hopeless case but I'm not, and neither are you. Keep trying until you get it right.

ninja7

Thank you very much Dee74.

I think Dee's explanation about hitting bottom is well described. You need now practice, BadLove. I think most effective practice at this point is read and write here SR. There are lots of good posters and stickies here. Please feel free to read and write. And if you can, visit AA! There are lots of nice people who have experience and knowledge about sobriety. Take care!

notnormal

I so relate to the get home at night issue.. i don't normally think about drinking during the day and for sure when I was hung over it was the last thing on my mind. But come six o'clock well that's a different story.. then add life's problems to the equation and well it's like too much to handle.. All I know is that for the last 8 days I've found something to distract me. whether it's a meeting or sometime spent here, a book or??? I've managed to not drink.
So far it's working but I feel your pain.

wichitaks

I understand your pain abby, I had/have the same thoughts that there is no way that I can stop drinking. Im great all week and then fri/sat comes and that switch in my brain says hey its time to drink. It was especially hard to start my sobriety attempt last weekend considering it coincided with memorial day weekend, which has always been an epic drinking binge/party for myself, but somehow I did it. It was by no means easy but what worked for me was thinking about how I was going to feel in the morning mentally and physically, and also coming to this site numerous times throughout the day. I've been to AA before but for whatever reason this site has helped me get through the urges to drink far better than AA did. Thats not to say I dont go to AA meetings as well but being here on this site is what has helped me the most and Im thankful for my last 8 days of sobriety hopefully you can find what works for you whether it be here, AA, or some other outlet, I hope this helps

Draciack

Hi, Abby, I can relate to you a great deal. In the beginning I felt overwhelmed, like I was trapped in some horrible space where I was frightened of a sober life and even more frightened I was going to kill myself while drinking at some point.

Are you working a program or have a particular strategy? I found that keeping busy helped. In fact, that first weekend I wrote out a massive list of chores that I couldn't possibly finish just to occupy my mind.

Keep on trying

topspin

Hi Abby,

I can really relate to the daily"cycle" you're describing. With the help of coming here to SR and reading and reading , and posting when I could, I've managed to stay sober almost 60 days. (first time in nearly 10 years )

I had just thrown in the towel on my life this past year and assumed I would just fade away as a drunk. More tragic, a barely functioning drunk. After work , come home and drink by myself, ......same thing day after day,...... month after month.

I hope you won't have to wait for some "tragedy" What you said descibes exactly how I felt about my life ......"But really, my life feels like a prolonged alcohol-induced tragedy already "


I used the idea of "I'm not going to drink for this day" my first few weeks, ....just ,the "one day at a time " idea , and at the end of everyday I would remind myself; .... just how grateful I was to have gone through a whole day without drinking. The very next morning , I would remind myself how grateful I was to wake up without having gotten hammered the night before.

I've also gone to some AA meetings , because it just helps me to be around folks with the same goal (or purpose) when it comes to sobriety.

You hang in there, ....we all support and believe you can do this

artsoul

Same for me....... I really didn't think I would be able to stop either. I thought I might be weaker or more mentally screwed up than others who have been successful. Once I started thinking about wanting that drink, I was already looking for my car keys. It stunned me how it could happen that quick. The next morning I swore: never again. Over and over again. It's what we do - it's what alcohol does to us. It's truly mind-boggling.

Ironically, I had to lose all hope of staying sober in order to get sober, if that makes sense. When I came here, I really had nothing left inside to fight it one more day. Zilch. It's crazy, but that's when I was finally able to ask for and get help.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, you're not a bad person, you're not even unique. You're one of us! I hope things turn around for you soon.

Lithobid

Hi Abby,

One thing you should understand, is that you don't need to apologize for posting what you think is a "repeated" topic or story. You never know who may come along and read it for the first time and think "that's me too!". And even though I've heard it a lot in the AA rooms, I'm starting out on a new journey of sobriety, and had that exact thing happen to me last night. It's day 3 for me, and I know I'm good this morning, and will be all day, but come the end of the day, if I don't get to a meeting, I will be drinking. There is definitely a 6 'o'clock switch.

I have to ask at my next meeting, and I'll ask here in the forum, there is a book called I believe "Living Sober", and it's full of tips and tricks from alcoholics who have had these same coping mechanisms. If anyone has more info please share. Keep going Abby!

Lithobid

ImagineMe

Thank you for posting this. I think all of us have felt that you are feeling. Perhaps knowing that you are not alone will give you a bit of fuel to go longer.
I think that the key is starting to work the steps. And I have not done this in meetings. I study the BB every evening and morning. I really look at what was not working when I was drinking.
I think once you start working on it, you'll see that you are carrying around resentments that are causing you to drink. Clear it out!!!!

Freeport

You can stop. You did stop for 8 days. I quit for 30 days early last year, then started up again for a month. When I was drinking again, that previous 30 days seemed like an insurmountable goal, but now a year and a month of sobriety later it's a small block of time. You too can do this by listening to people on SR, and following the one-day-at-a-time rule. You need to say no to alcohol today, tonight to achieve Day 1. Now go get it.

coffeenut

I was scared, too. When it came right down to it...and I was dead serious, in those early days I didn't think of it as quitting forever. It was simply not drinking for that moment. I could drink tomorrow, if I chose.

It is just a horrible head game in the beginning. Stick close to SR. Lots of good advice in this thread.

Fandy

for me changing the pattern of my routine helped. if evening is your big trigger time, "reward" yourself with something different....do stuff, go places.

I used to play games with myself all the time, telling myself i could drink the next day, but when I woke up sober in the morning...my resolve would be back and my strength....now I try to just not think about it...but I have a hard time watching alcohol commercials.

BTW, 8 days is a good start....how well did you feel physically? How great did you look? I think you can do it again and feel even better if you stick with it.

Gilligan5323

I almost died too. I had phneomonia. It almost killed me. My organs were shutting down....and still can’t stop drinking. Abby my dear just stop! A

Dee74

Welcome to SR Gilligan

This is a 2010 thread, but for what it's worth I'm still sober - why not stick around a while? This is a great place for support

D

Pressmetilihurt

I so feel you. I was baffled by it. I would wake up with resolve then about 10 am my brain would start whispering. By noon I was in the bar. What happens? I read recently that our prefrontal cortex which does reasoning just stops sorting out the drink impulses from the limbic “reptilian” brain. There’s no security guard at the gate. I felt desperate and hopeless but also ambivalent about sobriety. Im 15 days sober. I had to get help from a drug and alcohol therapist. I feel like with the help of Antabuse my crossing guard is coming back online. Also I came here every day and posted.

PinnacleOR

I can totally relate, same pattern was for me. Get up, hungover and resolve to stop, hangover fades, get through the work day, drive home, feel tired and down, stop by the store, get a massive bottle of wine, go home, watch TV like a zombie, drink whole bottle, pass out, wash, rinse repeat. Add in some binges (more frequent and worse each time) and hospital stays. Doing things differently this time. Day 24, we can do this.